Infinity
New member
Hello there.
Long time lurker, first time poster.
Have been out of relationships for a few years. All previous relationships were monogamous. After last relationship, decided I am more poly-leaning and wish to try (and learn more about) this lifestyle.
Have recently fallen in love with one of my long-time best friends, and he with me. Previous to beginning this relationship (only a few weeks old) we had a few conversations where I expressed to him that any future relationships I would want
'To be free to explore other relationships if / as they come up, and have more than one committed relationship, in love, sex, romance type relationship in my life at their a time. I'd also want any future partners to be ok with this and they be free to explore other relationships (whether that be more committed long term thing like I am interested in or casual sex if that's their thing). I'd want enough communication to keep everyone sexually safe and emotionally well. My ideal would be being able to have my partners be friends or at least be happy and nice around each other. It doesn't make sense to me to have one 'main' partner in my life.'
This was the general conversation we had where I was just sharing with him as a friend, chatting about relationships.
Since we have gotten together, he has expressed that this is something in general that he is happy with. However, that he doesn't think he would date more than one person at once, but he knows the door is open for him to if he wishes. He has also said that before me, this lifestyle is not something he has considered, so he needs time to think about it, learn more and see how he feels as we go along. I am also learning more and seeing how I feel as we go along.
We are not starting this as a closed relationship and moving to open - we are in an open relationship. Therefore as two people new to this, we want to make some agreements for us, which can at least be in place while we explore more options. These are agreements to keep us safe sexually and emotionally.
Here is our current plan:
1. In two weeks (now about a week and a half) we have both decided what we'd like to be informed of if the other has sexual interaction with another person. We discuss this and see if we agree / negotiate.
2. We've both ordered a copy of opening up - we read it over the next 3 months then discuss again where we are.
Here are my questions:
1. For sexual disclosure of other persons, what are the sexual acts that would need to be disclosed to me in terms of 'this could put you at risk of STDs if your current sexual partner did XYZ'? I know that any touching of the genitals to other genitals would (vagina/penis/anus in any combo), and any mouth to genitals would. Does manual stimulation (fingering, hand jobs) if hands are washed afterwards and not put in mouth before washing? What about kissing? What about genital to genital or oral to genital but with a barrier (like a Condom)?
2. Do most people require some sort of disclosure if a partner has done any of the above acts (if your partner is into more casual thing, or if they have met a new partner), or do you just agree with your partner 'if you do any of those things with someone else, get tested before you do any of them with me?'
3. I'm really not sure what to ask my partner for in terms of disclosing sexual contact he may have with other people re: acts that do NOT fall into the 'tell me so I can protect my health' category. For instance, if he is falling in love with someone else, do require to know for myself, emotionally, or is that something I'd like him to feel he can share with me but doesn't have to? What about if he fingers someone and he is not at risk of STD? What if he cuddles someone and falls asleep in their bed with them and stays the night? I'd love other people's opinions and thoughts on this...
4. I feel there is an ethical imperative to share with other potential lovers that we are in a relationship, but it is open. Rather than behaving like a single person. I feel this even if it is just a casual sex thing (he is more likely to do the casual thing than me), the other person(s) has the right to know 'I am having sex with someone in an open relationship' rather than 'I am having a night of casual sex with a single person'. What is the best (or at least, a succinct and good) way to be up-front about this? Also, I can require this of myself, but I can only ask him his opinion on this. Thoughts?
5. I have been open about my poly leanings to a few close friends and currently only one family member. I love introducing my boyfriend as 'my boyfriend', but I want to also make it clear to people 'I am still open to awesome relationships if they come my way' (I'm not actively looking though). How can I do both of these - introduce him as my amazing boyfriend, but be clear that I'm still available and yet not diminish what we have? I feel like 'this is my boyfriend, but I'm still open to other relationships' or 'this is my boyfriend but we're not exclusive' can have the feeling of 'this relationship doesn't mean much' when said to monogamous people. I dont want it to come across that way, and I would like to be totally clear when we're at a social event or talking to people who are just meeting 'us'. Ideas / thoughts / feelings / suggestions?
6. Is there anything I haven't thought of that I should be bringing up now, early on in the relationship, that would be beneficial to us both to be discussing now?
Thanks very much. By the way he is on this forum and will read this thread and your replies.
Infinity.
Long time lurker, first time poster.
Have been out of relationships for a few years. All previous relationships were monogamous. After last relationship, decided I am more poly-leaning and wish to try (and learn more about) this lifestyle.
Have recently fallen in love with one of my long-time best friends, and he with me. Previous to beginning this relationship (only a few weeks old) we had a few conversations where I expressed to him that any future relationships I would want
'To be free to explore other relationships if / as they come up, and have more than one committed relationship, in love, sex, romance type relationship in my life at their a time. I'd also want any future partners to be ok with this and they be free to explore other relationships (whether that be more committed long term thing like I am interested in or casual sex if that's their thing). I'd want enough communication to keep everyone sexually safe and emotionally well. My ideal would be being able to have my partners be friends or at least be happy and nice around each other. It doesn't make sense to me to have one 'main' partner in my life.'
This was the general conversation we had where I was just sharing with him as a friend, chatting about relationships.
Since we have gotten together, he has expressed that this is something in general that he is happy with. However, that he doesn't think he would date more than one person at once, but he knows the door is open for him to if he wishes. He has also said that before me, this lifestyle is not something he has considered, so he needs time to think about it, learn more and see how he feels as we go along. I am also learning more and seeing how I feel as we go along.
We are not starting this as a closed relationship and moving to open - we are in an open relationship. Therefore as two people new to this, we want to make some agreements for us, which can at least be in place while we explore more options. These are agreements to keep us safe sexually and emotionally.
Here is our current plan:
1. In two weeks (now about a week and a half) we have both decided what we'd like to be informed of if the other has sexual interaction with another person. We discuss this and see if we agree / negotiate.
2. We've both ordered a copy of opening up - we read it over the next 3 months then discuss again where we are.
Here are my questions:
1. For sexual disclosure of other persons, what are the sexual acts that would need to be disclosed to me in terms of 'this could put you at risk of STDs if your current sexual partner did XYZ'? I know that any touching of the genitals to other genitals would (vagina/penis/anus in any combo), and any mouth to genitals would. Does manual stimulation (fingering, hand jobs) if hands are washed afterwards and not put in mouth before washing? What about kissing? What about genital to genital or oral to genital but with a barrier (like a Condom)?
2. Do most people require some sort of disclosure if a partner has done any of the above acts (if your partner is into more casual thing, or if they have met a new partner), or do you just agree with your partner 'if you do any of those things with someone else, get tested before you do any of them with me?'
3. I'm really not sure what to ask my partner for in terms of disclosing sexual contact he may have with other people re: acts that do NOT fall into the 'tell me so I can protect my health' category. For instance, if he is falling in love with someone else, do require to know for myself, emotionally, or is that something I'd like him to feel he can share with me but doesn't have to? What about if he fingers someone and he is not at risk of STD? What if he cuddles someone and falls asleep in their bed with them and stays the night? I'd love other people's opinions and thoughts on this...
4. I feel there is an ethical imperative to share with other potential lovers that we are in a relationship, but it is open. Rather than behaving like a single person. I feel this even if it is just a casual sex thing (he is more likely to do the casual thing than me), the other person(s) has the right to know 'I am having sex with someone in an open relationship' rather than 'I am having a night of casual sex with a single person'. What is the best (or at least, a succinct and good) way to be up-front about this? Also, I can require this of myself, but I can only ask him his opinion on this. Thoughts?
5. I have been open about my poly leanings to a few close friends and currently only one family member. I love introducing my boyfriend as 'my boyfriend', but I want to also make it clear to people 'I am still open to awesome relationships if they come my way' (I'm not actively looking though). How can I do both of these - introduce him as my amazing boyfriend, but be clear that I'm still available and yet not diminish what we have? I feel like 'this is my boyfriend, but I'm still open to other relationships' or 'this is my boyfriend but we're not exclusive' can have the feeling of 'this relationship doesn't mean much' when said to monogamous people. I dont want it to come across that way, and I would like to be totally clear when we're at a social event or talking to people who are just meeting 'us'. Ideas / thoughts / feelings / suggestions?
6. Is there anything I haven't thought of that I should be bringing up now, early on in the relationship, that would be beneficial to us both to be discussing now?
Thanks very much. By the way he is on this forum and will read this thread and your replies.
Infinity.