Don't know whats right, don't know what to feel.

Yah, I too saw "withdraw consent" as a veto.

And I agree with Tinwen that facing manipulation with more manipulation is a degenerating game.

Also with "The only way to really withdraw consent is being ready to break up." The relationship is already in seriously deep trouble; even if AlbionMoonlight could cajole or plead or manipulate or bully the partner into backing off from her negative behavior, nothing is fixed, nothing is solved. The underlying problems (whatever they may be) remain, & like any other addiction it's probably going to creep out in other ways (like escalating passive aggression) or simply seethe until all those behaviors explode out all-at-once & perhaps more wildly.

Don't try to "put the worms back in the can." Better to start organizing a "move along" plan, then remind the partner that "we talked about this, I made my limits clear, & I cannot continue to live in this manner. Would you like to find some sort of compromise with me, or should I just leave now?"
 
I don't see how it is a veto. There was a consent obtained from an otherwise disinterested person on the basis of very specific rules. If she has broken the rules, she has invalidated the consent herself.

It feels like a veto to me, too. The danger in exercising a de facto veto is that
(1) you're not addressing the core issues (partner not keeping promises, not respecting boundaries, communication breakdown, low self esteem/security issues, unfair expectations, etc) and those issues will continue to resurface in other areas until they're addressed.
(2) It breaks trust between partners.
(3) It potentially affects the third party, without his/her consent or input
(4) It limits options and communication. If, instead, you do as Ravenscroft suggested...sit down and work out a solution, you may find better solutions than leaving or being a doormat....and you've opened communication which builds intimacy and strengthens connections.
 
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