I married a liar - where do I go from here

Any relationship has it's ups and downs but if you are continuously questioning it, well my dear, they all end up the same. Over.

Bingo.

The trick is knowing when the relationship is actually over and what to do about it. It's the difference between being dead and undead, really. Some relationships end, but the participants keep shambling along in the corpse thinking it's alive.

Zombies shuffle about moaning "braaaiiiinns..." Zombie relationships shuffle about moaning "whyyyy donnn't youuu looove meeeee anyyy mooooore?" (Among other things...)
 
I do understand Ali wanting to give this one more shot where expectations and consequences are clearly defined. That way, she knows she has done everything she can to make her position clear. If he does lie again, he can't pretend he didn't know it was deal-breaker.

Hopefully, bassman now has a clearer idea of just how critical the truth is.
 
Just an FYI

I am not perfect

I kissed a co-worker 7 months after we married.

I cheated in 1999-2001 off and on.

Last June I had 4 nsa sex and thus cheated again.

This is posted so you know I am not perfect and have my faults.
 
Damn. That read like someone felt having their faults shared anonymously would lead everyone on this site to have empathy for you out of some deluded belief that you're the only perfect person on Earth and wanted you to list your faults as compensation. I really hope that isn't what's going on. :(

I can't speak for anyone else but I didn't have empathy for you because I believed you were perfect. I had empathy because I can understand how at your wits end you're feeling about habitual lying out of your partner.

Now why would anyone be upset that people might have empathy for you or think so well of you that they might mistake you for perfect?
 
I think that post was an effort to calm his anger over her posting this thread.

Anyway-

Alanon is a free option for learning how to not let people take advantage of you with their dysfunctional behaviors. I would look into it. I realize it was designed for spouses/children of alcoholics-but seriously-it helps with dealing with anyone who has a habitual dysfunctional behavior; like compulsive lying.

If option 1 (counseling) is a "no"; then the person who says no is responsible for offering option 2.
When there is a problem, you don't just say "no I don't like that potential solution" without offering another. That's irresponsible.

Finally-look for information on codependency. Because it may help YOU learn to make appropriate boundaries for YOU regarding how people in general (which would include him) treat you.
 
Catching up a bit with the boards, and I just want to give you a damned hug...

You are entitled to support from your friends and peers. My ex used to believe I was talking about him with my friends and painting him to be this horrible person... in reality, I wasn't, and being manipulated into NOT getting support from my friends only served to isolate me further from them until I couldn't stand it anymore.

This is anonymous forum. I don't know you or Bassman personally, and even if I did, I doubt I could identify you. Nobody will ID him on the street and give him the stinkeye because of this thread.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Maybe counseling could help him with your #1 item, because if it's all he's known his entire life, the probability of him sticking with it will likely be low.
 
Al-Anon is a great recommendation from LR! I have a friend who goes because his family is fucked up in a lot of ways (but not alcoholics), and he has learned many strategies for not inviting other people's fucked-upness into his life and also how not to put up with others' behaviors at his own expense. It's support for anyone who has someone close to them with addictive or destructive behaviors. Plus, it's free (or maybe a small voluntary donation) and you build a network of supportive people. If I were you, I'd check to see if you have any meetings in your area: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings
 
I have avoided this thread cause of many reasons and hopefully you have made a decision.. but if not, once you get down to the detailed "i said this at X time, and 12 minutes later he said this, and I responded Y and then didn't hear from him for Y time... unless its a one off or the partner explained with an answer that made you say "fuck I'm a paranoid bastard" you are in the land of no return.

Life is short, we get one. You can stay in relationships that dont make you happy, you can stay in relationships that make you nervous every day. You cheated but I'm guessing its not because you were happy and content but just bored? My advice in situations like this is always the same - get couples counseling if you can, solo for the big liar if possible, and if they wont, solo counseling - and if you say you cant afford it and have cable or drink alcohol, then you probably dont value this relationship that highly if you're not willing to give that up to do so.

I really hope it's a workable situation and things get ironed out.
 
Update: I am working on me and he on him and we on us. Counseling - will be an option for the future. There are other financial impacts that are taking our resources (very important for our financial health that we stay on task with this short term goal) and no, I hardly rarely drink and same with the hub. Other medical needs take precedence over a counselor, at this point in time.

I've done counseling in the past and not just once. Did I learn anything from it on myself, absolutely not, just what I had always known. I am investigating local support networks but miraculously I have found what I've needed for myself in my metamour. ;)

With the help of her, our ability to be open with each other and communicating our wants/needs for time with bassman, (now he feels like a piece of "meat" he said smiling) we're trying to eliminate those options of speaking a lie (at least in regards to being honest with me) - wanting to not face a consequence of a behavior - he's getting nudges from the two of us, to change himself.

Bassman isn't a bad guy. The lies aren't daily - just have been "major" items and lately stupid choices. Ultimately he's learning to respect himself and be more at peace with his NRE and how our lives have changed in the last 10 months.

I can only work on myself, feeling more love towards my own self mainly, and let that change and joy within affect the rest of my world outwards.
 
This thread made me think about the possibility of getting back together with Salamander (also a liar) and I did what I always do, I started looking for information, and found lots and lots of articles that have been really helpful for me. And they might be helpful to him too, but I'm not sure if he's interested or if I feel like doing his work for him…

But I thought I'd share some links here:
http://sfhelp.org/relate/keys/honesty.htm I haven't read or wathed everything on that site, but I definitely will!
http://www.uncommon-knowledge.co.uk/articles/uncommon-hypnosis/how-well-do-you-know-yourself.html
And some stories from ex-liars.
http://learntoduck.net/brutal-honesty
http://www.addictscience.com/learning-to-be-honest/
 
This thread made me think about the possibility of getting back together with Salamander (also a liar) and I did what I always do, I started looking for information, and found lots and lots of articles that have been really helpful for me. And they might be helpful to him too, but I'm not sure if he's interested or if I feel like doing his work for him…

But I thought I'd share some links here:
http://sfhelp.org/relate/keys/honesty.htm I haven't read or wathed everything on that site, but I definitely will!
http://www.uncommon-knowledge.co.uk/articles/uncommon-hypnosis/how-well-do-you-know-yourself.html
And some stories from ex-liars.
http://learntoduck.net/brutal-honesty
http://www.addictscience.com/learning-to-be-honest/

Thank you copperhead - bassman is reading this thread but has agreed to not be angry with me on it. Acceptance is key for both of us to move forward. If he does read this thread again, fingers crossed he'll look at the links you provided. As you said "I can't do the work for him" but I can be open to communication and allow free flow conversations.
 
That's what happens when we choose the wrong man

I'm so sorry you have faced this situation.It hearts reading it, I can't imagine how painful it is for you. In your shoes I wouldn't continue the relationship, it's terrible to be treated like that being a mother of his children.Every woman is strong enough to be independent. Yeah, I know you have kids and work, and it will be really difficult to put all things together but remember - you must be happy first. If mom is happy then children are happy too.
I was also cheated. It happened while we were getting ready for our marriage.I suspected that things were wrong when started spending too much time ""with his friends"".I tried to know some info in his messengers but he put a passcode to his phone which was really weird.I didn't want to ask him about it cause I was scared, we had our marriage soon. Then I read hundreds of articles how to hack his phone and to read messages. Maybe it will also help the girls who read this and have the same situation. When I saw some of his messages in Snapchat I understood everything and showed it to him. My ex didn't even resist.He announced to me that he suddenly understood he was poliamorist and he'd like the other woman also join our future family.Sure thing I couldn't bare such a disgusting attitude to me and moved to my friend right after out talk. And now it hurts not even of his cheating but of his cold face looking on me and saying it with a calm voice.
 
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Then I read hundreds of articles how to hack his phone and to read messages.

This is not ok, by any vulgar stretch of the imagination.
 
I'm so sorry you have faced this situation.It hearts reading it, I can't imagine how painful it is for you. In your shoes I wouldn't continue the relationship, it's terrible to be treated like that being a mother of his children.Every woman is strong enough to be independent. Yeah, I know you have kids and work, and it will be really difficult to put all things together but remember - you must be happy first. If mom is happy then children are happy too.
I was also cheated. It happened while we were getting ready for our marriage.I suspected that things were wrong when started spending too much time ""with his friends"".I tried to know some info in his messengers but he put a passcode to his phone which was really weird.I didn't want to ask him about it cause I was scared, we had our marriage soon. Then I read hundreds of articles how to hack his phone and to read messages. Maybe it will also help the girls who read this and have the same situation. When I saw some of his messages in Snapchat I understood everything and showed it to him. My ex didn't even resist.He announced to me that he suddenly understood he was poliamorist and he'd like the other woman also join our future family.Sure thing I couldn't bare such a disgusting attitude to me and moved to my friend right after out talk. And now it hurts not even of his cheating but of his cold face looking on me and saying it with a calm voice.

Hi. Did you notice this thread is 6 years old? I'm not even sure if the OP comes here anymore.
 
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