Love In Our Lives - KK's blog space thing

Hate to say I told you so...

On the 8th, just when we were starting to imagine a day when life might start going back to normal we got the call that Herman would be having surgery at 1pm the next day. He was very upset about it for a few hours, I thought he should have been expecting this, I was. Then he went right back into denial mode of thinking maybe this surgery won't be that big of a deal. Obviously none of the 4 or 5 people who called prior to the surgery had any idea what they were actually planning on doing.

The car wasn't going to get fixed until the weekend and the hospital is 2 hours away so thankfully his parents had wanted to go along anyway and were able to drive us. When we got there we were told we'd been pushed to 4. I saw the doctor out of the corner of my eye for 3 seconds at 5 and they cut into him at 6pm. A half hour later the surgeon comes out to tell me that the original surgeon was right. It was a disaster in there. He was intending to move one small piece of bone back into place but it turns out that would have required him completely taking his wrist apart and starting over and destroying the tiny amount of cartilage that was left which would have left him worse off in the long term. So he just removed the piece. He will always have limited motion and strength and it will be very arthritic at some unknown point in the future. Herman wasn't awake yet so it was left to me to explain this to him. Thankfully he wasn't under full anesthesia this time and hasn't been in any pain so the days immediately following were much easier than last time. Unfortunately the lack of pain this time seems to lead him away from coming to terms with the long term effects. Maybe he thinks I worry too much or am being overly cautious or maybe he's just in denial I don't know. I wish he would have been able to hear from the doctor himself. We've had two surgeons now apologizing to me that there wasn't more they could do and telling me its the worst wrist injury they've seen. This is life changing.

Herman and I are butting heads about his employment future. His job involves both frequent heavy lifting and detailed mechanical work. It is unlikely he is going to be able to perform those functions and even if he could, it would lead him to losing function and suffering from arthritis sooner. He works at a small business consisting of only himself, his coworker/manager and a friend of the shop who comes in to cover for one of them on occasion but isn't a trusted or 100% physically capable employee. Herman has insisted on going in to the shop to help answer the phones, talk to customers and supervise the helper when the manager has to go out since almost immediately after he got out of the hospital. We have been arguing about this constantly.

This business obviously isn't able to accommodate a change of his duties. Additionally the mostly retired owner is threatening to close the business based on declining sales over the last couple years. Herman creating an additional staff issue is certainly pushing him in that direction. His coworker says he's looking for other work based on that. If he does leave, that would be the end of the business immediately.

Herman on the other hand, seems to be completely refusing to think about his next source of employment. I believe he could have filed for temporary disability assistance and used that cushion to look or train for a new job. He insists on continuing to go to his current job until they quit paying him and is making no effort to plan for the future. Am I wrong in feeling rather WTF about this?

When we got the news that he would be having a second surgery I made him agree in writing that he would inform the manager he must take a full week off after his second surgery. Then the monday following surgery, in the middle of a discussion about what to do going forward, he said he was going crazy being at home and walked over to my office. I told him he could take the car to run to the bank and the grocery just to give him something to do and instead he immediately went over to his work shop! Well once they were aware that he wasn't on medication this time and well enough to be driving, he was expected to start coming in again. I was furious. Remember when I said he hadn't actually learned anything? Yeah that is the exact same thing he did the day he got hurt. Was supposed to go to the bank and immediately did something behind my back instead.
 
cont

... and I was right about not seeing Jasper until February, and that's looking questionable too. We usually get together on MLK weekend but this year he had a playoff game he needed to be at. Now he is taking another full week trip without me in February so I'm feeling lousy about his travel plans AGAIN. I know this is something I need to quit being pissed about because it isn't going to change. I think this will be the 5th of these in less than 12 months.

To some extent improvements have been made. He did tell me he was going to a show this time. He did invite me (knowing I couldn't go.) He did put on the calendar what dates he would be gone, and I did find out more than a week in advance. These were all complaints I have had about prior trips so I do acknowledge the improvement. He still didn't discuss the week long trip with me before booking it, and he still didn't tell me he'd be going with the same friend who has become a real irritating trigger for me because Jasper behaves so strangely when this friend is involved. I'm certain he assumes he did so I believe this is a communication issue rather than intentional hiding which he has done in the past. I need to ask more questions if I want more info.

I have acknowledged that much of my problem stems from me not getting enough time with him and in theory that has nothing to do with how much time he spends with this friend. In reality the amount of time he has spent away from work with this friend does affect his ability to schedule time with me and he refuses to acknowledge that. He repeatedly tells me that one doesn't affect the other. In the past this has proven to be untrue. This could be solved by securing time with me before booking trips with someone else but that has only happened once. In this specific case I don't blame him for that because I was not able to commit at that moment in time due to the unknowns regarding Herman's recovery.

So I believe it is important to point out that this trip isn't like the others. He's making efforts to correct the things I've complained about. I know he is trying to make progress with being more open about his plans even though this is a deep rooted issue he struggles with. I know we are in a unique set of circumstances which make it much more difficult for us to get together. I know the original problem of my schedule being less flexible than his (and a million times less flexible than single and sporadically employed friend) still exists.

I don't feel angry with him like I have in the past. I am sad though. I also acknowledge that I'm envious and bitter about all things travel right now. My instagram feed is even getting on my nerves. That obviously isn't his fault. These are my cruddy feelings to manage.

I guess right now I want him to be more sympathetic towards my situation and my feelings. He promised to help more with the scheduling of our visits which he hasn't (yet.) He hasn't shown that he understands how much difficulty I am going through right now and he hasn't adjusted his expectations of me accordingly. He hasn't been there to help me in ways I expected him to. I understand he is experiencing several rare opportunities and it just happens to be at the same time I am experiencing rare struggles. I don't want him to give up those opportunities because of me. He doesn't see things as either/or which would be great if he was following through on that by taking advantage of his opportunities AND being there for me, but he isn't. It isn't enough to say you have enough time and funds to do all this and also see me, you have to actually do it for it to be true. In the end it doesn't happen. So he goes along believing what he does outside of our relationship isn't taking from me but he isn't giving to me either. I wish he would be more realistic about limitations in time/funds/planning/stress tolerance because I think it would help both of us manage our expectations.

I need to prepare myself for the idea that he will probably take 2 months off this year travelling the country with someone else, behaving in the weird uncharacteristic way he does with that friend. While I will be sitting at home and we will once again fall short of our goal of seeing each other once per month for another year. I need to not hold it against him because this is MY limitation.
 
I guess right now I want him to be more sympathetic towards my situation and my feelings.

Did you discuss this with him the way you posted here. It's probably important to acknowledge the effort he's making and let him know how much you appreciate it. It's also okay to let him know that you are struggling with the situation and all the limitations. Let him know that you are sad about the lack of time you have together and envious of his friend, who is free to go on his travels with him. Ask him how to fix it, he may have a suggestion or he may not and maybe just having the discussion will help make it through until things change.
 
well

I guess I'm going to close this down. One of my partners is feeling less comfortable with me writing online than we had previously discussed. He didn't ask me not to but I know he'd prefer it wasn't all out here so I'd rather not bother him. I've never taken advantage of this outlet as much as I wished I had but I wanted to say thanks for being here.
 
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