Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 12-28-2016, 03:40 AM
SoLOverlord SoLOverlord is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Bay Area, California
Posts: 18
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Emm View Post
Nobody is being hurt by your words. They are warning signs; not injurious in themselves to anything except people's perception of you. Even this reply betrays the couple-centric mindset. Are there two of you typing on the same keyboard simultaneously? If not, why are your sentences constructed in the plural?

It's less to do with the phrasing than it is about the unconscious thought processes behind the phrasing, and trying to tidy up the cosmetic problem without addressing the cause will just hide the issue rather than fixing it. Look at why you're approaching this as a monolithic single entity rather than as two individuals and work that out first; the phrasing will follow.
My use of the plural in this case is because both of us (My wife and I) feel we wronged our friend. And together we wish to apologize to her.
I understand that my word choice has been very confusing up to this point. I am really trying to approach this correctly but I know I have a lot to learn and I want to keep my wife involved with the conversation. Everything I have read says to involve my spouse in the conversation. I seem to be giving the wrong impression about myself and what I want.
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 12-28-2016, 03:56 AM
GreenAcres GreenAcres is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Virginia
Posts: 571
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SoLOverlord View Post
My use of the plural in this case is because both of us (My wife and I) feel we wronged our friend. And together we wish to apologize to her.
I understand that my word choice has been very confusing up to this point. I am really trying to approach this correctly but I know I have a lot to learn and I want to keep my wife involved with the conversation. Everything I have read says to involve my spouse in the conversation. I seem to be giving the wrong impression about myself and what I want.
If she wants to be involved in the conversation, she should be involved in the conversation. Right now, she isn't involved in the conversation. You are involved as a unit (at best--at worst is that you are the one choosing how to say things, what things get said, etc., which results in spin no matter how honest you try to be), and that isn't how people relate to one another. This is important in any poly relationship you pursue: do not speak for both of you as a unit. You are individuals. She can create her own account, which would be really helpful in many ways. You two are acting as a unit, and, while you may agree that your timing/wording/whatever was poor, you both would have different points of view and thoughts.
__________________
Bi Female in VA with a passion for outdoor adventure, cooking, reading, health and fitness, and adventure!

Relationship saturated, and not looking for additional partners.
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 12-28-2016, 04:11 AM
SoLOverlord SoLOverlord is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Bay Area, California
Posts: 18
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by GreenAcres View Post
If she wants to be involved in the conversation, she should be involved in the conversation. Right now, she isn't involved in the conversation. You are involved as a unit (at best--at worst is that you are the one choosing how to say things, what things get said, etc., which results in spin no matter how honest you try to be), and that isn't how people relate to one another. This is important in any poly relationship you pursue: do not speak for both of you as a unit. You are individuals. She can create her own account, which would be really helpful in many ways. You two are acting as a unit, and, while you may agree that your timing/wording/whatever was poor, you both would have different points of view and thoughts.
My wife has been sitting beside me for each and every post. I talked with her about what I was posting to keep her involved in the discussion.

Wife here typing: I did not think that I would need to create an account, but if it would help alleviate confusion I can do so. I'm sorry if my actions have led to misunderstandings. It was not my intention to deceive.
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 12-28-2016, 04:17 AM
GreenAcres GreenAcres is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Virginia
Posts: 571
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SoLOverlord View Post
My wife has been sitting beside me for each and every post. I talked with her about what I was posting to keep her involved in the discussion.

Wife here typing: I did not think that I would need to create an account, but if it would help alleviate confusion I can do so. I'm sorry if my actions have led to misunderstandings. It was not my intention to deceive.
Actually, while it's not technically required, it's explicitly asked in the user guidelines that couples do create their own accounts, because it's really important that everyone in the conversation have their own voice. Right now, that isn't happening. It's not about deception, and there's no need to apologize. The point I and other users are making is that you are operating *as a unit.* You are talking everything out and coming to a consensus before you answer...as a unit. This is NOT going to work in a poly relationship, and you need to shake yourselves out of it. You are not a unit. You are two entirely separate people, with voices and thoughts of your own. People do not form relationships with a unit, they form relationships with a person--this is true here, with friends, with family, and definitely with lovers.

You should also look up "couple privilege" and read up on it. It may help explain some things, and give you some things to consider and work on moving forward (whether with Anna or someone else).
__________________
Bi Female in VA with a passion for outdoor adventure, cooking, reading, health and fitness, and adventure!

Relationship saturated, and not looking for additional partners.
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 12-28-2016, 12:48 PM
PollyNymA PollyNymA is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 126
Default

If Anna was interested she would have turned up and not changed her plans at the last minute, Im saying, if she was interested you would have been a higher priority.

Also the majority of your post looks like speculations.

She's leaving state, she says she's always busy. Why continue to pursue her and make her uncomfortable just so you get to express your feelings?
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 12-28-2016, 03:23 PM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,873
Default

If she was into you she would have gotten back to you in a reasonable amount of time.

She is just not interested in a romantic relationship with you. Don't be surprised if she even decides she is uncomfortable being even friends some point soon.
__________________
40 something straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 12-28-2016, 06:59 PM
SparrowsAndThistle SparrowsAndThistle is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 2
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by PollyNymA View Post
Why continue to pursue her and make her uncomfortable just so you get to express your feelings?
I understand that concern. There is no desire to pursue her. I wish to apologize to her because she is a friend, and a human being who deserves an apology.

I am well aware that she may not want or accept the apology. I am well aware that she may not wish to remain friends and may not want to talk to me ever again. I would understand completely and I would not hold it against her. However, I still feel she deserves an apology.

As per the advice of GalaGirl and Kevin T, I am waiting for a while before saying anything, and then what happens, happens.
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 12-28-2016, 07:06 PM
PollyNymA PollyNymA is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 126
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SparrowsAndThistle View Post
I understand that concern. There is no desire to pursue her. I wish to apologize to her because she is a friend, and a human being who deserves an apology.

I am well aware that she may not want or accept the apology. I am well aware that she may not wish to remain friends and may not want to talk to me ever again. I would understand completely and I would not hold it against her. However, I still feel she deserves an apology.

As per the advice of GalaGirl and Kevin T, I am waiting for a while before saying anything, and then what happens, happens.
Y ah that's pretty reasonable, I hope things settle down for you. :-)
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 12-28-2016, 11:50 PM
Emm's Avatar
Emm Emm is offline
Stealth Mod
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,460
Default

I stumbled across this a while ago, and it has a pretty good breakdown of how to construct an apology: Apologies: What, When and How

Exactly what are you planning to apologise for? You'll need to be specific, because "We're sorry we hurt you" with no acknowledgement of what your role was in causing the hurt is a non-apology. Do you even know that she was hurt? She might instead have been embarrassed, annoyed, offended, confused, or just plain pissed off. None of those are "hurt".
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 12-29-2016, 12:01 AM
SoLOverlord SoLOverlord is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Bay Area, California
Posts: 18
Default

Thank you for the link. It should be very helpful.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
advice, confession, first time help

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:20 PM.