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Old 04-18-2018, 02:03 AM
DonnieLD DonnieLD is offline
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Question Any advice for a Poly/Mono relationship welcome

So, while I don't necessarily consider myself poly, see my post on labels, I am certainly open to the possibility. My wife however, has no inclination whatsoever for anything close to that lifestyle.

My wife is an amazing person, very understanding, and has no problem that we all have our own views on life. She is very strict on the matter of relationships, and love, and sees it as being exclusive. She believes there is not a single chance she could ever love someone else to the same extent at which she loves me.

I have discussed this a few times recently, more because it came to light that she would like children and I am currently not able to provide them. From my point of view, it wouldn't be adverse if we were to find an individual who she cared for and we all become a family and etc. etc.... She doesn't see it that way and while I have no problem being her one and only, I do feel I'm not able to live up to her entire vision for her life.

That said, I'm really just looking for any insight from people who have had relationships with someone who was monogamous minded and what struggles they may have run into, advice, etc... I have no intention on leaving her, even if it is her and I until the end of time. I have no intention of 'pushing' any boundaries for fear of pushing a wedge between us, I simply want to ensure I try to avoid any pitfalls I might walk into, or traps that may have been sprung out of a partner's lingering doubt on your commitment to them.

--D
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Old 04-18-2018, 10:49 PM
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Hi DonnieLD,

As far as your wife's decision to be monogamous, it's her decision and she makes that decision knowing that it may cost her the opportunity to have the kids that she wants. She knows the consequences; she makes the call. If she ever wanted to learn more about polyamory there is certainly plenty out there to learn ... including on this forum. But I'm not sure if I would push the matter; it could become annoying to her.

Do you see her often? I know on your intro thread you said that you and she are separated by an ocean.

I hope I can help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 04-18-2018, 11:15 PM
DonnieLD DonnieLD is offline
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Kevin,

I certainly won't press her to change in any way, I have always felt that as partners in a relationship, change is inevitable, but it must be something that occurs naturally and of your own desire. If she only ever wishes to be with me then I will be happy in her choice and we will live our lives to their utmost.

I did mention, and we are separated by an ocean. I retired and was sent back to the states and have yet to find a job that we are happy with and so we are resigned to remain where we are for the time. I only have a little holiday time and am planning to use that shortly and she has visited me here once, and will again in the future, although I'm hoping within the year we will have at least semi-settled.

Neither of us are happy being apart and we just want to be at home where we belong.

--D
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Old 04-19-2018, 12:27 AM
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That's understandable. I take it you were military before you retired, correct me if I'm wrong. If sometime in the future, she decides she wants to learn more about poly, direct her to this forum and/or I can provide other links.
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Old 04-19-2018, 01:08 AM
DonnieLD DonnieLD is offline
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Nope, you are correct, was military for 11 years before I was put out to pasture, for the best of all I think, and now I'm getting adjusted back into the civilian life, simply wishing I was where I belong right now, with my other half. As for if she seeks anything out, I will certainly mention this forum just because in my little time on it, it seems as though at least most are out to help, or vent, and not so many who are targeting the naive or being aggressive towards others.

--D
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Old 04-19-2018, 07:23 AM
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Hi D,

Everyone says that poly/mono relationships are tricky at best. There's a section about it at the More Than Two website that's a good primer.

As a mono (so far?) person whose partner opened up our relationship recently, there were several hurdles. The most crucial one was, to begin with, accepting a poly orientation as a legitimate, core aspect of one's personality and not like a callous self-indulgence. More tricky was to work towards this sort of acceptance without coercion, feeling pressured, and having the threat of separation looming over me if I could not work things out. (There were other difficulties, too, immense ones, but they were more situational.)

You might have to make yourself vulnerable about this. It makes things easier for the other person to accept, rather than if you go about it righteously.

Either way, if you begin this discussion, take it slow, probe each other's thoughts, explore fears, and so on. I don't think everyone can do this. But it's probably worth trying.
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Old 04-19-2018, 11:01 AM
DonnieLD DonnieLD is offline
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Endusal,

I appreciate the insight. Yeah I opened up recently to my other half a bit, I guess you could say, we always discuss, or chat about stuff, especially when I'm away and this aspect of me is something that I just wanted to be sure she understood is something I have come to accept, and it's something I could see helping some things, but overall I'm also happy in what we have now and I have no interest in threatening that relationship so I will certainly try to remain aware of what concerns she may have as I have no desire to loose her for any reason.

Thanks,
--D
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Old 04-19-2018, 12:22 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
She doesn't see it that way and while I have no problem being her one and only, I do feel I'm not able to live up to her entire vision for her life.
Well... isn't that her call? If she's happy enough and SHE thinks it is fine? Why would she have married you if she's not happy with how things are? I don't have my exact vision for my life. What I wanted from my life in my 20s isn't what I'm doing now... but I think it is ok. What I wanted changed and I was willing to give up some ideas in favor of other things.

If your primary need is for her to be open to listening to your poly thoughts and feelings sometimes? It sounds like you do get that here and she's understanding of that. You are able to share that with her and she accepts it as everyone having their own view of life.

Quote:
I'm really just looking for any insight from people who have had relationships with someone who was monogamous minded and what struggles they may have run into, advice, etc... I have no intention on leaving her, even if it is her and I until the end of time. I have no intention of 'pushing' any boundaries for fear of pushing a wedge between us, I simply want to ensure I try to avoid any pitfalls I might walk into, or traps that may have been sprung out of a partner's lingering doubt on your commitment to them.
Well... does she doubt your commitment?

I think you could stop talking about her dating other people. You already mentioned it, she already said she doesn't want to. So that one is "solved" enough for now. Unless she changes her mind and brings it up herself, I think you could let it be.

When I was LDR ages ago, because I'm poly inclined I told my then BF that I'd be ok with it if he wanted to see other people. I saw it as a loving thing. Because LDR is hard, and who am I to deny him the chance to have more love if if he comes across a special person locally? He saw it as an "abandoning" thing and would get REALLY upset. I let it go, but I started to realize we had different thoughts on live and different values and could not make it work. We were initially compatible but not deeply compatible.

Here you seem to have different thoughts on life, but DO share enough common values to make it work. So if your spouse is ok talking about your poly thoughts and feelings? Return the favor. Be ok when she shares her thoughts and feelings.

If she declines the opportunity to see other people? Respect that it is HER choice and these are HER thoughts and feelings about it. Don't go harping on it. Because having an spouse who understands your thoughts and feelings in your context is a precious thing. So try to be understanding of her thoughts and feelings in her context in return. Practice mutuality and respect.

Quote:
... was military for 11 years before I was put out to pasture, for the best of all I think, and now I'm getting adjusted back into the civilian life, simply wishing I was where I belong right now, with my other half
That one seems to be the greater need right now. To finish adjusting and stop being LDR with your wife. I can only imagine how hard that must be -- dealing with being separated.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-19-2018 at 12:54 PM.
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Old 04-19-2018, 12:54 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is online now
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A woman can get a child in other ways than by searching for a 2nd husband to be her baby daddy, as well as become her long term live in lover who has to share a house with her legal husband.

I get the idea you've had a vasectomy and are making stabs at how your wife can have a child... When you first said you can't provide a child, I had read that as "provide for." But I guess you meant, you're shooting blanks.

Less complicated more common ideas for baby-making, of course, are a sperm donation, or adoption, or vasectomy reversal.

It's nice your willing to share your wife, but if she's not interested, that's that. BTW, it's not very poly-minded to call your wife your "other half." In a V, she'd be your "other third."
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Old 04-19-2018, 01:45 PM
DonnieLD DonnieLD is offline
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Mags,

First I have to correct you on a few things. Respectful,you'll probably find very few as respectful as I am, especially toward my wife. Yes I get that adding a third seems like a blunt was to put it, but that's what it would be regardless of the love involved. My Israel for another partner would be far more stringent than simply going and picking someone up. WhatI have done is mention to my wife that I am open to the idea of she would happento find someone, and knowing how selective her soul and heart are it would have to be a special someone.

As for the other half. She is, you can say it's not poly minded but I'm not going to say that my only partner is my other third. If we should find someone in the future who we find is another piece of our family then I have no problem saying third but until that point I refuse to belittle my love formuy other half.

For the other methods, there have been discussions into every feasible methods there is out there and oddly enough her possibly finding another partner to share our lives is one of the most agreeable we have come across.
--D
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