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  #1  
Old 05-23-2020, 12:59 PM
inescarvalho inescarvalho is offline
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Join Date: May 2020
Location: Berlin
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Default New to polyamory

Hello everyone,
I just made my registration today. I joined in because me and my longterm partner have been opening up our relationship and it isn't going very well for me so far. I still get very confused and it has been quite a painful journey. It has lead me to question the entire relationship and if I really want to be with this person at all, even though I love them so much. It gets very heavy for me. I don't know how to deal with this and what I need is good advice. Because I sure don't feel monogamous but I am also failing to accept free love. I do accept it in theory, but when it comes to the little details of the everyday I just can't deal with it. My life is already very intense and it hasn't been a bed of roses for the past 2 years or so. I guess it only made it a lot harder that otherwise it would have been.

That being said, I'd like to ask you for some good beginners advice and more importantly: your insights on how to deal with jealousy and insecurity, because those have led me to being unable to be with anyone else other than my partner, for I don't want to bring that kind of toxicity into a new relatioship.

Thank you for your time,
Wishing you all a great weekend

InÍs
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  #2  
Old 05-24-2020, 07:40 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hello inescarvalho,
Here are some links that may help you:
My advice to you is to sit down with your longterm partner, and have a talk with them about the difficulties you're experiencing. Communication and transparency are extremely important in poly; when you are feeling upset, do not try to bottle it in. As for the jealousy and insecurity, try to peel back the layers and examine what's at the root of your jealousy. Then come back here and discuss. You may want to post in Poly Relationships Corner, as that is where people normally go here to get advice. Try to describe your situation more in detail, so that we know exactly what is upsetting you. Then we can give you more detailed advice.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #3  
Old 05-26-2020, 12:05 PM
inescarvalho inescarvalho is offline
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Join Date: May 2020
Location: Berlin
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Default Thank you!

Hi Kevin,
Thank you so much for your reply. I already read some of the links you sent me and they're really helping me. I'm also having a great time reading "The Ethical Slut" lately. I've been figuring out a lot about myself and I'm both scared and excited about this process. I'm starting to embrace it. One of the things I realized through the reading material you provided was that maybe the fact that I'm (apparently) so jealous is why I wondered that maybe polyamory wasn't for me after all.

Once again, I can't thank you guys enough, this is really helping me get back on track. I'll stay in touch.

Have a nice week,
InÍs
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  #4  
Old 05-26-2020, 12:41 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I reported your post to a mod to move it to the Relationships section, where we normally post asking for help and advice. But they seem to have overlooked this. You can report your own post by clicking the red ! in the upper right corner of your post. You'll get more attention in that section.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 64)
Pixi (poly, F, 42) my partner since January 2009, cohabiting
"Maestro" (mono, M, 38), Pixi's bf since April 2013, co-primary
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  #5  
Old 05-26-2020, 06:41 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi InÍs,

The Ethical Slut is a great book, I also recommend Opening Up, also the More than Two site has lots of helpful information. I think jealousy is one of the most common problems in poly, it can really mess up your psyche and make you think things that are, well, not even really you, if that makes sense? I'm sure you will get yours worked out, just don't rule out the possibility that there might be real reasons to be jealous, like if you are being treated unfairly. I don't know your situation well enough to know if that's not the case. Keep reading and posting here, Polyamory.com is a great place to learn more about poly and get advice.

With best wishes to you!
Regards,
Kevin T.
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  #6  
Old 05-27-2020, 01:44 PM
inescarvalho inescarvalho is offline
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Join Date: May 2020
Location: Berlin
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Default Moving forward

Hi Kevin,
I've been making the conscious effort of reaching out for helpful information, of communicating honestly with everyone involved including myself and of understanding what it is that i need to work on. And it's so reassuring because the more I work on this the more I realize how beautiful my relationship with B. actually is.

"I think jealousy is one of the most common problems in poly, it can really mess up your psyche and make you think things that are, well, not even really you, if that makes sense?"

It makes total sense! That was so happening.

I'm sure you will get yours worked out, just don't rule out the possibility that there might be real reasons to be jealous, like if you are being treated unfairly. I don't know your situation well enough to know if that's not the case.

I don't think I'm being treated unfairly. I have felt that and I'm probably still getting over it but that was a while ago and it was just because neither of us knew what we were doing. I'll keep an eye on it though, thanks for such good advice.

Have a nice day,
inÍs
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  #7  
Old 05-29-2020, 12:03 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi InÍs,

I'm glad to hear that B is treating you fairly, maybe you are just having some jealous feelings that are leftover from past experiences. Don't put yourself under pressure, just observe the feelings, and let your emotional system process them naturally. And of course, keep posting here on the forum! Good luck.

With much regards,
Kevin T.
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