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Old 02-09-2017, 09:05 PM
RedQueen RedQueen is offline
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Unhappy Partial Poly Breakup?

This might be complicated because lots of people and relational contexts, but please bear with me and feel free to ask questions for clarification.

I am married to my primary, P. Our relationship is semi-open, that is we both have veto power but we are not monogamous. Outside of our marriage I choose to be a relationship anarchist ("there need not be a formal distinction between sexual, romantic or platonic relationships" ie no labels or commitments). My husband and I live with three friends, K and A and J. K and A are engaged but non-monogamous, J is single. P and I have been intimate with K in the past and I am currently intimate with A. K also has a boyfriend in addition to her fiance, but that's pretty irrelevant.

We have a group of 4 friends who live together. E and K are best friends which is how we all met. F and E have been dating for 4 years, and they are both (somewhat functional) alcholics. B and S have been dating for several months. Both of these couples decided to become non-monogamous within the last few months.

After they opened up there relationship, I cautiously started seeing more of F. Like I said, no labels, but we did start becoming intimate, sleeping together, etc. Problem is, E has been talking about ending things with F for years, and now apparently sees this as an out. She has notoriously poor communication skills, and refuses to go to counseling with him. She also refuses to be the one to break up with him, but in the meantime is treating him terribly, saying hurtful things, giving him the silent treatment, and flirting with other people (pretty much every person in each of our houses except for my husband and I) during their conflicts. It recently got bad enough to the point where he was breaking from heartbreak and ended up moving out. It effected him by him cutting back on his alcohol use, but she has been drinking more and more every night. I'm worried for them both. I'm worried to possibly be caught in the middle, despite everybody involved assuring me I wont be and its not my fault. I'm worried how it looks from the outside. To some degree I know its my fault because I saw red flags from E, but followed my heart to F anyways.

Tensions are high in both houses, while people claim not to pick sides or faults in their breakup, it becomes obvious. My husband and I think E is acting like a child and has issues she is refusing to work through. We are worried about her frequent visits with our roommates causing problems down the line between them as well as between our house and F. K and T have chosen E, they talk and flirt on the phone every night until E passes out from alcohol. B and S both say they think F is being treated unfairly, but because they have to continue living with E and also because they are attracted to her, openly flirt with her in front of F while she gives him the silent treatment.


This whole thing is a mess, and I just want to do damage control without tangling myself up in anything. I hate the thought of F not visiting because the other people here make him uncomfortable. Not to mention we all have to be in K and A's wedding in six months. Any advice? Not on the past but on the present and future? I know where mistakes were made, I just want to know where to go from here.
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Old 02-09-2017, 11:53 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi RedQueen,

You said F moved out; maybe you could limit your visits with F to wherever he's now living? I would be as low-profile about my relationship with F as possible, not talking about it at all if possible except perhaps with P as long as he can refrain from talking about it around others.

I would similarly avoid talking about E except again maybe with P if he can keep quiet about it around other people. In general you have a high-drama situation and my suggestion is reduce how much drama you have to experience as much as possible. This may mean reducing how much contact you have with all of the others (except P). If you can reduce it.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 02-10-2017, 01:57 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am sorry you struggle.

I think you could visit with F wherever F is currently living since he moved out. And invite him over to visit you if he feels comfortable doing so.

You could attend the wedding if this is a wedding you wish to attend.

And during these visits / wedding, you all could behave like adults.

If Eggplant (or others) want to behave foolishly, that's their choice.

It is not your responsibility to be "den mother" or something and make people behave or whatever. The "damages" being done are in layers where you are NOT.
  • You worry about E damaging (K and A) -- well, you are not E, K or A. Let them handle it.
  • You worry about E damaging (K +A's relationship with F) well, you are not E, K, A or F. Let them handle it.
  • K and T flirting with E every night not he phone -- not your business or your problem.
  • B and S flirting with E even though they think E treated F badly -- not your business or your problem

If their behavior makes YOU uncomfortable, you can ask them to please stop doing X behavior in front of you. If they do not? You could put some distance between you and the person that makes you uncomfortable.

You could also consider moving out to be away from the drama houses if this continues to be drama.

That way you are out of the line of fire and don't have to worry about being "caught in the middle" any more.

And you can visit with F at your new home how you please without worry that other people are going to make F feel unwelcome.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-10-2017 at 02:01 AM.
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Old 02-10-2017, 01:59 AM
RedQueen RedQueen is offline
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He's actually moved back in with his parents so its less optimal to hang out there.

Our houses are about 3 hours apart so we often spend weekends at each other's homes instead of driving 6 hours in a day. Our house is optimal hang out because it has extra bed and is bigger since its out of the city. No matter what I say or do, E will be visiting regularly which sucks. Its really difficult for me to get to where they live on my own because its very difficult for me to drive for long periods of time by myself, and everybody here is too busy to come with me.

I really don't want to leave F all alone or make him feel abandoned, its one of his big issues. They share all of their friends, so if people try to avoid him, he'll be pretty isolated which isn't great and could potentially cause more drama :/

And the wedding is between K and A, we are all members of the wedding party so it isn't optional.

Moving out is not an option whatsoever, we're in a lease and this is the only way we can all afford to live in our expensive area as students. Can't really reduce contact with people I'm living with lol.

Last edited by RedQueen; 02-10-2017 at 02:02 AM.
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Old 02-10-2017, 02:05 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
No matter what I say or do, E will be visiting regularly which sucks.
Why does it suck? You are not able to be civil?

Quote:
I really don't want to leave F all alone or make him feel abandoned, its one of his big issues. They share all of their friends, so if people try to avoid him, he'll be pretty isolated which isn't great and could potentially cause more drama :/
Those are his feelings to manage. Not yours. I get that you pity him, but his emotional management is his job. Not yours. If this is about reducing your stress, you could remember that you do not exist to be other people's life raft.

Quote:
And the wedding is between K and A, we are all members of the wedding party so it isn't optional.
It's always optional. I get that it would be disappointing, but sometimes choices are not win or lose. But "This stinks" and "this stinks" -- which one stinks least? If you no longer feel willing and able and dread the idea of being in the wedding part and prefer to attend as a guest or not at all? Bow out NOW so they have more time to find a replacement. Otherwise attend and just behave like an adult.

Quote:
Moving out is not an option whatsoever, we're in a lease and this is the only way we can all afford to live in our expensive area as students.
When is the lease up? You wouldn't consider a new lease with other people at that time? And then in future not date your roomies to avoid this sort of situation from happening again?

Galagirl
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Old 02-10-2017, 02:23 AM
RedQueen RedQueen is offline
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It sucks because I don't like having her around right now, not because I can't be civil. Trust me, I've very nice to her, its just hard watching her do things with my roommates when she hasn't officially ended things with F, its unethical in my eyes.

I don't pity F, I care for him deeply and if it were me I'd not want to be abandoned. Its dangerous to cut people, especially partners, out of your life suddenly especially when they are already dealing with so much.


I think you're misunderstanding my relationship with K and A, they are my roommates and my best friends and sometimes more. I'm fully committed to living with them for the rest of my life. I won't bow out of being the maid of honor. My problem isn't with them, its with the situation and with E being sort of a force of destruction and drama between everybody.
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Old 02-10-2017, 04:27 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Thanks for more details.

Would you feel better if E "officially" ended it with F? Or F ended it with E?

In your ideal situation, what would happen?

Galagirl
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Old 02-10-2017, 06:24 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RedQueen View Post
...
And the wedding is between K and A, we are all members of the wedding party so it isn't optional...
It IS optional - really, although it took me 3 months to see it. I had agreed to be in a wedding for a friend - and then she treated me in such a way that I no longer wanted to be her friend, but she "needed" me to be there for her wedding...so I ended up (after much agonizing) telling her that I couldn't come to her wedding. My life has been MUCH less stressful since then .
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Old 02-10-2017, 11:58 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RedQueen View Post
I don't pity F, I care for him deeply and if it were me I'd not want to be abandoned. Its dangerous to cut people, especially partners, out of your life suddenly especially when they are already dealing with so much.
Why 'dangerous'? Are you afraid of what F will do if he feels abandoned? Will he hurt himself? You? Your roommates? Others? Are you talking more along the lines of emotional danger? What feels dangerous to you about this situation? Where does this strong association of danger come from?
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Old 02-11-2017, 12:55 AM
RedQueen RedQueen is offline
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I do think it would be best if either E officially broke up with F or if she put effort into fixing their relationship.

Dropping out of the wedding is not an option. I live with K and A, I'm in an intimate relationship with them, I love and care for them. Dropping out would be a huge dick move, something that happened with some of my wedding party and I never forgave them. Its a fucked up thing to do, and I'll leave it at that.


The danger comes in many forms, though it could be my PTSD talking. I do think that isolation can drive people to self-harm or commit suicide. I think it can be destructive and at the very least cause a serious episode of depression and potentially long-term abandonment issues. Speaking as somebody in the counseling field, and somebody who has been abandoned, I don't think it is ethical to abandon somebody that way.
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