I don’t value it because in societies eyes, I’ll always be the mistress or second. And that makes me feel cheap.
I think I’m his eyes, I’ll always be second too, just because he’s known her longer and already married to her.
It makes me feel bad about myself and that’s why the relationship isn’t working. I just don’t feel like I’m respecting myself.
I don't think anyone, including poly people who are ok sharing love with more than one partner, would feel ok if they are not respecting themselves, their values, and their personal limitations.
Point blank -- poly is NOT for everyone. If you just don't groove on that? You just
don't. No need to bend yourself into pretzels about it.
I think I either need to learn to value his love for what it is or move on.
Aren't you already doing that?
You value his love for what it is already --
and you find it is not enough for you or in the way you want to feel happy participating in the relationship. So... could move on. Stop participating.
How other poly people experience or value love isn't going to change how YOU experience and value love.
This was supposed to be a casual one night fling, and you ended up forming emotional entanglements. Stop doing one night flings if keeping them casual is a problem for you. That is part of honoring your personal limitations. Not everyone can do them or wants them.
I guess you could try poly with other people since you don't like how this guy does it with the veto and not wanting to you date anyone but him... but you don't really sound like you want poly in general anyway. So that doesn't sound like a realistic option in this situation.
Could go after what YOU really want -- an exclusive relationship that has a chance at marriage. There's nothing wrong with that or with wanting that.
I think there is something wrong with you trying to bend yourself into pretzels trying to make a thing that won't fly...
fly anyway.
Maybe I was maybe looking for someone to tell me otherwise...
That marriage is stupid and doesn’t matter. That he could love me just as much.
Marriage is not stupid for those who want it and value it. You DO want it and value it, and talking yourself OUT of what you value just to keep going with this guy? That is like being your own con man. That's not honoring or respecting your values/yourself.
I think you are struggling with break up grief. Like deep down you know it's probably best, you already made plans to move away... and here it is. Time to tell him and actually pull the plug.
And maybe you are finding it hard now that is actually here because he's tugging at your heart strings with offers to move in with him and so on. If listening to his grief over the break up makes it harder for you? Remember you are a breaking up. It's not your job to help him with his emotional management around that. You have your own to tend to.
but all of your input has been really helpful to me. Thank you for that.
You are welcome. I hope in time you start to feel better.
Go after what you REALLY want. Don't sit around here with this guy or doing poly just "making do." If a relationship with this guy cannot give you want you REALLY want? If poly cannot give you what you REALLY want?
Don't do either one.
Galagirl