First relationship and its a quad... help!

newandexcited

New member
Hello all!

I could use a little insight.
I have been lucky enough to be surrounded by friends who are poly, open relationships and everything in between.
So this lifestyle is not a new concept to me and my husband, but this is the first time we have decided to move forward.

We met another couple and we have all been really good friends and getting closer over the past couple years. They also have never tried any kind of open relationship, but are familiar with the concept.

I read all the books and forums and felt like I was prepared.

OMG This is so much harder than I expected.

We have all agreed to move slow.
We want to be able to deal with any issues that arise, talk everything out.
We have spent so much time talking to each other about how we're feeling, different scenarios, boundaries, expectations... you name it!
All before we decided to put anything sexual in the mix.

We all feel like we have grown closer and were prepared.

We live a few hours away from each other and got together for a weekend.

It ended up being an emotional roller coaster. It was a ton of fun, but I was so burned out emotionally after all that.

I'll spare you all the details since this is already incredibly long.

But I'm feeling like one of the biggest issues here is that the other couple is very worried about what the other one is doing at all times and how they are feeling.

My husband and I decided that we trust the other one completely to do whatever they want sexually and emotionally this weekend. We trust the other one to be honest and communicate if we have anything we need to talk about or if there is anything wrong.
Basically we told the other one "have fun this weekend, let me know if you need anything".

The other couple is way more cautious.
The other girl is super nervous about her husband being sexual with another woman. We allayed her fears. Neither of us are ready to jump in and have sex yet so that fact that she doesnt want us to yet is fine. We want to go slow.
But she feels horrible because she feels like we are limiting our relationship to make her feel better.
On my end, thats not true.
I'm not having sex yet because I don't want to.
Her and my husband did decide to have sex this weekend. Which is fine with me. I'm glad they had fun. Her husband is fine with it.
Him and I are both fine with the fact that we didn't have sex yet.

However the other girl feels horrible that its her fault.

Then there is the fact that the rest of the weekend was a little awkward because I didn't know how to talk to the other husband after all the intimacy we shared the first time.
We all had fun and hung out as a group the whole weekend afterwards, but him and I barely talked. When we did, he was worrying about if his wife was doing OK.

The other wife told me afterwards that he was just super worried about making her jealous and to just give him time. She does struggle with jealousy a lot and this weekend was rough for her with that.
She urged me to text him and talk to him more often and work on building our friendship / relationship for the next few weeks until we can all get together again.

I also talked things out with him and told him how I was feeling about it all.
Then he texts me a confusing message about how he wants us to be able to talk and have a good relationship going, but he also wants to make sure I have a good relationship with his wife. In the future, I should go to her first if I need to talk to someone before coming to him. Just to make sure she is included.

On one hand, I understand why he is feeling the way he is. He doesnt want this all to end and wants to make sure his wife is 100% comfortable with everything going on every step of the way.

On the other, I am getting sick of both of them telling me who I should be talking to, what sexual boundaries are OK with their significant other, etc. I feel like its so much back and forth.

I am almost tempted to call off the whole thing since I am not sure they are ready for this.

I feel like they need to stop worrying so much.
 
Hi, newandexcited. Firstly, I just want to say it'd probably help if you gave the individuals in this scenario nicknames, to save on confusion.

**********

This is all very typical of newbie jitters --- the cautiousness, the jealousy, the wanting to take things slow and setting boundaries, even the hypocrisy of the other wife choosing to have sex with your husband yet "not being ready" for you to get sexual with her own partner.

That said, you're right to doubt they are truly ready for this just yet.

The situation has potential to progress and develop into a satisfying quad arrangement, however this other couple must do more work on their side of the equation before anything more happens, or else it'll become unbalanced and resentments will grow (on both sides).

I do stress, this is THEIR issue to work on. While jealousy is a valid and understandable emotion, the wife needs to figure out exactly what it is she's afraid of (what's triggering her jealousy, deep down) and do the work to combat that, IF she's serious about being involved in a quad style poly relationship.

Meanwhile, her husband needs to work on feelings of enmeshment (perhaps even co-dependency issues) if he's so afraid of her reactions, or hurting her, that he won't even talk about the situation with YOU, but instead is asking you to go to HER with any concerns you may have.

There is of course nothing to stop the THREE of you jointly discussing these issues, via group chat or in person. Or even all four of you, since you're a quad. However, IF a relationship is going to form between you and the other husband, you have to be free to talk, if nothing else.
 
Thanks!
That is really helpful.

Part of me feels like I want to do something to help, but you're right.
They need to figure out their stuff and I can't do it for them.
 
Thanks!
That is really helpful.

Part of me feels like I want to do something to help, but you're right.
They need to figure out their stuff and I can't do it for them.

You're welcome.

I think the issue of the other couple's readiness ought to be broached before any/all of you get in too deep. The main problem with this is that, to some extent, the horse has already bolted as far as your husband and the other woman are concerned.

How do you think your husband would feel about scaling back the level of physical intimacy with the wife while she and her partner work on their issues, now that they've already shared sex?
 
You're welcome.

I think the issue of the other couple's readiness ought to be broached before any/all of you get in too deep. The main problem with this is that, to some extent, the horse has already bolted as far as your husband and the other woman are concerned.

How do you think your husband would feel about scaling back the level of physical intimacy with the wife while she and her partner work on their issues, now that they've already shared sex?


That's a good point. I will talk with my husband tonight.
I don't think he would see an issue with it.

It also helps that we live a few hours away and with work schedules, we aren't going to see them for a couple weeks anyway, so that alone will give us space to just talk everything out.
 
Hello newandexcited,

I have to say, I share your doubts about whether this other couple is ready for polyamory. The wife has lots of jealousy issues, and her husband is walking on eggshells where she is concerned. It is exciting to have a quad, but it takes work. Is she willing to do that work? Is her husband willing to let her do her own part of the work? It kind of sounds like he wants to make things perfect for her. Things aren't going to be perfect. She isn't going to be 100% comfortable with everything going on. She needs to accept that, and her husband needs to accept that too. If that's asking too much of them at this time, I would suggest putting the quad on hold for now. Resume if/when she is ready to do her part of the work and her husband is ready to let her do it.

If she wants to develop a friendship with you, then I think she should take the initiative. If she wants to have conversations with you, then I think she should contact you. It is enough that you respond to her in a friendly way. Not that you can't contact her, but just that maybe she should make the first move. This idea of talking to her *instead* of talking to her husband doesn't sound healthy. You should be able to talk directly to either of them, according to your own inclination and judgment.

It's going to be a couple of weeks before you can see them again in person, so maybe you could use that time to consider your options. It does make it awfully awkward if her husband is unwilling to talk with you though. Is he?

I hope that the four of you can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
On one hand, I understand why he is feeling the way he is. He doesnt want this all to end and wants to make sure his wife is 100% comfortable with everything going on every step of the way.

Ok. You feel understanding for them.

On the other, I am getting sick of both of them telling me who I should be talking to, what sexual boundaries are OK with their significant other, etc. I feel like its so much back and forth.

I am almost tempted to call off the whole thing since I am not sure they are ready for this.

I think it is ok to feel understanding for YOU too.

If you think they are not really ready? Or not really into this? It's ok for you to vote "no confidence" and not participate.

Your spouse may want to keep going with her, but it's ok if you don't want to keep going.

I think Kevin put it well:

The wife has lots of jealousy issues, and her husband is walking on eggshells where she is concerned. It is exciting to have a quad, but it takes work. Is she willing to do that work? Is her husband willing to let her do her own part of the work? It kind of sounds like he wants to make things perfect for her. Things aren't going to be perfect. She isn't going to be 100% comfortable with everything going on. She needs to accept that, and her husband needs to accept that too. If that's asking too much of them at this time, I would suggest putting the quad on hold for now. Resume if/when she is ready to do her part of the work and her husband is ready to let her do it.

Things are NOT going to be perfect -- things are changing. And part of that change will include detangling from the spouse. If they haven't done that work ahead of time? They could pause to do it. They both seem to "hover" around the other one.

They could also not expect both sides of their V to "go at the same speed." First she feels bad she's holding (her husband and you "back" sexually) and then she's worried (her and your husband are "ahead" sexually). Why race? Why's everything measured in sex share?

How about each "mini couple" decides for that mini couple how they want things to go between them and whether or not it will include sex? Does the husband understand it is ok for her NOT to be included in the (you + him) mini couple?

She is included in the polycule, but that doesn't mean she gets a voice in everything. He is not included in the (you + your husband) mini couple. He doesn't get to vote what kind of couch you + your husband pick out for your living room.

You are not included in the (him + his wife) mini couple. You don't get a vote in what kind of towels they buy for their bathroom.

That doesn't mean people are being shunned or left out of the polycule. That means that mini couple has only those people in it.

If having the other spouse "on site" adds to these jitters, maybe next time NOT be all at the same place. You and potential meet up in your town and your husband and the other wife meet up in theirs. Or maybe meet for lunch in the middle somewhere and then divide up to separate towns.

Or meet in the middle for a movie together, then dinner separately. Then dessert together then everyone go home with their own spouse. Some more low key? Maybe this weekend together was too "high key" a date to start out with.

But if you think it is more struggle than it is worth? It's ok to just stop entirely rather than "dial down." Just because you found a couple willing to poly date doesn't meant they are gonna be a long haul runner for both you and your spouse or even at all.

It's ok to try something, then decide to be friends instead. I encourage you to do some soul searching. Is this part of the "not perfect" and something you are willing to ride out a bit? Or is this a total dealbreaker for you ?

Galagirl
 
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Good lord, lol. You all need to calm down and take a breath! What I see here is a group of people tying to anticipate each others' needs/reactions, instead of communicating.

Feeling jittery is totally normal. Having doubts is normal. Talking it out should be normal too, but so many people don't.

So are you even really into this guy? It doesn't sound like there is a lot of chemistry there. Or maybe he isn't comfortable enough to be himself? What happens if you two don't hit it off like that?

I've never done a quad thing before. It seems to me better to look at it as four individuals rather than two couples.
 
Ok. You feel understanding for them.

They could also not expect both sides of their V to "go at the same speed." First she feels bad she's holding (her husband and you "back" sexually) and then she's worried (her and your husband are "ahead" sexually). Why race? Why's everything measured in sex share?

How about each "mini couple" decides for that mini couple how they want things to go between them and whether or not it will include sex? Does the husband understand it is ok for her NOT to be included in the (you + him) mini couple?

She is included in the polycule, but that doesn't mean she gets a voice in everything. He is not included in the (you + your husband) mini couple. He doesn't get to vote what kind of couch you + your husband pick out for your living room.

You are not included in the (him + his wife) mini couple. You don't get a vote in what kind of towels they buy for their bathroom.

That doesn't mean people are being shunned or left out of the polycule. That means that mini couple has only those people in it.

If having the other spouse "on site" adds to these jitters, maybe next time NOT be all at the same place. You and potential meet up in your town and your husband and the other wife meet up in theirs. Or maybe meet for lunch in the middle somewhere and then divide up to separate towns.

Or meet in the middle for a movie together, then dinner separately. Then dessert together then everyone go home with their own spouse. Some more low key? Maybe this weekend together was too "high key" a date to start out with.

But if you think it is more struggle than it is worth? It's ok to just stop entirely rather than "dial down." Just because you found a couple willing to poly date doesn't meant they are gonna be a long haul runner for both you and your spouse or even at all.

It's ok to try something, then decide to be friends instead. I encourage you to do some soul searching. Is this part of the "not perfect" and something you are willing to ride out a bit? Or is this a total dealbreaker for you ?

Galagirl

Thank you!!
I feel like I am understand this, but they are not.
My husband and the other wife have no issues between them because no one is telling them what they should or shouldn't do.

I am doing some serious thinking on if / how I want to continue. I am completely OK with my husband continuing to see the other wife if he wants to.

I am also guilty of walking on eggshells with the other wife. When we sit down to talk, I need to be more up front with them that I don't think she should be so controlling about what is going on between me and her husband... just for her own peace of mind.
 
Good lord, lol. You all need to calm down and take a breath! What I see here is a group of people tying to anticipate each others' needs/reactions, instead of communicating.

Feeling jittery is totally normal. Having doubts is normal. Talking it out should be normal too, but so many people don't.

So are you even really into this guy? It doesn't sound like there is a lot of chemistry there. Or maybe he isn't comfortable enough to be himself? What happens if you two don't hit it off like that?

I've never done a quad thing before. It seems to me better to look at it as four individuals rather than two couples.


I feel like we are doing a lot of talking about it all, but not necessarily communicating well and understanding each other.

All the drama completely overshadowed it.... but the physical chemistry is phenomenal!

I've never felt physical chemistry like that with anyone before. That's probably the only reason I'm not jumping ship right now lol.
 
Others have given you better advice than I could, but I just wanted to say that it sounds from your post like the other wife is aware that it isn't okay for her to dictate your sex life with her husband, and it sounds like that's something she wants to work on not doing. If that's the case, then I would say there's reasonable hope that you all can work this out, assuming her husband is willing to speak up for himself.
 
I am also guilty of walking on eggshells with the other wife. When we sit down to talk, I need to be more up front with them that I don't think she should be so controlling about what is going on between me and her husband... just for her own peace of mind.

I'm going with generic names just to make this a bit easier to read. (I'm happy to go with what you pick if you change them.)

Maybe say something like "Jane (Wife) is telling me to talk to Bob (her husband) more. Bob is telling me to talk to Jane first. This is mixed messages/confusing to me. I need to clarify my communication preferences. I prefer to talk DIRECTLY to the person I want to talk to rather than "through" the spouse first.

I see the larger poly network is made up of "mini relationships" inside. My husband and I are a mini relationship. Neither of you gets to help vote what couch we pick out for our house. You two are spouses. Neither of us gets a vote on what couch you pick for your house. As we date, Jane and my husband are a couple. I don't get a vote on where they go to dinner or what movie they see and I do not interfere. I'd like the same respect back. Me and Bob are a couple. I'd like Bob and I to be the ones who pick the things for our mini relationship.

I am willing to respect agreements and boundaries if reasonable and rational.

We need to calibrate what each person thinks is within their concerns. (Ex: knowing that the spouse and the new partner use birth control, practice safer sex)

We need to calibrate what each person thinks is NOT within their concerns. (Ex: That couple A likes to do it standing up in the shower)"

That conversation could be the whole group if you want. The "What is TMI and what is not?" conversation.

You may also have to have a separate conversation with him alone about HOW he talks.

It is one thing if he has agreements with his wife to keep and he says "No. I cannot have children with you. I have agreements with my wife that I choose to keep. I don't want more kids and I agreed with her not to have more kids/give my kids half siblings." In that voice, HE is in charge of his choices.

It's another if he talks like his wife controls all. "My wife says I cannot have kids with you." If he uses that voice, WIFE is in charge of his choices or he acts like wife is and uses her as excuse. That's off putting either way.

I feel like we are doing a lot of talking about it all, but not necessarily communicating well and understanding each other.

That may take some time. You can help by broadcasting your stuff clearly in plain language. Your preferences, what you are and are not up for. Do active listening when someone else is talking.

You could also say "Ok, let me summarize that in my own words so I know I got it how you mean it. You said...." and "Now repeat back what I just said in your own words so I know you got it how I meant it" to help cut down on misunderstandings.

Galagirl
 
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Hello all!



We met another couple and we have all been really good friends and getting closer over the past couple years. They also have never tried any kind of open relationship, but are familiar with the concept.

Has there been any discussion on how or who started the move into an open or poly marriage.

It sort of sounds like the is involved in a sales job. Let his wife get comfortable and hoefully distracted then jump into the pool or rather slip intomthe pool while no ones looking.

On the other hand we’ve seen plenty of women who claim to want poly and then flip out when their husband becomes active.

It might be helpful to know the origins of all this.
 
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