Sigh... I think I need to back out of this depression thing with PN, and more than I did before. It worries me that Mono is moving into this house and will have to deal with PN's depression more.
Last night, we had a really great party with a bunch of friends. Derby and I cooked for them a complete British teatime meal and had such a good time doing it. PN hid and was moody and quiet all night, pretty much. I went into the kitchen to see how he was and he was on the verge of tears. Over what he didn't know, or wouldn't tell me.
Today, the same. I told him tonight that this has been going on for awhile, and that if it's a perfectly nice day, he had a perfectly lovely walk up a mountain at a park, and has a been a perfectly good weekend, then why does this feeling last? "PERHAPS YOU ARE CLINICALLY DEPRESSED< HELLLLOOO!!!???" I get so fucking frustrated. I can't do much more. I really don't know what else to do!
Of course, I put all of this on myself, and do the what if thing-- what if I had no other loves, what if Mono weren't moving in, what if I spent every moment with him, what if there is something going on that I don't know about?
It's really not up to me. I just need to leave him alone when he is like this, cause he takes me right down with him. I have had my own struggles with depression and have done everything in my power not to go on meds. I have been to therapy, work on my shit constantly, make myself herbal remedies, get out and exercise, keep busy, make sure I have things to look forward to, create downtime, seek out nature and moments of complete joy with it, organize events, try new things, and more, to stay mentally healthy. I can't make him do these things. I just have to adjust and move forward, dragging him along, it feels like.
It's a bit of a Catch 22, I think. He gets like he has been this weekend, and I avoid him because it drives me insane that he seemingly does nothing, and so i don't get down also. then he gets sad that I am not around. I hang out with Mono and Derby who, by their very natures, are more cheery and fun to be around.
He gets sad because I seemingly don't want to spend time with him. I feel bad, miss him, spend time with him and he thinks it's out of pity and that we really have no connection at all, because we are doomed. So I get pissed off and don't want to hang out with him because I am not a doom and gloom person. I am positive and convinced things will be awesome and work out about just about everything. He is by nature what he calls a realist, and I call negative.
Anyway, this is what goes on, as i see it. I haven't checked in to see if that is what is going on this time. It has gone like this in the past, though.
Sigh, I love the silly old man. (He's 8 years younger than me, but acts 8 years older.) I'm going to get brain damage from banging my head against the wall because of him. But I do love him.
On another note, I tease Mono that he is my little boy. I have an old man and a little boy...
And a Mrs. G, the sexy British lady,
She's taken to calling me Mrs. B. (Well, once. I like to think that is "taken to" but perhaps not.) I LOVE that. It feels so dirty somehow, and kinda granny-pantiesesque. (Sorry, for those of you who don't know, I have a granny panty fetish. Large white control-top cotton panties on women... *meeeeelt* I know. I'm a freak, but you love me.)