Love from a poly person isn’t worth as much?

Gosh, you sure think badly of my mistress. None of us do. Not my wife, not herself, not her family, not anyone we know. She would say that it reflects on the person looking down at her to think "mistress" is a snide label of some kind.

I encourage you to not use a pejorative connotation to something very dear to us, please. I just didn't know, I had to ask twice about what structure you were trying.

To be fair, you're the only person on this board who refers to their other significant other as a mistress. It does have bad connotations. It implies cheating. You use it idiosyncractically. A new member can't be expected to know that.

Even in aristocratic circles, where often a man would have a wife for breeding and a mistress for actual living with and socializing, and fun sex, she was assumed to be, at most, an "unofficial" wife. And often the legal wife was in distress she'd taken so much of her husband's time and energies and love away.
 
After reading the replies I’ve been able to think a bit deeper about this. Hank you all for that. I know he loves me. I just don’t value his love.
I don’t value it because in societies eyes, I’ll always be the mistress or second. And that makes me feel cheap.
I think I’m his eyes, I’ll always be second too, just because he’s known her longer and already married to her.
It makes me feel bad about myself and that’s why the relationship isn’t working. I just don’t feel like I’m respecting myself.
I think I either need to learn to value his love for what it is or move on.
 
Maybe I was maybe looking for someone to tell me otherwise...
That marriage is stupid and doesn’t matter. That he could love me just as much.

but all of your input has been really helpful to me. Thank you for that.
 
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Maybe I was maybe looking for someone to tell me otherwise...
That marriage is stupid and doesn’t matter. That he could love me just as much.

but all of your input has been really helpful to me. Thank you for that.

It doesn't really matter what any of us believe about marriage. It only matters what you believe. If you're looking for proof that it's possible to love another person as much as your legal spouse, there's plenty of proof of that. Just look in the blog section.... Lots of examples of people with two co primaries or two spouses either all living together or living in multiple homes with the time split between spouses. Sure only one spouse can be the legal spouse but many poly people go to great lengths to ensure as equal rights as possible for all of their loves. Just look at Bluebird's blog. And then there are others, like me, that do not wish to have legal entanglements with anyone else but still value their partners.

What no one here can tell you is whether your partner is capable of loving you and treating you as well as he treats his wife.
 
Of course he could love you just as much.

Try reading some of the blogs here and you'll see people living their lives with two (or more) equally loved and secure partnerships. For example, Bluebird and Dagferi consider both their partners as equals. Polyamory becomes normalised for those living it and often those who they are friends with. Perhaps some time socialising in person with other polycules would help? Look for local meets, or advertise your own.
 
I don’t value it because in societies eyes, I’ll always be the mistress or second. And that makes me feel cheap.
I think I’m his eyes, I’ll always be second too, just because he’s known her longer and already married to her.
It makes me feel bad about myself and that’s why the relationship isn’t working. I just don’t feel like I’m respecting myself.

I don't think anyone, including poly people who are ok sharing love with more than one partner, would feel ok if they are not respecting themselves, their values, and their personal limitations.

Point blank -- poly is NOT for everyone. If you just don't groove on that? You just don't. No need to bend yourself into pretzels about it.

I think I either need to learn to value his love for what it is or move on.

Aren't you already doing that? :confused: You value his love for what it is already -- and you find it is not enough for you or in the way you want to feel happy participating in the relationship. So... could move on. Stop participating.

How other poly people experience or value love isn't going to change how YOU experience and value love.

This was supposed to be a casual one night fling, and you ended up forming emotional entanglements. Stop doing one night flings if keeping them casual is a problem for you. That is part of honoring your personal limitations. Not everyone can do them or wants them.

I guess you could try poly with other people since you don't like how this guy does it with the veto and not wanting to you date anyone but him... but you don't really sound like you want poly in general anyway. So that doesn't sound like a realistic option in this situation.

Could go after what YOU really want -- an exclusive relationship that has a chance at marriage. There's nothing wrong with that or with wanting that.

I think there is something wrong with you trying to bend yourself into pretzels trying to make a thing that won't fly... fly anyway.

Maybe I was maybe looking for someone to tell me otherwise...
That marriage is stupid and doesn’t matter. That he could love me just as much.

Marriage is not stupid for those who want it and value it. You DO want it and value it, and talking yourself OUT of what you value just to keep going with this guy? That is like being your own con man. That's not honoring or respecting your values/yourself.

I think you are struggling with break up grief. Like deep down you know it's probably best, you already made plans to move away... and here it is. Time to tell him and actually pull the plug.

And maybe you are finding it hard now that is actually here because he's tugging at your heart strings with offers to move in with him and so on. If listening to his grief over the break up makes it harder for you? Remember you are a breaking up. It's not your job to help him with his emotional management around that. You have your own to tend to.

but all of your input has been really helpful to me. Thank you for that.

You are welcome. I hope in time you start to feel better.

Go after what you REALLY want. Don't sit around here with this guy or doing poly just "making do." If a relationship with this guy cannot give you want you REALLY want? If poly cannot give you what you REALLY want?

Don't do either one.

Galagirl
 
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I love both of my husbands very much.

But I do not put one on a pedestal over the other.. Neither one has power over the others relationship with me.

I split my time equally between homes I share with both. I own property with each man. I own pets with each man. I travel and share life events with both. Both have medical power of attorney and both are beneficiaries of my estate.

The only reason I am legally married to Butch is to get survivors benefits from his pension and to be one his health insurance. He has very very good health benefits.
 
Re (from Sept91lee):
"Maybe I was looking for someone to tell me otherwise ... that marriage is stupid and doesn't matter. That he could love me just as much."

FWIW, I am not married to my partner, and she is married to another man. However, I am completely confident that she loves me just as much as she loves him. That doesn't mean marriage is stupid, if anything perhaps it's an illustration of why it would be nice if we had legal poly marriage. My partner views me as her husband, just as much as she does her legal husband. I'm sure she would legally marry us both if she could.

*Could* your boyfriend love you just as much as he loves his wife? Yes. He could. *Does* he love you just as much? No. I don't think so.
 
I don’t think he does because he hasn’t known me as long.
I also feel like he tries too hard to make me happy. Does that make any sense? Like it’s not a natural flow, but he’s trying very hard and I feel like he can’t keep this up for very long. I also feel myself being abusive towards him because of my resentments. Like not being affectionate or giving him the silent treatment.
It’s too hard to give my all to someone who only gives me half of his. I feel like it’s important he knows I’m not happy with him all the time and I can feel myself being a bit of a bully sometimes.

I don’t think he treats me as an object? He hasn’t forbid me to date anyone else. Just stated that he wouldn’t be as happy. He has the same attitude about his wife dating others. She says when she brings it up, he gets mopey and sad.
 
I know of one guy who has successfully maintained two marriages for decades with the insistence that both remain monogamous. These women are not governed by religion and do not share a home with each other, I might add. So the only thing keeping them in this is their love for him. There is a BDSM dynamic where both are submissive to him.

However, to make this work, he gets up at 4am every day and swaps homes so one wife goes to bed with him and the other wakes up with him. He has ensured that both wives have equal legal protection, financially and medically. They are "out" everywhere to ensure equality. He works incredibly hard to ensure his wives are fulfilled by a monogamous marriage to a polyamorous man. He knows he couldn't demand this set up unless he more or less gives them everything they'd get from a monogamous husband.
 
Re (from Sept91lee):
"He hasn't forbade me to date anyone else. Just stated that he wouldn't be as happy. He has the same attitude about his wife dating others. She says when she brings it up, he gets mopey and sad."

Well then, at least he is treating you the same as his wife in that respect. Now if he would just jettison his wife's veto power!

Re:
"I don't think he does because he hasn't known me as long."

Knowing one person longer than the other doesn't automatically mean one loves the longer-known person more. Going back to the kids analogy, if the parents of one child then have a second child, will they love the first child more because they've known the first child longer? Unlikely, right? Again romantic love is not the same thing as parental love, but the two kinds of love have that in common: A second person who is "newer" than the first person can still be loved just as much.

Re:
"It's too hard to give my all to someone who only gives me half of his."

You shouldn't have to. He has two partners; you have half a partner. That isn't fair. It would be different if you enjoyed the extra me time you had when he was with his wife, but I don't think that helps you. I am thinking that you do not enjoy sharing your partner, poly is not a good fit for you. I'd say it would help if he'd let you seek a second partner, but even if he would I don't think you'd want to do that.
 
I don’t think he treats me as an object? He hasn’t forbid me to date anyone else. Just stated that he wouldn’t be as happy. He has the same attitude about his wife dating others. She says when she brings it up, he gets mopey and sad.

That seems pretty selfish. So what would he do if she got mopey and sad about him dating?
 
I don’t think he does because he hasn’t known me as long.

This is a belief that you keep repeating again and again. It's not TRUTH, it's just what you believe. Seems it's the basis of your insecurities and fears. As an alternative to your current emotional struggle, a far more satisfying approach would be for you to work on changing this belief. Your BF will never be able to deliver emotional security to you unless you dig up this weed from the garden of your mind: "It’s too hard to give my all to someone who only gives me half of his."
 
But isn’t it truth?
I’m giving all my attention and love to someone only giving me half of his. Or is that not the right way to see things?
 
But isn’t it truth?
I’m giving all my attention and love to someone only giving me half of his. Or is that not the right way to see things?
Not necessarily true.
For example, if you were focused on your career (or had a monogamous partner with a demanding career), it would also interfere with the relationship with your spouse.

Some people choose to see each other every evening, some people don't. It can be fine.

But I do know how you feel and why you feel that way. Unless your life is very full with very rewarding activities ... you'd rather have a full partner for yourself.
I had that feeling a lot in the beginning, it got better since I see Idealist about 4x a week. But. Although I stayed, there are still areas where it doesn't feel quite right.
 
Feelings are facts.

I disagree. Facts are objective, feelings are subjective or interpretive. "My stomach muscles are tightening and my heart is beating faster than usual" is a fact that might be interpreted either as "I feel scared" or "I feel excited."

Also, people often misuse the word "feelings" to refer to "interpretations" and "judgments." e.g. "I feel like going for a walk" when "like going for a walk" isn't a "feeling." Maybe someone feels restless and believes going for a walk would help settle them, or feels tired and believes going for a walk would be invigorating.

It's a really common manipulation to say you "feel" something that's actually an opinion, and then say you're entitled to your "feelings" and no one is allowed to say they're wrong, because "You don't know how I feel!" And "My partner loves his wife more than he loves me" is definitely a belief / interpretation not a "feeling."

So you can't be wrong about your feelings.

As my somatic awareness builds, I often find myself confused about what I'm feeling and how to interpret a given sensation in my body... Am I angry? Scared? Excited?

I agree that no one else can tell you what you're feeling or say that you're wrong about what you're feeling, but only with actual (body sensation) feelings, not interpretations and judgments.

When one parent looks at the other parent experiencing joy with the children, they don't struggle with jealousy as the others hug, giggle, and say "I love you".

I've met parents who very much feel jealous of the relationship between their spouse and their child. In fact, it's not at all unusual for one parent to be jealous of the time a new baby takes away from the parents' relationship. It just isn't talked about much because it's considered "wrong" in our culture to feel jealous of your new baby because she gets to suck on your wife's tits more than you do.
 
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Deep down I suspect I think that love from him isn’t worth as much because he’s poly and gives it to someone else as well. Like I’m not his person and if I’m not around, he isn’t lonely like I am because he has his wife.

Am I wrong about this?

It sounds to me like you value knowing that your partner loves you in a special way that they don't share with anyone else; that if your partner's love is shared, it loses a quality of "specialness" that's important for you. There's no shame in being monogamous-leaning and wanting a partner who doesn't share romantic love with anyone else, regardless of what kind of relationship you find yourself in right now.

I am a little curious about this loneliness part. What I'm wondering is... is it that you want your partner to be lonely when you're not there, or that you yourself don't like being lonely without your partner?

In my experience, being lonely is more a matter of not having enough (or the right kind of) friends and support in your life, and/or not having a good relationship with yourself. If you feel lonely whenever you're away from one particular person, I wonder if their presence is actually "masking" your loneliness more than solving it.

Do you have good friends and/or community in your life where you can be yourself and express your feelings without fear of judgement? I've found that building these in my life have helped a lot with feeling lonely when I'm away from my partner, far better than spending more time with him ever did.
 
He pursued her after what was going to be a one night stand.

Could be because he fell in love at first sight, could also be because he's insecure and that pursuing someone and convincing her to date him despite her reluctance boosts his fragile ego.

He's asked her to move in with them, which is exactly how other regular board members run their poly lives - all under one roof.

*Some* other regular members. There are as many poly dynamics in this forum as there are members.

He loves you so much that he wants to offer an alternative to that... you cohabiting with them.

It could be coming just as much from a place of insecurity as love. Maybe he asked her to move in because he's scared that if she moves away, it will reinforce his belief that he's inadequate and unworthy of love, and maybe even trigger fear that his wife will eventually leave him too. None of us know why he invited her to move in, we can only guess.
 
Could be because he fell in love at first sight, could also be because he's insecure and that pursuing someone and convincing her to date him despite her reluctance boosts his fragile ego.



*Some* other regular members. There are as many poly dynamics in this forum as there are members.



It could be coming just as much from a place of insecurity as love. Maybe he asked her to move in because he's scared that if she moves away, it will reinforce his belief that he's inadequate and unworthy of love, and maybe even trigger fear that his wife will eventually leave him too. None of us know why he invited her to move in, we can only guess.

Yes, yes, we must include all the qualifiers all the time. Some do this, some others do that.

And we have zero information about his motivations. We always read the text through our own lenses.

This all became a bit repetitive a few days ago. He's married. He's not enough for her. End of story.

The horse is dead. The flogging only bothers the one swinging the whip.
 
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