I'm the 'other woman'

This perception of status .....being "the other woman" does that extend beyond the inside of your head? Being treated that way or sneaky around in the shadows may influence or fuel this competitive stuff.
 
Hi Papergrace. Yes, we have been focusing on other things. It's probably why we have lasted as long as we have. Sex is sex and although wonderful, it's not sustainable to carry a relationship based on that aspect alone. We do have a wonderful time together, share many interests, laugh and love alot. It's just hard to have faith in that when we only spend one evening/overnight together a week.

Actually, I did tell him this morning that I do need some reaffirmation in between our time together and he says he will try. And I know he will. He does love me. :)

And no...there doesn't have to be just One. I'm okay with two, just fear sometimes that his SO might think otherwise at some point. :rolleyes:
 
Dingedheart - yes and no. I initially wrote that thread several months ago. Since then, some things have changed, we have communicated more and resolved quite a bit.

He doesn't treat me that way, no. But I am a secret from the majority of those that they socialize with. His parents and brother know about me, as do some close friends, but I am excluded from alot because of our secret. His reasons are valid, fear of judgement of all 3 of us, him for "cheating" on his sick spouse, her for being too weak minded to put a stop to it and me as a "homewrecker" piece of trash..... We know that none of these things are true but others are not always so understanding and accepting.

So, yes, when I'm excluded, it does extend outside my head.

Doesn't help either when he tells me that quite often he would rather just be with me and his family supports that. They just want him to be happy and he wasn't happy for a very long time until we met.
 
Thanks Newtoday,

Personally I think you need to check out your 'status' with him; would he value/defend/sustain your relationship if his wife does open sexually with him again. I'm not suggesting he wouldn't but I think you are wise to be unsure, and quite possibly he/you won't know until it actually happens. I suppose really I'd just advise you to be aware of the possibility and that you could find yourself frozen out. A lot depends on the strength of both your emotional tie with him and their commitment as a couple to polyamorous principles (as opposed to expediency)

"Several years later... she flinches if he tries to touch her." There are obviously powerful unresolved issues, pain and frustration going on between them as well as a powerful connection.

On the theoretical level I do think it's unrealistic to see sexual love as beyond jealousy or competition. That smacks of 60's luv'n'peace naievity. All of us, mono poly or whatever, have the contradictions of both love and hate in our make up. We want: to belong and be separate; to possess and be free; to be secure and dangerous. It will serve us to recognize and accept these contradictions, in ourselves and our loved ones. Sexuality can be wild and ruthless. That's what makes it exciting! And what makes it fraught with emotional dangers!

Talk to him, talk to his wife, talk to your friends. Recognize that any and all of you could be hurt or could hurt each other and, ideally, create a respectful friendship that will transcend it. And enjoy it all!!! X
 
P.S. I don't feel as confident/expert as I might sound! just read your last posts and it sounds like you're doing great-good luck
 
Nicraq, believe me, he and I have been around this topic more than once.

He assures me that if they did manage to get that part of their relationship back, it wouldn't change what he and I have. He assures me that they started down this path while they still had an active physical relationship, but 3 years ago, that stopped. He continued without her, but with her blessing.

The great thing about our relationship is that he does encourage me to tell him if something is upsetting or bothering me, and he will and DOES help me work through it. We can talk about anything... unless it's her passive-agressiveness towards me, that's off limits, he gets too defensive. In his eyes, she's perfect, sick, sweet, angelic, do no wrong. I won't make him defend that even though I know that nobody is that perfect. :)

Thank you for your thoughts!! I really valued your input!
 
Speaking as a man it sounds like you have a great thing going, and I get his 'compartmentalising' (i.e. together once a week and not much communication between/ keeping her passive aggression off limits) not sure whether it's 'healthy' but very understandable and if you're ok with it then I'd leave well alone!

Back to your original question; yes you are vulnerable but my guess is that he really deeply appreciates what he has uniquely with you and that won't be lost if he gets back the sex life he wants with his wife (it is only my guess though). As to your feelings of jealousy I do think, ultimately, they are something you'd have to deal with carefully and respectfully of their relationship (hope that doesn't sound unsympathetic?)
 
Nicraq, I agree. We do have a good thing. But he does want me to tell him when I'm confused, troubled, rather than bottle it up inside. So I will, carefully.

I would never put him in a position to defend her, I will always be respectful. I just hope that she offers me the same courtesy. And if not, that he is just as defensive of me. He does love me, of that I am sure.

You dont sound unsympathetic at all, just honest and I appreciate it alot!
 
Not sure how being the secret other woman can be viewed as a "good thing going" for both parties. For him it's great. He gets to have his full time relationship with his wife....doesn't have to feel the guilt and shame of dumping her once she got sick. Maybe the nurse/caregiver role helped him and his wife with any guilt he might of had in starting such relationships. In the beginning it was biological needs being satisfied. He got 75-90% of his relationship needs met from wife and got the 10-25% physical/sex piece from others. Now that love has entered the picture all those numbers have shifted and the lines have gotten blurred a little but there's still a split.

Conversely, newtoday, has once a week face time interactions and limited intra week contact....and other women secret status with friends and relatives. Seems unbalanced to me. What's the % missing for her 40-70%??? 10-15%???


Everyone in this is really mono and is participating in poly by forced circumstance.
 
Dingedheart, thank you for being my advocate here. What you stated do reflect my frustrations.

It is very unbalanced, which he does acknowledge.

Reading other threads on here, there is such a wide variation in the amount of time that people spend with the "secondaries". Some are long distance, others have busy lives, I don't know what's the norm. Really, there is no norm as long as both feel fulfilled in their needs.

Most of the time, once a week is not enough for me. Considering they live just 20 minutes away, I don't understand why he won't make more time.

I'm seeing him this weekend, I'm going to approach the subject again. I can't bottle it all inside, or I will end up leaving because it's too hard to sustain.


I am new to poly. And am very open to sharing him with his SO. I have been since day 1. I, too, agree that not all your needs can be met by one person. I tried that for many years with the same man. It didn't work. They opened their relationship before she got ill, when their intimacy pretty much died. She got sick a couple of years later. He would definitely feel guilt and shame if he left her, yes, but they started down this path long before she got ill. I just don't know that she was expecting him to fall in love, despite the fact that she (supposedly) believes in Poly. Given that, and her illness, could be the reason for this newfound passive-aggressiveness. I'm stubborn though, and keep trying to make this work for all of us. :)
 
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It sounds like her vision of poly or " open relationship" is him having is biological urges satisfied so she didn't have to. Sending him off to weekly hookers would have been fine. ? Right. Did she have other lovers in the new opening up phase?

If you agree that all your needs can't be met by one person then why haven't you sought out the person or people to feel complete? What are you waiting for?

How much contact do you have with the wife where this passive aggressive comes into play? Is your weekly time with him always on there turf?
 
He had a number of very casual ladies. None that he was too emotionally attached to, until me.

She did have someone else who she cared for deeply, but he moved away. Occasionally she goes to visit him.

My weekly time with him is always alone, without her. We do go out and do fun things together and he stays overnight, we have breakfast in the morning. The timing problem is that I work during the day, he typically works at night. So when he's not working, it's tough to be away from home too often.

She was fine with me, polite, friendly, and still is. The Passive-aggressiveness was apparant when the 3 of us vacationed together recently. It came across loud and clear to me. It went over his head. :rolleyes: I do think that it's because, for the first time, she saw how much I reallly meant to him, that I wasn't like the others. That's when I asked if she knew that he was in love with me. He said he hadn't said those words, but she would know that based on the length of time we have been together, the overnights (which he's never done before) and the fact that he invited me along on their vacation; a vacation in which he and I shared the bed the entire time while she slept alone.

I believe that it might have thrown her off with the depth of feelings between him and I. And the silent hissing began.

You ask what I'm waiting for? I'm trying to compromise. I have something really special with him that I don't want to lose. Our relationship has evolved so much in the past year and I know it will continue to evolve. He's asked me to have patience and we will work through it. And if at some point I lose hope that I will ever be satisified, then I will move on. Otherwise, it's too special to give up. We have something rare and precious.

That might make me sound pathetic....but it's what feels right for me.
 
If I went on a vacation with my life partner and they spent the whole time sleeping with their other partner and leaving me alone in a separate bed I might get passive aggressive too! Even without sex, falling asleep together can feel wonderful. If there a reason she didn't get to share his nights on the trip?

Do you know if she even wanted you along on the vacation, or was that all his idea? If it was something that was supposed to be a special get away for the two of them and suddenly he announces that you're coming too and now her special escape with him is a group adventure instead... again, I can see why she might be pissed.
 
a vacation in which he and I shared the bed the entire time while she slept alone.

This might be the issue with the passive-aggressive behavior. I imagine that she felt pushed aside and abandoned while on vacation. Even if this arrangement was her idea, sometimes we don't know how we are going to feel once we are actually in that situation. You guys may just need to talk about it more next time and find a better arrangement that allows each of you to feel special.
 
And by the way, no, it doesn't make you sound pathetic at ALL to consider your love rare and precious... that's a beautiful thing! It would be pathetic if you didn't even like him that much and were just going along with it because you didn't think you could do better. Don't ever be ashamed that you think your love is special, that's the right way to feel. Especially when you also have the self-esteem to still say you'll walk away if it turns out you can't get your needs met! You are strong.
 
So did her relationship with that other guy have a sexual component?

How was the whole vacation situation sold to you? or rather how were you invited? What was your initial reaction? Did the 3 of you have conversations about it.

How did the sleeping arrangements get decided? Did you have separate rooms?

What I meant is ...if you believe that all your need cant be met by any one person and under your current dynamic why wouldn't you want to find someone to supplement the vast downtime. He's been poly for along time he clearly gets it. So why the either or attitude. Why should you have to give up anything ...I was talking adding.

The lesson learned is not making everyone special but never do joint vacations ...not worth the trouble ...my guess anyway
 
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A shared vacation? Yikes. I'd be expecting problems and try to head them off.

I don't think my metamour would be at all willing to let her husband sleep with me every night and I would probably push him to sleep with her at least half the time. At the VERY least I'd talk to her about what she thought that she needed, and let her know that if she changed her mind and was uncomfortable to please let me know. I'd also tell her that her bluntness was welcome, and that I trusted her to TELL me if she had a problem....

But, honestly? I don't foresee a joint vacation in our future. Maybe several years down the line? Maybe? As well as we get along(we get along fine!), that still seems like a distant possibility, something along the lines of winning the lottery.
 
Yikes! Lol! That caused some stir.

He invited me to come along. They were going for 5 weeks, he asked if I could get away for a couple of those. I asked if she was ok with that and he said she was very much ok with it. Because of her illness, she's no longer active, tires easily and knew he would be bored and she recognizes he and I have similar interests so we could keep each other company.

How we arranged the sleeping arrangements? The house we had had 2 bedrooms, one with a double bed, the other with a single bed. She insisted on that room. Insisted. I felt bad and pushed back for them to share the room, she flat out refused. It was as if she seized the opportunity to NOT sleep with him. I know that hurt him. I did offer, several times to switch rooms with her but she continued to refuse. I insisted he go be with her to sleep but he refused, he wanted to stay with me. Made me feel awkward.

So I don't understand why she would or should be pissed at me.

I left after 2 weeks. She did, I assume, move to that bedroom with him. But they were not intimate.

D , yes, her relationship with the other guy did have a sexual component , yet she still didn't want that with our guy. I know that hurts him. It is a level of rejection.
 
I don't know what your relationship with your metamour is like but it seems like it's gotten to a point where there needs to be more communication between you and her separate from your S/O, as well as communication between the three of you. For me personally the whole relaying what she says from him to you makes it harder for either of you to feel comfortable.

His wife might feel tense about the connection you two have, except she hasn't exactly voiced her discomfort. It has just become apparent physically.

I wonder when he is going to sit down with her and hash this whole thing out. I don't think she's necessarily against you; she might feel that you're in the way though, since there's a lot they need to work through as a couple.
 
5 weeks ...I see why he invited you. And I didn't automatically think you displaced her from a particular bed. I actually thought it was possible that her health condition made that her preference be it home or on vacation.

Sounds to me like some event trigger the ending of intimacy and the opening of their marriage. She fell in love with another guy, he cheated on her with her sister...he got drunk and hit her ....something..<<(wild examples ) But worth a look.

Lets say then her feeling shifted towards roommate, business partner but because she/they don't want to trash the family or lose the house and life they come up with this plan. He's free to seek out other women because she didn't care ....she doesn't see him that way anymore. Then she got sick ...and then he was the one taking care of her. If this wild speculation was even partly true the complex set of emotions she'd have ...love, admiration, guilt, shame, etc. etc. The illness has jammed everything up on both sides.


Is there a dominate partner in their relationship....Who calls the shots? Or who did before the illness if that applies ?
 
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