Love with only decent sex?

greentree

New member
I have been in an open relationship for about 7 months now and am in a long distance relationship with my primary partner who I've been with for 5 years. We have a very honest, non-jealous open relationship which is wonderful. The only problem is that I've realized as the months have gone on, that the amazing sex I have with my new partner is not just because of the excitement of a new relationship. We continue to have amazing sex, consistently amazing sex, every single time. Which we both say is the best we've ever had with anyone else. I attribute this primarily to how attracted I am to this new person physically, if not as much (though it's still there) emotionally, as well as the fact that we both enjoy the same things in the bedroom.

My primary partner is not as attractive to me physically even though emotionally I love them much more and they are my perfect complement in every emotional and intellectual way. We have of course had great sex, because love is a very powerful thing, and I do find them attractive, just not as much.

I'm concerned by how I will feel if I choose to marry my primary partner as we will likely close our relationship when we are no longer long distance. I worry that they will feel lesser because they do not turn me on in the same way, or that I will feel unsatisfied. Either of these things could turn to resentment from both sides. We have already experienced mild versions of this causing tension between us. This is also a difficult thing to 'work on' because how do you tell someone "you don't intrinsically turn me on as much, so I'd like to figure out how to have better sex"?? But I really would like to figure out how to have better sex with them, without anyone's feelings getting hurt.

I want to raise a family with ONE life partner, and just want to make sure I find the right person to do that with. I want that person to be right in as many ways as possible (ideally I would want one's personality in the other's body), but right now I'm wondering if that is too much to ask?
 
Is the not as good sex due almost entirely to the physical attraction, or is a some of it just a matter of that partner not really knowing or liking the same things that you like in bed as much? Not much you can do about the physical aspect of things unless it's something along the lines of weight/hygiene (which you can have an honest, hopefully as tactful as possible, conversation with your partner about.... but you can't make them change, only they can).

If there are areas where you don't mesh as well sexually, for starters you can just try suggesting things. Maybe you need different touches or there's some technique type skills that you'd like them to try. You can do that in a sexy way.... during sex guide their hands with yours, make sexy suggestions (or orders if you're into that sort of thing). That's at least a good place to start to see if your partner can take the hint and learn so that you can avoid having a more serious "hey, let's talk about these areas in bed where I'm not really as satisfied." If suggesting some changes that way doesn't work, then you can still try a more lighthearted conversation where you just talk about things you want to try with them in bed, etc.

If that doesn't work, well, you might just have to unfortunately have a serious talk about your sexual differences and figure out if those differences are a gap that can be bridged with each of you trying new/different things, or if those differences are always going to be there.

Ultimately, depending on how much the mediocre sex is able to be improved, it's going to be up to you whether you willing to "settle" for that and close your relationship, get married, etc. Though I have to say, since you seem to be comfortably doing the poly thing now, why is there a need to close the relationship just because you would eventually marry and live with your primary? If that's what you want, fine. But it might be worth thinking about WHY you want that and if you really want it because that's what's best for you or if it's just what most people grow up thinking is the right way to do things.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

Do you want Open marriage or Closed marriage? That's something only YOU can anwer for yourself. Don't agree to things you do not really want.

how do you tell someone "you don't intrinsically turn me on as much, so I'd like to figure out how to have better sex"? But I really would like to figure out how to have better sex with them, without anyone's feelings getting hurt.

So don't tell them that they don't turn you on as much as the other GF. Could focus on what you want to change - the kind of sex you are sharing. Ask about that. Like "I'd like to try new things. I was wondering... could you be willing to try X the next time we share sex?"

I want to raise a family with ONE life partner, and just want to make sure I find the right person to do that with. I want that person to be right in as many ways as possible (ideally I would want one's personality in the other's body), but right now I'm wondering if that is too much to ask?

You want what you want. Is it that each is ok for "GF" but neither is "spouse" material? And you are coming to terms with that?

Galagirl
 
Hi greentree,

Would it help to get some counsel from a sex therapist?

It sounds like you and your primary partner are planning to close and get married as soon as you live near/with each other. Can you postpone the wedding until after you have had some counseling as a couple?

Does your new partner know that you are going to close your relationship with your primary partner? Hopefully so ...

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
IME, great sex is great sex, but it DOES wane (& perhaps wax again). Seven months is hardly enough to say that this is going to continue for any great span. It sorta sounds like you're having the affair before the marriage.

You've got an LDR. When you're actually together on a daily basis, it's NOT going to be the same relationship, & may well become closer & even profoundly satisfying... or decline as one or both of you peel back all the layers that've accreted & realize it isn't what you'd talked yourselves into believing.

And if the LDR were to end (even before you're together), you might find that you want a LOT more than great sex, which is the sort of pressure that undermines sexual satisfaction, & soon enough you're back to square one.

Overall, it sounds a lot like the "dating around" part of monogamy.

I had a "life partner," we successfully launched a family, & for most of that time we also each had other lovers (often a few at a time) & sometimes shared the house with one or two. It seems to me that you might have to spend more time examining your preconceptions & determining the actual options that you could achieve.
 
I want to raise a family with ONE life partner, and just want to make sure I find the right person to do that with. I want that person to be right in as many ways as possible (ideally I would want one's personality in the other's body), but right now I'm wondering if that is too much to ask?

It's hard to tell if comparing people is the issue or whether you're just not all that physically into the person you're intending to marry. If you're comparing them, then there's lots you can do to adjust, but if you're just not all that turned on by Partner A, then.....

I'll tell you my own experience: I married a wonderful man with whom I enjoyed deep love and undying friendship, yet the sexual attraction was just not what I knew sexual attraction could be. I married at 38 with quite a bit of experience before hand. We had two kids and 15 great years, but when I turned 50 and was looking down the barrel of 50 more with a very unsatisfying sex life, well, we are now separating - amicably, but divorce is in the works. The unsatisfying sex wasn't for lack of trying by either of us. We communicated, discussed, made couple time, tried this n that, but if someone doesn't rev your engines, someone just does not rev your engines. My experience is that no, deep love does not guarantee great sex, especially as the years go on.

A lifetime with a partner you're not all that sexually excited about is a very, very, very long time. Thankfully, I don't see divorce as a failure, but as a transition, so the end of my marriage has been rather exciting for me, as it's opened up a whole new world of relationships and sex. But it was lack of full on mutual sexual attraction that did in my monogamous marriage. No doubt.
 
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Look, TheKnight and I have our issues in the bedroom (read my blog for details) but there is no one on EARTH I would rather be life partners with. Don't throw away something good just because you think life partners have to be "closed".
 
Don't throw away something good just because you think life partners have to be "closed".

Amen.

Soooooooo many marriages would stay intact if the partners and people in the supporting community could open their minds and hearts to the idea that love needs no vigilant protection by fear. I don't know of any long term (20+ years) monogamous marriages that include thoroughly fulfilling sex and deeply loving friendship. The fact that the divorce rate is now well over 50% shows me that long term monogamy without economic necessity is an ever more failing marriage model.
 
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Thanks everyone for your advice. I do think that it would be helpful to find ways to make gentle suggestions, it just sort of shocks me that we have gone on for so many years not REALLY knowing exactly what the other enjoys. I know people aren't mind readers, so I definitely need to take more of my own initiative.

It is also difficult being distance because you want the times you are together to be perfect, and this is a situation that really needs more long term tending to, which we won't be able to do for as much as another 6 months (though we're in the home stretch!).

The main reason I want one life partner is to experience raising children with both their parents and developing a wonderful and happy family unit. This is really important to me, and while I'm open to the idea of opening our relationship again at some point, I think that I would prefer being on our own for a while too. I think I agree with FallenAngelina that it wouldn't be a failure to divorce, I just think it would be really difficult for kids to handle.

Your saying, Angelina, that a lack of mutual physical attraction did your marriage in, is what concerns me. Because when you're not exactly enamoured with your partner, lack of attraction is no longer neutral, it's negative. But I suppose I will try to work on our sex life and various other issues and decide where I draw the line and what I'm willing to make work.

I'm also having some issues because I'm having to balance this person whose body is amazing with the person whom I love. And I'm pretty sure that my second partner is falling in love with me. Its strange feeling that I can't be completely honest with either of them (I believe in honesty, except when it is unnecessarily hurtful). I can't tell my primary how much I like sex with this other person, and I can't tell my second partner why they don't fully (nor will they ever) have my heart, though I've tried to make very clear that I will not be leaving my primary partner for them. I'm sure you are all much more experienced with this balancing act, with varying degrees of failure and success. I really feel for my second partner who just wants to find love and a solid relationship (something I can't really give them), and this is one reason I'm hesitant about being in a long term poly relationship. I know it's possible to completely balance the scales on everyone's end, but would be very difficult, and I don't know if I'll be up for that with kids. But I suppose we'll cross that bridge when we come to it!
 
FWIW, there's a lot of successful MFM V's out there, I am in one of them.
 
I can't tell my primary how much I like sex with this other person, and I can't tell my second partner why they don't fully (nor will they ever) have my heart, though I've tried to make very clear that I will not be leaving my primary partner for them.

The armchair therapist in me says that anyone who is experiencing this kind of "perfect partner split into two people" is not ready for long term commitment with either or with anyone. The split that you see in these partners means that your partner-choosing mechanism isn't mature yet and not zeroing in on one person who would be a good family making partner. Sure, it's wonderful to make a family (and I agree that monogamy is a wise choice during the early years) but I'm wondering why you have a sense of needing to commit your lifetime to either of these people. Unless you're in your early 40s and need to find a babydaddy now, you might think about backing off of the forever-after talk until you're really feelin it with one person.




I really feel for my second partner who just wants to find love and a solid relationship (something I can't really give them)
Just my opinion, but this strikes me as really mean. This great-body person is falling in love with you, opening his/her heart to you, growing ever more attached to you and you know that you will likely never return the feelings. Yet you keep on because you two have great sex? That really can't feel all that good of a situation for you, great bod and all. Or?
 
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I'm pretty sure that my second partner is falling in love with me. Its strange feeling that I can't be completely honest with either of them (I believe in honesty, except when it is unnecessarily hurtful). I can't tell my primary how much I like sex with this other person, and I can't tell my second partner why they don't fully (nor will they ever) have my heart..
Sometimes (or usually?) honesty is most needed in situations, when it is the hardest to be honest.
Do you hurt her more by telling her that they don't have your heart fully (and possibly letting her go, if she decides so), or by holding her in an illusion of love?
 
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