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Old 10-09-2017, 07:39 PM
ThreesACrowd ThreesACrowd is offline
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Question Z turned V, need advice for dynamics

Hey folks, 24f here on the end of a V. I'm asking for advice, red flag spotting, and proactive steps I can take to help our polycule stay strong and healthy.

My N turned into a V about a month ago when my ex bf and I broke up. He and I had been together for over 4 yrs. I'm still with my gf of 6 months, who has and lives with a bf of almost 4yrs. Id essentially been living between those two home for months until my bf and I ended. Since then, I moved fully into the apt with my gf and meta.

Several things in addition to us living together has happened. My relationship with my meta has turned sexual and we share affection (cuddling, etc). It's otherwise very clear that neither he and I are in a relationship. I specifically do not want a relationship with him because I've finally accepted that my sexuality is not compatible with having a boyfriend (hence my break up a month ago).

We all communicate. However my gf and meta seem to be having communication issues here and there. They both vent to me in ways and to different degrees. I don't transfer messages, and I don't discuss things that were told to me in confidence. I just sorta listen, give communication tips (like, "try prefacing your walls of emotions with your objective so gf understands what you want from her"), hugs, reassurances ("she does love you. I can see it every time you come home and her eyes light up"), etc. I hope this isn't crossing the line, I know it's not my relationship, but I want to see them strong and it's so easy to slip into bestfriend mode with my Gf and I enjoy being able to make a positive different to my meta.

Another thing I'm hoping won't be a problem is that I'm basically the main person having sex with both. Even tho I'm only dating one of them, seems like I'm the hinge when it comes to sex. Nowadays the only time they have sex with each other is when we all are involved. To their defense, their sexual life wasn't super existent before I came around. I also have the highest libido of anyone ever, so it kinda takes both of them. I have regular check ins with my gf and she continues to assure me that she's cool with my sexual relationship with the meta. Both the meta and I put our separate relationships with the gf well above any priority for our sexual relationship.

I'm asking for advice because I've read all the unicorn sites, the secondary bill of rights, etc, and very little of it really helps in my case because either the underlying dynamic doesn't exist here or our polycule has already addressed the issue. We don't use prescriptive hierarchy, but in descprtive terminology, we are both primaries to the Gf. We're all free to date outside the relationship. The gf and meta will get married, and I have never been excited to marry. We will all co-parent, and they understand that I'm not set on having my meta father my children. We plan on living together long term. They understand what couples privileges I have pointed out, usually regarding being open and out (but we are all now mostly open). They want to bring me along family/holiday trips, and in all ways want to integrate my relationship with gf into their lives.

Am I missing something?
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Old 10-10-2017, 11:48 PM
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Hi ThreesACrowd,

Honestly, as long as you're happy with the current arrangement, I don't see a problem. It's what works for you. Keep the communication going, that's always good advice. And I'll add that I hope you'll return often to this forum and post updates on your situation. Which will help me (and other members) think of updated feedback and advice for you. For now I get the impression that things are fine, so, as the old saying goes, if it ain't broke don't fix it.

Unless there's anything I'm missing? Is there anything you're not happy about? Are both of your V companions also happy?

I hope this helps a little.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 10-11-2017, 02:57 AM
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Foremost, neither of them really should be using you as a "sounding board" for their gripes about the other. If you don't put your foot down, it's unlikely to improve.

But I got lost in the turns here:
Quote:
Originally Posted by ThreesACrowd View Post
My relationship with my meta has turned sexual and we share affection (cuddling, etc). It's otherwise very clear that neither he and I are in a relationship. I specifically do not want a relationship with him because I've finally accepted that my sexuality is not compatible with having a boyfriend (hence my break up a month ago).
So... you have sex with him... though you're not into guys anymore... but you're not in a relationship with him... but you're living with him in a vee...?

If you're living together, you might have a relationship.

If you're living with a common lover, most people would say you probably have a relationship.

If you're making longterm plans to raise children together & meet his family, you definitely have a relationship.

But IME, there's relationships, then there's relationships. You could be said to have "a relationship" with each of the co-workers you interact with on a regular basis.

If you mean some sort of deep & abiding interpersonal connection, those need to be tested by time & experience. I don't consider a "life partner" type of relationship to be real until the people involved have faced crises together & worked their way through as a team.
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Old 10-11-2017, 08:10 PM
ThreesACrowd ThreesACrowd is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Hi ThreesACrowd,

Honestly, as long as you're happy with the current arrangement, I don't see a problem. It's what works for you. Keep the communication going, that's always good advice. And I'll add that I hope you'll return often to this forum and post updates on your situation. Which will help me (and other members) think of updated feedback and advice for you. For now I get the impression that things are fine, so, as the old saying goes, if it ain't broke don't fix it.

Unless there's anything I'm missing? Is there anything you're not happy about? Are both of your V companions also happy?

I hope this helps a little.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Thanks for the response! Yea things are pretty good, I just didn't want to overlook anything.

The only time there is a problem is when my meta starts to feel unloved and like our gf is just with him out of comfort. This usually comes up when he's feeling depressed for unrelated reasons. When this happens there's usually a break down in communication and my gf loses patience and gets upset and my meta doesn't know how to present his issues or know exactly what to ask for. Then for days afterwards, she is less attracted to him because of the emotional conversations abot irrational fears, and then they display less affection and she gives me a lot of that attention. It makes me sad. It's also awkward.
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Old 10-11-2017, 08:17 PM
ThreesACrowd ThreesACrowd is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ravenscroft View Post
Foremost, neither of them really should be using you as a "sounding board" for their gripes about the other. If you don't put your foot down, it's unlikely to improve.

But I got lost in the turns here:

So... you have sex with him... though you're not into guys anymore... but you're not in a relationship with him... but you're living with him in a vee...?

If you're living together, you might have a relationship.

If you're living with a common lover, most people would say you probably have a relationship.

If you're making longterm plans to raise children together & meet his family, you definitely have a relationship.

But IME, there's relationships, then there's relationships. You could be said to have "a relationship" with each of the co-workers you interact with on a regular basis.

If you mean some sort of deep & abiding interpersonal connection, those need to be tested by time & experience. I don't consider a "life partner" type of relationship to be real until the people involved have faced crises together & worked their way through as a team.

Do you think it's really bad if they keep talking to me? I can logically see how it could implode, but it doesn't feel bad doing it. As long as I keel a certain distance it seems okay. I'm a best friend to my gf and tend to wear that hat a lot and certainly when needed. I'm really good at compartmentalizing.

And yes, I really hate that "relationship" is such a general yet specific word. We have a relationship in the sense that we're two human beings with a connection of some sort. We're not in a relationship where calling him "boyfriend" would be accurate. We do live together, will raise kids together, and will be in a long term relationship with the same girl.

I hesitate calling us a triad because I've gotten a lot of pushback against using that term if my meta is not my bf. I think we operate a lot like a triad, but my relationship with my gf takes total precedent over my sexual relationship with my meta. If my gf and I were to break up, it's unlikely that the meta and I would continue a friendship (maybe). I'm homoflexible, but not so flexible that I am successfully date a guy. I'm sure it doesn't make sense because even I barely understand it.
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Old 10-11-2017, 10:33 PM
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It sounds like your meta is in need of therapy. Possibly meds. What triggers his depressions?
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Old 10-11-2017, 11:02 PM
ThreesACrowd ThreesACrowd is offline
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He experiences short bouts of depression. When his wrist starts hurting it triggers it. He starts feeling bad about himself, his life, and his thoughts spiral him into a depression. Working his job has caused him wrist injury from using the keyboard, and since that is an issue related to his livelihood, I can totally see how this is a trigger for him.

I've brought up therapy, as I'm a participant and strong advocate, but he feels he can work out his issues himself and that his life isn't bad enough. (I know. That's not how needing therapy works.)
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Old 10-11-2017, 11:40 PM
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Reminds me of Sons of Anarchy, the parts where Clay Morrow's hands would ache badly, but he just had to deal with it because he couldn't continue as president of the club if he couldn't ride his motorcycle.

Your meta may be in need of medical treatment for his wrist. Possibly he can get shots for it. In the meantime, his depression is causing real and serious problems in the relationships. That's "bad enough" to seek therapy. However, therapy won't help him unless he seeks it voluntarily. You can't make him do it. Thus, this is a relationship problem that is largely out of your hands.

You can, of course, act as an amateur psychologist, since he will not seek a professional one. You can ask him probing questions about his thought processes while he is depressed. For instance, what gives him the impression that he is unloved?
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Old 10-12-2017, 12:07 AM
ThreesACrowd ThreesACrowd is offline
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With the appropriate safe guards, is it really so bad if they talk to me about those things? I'm really good at compartmentalizing and I'm my gf's bestfriend, and literally wear different "hats" at different times with her. I definitely see the risk, which is why I keep at a certain distance and why I don't share information or use information gained to leverage or induce a conversation with the other.

So. There are different type of relationships, and I hate that such a general word is mostly used for a very specific type of itself. Anyway, I have a relationship with my meta at the very least because we are two beings with a connection. But I'm not in a relationship with him in a way where it would make sense to call him boyfriend. Both he and I are long term partners to our gf, live together, and intend to raise kids together. My kids will likely call him some version of dad, but he is not my man, my boyfriend, my partner, or spouse. He is my meta, my friend. And we have a FWB relationship, so arguably a lover of mine. I'm homoflexible, but my flexibility doesn't extend to having boyfriends. If it doesn't make sense I understand.
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Old 10-12-2017, 12:19 AM
ThreesACrowd ThreesACrowd is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Reminds me of Sons of Anarchy, the parts where Clay Morrow's hands would ache badly, but he just had to deal with it because he couldn't continue as president of the club if he couldn't ride his motorcycle.

Your meta may be in need of medical treatment for his wrist. Possibly he can get shots for it. In the meantime, his depression is causing real and serious problems in the relationships. That's "bad enough" to seek therapy. However, therapy won't help him unless he seeks it voluntarily. You can't make him do it. Thus, this is a relationship problem that is largely out of your hands.

You can, of course, act as an amateur psychologist, since he will not seek a professional one. You can ask him probing questions about his thought processes while he is depressed. For instance, what gives him the impression that he is unloved?
Wow I never thought of it like that. That his depression is so bad that it's affecting his relationship...and that IS bad enough for therapy. I'm sure he hasn't thought of it that way either. When the time is right, I will slip that drop of gold into a convo.

I don't feel compelled to become his amateur psychologist, because that's a lot of responsibility. However I have asked him questions like you're suggesting. He feels like she doesn't love him and is just with him because it's comfortable and familiar. One of the reasons he said this is because she doesn't really make affirmative actions that reflect that she loves him. He also says she doesn't light up when she sees him the way she lights up when she sees me or when she talks about her crushes. He said she doesn't leap to cuddle with him the way she does me. Etc. I have told him things that I observe that makes it obvious to me that she loves him, and that usually helps. Unfortunately I also agree that she doesn't really do many things to outwardly show she loves him beyond saying "I love you" and cuddling with him sometimes. I have suggested him how he could phrase a way to ask her to do more things that show it. Not sure if he asked her yet. I've also been wanting for us to all take love language quizzes and share results.

Honestly my gf is that type of way and I don't think she means it. She's dating two people who love to do anything for her and she's so used to be treated that way and I don't think she's used to having that expectation. I feel compelled to buy her gifts, to do most of what she asks, to provide her desires, to wait on her hand and foot almost, etc. I think it's actually pretty unhealthy of us to be doing, and I would be really appreciative if she did more for me (and the meta). But this is slightly a tangent.
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