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  #11  
Old 05-27-2017, 05:00 PM
ElMango ElMango is offline
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Originally Posted by SlowPoly View Post
Boundaries are about you, and are based on your principles. The things you describe here are rules, which are intended to limit partner behavior. Rules are okay if everyone agrees to them and follows them. But they tend to also be problem magnets. So tread carefully in proposing new ones. Maybe back up and think about what you really need in these moments (attention, reassurance from partner? Some kind of re-centering from self?) and ask (self or partner) for specific actions (check-in? Ritual treat?) that will help get your needs met. If partner is all up in the NRE and you propose asymmetric rules, that might feel unfairly constraining to partner.
Thanks! That's actually really helpful. I definitely need to self check in
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  #12  
Old 05-27-2017, 05:23 PM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
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Originally Posted by ElMango View Post
Can you clarify what you mean?

Sadly set date nights don't work due to our partners erratic schedules
I mean that it seems like you are approaching this as if your bf is just something you do to occupy your time when your hubby is busy doing other things. Now hubby has a gf and it encroaches on what you perceive as your couple time. The problem is, your couple time was all his available time and now that has changed.

Since your partners are so erratic with their availability, then you and hubby can have your own schedule and stick to it. That means bf or gf may have to do without on occasion. That's just the way it goes. If they want more they will have to do a little work too.
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  #13  
Old 05-27-2017, 09:47 PM
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Shaya Shaya is offline
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Originally Posted by ElMango View Post
Is it normal for me to have a boundary of just "not when I'm home unless I'm involved"?
Yes. You can request that in your presence, he keep the mobile on silent. If you're at home with him every day for large chunks of hours, you can work a compromise where he gets small time away with his mobile, or one large chunk of time away with his mobile, if you wish. Whatever works for you guys.

My feeling is that your request will be received better if phrased as a request rather than a rule.
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  #14  
Old 05-27-2017, 11:46 PM
ElMango ElMango is offline
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Originally Posted by Shaya View Post
Yes. You can request that in your presence, he keep the mobile on silent. If you're at home with him every day for large chunks of hours, you can work a compromise where he gets small time away with his mobile, or one large chunk of time away with his mobile, if you wish. Whatever works for you guys.

My feeling is that your request will be received better if phrased as a request rather than a rule.
We talked about it and agreed on no date nights at our house when I'm home (like literally in the house) unless it's more of a couple thing for now. Just until we figure out my insecurity and his NRE a bit more and get more comfortable.

I'm also working on developing a friendship with M, so that we can have a really good metamore relationship. Lots of talking helped me realize the more I know people, the less insecure I am about things to do with them.

Them texting isn't an issue when I'm around. I'm used to being around and having text conversations while around other people and having others do it around me. It was only when he had time for her but not me that I got upset. And after talking to him, and to you guys, I can really see that I was much more upset than I should have been. And that's on me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by vinsanity0 View Post
I mean that it seems like you are approaching this as if your bf is just something you do to occupy your time when your hubby is busy doing other things. Now hubby has a gf and it encroaches on what you perceive as your couple time. The problem is, your couple time was all his available time and now that has changed.

Since your partners are so erratic with their availability, then you and hubby can have your own schedule and stick to it. That means bf or gf may have to do without on occasion. That's just the way it goes. If they want more they will have to do a little work too.
That's not how I feel about my boyfriend or husband at all. And that's not why I was feeling insecure. Being completely ignored by ANYONE when you're all hanging out together tends to make people feel a little less than good no matter what their relationship is to each other.

We are definitely working on firming up a schedule that would work as "days that are available to do dates" and "days that are just for us" because that's an idea we both agree is going to be beneficial.

That being said I definitely did think about what you said with the score card and I did realize I was absolutely keeping one and making MYSELF extra insecure with it. I had a boyfriend before my hubby had a girlfriend. My hubby set the pace I had with my boyfriend and the progression of things. I made it much harder on myself by not letting myself need the same things he did to be comfortable. Which was time ot adjust to changes.
My mind went "well, he is okay with you doing A, B and C. So you HAVE to be okay with all the same stuff RIGHT NOW."
instead of saying "it took 4 months for him to adjust to you having a boyfriend and it started differently. You probably just need time to adjust as well." I was definitely making myself feel guilty and insecure that way - realizing that really helped with my insecurity/anxiety.
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