Advice needed for transitioning couple

JoyfulOne

New member
Hello all!
This is my first post on here (besides my intro). I am pretty shy and was hoping to lurk a little, but there's no time for that in life, haha. :)
So, here goes! My husband and I have been married for 10 years. It was a whirlwind romance that still has me head over heels for him today. I, however, have come to believe that my capacity to love more than one person is larger than I ever thought. We have talked about becoming poly for about 5 years now and have finally decided to go for it. While I am really excited to start on our new chapter, my husband is much more hesitant. He was raised similar to myself, only seeing monogamous relationships and was always told that you find your one person and stay loyal and faithful forever. I have been able to see past this with lots of soul searching, while he's doing his best to overcome being slightly possessive (as was shown to him by his father with his mother). While it does bother him to think about me being with someone else initially (sexually, that is), he does like the idea of having someone in addition to me to help fulfill needs that I lack in. How do I help him come to terms with this as a new life choice for us? He wants this to work out, he thinks that the idea of actually bringing in another male and female into our family as the end goal would be great. I think it's the actual dating and being with other people for the first time ever that freaks him out. Your advice and guidance is GREATLY appreciated and know he will be reading the responses as well so feel free to talk directly to him if you'd like. Thank you all!!
 
Hi JoyfulOne,

Your husband might find Franklin Veaux's Poly FAQ page to be helpful; it addresses many of the early concerns that people new to poly have. Another thing that might help is looking for a local poly group in your area. Some resources for that are ...

You can also google "polyamory" with the name of your state or nearest major city, a local group will often turn up that way. A lot of times such groups will have potluck discussion nights, which gives you a chance to socialize a little with poly people and hear their views on things. Without the pressure of dating (although who knows, if you make friends, one or more of them might evolve into (a) romantic partner/s).

It is helpful to put a familiar face on poly. We tend to fear the unfamiliar. I encourage you to read and participate a lot on Polyamory.com; perhaps your husband would be interested in getting his own account, for ease of interacting with fellow members.

I'll see if I can think of further advice as the conversation progresses.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks for the reply Kevin! We did sign up for the Meetup in Orlando, so hopefully that will be a really useful resource. Also, he's going to create his own account on here soon. He's just so scared and I wish there was a way to ease his fears (which are basically me leaving him because I found someone better). We've been through a lot in 10 years (multiple deployments, medical issues, family loss, his PTSD, etc.) and I continue to tell him that I'm not going anywhere. If I was going to leave I would've done it a long time ago. It's not about him not being "enough", It's about me wanting to love more and be loved more as well. It's about expanding my wonderful family. I just don't know how else to help him besides maybe having him talk to another poly man that went through a similar difficulty transitioning into the poly lifestyle? Maybe I can find someone through the meetup group. Anyway, thank you for the guidance!
 
Usually the anticipation is worse than reality.

Without knowing your husband, this is given with a grain of salt, but I get the impression that the best thing is to just dive right in. Mindfully, of course, taking time to check-in regularly and keep the lines of communication open... But I think that the more your husband thinks about it, the more his imagination is going to make up worst-case-scenarios that are unlikely to ever happen.

By "jump right in" I don't mean go spend the night at someone else's house right away. I mean, go on a coffee date with someone, maybe a movie and dinner, whatever. Then go home and check-in with your husband, see how that was for him, how he's feeling. Meanwhile he's doing the same and checking in with you.

Another thing to remember, you're grown-ups, so when you meet people, there's no need to rush, despite what your urges might be. You can reel it in and take it slow, make sure everyone's agreeable with each step before it happens. That can help him feel more comfortable with things, by seeing that you're able to control yourself like an adult and follow your agreements, whatever they may be.

Some people do better meeting the other partners, others prefer to avoid it. My husband gets along swimmingly with my girlfriend and they hang out and have campfires and beer when I'm travelling to conferences, but he's not at all interested in meeting the male friends with benefits that I sometimes have.

Also remember that it's perfectly ok to feel uncomfortable sometimes. There's value in learning to be at peace with not being at peace :)
 
That was such a great response, thank you! I have actually had lunch with one person, and in having lunch with another tomorrow so we're starting like you said, so that's neat. He seems ok with this part so far, he knows I'm not going to jump into bed with anyone right away or without discussing it with him first. However he is having a really hard time meeting people. Men seem to be much more ok with the idea on dating sites than women, we've found. So I guess that's probably playing a role too. Anyway, thanks again for the response!
 
Yes, I think it is difficult for a man to find a poly partner. It takes a lot of patience. Doesn't mean he's doing anything wrong.
 
I just want to chime in and encourage you to keep going down the path you're going on. It seems like you're doing a great job so far.

He's just so scared and I wish there was a way to ease his fears (which are basically me leaving him because I found someone better). We've been through a lot in 10 years (multiple deployments, medical issues, family loss, his PTSD, etc.) and I continue to tell him that I'm not going anywhere. If I was going to leave I would've done it a long time ago.

Speaking as a husband who has had these very same fears, this is such a helpful, uplifting thing to say. A told me that very thing when I was having these worries, and it really put our relationship in a new light. Monogamy says that you MUST stick with the person you're married to, come hell or high water. Polyamory says that all parties CHOOSE to be with the people they're with. The fact that they can leave at any time actually makes those relationships more meaningful to me, not less.

Anyway, just wanted to say, you're not alone, and tell your husband to keep his chin up, because a poly guy trying to meet other people seems to have a few more hurdles in place than a poly woman meeting other people. Don't ask me why, I'm new and probably biased.
 
Speaking as a [person] who has had these very same fears, this is such a helpful, uplifting thing to say [...] Monogamy says that you MUST stick with the person you're married to, come hell or high water. Polyamory says that all parties CHOOSE to be with the people they're with. The fact that they can leave at any time actually makes those relationships more meaningful to me, not less.

I've also found this insight to be super helpful in coming to terms with polyamory. I now feel a genuine sense of security from knowing that my partner, unlike in previous relationships, actively chooses to be with me everyday in the full knowledge that she could be with any person she desires, yet wants to stay invested in our relationship.
 
I wish my husband would see it that way. He's still convinced I'm going to leave him for a woman one day... nevermind that I've been dating a woman, the same woman, for the past 4 years! No matter how many times I say "Why would I leave you when I can just date them too?" and he just laughs it off, but doesn't really buy it.

But then, adoption-related abandonment issues will do that to a person, I'm told..... especially being abandoned by the same birth mother again in adulthood :/
 
....adoption-related abandonment issues will do that to a person, I'm told.....

I was adopted back in the "closed adoption, never happened" days and coming into the world that way is indeed an enormous mind f**k, to say nothing of living with it. But, the experience is not insurmountable. If he is interested, there are some helpful and empowering online resources for adult adoptees. Being with others who live in the same altered universe is transforming in many ways. Bastard Nation is a US based political action organization, but a good place to start.
 
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I've been waiting for someone to point out the countercase, but... well, here goes.

JoyfulOne, your relationship is over. There's no easy "transition" to nonmonogamy.

Let me make an analogy to a house. What you propose is NOT simply a matter of cleaning out a spare room. It's more like tearing out the foundation to put in a new basement, & maybe also ripping off an entire wall to add five rooms.

Is it doable? Certainly. But it's not quick, nor easy, nor without risk. And everyone living there had better be prepared for the disruption.

Now, when I say "it's over," I don't mean that divorce is inevitable. However, everything upon which your closed monogamous marriage was built is now open to question. In fact, every little detail NEEDS to be examined carefully by BOTH of you, & reworked or replaced or thrown out.

The two of you MUST begin again, with a new set of assumptions in place.

It kinda looks like you've already made up your mind, you are going to proceed as you will despite his reluctance, & you're looking for advice on how to better cajole, arm-twist, & "convince" him into doing things your way.
________________

Strangely, one of the most common bits of polyamorist fluff is "Always move at the pace of the least comfortable person."

This has long bothered me because doing so means handing that person a LOT of power to stop the others from progressing, & in fact to drag them backward. I've gotten crap on PMM for saying, "It's only good if you add a clause like '...so long as there is positive movement'" because then I'm just a big meany without any empathy. :rolleyes:

Yet thus far in this thread, it's looked more like ideas on how to grease the feet of the reluctant one, & force him into Enlightenment.

I hope that he will join the conversation. Soon.
 
I was adopted back in the "closed adoption, never happened" days and coming into the world that way is indeed an enormous mind f**k, to say nothing of living with it. But, the experience is not insurmountable. If he is interested, there are some helpful and empowering online resources for adult adoptees. Being with others who live in the same altered universe is transforming in many ways. Bastard Nation is a US based political action organization, but a good place to start.

Thanks for the references, I'll pass that on. He's done a lot of counselling, made HUGE progress from where he started (long before I met him). He's kind of at a point these days where he feels he's functional and happy, and he has other areas of personal development he'd prefer to work on if he's going to put in that kind of effort.
 
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I've been waiting for someone to point out the countercase, but... well, here goes.

JoyfulOne, your relationship is over. There's no easy "transition" to nonmonogamy.

Let me make an analogy to a house. What you propose is NOT simply a matter of cleaning out a spare room. It's more like tearing out the foundation to put in a new basement, & maybe also ripping off an entire wall to add five rooms.

Is it doable? Certainly. But it's not quick, nor easy, nor without risk. And everyone living there had better be prepared for the disruption.

Now, when I say "it's over," I don't mean that divorce is inevitable. However, everything upon which your closed monogamous marriage was built is now open to question. In fact, every little detail NEEDS to be examined carefully by BOTH of you, & reworked or replaced or thrown out.

The two of you MUST begin again, with a new set of assumptions in place.

It kinda looks like you've already made up your mind, you are going to proceed as you will despite his reluctance, & you're looking for advice on how to better cajole, arm-twist, & "convince" him into doing things your way.
________________

Strangely, one of the most common bits of polyamorist fluff is "Always move at the pace of the least comfortable person."

This has long bothered me because doing so means handing that person a LOT of power to stop the others from progressing, & in fact to drag them backward. I've gotten crap on PMM for saying, "It's only good if you add a clause like '...so long as there is positive movement'" because then I'm just a big meany without any empathy. :rolleyes:

Yet thus far in this thread, it's looked more like ideas on how to grease the feet of the reluctant one, & force him into Enlightenment.

I hope that he will join the conversation. Soon.

You are one of the most cynical people I have ever read.
 
I think Ravenscroft had a couple of really good points, even if you took issue with the way he said them, they're still worth noting.

I noticed them too when reading the original poster's thread. And they are:

1. A mono relationship, doesn't really just 'change' to a poly one. If you try and adapt your mono relationship to become a poly one, what seems to happen (from what I have read - I have limited experience) is you get a couple-centric relationship with lots of couple privilege happening. So, yes, you get to the point where you can date others, maybe even have other relationships - but the couple always remains the 'priority'. To TRULY change to being poly, requires you to acknowledge "This mono thing is over...it's time to tear down that house and build a new one, which could look very different".

You are essentially going from being a couple...to being two individuals who practise poly, and are currently in a relationship with each other, and may or may not be with each other in the future, and may or may not have other significant relationships in the future which are just as much, or more, significant than what you have with each other currently.

2. JoyfulOne, by your own admission, you are going into this with your partner "so scared". Now, you have gotten different advice - some is 'just jump in, he will find out it's fine' and some is 'wait, back off' - but the point is, realise you ARE going into this with him scared, which means he is NOT saying, to use GalaGirl's phrase, a joyful YES. I don't know if a partnership can work long term if one partner wants something, and is willing to pursue it, and the other is 'going along with it' but is terrified. I guess time will tell. But if he is scared, and you really want this, it may be kinder in the long term to end what you have and establish yourself as a poly dating person without him, rather than taking him along for a ride he is scared to go on, just because the alternative (breaking up) is scary too. Again, from my reading (not a heap of experience), both partners being a JOYFUL YES to transitioning, and being willing to do the 'let's redefine our whole relationship because we've grown into people where this relationship no longer fits us' is a prerequisite for taking two previously mono people and making them into a poly couple.

I don't say any of this to be cynical and I fully admit my experience is limited. I just wanted to point out a couple of red flags I see in the way you have shared your story, which if you're not aware of could trip you up later. But maybe if you are aware now you can proceed with awareness of them and make the change of relationship a more optimized process.
 
I am with Ravenscroft. When you bring up poly in a mono relationship you are basically burning down your relationship. It is like using fire to clear brush. You run a risk of burning something down that you didn't want to. Yet something beautiful can come from it.

There is no taking back poly. Even if you revert back to monogamy it is still there in the background. You can't put the genie back into the bottle.
 
I agree with him to a point, it's more the sarcastic way he presents it, I guess. I don't like the use of sarcasm when trying to be helpful.

"Your relationship is over. Cajole... convince... arm twist." Kinda harsh. I guess he thinks it's tough love. Just seem a bit over the top for a sweet newbie who is just trying to find her way.
 
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The OP indicated the intent to run ahead & inflict a major lifestyle change upon her (for lack of a better word) partner. A bunch of people here encouraged her to do exactly that.

Please show us where that summary is IN ANY WAY incorrect.
I don't like the use of sarcasm when trying to be helpful.
:confused:
Sarcasm may employ ambivalence, although sarcasm is not necessarily ironic.
I have not been in any way ambivalent.
The distinctive quality of sarcasm is present in the spoken word and manifested chiefly by vocal inflections.
You might need to turn down the hearing aid. :p Now, THAT is sarcasm.
In sarcasm, ridicule or mockery is used harshly, often crudely and contemptuously, for destructive purposes.
My post was not crude, not particularly contemptuous, & certainly not meant in a destructive manner -- that woulda been something more like telling her tersely "knock off the poly BS & stop screwing around with someone's life," NOT helpful at all.
...sarcasm is an insincere form of politeness which is used to offend one's interlocutor.
Like perhaps
I guess he thinks it's tough love.
which is passive aggressive, & that's important to note because
What is essential to sarcasm is that it is overt irony intentionally used by the speaker as a form of verbal aggression.

The essence of sarcasm is the intention of giving pain by (ironical or other) bitter words.
Interesting notes:
A French company has developed an analytics tool that claims to have up to 80% accuracy in identifying sarcastic comments posted online.

In June 2014, the United States Secret Service requested bids for software that would identify sarcasm in tweets.

In late August 2016, North Korea banned sarcasm against the government. It was reported that the government gave the warnings in mass meetings across the country. Subsequent media reports suggest that North Korea banned sarcasm altogether.
Heavy Sarcasm
 
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Ravenscroft, I'll be direct, not to be accused of passive agressivity too. I do not like your way of "defending" yourself with some kind of dictionary definition of sarcasm. That's not the issue here.

I am glad that you brought the topic of the entire relationship structure needing change to this thread. This one I consider important and accurate:
However, everything upon which your closed monogamous marriage was built is now open to question. In fact, every little detail NEEDS to be examined carefully by BOTH of you, & reworked or replaced or thrown out.

I also agree with Magdlyn that the wording was harsh. Here:
It kinda looks like you've already made up your mind, you are going to proceed as you will despite his reluctance, & you're looking for advice on how to better cajole, arm-twist, & "convince" him into doing things your way.
You certainly don't make it easy on the receiver, even if perfectly willing, to receive your advice. I think your style of communication often hinders the people concerned to really hear and consider the things that you are saying, because your choice of words, amplifying the problems, use or sarcasm/ambivalence etc. (An additional issue to me is the use of american idioms, which sometimes make it impossible to understand your posts for me as a non-native speaker.)
Oftentimes, as in the citation above, I see you basically accusing the writer of bad intentions he or she doesn't have or is not aware of. Even if you have important points, that way you raise a lot of resistance in the reader, so that he or she is NOT inclined to think about your advice. I think an overall softening or your expression on this forum would be of benefit to the people you are trying to address.

I've been wanting to say this for quite some time, so I've done it now. I will not repeat it here or in any other threads. It's your choice to consider it or not.
Joyfulone, I appologize for the personal metadiscussion in your thread.

Ravenscroft, as for your premise here, you said
The OP indicated the intent to run ahead & inflict a major lifestyle change upon her (for lack of a better word) partner. A bunch of people here encouraged her to do exactly that.

Please show us where that summary is IN ANY WAY incorrect.
I think it's incorrect, because Joyfulone has clearly indicated an intention on the side of the husband to go along with polyamory, and some of his goals with it:
he's doing his best to overcome being slightly possessive (as was shown to him by his father with his mother). While it does bother him to think about me being with someone else initially (sexually, that is), he does like the idea of having someone in addition to me to help fulfill needs that I lack in. How do I help him come to terms with this as a new life choice for us? He wants this to work out, he thinks that the idea of actually bringing in another male and female into our family as the end goal would be great.
Yes, jealousy, yes, inner conflicts, yes, kind of ... uninformed ... which you called out. But certainly within the bounds of a search for consensus between partners. IMHO no need to accuse her of "inflicting" a change. He's an adult and he can say his "no", do you disagree?
 
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