Feeling Abandoned

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Once again, I realise that everyone has their own way of doing things, but since you don't consider this a casual relationship, it strikes me as somewhat off-kilter that you don't feel comfortable calling him or visiting without an invitation.

This isn't directed at you specifically, KC43, but out of interest I'll ask other readers: Is it a common part of "poly etiquette" to not call or show up at the homes of non-nesting partners unannounced?

I'd never thought of it before... but I guess, due to issues of privacy and the fact that one's partners may have several other partners, it may come across as intrusive to simply show up, yes/no?

It may be a matter of personal preference and have nothing to do with poly.

I would never show up at someone's house unannounced - whether they had other partner's or not. I would call or text first to make sure it was OK. I don't want anyone showing up at my house unannounced either - I might be having sex, or masturbating in the shower, or in a foul mood, or finishing a last minute project for work and not want to be interrupted.

I have a key to my BFF's house - and might drop by to play with the dog or something IF I know that she is NOT home. If I think she may be home I check and make sure I am not interrupting anything.

Personally, I even generally text the boys a "heads up" when I am heading home (the standing joke is that is so they can "send the strippers home":p).
 
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...I also tend to avoid phone calls because it's difficult for me to process what someone's saying unless I can see them speaking..

Me too! :eek:

I can understand MrS - because I know his patterns and mannerisms so well that I can "see" him in my mind's eye, same with my best friend from school. I can't understand Dude at all because everything he says, particularly on the phone, seems like a non sequiter:confused:

I generally prefer to text as well. SLeW and I usually FaceTime.
 
I'm also glad the waiting period is over ... and I must admit I'm more than a little bit curious what happened, or at least if you're giving him another chance or not, although I realize that talking about the specific issues might be too much from the privacy point of view.
 
I can't get into what happened, because it isn't my place to talk about. But I do consider it a valid reason, and while he could have taken a moment to text and let me know he would be out of touch for a while, or could have answered one of my texts, I understand that given the circumstance, he might not have had the emotional bandwidth or might not even have thought of it. So I am giving him another chance, since this is not typical behavior on his part, but I'm also going to make sure he understands the impact this had on me, and will ask that in the future, if something happens again that means he'll be out of touch for a while, he give me a heads up that I won't hear from him.
 
I hope there's no more problems in the future!
 
He didn't get "busted." He had to leave the state for a while to deal with an emergency situation, and he contacted me as soon as he got back. We're still discussing his going out of contact, and how to ensure something like this doesn't happen in the future. He could have texted me to at least let me know he would be gone for a while, and that's part of what we're discussing, but given the circumstances I understand why he didn't.

As for "lather, rinse, repeat," this is the first time he has done something like this since we've been together, and it was caused by something outside of his control. Something that is unlikely to happen again.

He didn't just capriciously decide to cut contact with me. If that had been the case, he and I would be done.
 
I'm sorry Facets did that. I can't imagine not telling any partner of mine that I had an emergency to deal with and was leaving the state for an unspecified period of time. Texting to break a date and then not answering multiple texts, even with just a few words! I don't care how upset a partner is... that is just downright rude, IMO. Especially if he was posting on Fetlife or whatever, and knew you'd see him posting there but not responding to your (probably hurt sounding) texts.

Ugh.

I understand certain people have a tendency to withdraw when they are hurt, recovering from surgery, from an emotional upset, etc. I have especially found people under the sign of Cancer to do this. But I don't like dating people like that.

A few years ago, I dated a very nice, smart, sexy and sweet woman who needed eye surgery. I drove her to surgery and picked her up a few hours later, and drove her home, stopping at the store on the way to run in and get her groceries. I fixed her a glass of ice water at her request, and tucked her into bed. Then I left so she could sleep.

She then refused to say one word to me for 2 weeks as she healed. She could see her phone or computer, see my texts or my message on OKC or Fetlife! She had one good eye. I knew she had another partner too. I wondered if she was talking to him, or even having him visit, and not me, and I wondered why this was happening.

Finally she got in touch. I expressed how worried I'd been, and how hurt. She was completely surprised she'd hurt me, and explained she tended to withdraw when sick or injured. It was a habit from childhood, since her parents weren't good at nurturing their kids when they were sick. She didn't want to "bother" me or put me out.

That's fine for her. It wasn't fine for me. I broke up with her soon afterward. We had a couple other issues, but this was definitely one of them. I am a nurturing person. If a partner doesn't want my help for an extended period of time (say more than a week) and refuses to even communicate in any way, or even give an explanation just so I know they are still alive, well, they are just not dating material for me.

But for you, it seems you've forgiven Facets. And are willing to have him do this to you again, if and when he feels like it? Even knowing you have abandonment issues? I think if you have a minute to post on social media, you have a minute to text a beloved partner. Not having "emotional bandwidth," no matter how stressed one is, to communicate for a freeking minute would be a dealbreaker for me.
 
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To be a little fair (very little), he didn't exactly post anything on Fet. He accepted a friend request one day, and another one the next day, which showed up in my feed. On the other hand, he was away over Thanksgiving (which he told me about in advance) and wasn't able to text me then, and he was in the same place part of this time so there might be something about his phone service or roaming charges or something that keeps him from texting. I don't know, I'm just throwing out possibilities.

I am a Cancer. I don't withdraw at times like that; when I'm struggling I'm more likely to reach out because otherwise I'm spending too much time feeling alone. But there are definitely people who withdraw. Hubby's another of them.

I'm not willing to have Facets do this to me again. This was an exceptional circumstance, and was the first time he's done something like this. I agree with you that he could have taken a moment to text me. He didn't, and that's part of what I'm discussing with him. I'm making it very clear to him what I need in the future if he has another emergency or something he has to deal with. If he is unwilling to provide that, and something like this happens again, I'll be done. (Honestly, if I tell him what I need and he says he's unwilling to provide it, I might be done at that point and not wait to see if something happens again.) Under the circumstances, I'm willing to give him a second chance. I would not be willing to give him a third.
 
I can't imagine not telling any partner of mine that I had an emergency to deal with

I am a nurturing person. If a partner doesn't want my help for an extended period of time (say more than a week) and refuses to even communicate in any way, or even give an explanation just so I know they are still alive, well, they are just not dating material for me.

Not having "emotional bandwidth," no matter how stressed one is, to communicate for a freeking minute would be a dealbreaker for me.

Despite being somewhat of a loner, I am much the same way, Magdlyn, hence my questions to the forum about communication etiquette earlier in the thread.

In fact, last weekend I broke up with one of my primary partners, Jester, over a similar issue. He had been uncommunicative (verging on nada in the way of messages or calls) for over a month, because he was stressed out by his college workload and tired from a new medication.

While I understood he was having some difficulties and tried to be patient, choosing to withdraw for that long became a dealbreaker, on the back of a year+ of reduced communication and effort. It was like there was no more relationship, though he said it wasn't so.

The OP hasn't experienced repeated episodes of this kind with Facets (and I hope it doesn't happen again, KC) so I can understand the decision to give him another chance. Isolated incidents like this CAN happen, I agree... but when it's clearly an M.O. I concur it's time to get out.
 
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