Two monos and a poly walked into a pub...

Huge success. Happy poly coming home from a very good first night with boyfriend, with even more to give and needs to have filled = even happier me.
 
Not to be blunt, but... so she wanted to fuck you when she got home? heh, I always want to fuck my gf after seeing a lover, and she's the same way when she gets home from seeing her bf.

I call her bf my "fluffer." I dont know if youve read Sex at Dawn, but it clearly presents how women's sexuality can work, how they are good for so many more orgasms than a guy is, so can thoroughly enjoy sex with multiple partners in one session.
 
I think the fact that I was calm and accepting of it helped the most. We were both prepared for a multitude of ways I could react to this. And no, she was not needing anything when she came home, they had a good first night with lots of sex, but after we talked a bit, she went to have a bath to soothe her chronic muscle pain. I kept her company, told her how none of my fears hade come true and I literally showed her that I found her more arousing than ever. So we went to bed and had a really good time, for both of us.

She was even so fantastic and safe with this that she made a dingding sound after, and said "Achievement unlocked - fucked two guys in a day", and even emailed her boyfriend that. :) Ah, gotta love a compatible geek. Right now, I feel better about this than I ever did. A huge barrier for me has been crushed, and I've already started working my way up.
 
Heh, the first part of your post made it seem like you 2 didnt have sex, but then you went on to say, after her bath and seeing your erection, she did want to have sex with you. And was even rather thrilled to have achieved a bucket list goal of "double dipping!"

That's all really cool. She's loving you, loving him, then coming back and loving you again. Love all around. That's the poly goal. I am so happy for you 2(3) to have come to this point. Awww! :eek:
 
That's all really cool. She's loving you, loving him, then coming back and loving you again. Love all around. That's the poly goal. I am so happy for you 2(3) to have come to this point. Awww! :eek:

It feels rather good actually, and I feel like a huge burden has been lifted off of me, and I can now focus on growing and learning to accept that her having another relationship doesn't take anything away from me, except some time with her, quite the opposite, it feeds our relationship quite a lot of energy. And I know he will appreciate the email, because he was truly worried that this barrier would break us up. But no, today is seemingly oppositeday. :)
 
Awesome. That is how it works for me too.

I am always saddened and perturbed when I read here something like, the husband will say, my wife has a new BF, they are deep in NRE. She's so into him, she won't fuck me, and if she does, it feels like pity sex, or maintenance sex.

I don't get this. There's always a bit of anxiety during infatuation in a new relationship. "Does he like me as much as I like him? Will I find out something about him that will turn me off? Will he find out something about me he doesnt like, and dump me?" Etc etc.

So, for me, coming home to the established partner, who knows you inside and out and still loves you, it's always so comforting and relieving. And a turn on! So you've got ERI (established relationship intimacy), plus NRE, and it's all so fun and nice.
 
It was very exciting for me that first time I had two trysts in one day. I remember thinking my ex would never believe I was doing that! Also, there was a part of me that felt kinda slutty, yet at the same time it was very empowering because I was acknowledging my desires and took steps to fulfill them. All of this dawned on me afterwards, of course; there was no plan or machinations to make it happen that way. It just did, and being with two lovers, on two separate occasions, in one day, just made me feel like I truly am the one in charge of my own sexuality and sexual expression. So important for women to feel that, especially in this judgmental society. Yay!
 
I am always saddened and perturbed when I read here something like, the husband will say, my wife has a new BF, they are deep in NRE. She's so into him, she won't fuck me, and if she does, it feels like pity sex, or maintenance sex.

Sadly, yes, there are a lot of inconsiderate this-is-who-I-am-deal-with-it kind of people out there, but Vanilla has been nothing but loving, caring and trustworthy in this. She has found her second soulmate, and wants to keep us both. And there was absolutely nothing pitiful or maintenance-like with what we did, quite the opposite, I felt a deeper and stronger connection to her than I have in a very long time.

Nycindie: Well, she's been purring like a kitten all day, so yes, I think she IS empowered. :) And I love it.
 
I like this! It's really useful! Did you see this somewhere else? Or start it yourself?

Jasmine

I made it up myself! I'm a cunning linguist! :p
 
it's the times when they just melt together in NRE, needing to hold each other and just cling. That is what makes me feel replaced

Closetpoly - The way I worked around that with my husband (because our NRE caused him a lot of insecurity and jealousy at first) was to hold back the touchy-feely stuff when we are all together or to try and include him. I try to save the more tender, 'gazing into your soul moments' for times when the bf and I are alone. Things will even out over time so I'm told...
 
Closetpoly - The way I worked around that with my husband (because our NRE caused him a lot of insecurity and jealousy at first) was to hold back the touchy-feely stuff when we are all together or to try and include him. I try to save the more tender, 'gazing into your soul moments' for times when the bf and I are alone. Things will even out over time so I'm told...

Yupp, I'm happy to confirm that I am in a much better place now than I was 2-3 weeks ago. I started this whole elaborate stage 1-6 of intimacy when in a group setting blabla, chucked it all away and ended up with them being good friends around me, a greeting kiss and some time to say goodbye. All good, all easy peasy. We also agreed on a time-schedule, starting when he returns from a 5 week holiday end of august, that I feel comfortable with. Me "giving" them time, as up til now, was just disastrous, as I had no room to react or feel sad. Me and Vanilla are closer than ever, and for the first time in a long long while, I don't feel scared of losing her, I just feel alone and empty when she's gone. Gives me a lot of room to work on what's the real issue, her having an actual secondary relationship. :) Or the real real issue, who am I? :)
 
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... the real real issue, who am I? :)

Glad you're feeling so much better with healthier boundaries in place.

Yes, "who are you?" as the caterpillar asked. Many people lose track of this in a marriage and especially after having kids. It's great to really get reacquainted with that journey. Poly can force you to answer that question... and it's fun to find out! Treat yourself as your own primary, take yourself out on dates, see friends one on one or in groups without your partner, read, work out, watch a movie or TV show you know she wouldn't care for, do engrossing hobbies, volunteer work, etc etc.
 
Yes, "who are you?" as the caterpillar asked. Many people lose track of this in a marriage and especially after having kids. It's great to really get reacquainted with that journey. Poly can force you to answer that question... and it's fun to find out! Treat yourself as your own primary, take yourself out on dates, see friends one on one or in groups without your partner, read, work out, watch a movie or TV show you know she wouldn't care for, do engrossing hobbies, volunteer work, etc etc.

Yeah, I have a few ideas lined up for september, things to try, going out with people etc. It will give me the time I need to deal with her relationship. The beast of jealousy and fear does rear its ugly head quite frequently, but I am aware of it now, and it's quite fascinating to be able to go "heeey, hang on, that's YOU again", and start dealing with it. I'm not always successful, but I am actually aware. If nothing else, I'm feeling better about myself, of what I can do, choices I can make, the love I can share, and the pain I can accept and deal with...
 
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