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Old 09-11-2011, 04:30 AM
polycouple polycouple is offline
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: CT/RI area
Posts: 55

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Why is a secondary left alone? Why wouldn't the two other people be taking care of the third as well as each other?

It sounds like you defer to them as a couple, as if they are in charge -- but you're in the relationship, too! Why not reach out to them? Also, are you seeing anyone else? Maybe you need to go out on some dates when they're not available.
I have tried to reach out and I am not getting the results I feel I need to feel better. I can't figure out if I am not communicating clearly, or if they are just being really emotionally dense/insensitive. I have been telling them a lot lately about how lonely I feel now that they've moved away and I see them so infrequently compared to how it was. Last night they both feel asleep when we had planned to get together and I hadn't seen them in two days. Finally, at 10 he texted to let me know they fell asleep and that he was sorry, but said he was going to go back to sleep. I told him I felt ignored and he apologized and said they were up until 4:30 working on homework.

Then the next morning she texted to apologize and I let her know right away that I felt neglected, that I understood they were busy, but it was making me feel so lonely to be so far from them and have such sparse communication, because I miss the closeness we used to share.
She didn't get back to me for 6 hours! Meanwhile I asked both of them if they wanted to do dinner tonight. They both knew I had a big program today that I have been coordinating for months, neither of them texted to see how it went. I ended up texting both of them when I was done to ask again if they were interested in dinner. That was at 4pm. By 5 I let them know that I was eating without them because I hadn't heard from them.

I feel like I have lost a relationship that meant so much to me, and they don't even seem to care. I feel like I was just a fun thing to occupy their time while I was their neighbor. They were so attentive and loving, caring and proactive about wanting to see me. Now everything has changed.

finally they asked if I wanted to come over and do some work. When I got there I was coolly received. I thought I might get some comfort, some kind words, some reassurances, but no. I just got quick hugs and a hello.

your right, I defer to them. I don't think they are ready to treat me the way I need to be treated. I think I might have to get out of this relationship, but the thought of doing that makes me so sad. I really opened myself up to them, let myself fall deeply in love thinking that they would continue to take care of me the way they did for the first 7 months.

I have been trying to date but I just yearn for their attention while I am out with others, and I get envious that they are together living their lives leaving me out...I don't know how to overcome that.

Sorry, I just needed to vent that. I am really overwhelmed with emotions today.
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anxiety, boundaries, children, children and polyamory, co-dependence, co-dependency, communication, compromise, coupledom, dependancy, divorce, excuses, expectations, feeling ignored, foundations, introduction, justifications, lessons, limerence, long distance, mono / poly, mono/poly, new relationship energy, new to polamory, new to polyamory, nre, nre overflow, nre timescale, responsibilities, romantacies, secondaries, secondary, secondary feelings, separation anxiety, vee

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