I have been reading about Polyamory and wondering for close to 15 years if it could ever be something I'd be happy in.
Back then when i first learned of it's existence I was a "clean slate" as it were, never dated, never had any romantic attachment to anyone beyond a crush.
In my early 20s I met a younger woman who would become my first girlfriend. At the time she was in an "open relationship" with a much older man. I don't think it was much of a relationship at all though. He aspired to be a musician, and I think he saw her more as a groupie than a partner.
We dated, she began to see faults in that relationship and broke it off with him. We became a monogamous couple, but after some time I discovered that she'd cheated and the relationship fell apart.
Later on, I had a couple of nights with another woman I knew who was in a sort of swinging relationship. It was not anything lasting, just a short-lived fling. ...so i am not a stranger to non-monogamy, but my current relationship of 9 years has been monogamous from the start.
My wife (whom I'll call Erzulie) though, came to terms with her sexual orientation (bi) last year, and the possibilities of opening up were raised.
Meanwhile, we have a close friend (let's call her Brigit) who has many common interests with both of us, and whom we tend to spend a lot of time together with. I've had a crush on Brigit for some time, but being in a monogamous relationship, and not wanting to hurt or lose either my wife or friend, I confessed my crush to my wife and hid it from Brigit, and had placed emotional barriers between me and Brigit, not allowing myself to get as close in some ways (such as friendly hugs hello/goodbye) as i do with other friends, despite Brigit actually being closer to me than any of my other friends (with the exception of Erzulie).
As Erzulie and I live in a different city from Brigit, when we spend time together, it is often for a weekend. Erzulie and I keep some blankets and an air mattress in the car in case we find ourselves at Brigit's late one Sat. night. Often we travel to visit friends together who live in yet another city again, and Brigit's house is an overnight stop on the way back home.
When Erzulie left the country for a temporary work placement, she and I discussed the what ifs of either of us finding ourselves falling for someone else. it was agreed between us that while we are apart is not a time to be looking for others, and that we would maintain our mono status during that time. I was told, flat out not to spend the night at Brigit's, and I haven't.
I am not sure if a poly relationship is in the cards for our future, after conversations with my wife, it's not a possibility that we've ruled out, but it is something that we are both very skeptical about it ever working out. But I really do wish that I knew if my crush was anything more, if poly was a realistic possibility, or something I am just hoping for to make me feel ok with having such a long lasting crush on our friend. Most of all I wish there was a magical way to tell if Brigit felt similarly toward me. It's scary to feel like your life is teetering between a possible turn toward greater happiness, and utter disaster. How do you know before opening Pandora's box, as it were, if it will bring peace or pain?
I am scared of the idea of opening the door and then finding that one of us cannot handle it. I am also scared that we open up and find that one or the other of us cannot find what we thought we would. If Erzulie decides she wants to explore that newly acknowledged part of her sexuality but doesn't find a suitable lover, or she does, but it turns out that Brigit is not interested, or worse, scared away from even being friends... then what?
Then it's too late to go back. How do you know when you are ready (if you'll ever be ready) to go from mono to poly? How do you know if a friendship could become more than a friendship without risking that very friendship?
If Erzulie and I decide to stay in our mono state, I would be happy and could never cheat. I would of course always wonder how things might have been different, but that will always be the case with many of life's twists and turns.
Back then when i first learned of it's existence I was a "clean slate" as it were, never dated, never had any romantic attachment to anyone beyond a crush.
In my early 20s I met a younger woman who would become my first girlfriend. At the time she was in an "open relationship" with a much older man. I don't think it was much of a relationship at all though. He aspired to be a musician, and I think he saw her more as a groupie than a partner.
We dated, she began to see faults in that relationship and broke it off with him. We became a monogamous couple, but after some time I discovered that she'd cheated and the relationship fell apart.
Later on, I had a couple of nights with another woman I knew who was in a sort of swinging relationship. It was not anything lasting, just a short-lived fling. ...so i am not a stranger to non-monogamy, but my current relationship of 9 years has been monogamous from the start.
My wife (whom I'll call Erzulie) though, came to terms with her sexual orientation (bi) last year, and the possibilities of opening up were raised.
Meanwhile, we have a close friend (let's call her Brigit) who has many common interests with both of us, and whom we tend to spend a lot of time together with. I've had a crush on Brigit for some time, but being in a monogamous relationship, and not wanting to hurt or lose either my wife or friend, I confessed my crush to my wife and hid it from Brigit, and had placed emotional barriers between me and Brigit, not allowing myself to get as close in some ways (such as friendly hugs hello/goodbye) as i do with other friends, despite Brigit actually being closer to me than any of my other friends (with the exception of Erzulie).
As Erzulie and I live in a different city from Brigit, when we spend time together, it is often for a weekend. Erzulie and I keep some blankets and an air mattress in the car in case we find ourselves at Brigit's late one Sat. night. Often we travel to visit friends together who live in yet another city again, and Brigit's house is an overnight stop on the way back home.
When Erzulie left the country for a temporary work placement, she and I discussed the what ifs of either of us finding ourselves falling for someone else. it was agreed between us that while we are apart is not a time to be looking for others, and that we would maintain our mono status during that time. I was told, flat out not to spend the night at Brigit's, and I haven't.
I am not sure if a poly relationship is in the cards for our future, after conversations with my wife, it's not a possibility that we've ruled out, but it is something that we are both very skeptical about it ever working out. But I really do wish that I knew if my crush was anything more, if poly was a realistic possibility, or something I am just hoping for to make me feel ok with having such a long lasting crush on our friend. Most of all I wish there was a magical way to tell if Brigit felt similarly toward me. It's scary to feel like your life is teetering between a possible turn toward greater happiness, and utter disaster. How do you know before opening Pandora's box, as it were, if it will bring peace or pain?
I am scared of the idea of opening the door and then finding that one of us cannot handle it. I am also scared that we open up and find that one or the other of us cannot find what we thought we would. If Erzulie decides she wants to explore that newly acknowledged part of her sexuality but doesn't find a suitable lover, or she does, but it turns out that Brigit is not interested, or worse, scared away from even being friends... then what?
Then it's too late to go back. How do you know when you are ready (if you'll ever be ready) to go from mono to poly? How do you know if a friendship could become more than a friendship without risking that very friendship?
If Erzulie and I decide to stay in our mono state, I would be happy and could never cheat. I would of course always wonder how things might have been different, but that will always be the case with many of life's twists and turns.