New to poly and relationship woes (I would love to get feedback)

Liara

New member
Hi you all!

Would it be possible to get advice from an outsider?

I’m 33-years old, a halftime parent of a young child and work full time. My relationship of nine years ended up badly last fall when the other parent of my child became pregnant to another person and wanted to start a family with that particular human being. We had earlier agreed that our relationship would have an expiration date and were trying to make life comfortable for both of us so that we could stay together to keep the family together and we had agreed to us both having other partners. I trusted her 150% and I thought that if someone were to screw things up, that'd be me. Well, long story short, my ex met someone and became pregnant very quickly and chose to keep the baby. We went through a quick separation and I moved into a new home with my child and started building a new life. That happened nine months ago and the last nine months have been really rough on me.

Then something unexpected happened. Someone I had known for years approached me and told me that she’d like to see what we can become. She's someone I've admired for a long time and I too wanted to see what we could become. She is polyamorous and when we met she had no relationships in her life. She had just recovered from a long burn out and was ready to start building her life again. After a short courting period she told me that she loves me and that she wants to build a life together with me as primary partners. I fell in love with her too and we agreed to start working on a relationship.

When we first met she wanted to make sure that I knew she was poly and that in time she would have other partners. At the time she said that’s something that would happen somewhere after we’d had time to get to know each other and she couldn’t imagine that happening in atleast a year. Few weeks later she told me that she wants to go on a date with someone and that freaked me out. She wanted to build something solid with me, to get to know my child and for me to get to know her child and at the same time she was moving really fast.

The next few months were full of difficult discussions about trying to work our way towards us being ready to start seeing other people and I think at times we put more energy into that than getting to know each other. In my personal life I was struggling with custody-arrangements and finally being left financially on my own with my child. I got my first panic attacks and at that time she said she wants to take a time out from the discussions. That as my situation in life is so taxing, this is not the time to discuss about anything. We agreed to not talk about polystuff during the summer. That lasted for a month and after that she was feeling so bad that we had to continue the discussions.

I don’t know what to do. I love her so much and can visualize an amazing future with her. We could be so good together. But right now I’m at a place in life where I got burned really badly when I tried open relationships for the first time and am with a person who is pushing me over what I can bare continuously. And she is with a partner who moves so slow that she is hurting. Her fear is that I’m someone who would love to be poly but who’s not at her core poly. And my fear or concern is that I can’t trust what she says. That things keep changing too rapidly. I would need time to get to know her to know that she is who she says she is and that she is someone worth building a primary relationship with.

I don’t know what to do. This all has turned into such a mess. I’ve already introduced her to my child, my child who’s had his life turned upside down. I trusted that she meant what she said, but right now I don’t know if I can trust her anymore.

She says we need different things and I guess that's partly true. But some part of me thinks that she's a person who has hard time controlling her behavior and that makes it hard for me to trust her. She says she wants to be with me now, but if she moves this fast, how can I be sure that doesn't change as quickly as it started too? How much time do I need to be sure? Does that kind of certainty come with time at all? And the amount of time I would need would most likely be impossible for her to give. Is the only way to go to just go ahead - go poly and see what happens. If our future is to happen, it'll happen with her being who she is. But how can I handle my trust issues (mostly caused by my fresh wounds and by her changing her intentions multiple times)? Or is this a train wreck waiting to happen (you can post a popcorn-eating meme if so!)?

There’s so much I did not write here and still I wrote such a lengthy post. Thank you to anyone who read this far.

And as a final though – I’m glad to be here! I’m eager to read these discussions and especially ones that deal with parenting and poly. My aim in life is to get back on my feet and build lasting (preferably life long) amorous relationships with people. And I hope one or more of those people become active participants in my child’s life. Quite a challenge, but to quote Barney Stinson: Challenge Accepted!
 
Only you can decide what to do.

Me? Just reading that made me feel tired! I would break up, and come to terms that I am not able to be dating a person like this .... Rushing, not able to keep her word, trust issues, etc. Not compatible. I could date someone else that is less stressy to date.

There are growing pains in any relationship but a foundation of trust in their word has to be there for me.Just not reliable to build on shaky ground.

There is also growing pains and getting way bent out of shape. A relationship could naturally complement you. If you have to get all bent out of shape just to be here.... Not compatible.

I am very sorry you are dealing in this. :(

I suggest you write the pros and cons and see if the pros make it worth the return on your continued investment. If not or barely pro side? That tells you something. You could be happy to be here. If you have to sit around convincing self to be here? Maybe not such a great investment then.

Galagirl
 
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She shouldn't have made any promises about keeping monogamous with you until you feel ready. For me, at least, one of the main attractions of poly is being able to act on your feelings for people as you have them. That doesn't mean you constantly have to be with more than one person, or with anyone at all, but it does mean that if I bump into someone who happens to rock my world, I can have that when I want that. Not when someone else, regardless of how much I love and want them in my life too, says it's okay for me to feel this.

It sounds to me as if you're trying to make this into something that it doesn't have to be. It seems as if you're looking for a spouse and she is looking for positive, loving relationships of varying depths.

Say you were monogamous, and your ex cheated on you, would you say to your next monogamous partner that you want them to stay inside and not associate with anyone, just until you get to know them? You see, she is poly, that's a core part of her, and you want her to be someone else whilst you get to know her. That doesn't make sense, you're not getting to know her as the poly woman she is. You're getting to know her as this monogamous woman settling down with you and then, once you know her, you're going to allow her to change into who she really is. That doesn't make sense.

Your notion that "she has a hard time controlling her behaviour" actually means "she won't behave in a way that I condone".

I think it's a case of not only incompatibility, but bad timing. You two may be compatible for some sort of relationship in the future, but right now, I can't see how you'd get to a place where you would both be genuinely happy without sacrificing any of your core needs from your relationships.
 
Thank you both so much for your comments!

I guess I am pretty confused now. I do guess my mindset of the last months has been that we are building a tight primary relationship together. She told me she wanted to marry me and have tattoos together and to me those are kinda big commitments and in my world mean a spousal connection. But I am seeing now that she is really looking for the latter.

I agree with you London that I've been building a relationship assuming she is something she is not (to my small defense I say that is partly because she told me she is something she is not) and that this is not what makes her happy. If we're going to be together, we need to be able to change our relationship pretty big time and talk about whether that's possible or not. And it does indeed seem like a pretty big task to do!

That part about control I regretted the minute I pressed the "Post topic" - thread. I guess it kinda shows that at the time I am pretty anxious, hurt and feeling betrayed. What I basically meant was that in my world you should be able to make sacrifices in life for the things you want. I do find the poly mindset of many that poly is about freedom to cease moments when they arrive to be appealing and hope that I someday am at a point when that's possible.

But it's also a mindset that's hard for me to understand all the way. Maybe my perspective on life is just different on that. I think often times building something solid takes effort and time. And focus. For me personally I would like to take that time to build a primary relationship - especially when both of us have children involved.

Thank you again, I really value your input you both! <3
 
There's many ways to "do" poly. Many models of open relationship.

She told me she wanted to marry me and have tattoos together and to me those are kinda big commitments and in my world mean a spousal connection. But I am seeing now that she is really looking for the latter.

Jeez... Sounds like "love bombing" you to me. Coming on hot and heavy and too tight too fast to sweep you off your feet so you are all lala. Hook you and then flitting off once hooked. Do you think she's an NRE junkie?

She's not been totally honest sounding and/or over the top effusive to me. Either one is unreliable for taking a person at their word. You also don't sound happy being with her like this.

Whatever the case may be, in the end YOU make your choices and you are responsible for your best healths. (Mental health , physical health, emotional health, spiritual health)

Galagirl
 
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There is absolutely nothing wrong with how you want/need to do things. There may be some issues with why you want them, but that's neither here nor there when you discuss the present. It might just mean that she ants and needs to do things in a way that's so different from your way that you can't feasibly be together. It might not be that extreme, but I support you in acknowledging that is an option.

I guess I am pretty confused now. I do guess my mindset of the last months has been that we are building a tight primary relationship together. She told me she wanted to marry me and have tattoos together and to me those are kinda big commitments and in my world mean a spousal connection. But I am seeing now that she is really looking for the latter.

You know, just because she wants to pursue other relationships whilst she develops yours, it doesn't mean that what she said regarding building that type of relationship with you is untrue. Remember the basis of poly is that you can have more than one relationship without taking from one to fuel the other.
 
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When we first met she wanted to make sure that I knew she was poly and that in time she would have other partners. At the time she said that’s something that would happen somewhere after we’d had time to get to know each other and she couldn’t imagine that happening in atleast a year.

I don't see that her behavior suggests she's flighty or untrustworthy. Making a promise like this, in my opinion, is just dumb... not dishonest. There's no way for a person to decide in advance how they are going to react when their environment changes. How could she have known that two weeks after she made this (dumb) promise that she'd meet the absolute neatest guy at a concert and that she'd be very interested?

There isn't any way to know that and there's no way to control it.

What she *could* have controlled is whether or not she acted on said feelings. Personally I don't deny myself an opportunity to explore good chemistry, certainly for the sake of sparing someone else from having to deal with their own insecurities.

That's not meant to be a shot at you, but the reality of the situation.

That as my situation in life is so taxing, this is not the time to discuss about anything. We agreed to not talk about polystuff during the summer. That lasted for a month and after that she was feeling so bad that we had to continue the discussions.

She wanted to continue being poly and you wanted her to put the brakes on, am I reading that correctly?

This is an extremely common discussion in poly/mono arrangements starting out (you sound firmly monogamous, correct me if I'm wrong). The poly person wants to continue being poly and the mono person wants the poly person to pretend to be mono "just for a while". This is a pretty sweet arrangement for the mono person because they get a pseudo-mono partner and don't have to deal with the insecurities.

This girl (can we give her a name?) chose to try to be mono for your sake and wasn't able to do it. That was her call, and I think it was the wrong call. If you are not in a place where you can accept her for who she is then it's YOUR relationship that should be paused... not her lifestyle. Sounds like it would have been more healthy for both of you to back away from each other instead of trying to dive face first into a "primary" relationship arrangement because you are not capable (currently) of accepting the reality of who she is.

Her fear is that I’m someone who would love to be poly but who’s not at her core poly.

You don't need to be poly, you just need to accept that she is. So on your end it is an issue of learning to let go of your instinct to control your environment due to fear of the unknown.

She told me she wanted to marry me and have tattoos together and to me those are kinda big commitments and in my world mean a spousal connection.

Marriage and tattoos? Oh good lord, you guys don't sound like you're in sync enough to consider getting a cactus plant together. You are not anything remotely close to this "primary relationship" and I suggest backing WAY off of this kind of future estate planning. Just get to know each other and learn to accept each other... that could take a long time and you could easily find that the two of you aren't compatible.

Breath deep, slow down. That's my 2 cents.
 
You know, 9 months post divorce isn't that long. You are no doubt still hurting - grieving - from that experience. I imagine that if she hadn't approached you, you really wouldn't have been ready to seek someone new at this time.

Of course, sometimes people fall into your lap like she did. While I agree with Marcus - your new girl made some dumb declarations - when you are still in pain it is kind of natural to want to ease the pain by replacing the missing relationship with a new one that is configured much like the last. I suspect that when this happens - the new relationship fits the exact shape hole that the old one left behind - it might indeed be a pain easer. However if it doesn't well it can actually make it worse and more complicated to sort out.

I know what I am talking about as I was in a similar situation - except my partner died. He was a hinge in a vee. We all lived together, and while the other woman and I were not romantically involved, we were, and are the best of friends. Anyway, I was prepared to take a couple of years to grieve my lost. I also believed that I would never be able to reproduce that relationship configuration ever. Mere months later, the same situation fell into my lap. Unfortunately, we didn't last year and the couple has since divorced.

To make matters more complicated, I am still involved with the male, (the Philosopher in my tag line). I am still sorting my grief issues made murky by the demise of second relationship, and now he is grieving the loss of his marriage. We both assume we will end up together, but there is much healing to do. To alleviate the sense of expectation which seems to fuck up my perception of the here and now. I simply view us as dating. No pressure in regard to the future.

So, this is my lengthy way of saying that I think you may still be able to have a relationship with the new girl, but you have to scratch all the expectations. Instead of looking at it as building a life together, just date each other. Let it grow. Don't use it as a way to fix your pain.
 
Thank you all very, very much for your comments. Some hit home very closely and were hard to read, but they were important to read as well. I really appreciate it!

I don't see that her behavior suggests she's flighty or untrustworthy. Making a promise like this, in my opinion, is just dumb... not dishonest. There's no way for a person to decide in advance how they are going to react when their environment changes. How could she have known that two weeks after she made this (dumb) promise that she'd meet the absolute neatest guy at a concert and that she'd be very interested?

There isn't any way to know that and there's no way to control it.

What she *could* have controlled is whether or not she acted on said feelings. Personally I don't deny myself an opportunity to explore good chemistry, certainly for the sake of sparing someone else from having to deal with their own insecurities.

That's not meant to be a shot at you, but the reality of the situation.

I agree - one can not control his/her feelings, but one can control her actions. I guess that's why I've been thinking about the control-thing. If you promise to stay somewhere and let possibilities slip away, then you should be ready to do so too.

That line about insecurities I kinda get (I do have insecurities), but at the same time it is something that I have hard time relating to from my perspective. English isn't my native tongue (which might be pretty obvious) and I lack the right word and neither of these are right even if close, but I view human relationships as responsibilities/duties. I would sacrifice a lot for my close ones and I have in the past made sacrifices that were big to me (as an example my ex went through a post natal depression and we had no sex for three years. At the time she couldn't cope with me having someone else and I did not. Because that was what she needed at the time. Though this only worked because we were not polyamorous (only had had casual partners). If we had other amorous relationships, blocking other relationships out would've been of course unethical. Just wanted to give an example on how I view relationships and responsibilities/duties). That is the core reason why I also can not view everyone for being responsible for their own happiness either. Ties that bind are more important than personal happiness and sometimes well being (not saying that anyone should stay with a partner who violates them in some way - but for instance I'd take my mom into live with me in a heartbeat if she needed 24/7 care in the future).

Yes, I have my insecurities and lots of them, but I am willing to work really hard to overcome them and to work towards us having a poly future. And I do think there are insecurities on the both side. I understand that people have been burned with people who say they want to be poly and then can not do it. But isn't bringing that fear into a new relationship an insecurity as well? And I can get that sounds monoamorous for someone who already has a history of living as a poly. But that's where I come from and from where I need to work towards something new. I guess this boils down to us being in a very different places at life and that the time I need is too much. And I agree it would've been better to start out differently. Without any promises and with going full poly. And in that case I would've taken the time to build trust from else where. Meaning that I wouldn't have rushed into building a primary relationship or introducing our children. That would've come much, much longer down the line.

And I guess our worldviews are different. My view of human relationships responsibilities/duties (again, not the right word) makes her behaviour seem reckless. Especially the thought about how she wanted to introduce our children to each other and my son to her makes my heartbeat rise to 200 in a second. In my world you just don't do that if you're not 150% committed to what your doing.


She wanted to continue being poly and you wanted her to put the brakes on, am I reading that correctly?

I wanted to take time to define what we were (there were big terms in the air - she called me her spouse, her primary) and to shape out the rules (she wanted some things to be just between us). Our views on how much time that takes seem varied. I thought it takes the time it takes, she wanted it to take few months tops.

You don't need to be poly, you just need to accept that she is. So on your end it is an issue of learning to let go of your instinct to control your environment due to fear of the unknown.

That I agree with. And in our situation I guess it's also about finding out if we can reshape our relationship into being something where I can do that and still feel secure. For instance, using a word spouse (which she said I am to her and wants us to call each other) is not something I am ready to use yet in that case. Can we backpedal on that and the tattoos and move back to them when the time is right? That remains to be seen.

Marriage and tattoos? Oh good lord, you guys don't sound like you're in sync enough to consider getting a cactus plant together. You are not anything remotely close to this "primary relationship" and I suggest backing WAY off of this kind of future estate planning. Just get to know each other and learn to accept each other... that could take a long time and you could easily find that the two of you aren't compatible.

Breath deep, slow down. That's my 2 cents.

Thank you very much for your two cents. Felt more like a truckload of pennies falling on my head. And in a good way! :)

And extra special thanks to bookbug - I can relate on some level to what you wrote and you gave me a new perspective from where to observe this situation.

P.S. Reading back on all I've written and responses I've gotten makes me feel quite a bit embarrassed. What a mess I am at the moment! Please believe that there's a decent human being hidden somewhere under all this silliness.
 
Your English is great. It's sometimes obvious when someone isn't a native English speaker, it wasn't with you.

I view human relationships as responsibilities/duties. I would sacrifice a lot for my close ones and I have in the past made sacrifices that were big to me (as an example my ex went through a post natal depression and we had no sex for three years. At the time she couldn't cope with me having someone else and I did not. Because that was what she needed at the time. Though this only worked because we were not polyamorous (only had had casual partners). If we had other amorous relationships, blocking other relationships out would've been of course unethical. Just wanted to give an example on how I view relationships and responsibilities/duties). That is the core reason why I also can not view everyone for being responsible for their own happiness either. Ties that bind are more important than personal happiness and sometimes well being (not saying that anyone should stay with a partner who violates them in some way - but for instance I'd take my mom into live with me in a heartbeat if she needed 24/7 care in the future).

I think what you might be referring to is obligation. For example, as a mother, I am obliged (legally and morally) to feed my son. Despite this obligation, I enjoy feeding my son his favourite food (which is just about anything edible) so it doesn't seem like a chore to cook him a meal and I often look forward to meal times. Some people hate the thought of them being obliged to do things or behave a certain way but I honestly think that when you build a relationship, any sort of relationship, you are also forming obligations. This is why it's so vital to recognise your limitations so you don't form obligations with people that you are unable to fulfill. This obligation thing only becomes burdensome when the relationship is no longer as positive as it once was and you no longer want to fulfill these obligations.

Fulfilling some of the obligations and expectations we have formed sometimes means that we have to sacrifice something else. Again, this isn't a problem unless the benefits of the sacrifice you have to make to fulfill the obligation/expectation (which would be a healthy, happy relationship with your partner) do not counteract the disadvantages of making the sacrifice. For example, if my partner wanted me to ask permission before having sex with someone because it would make him more secure in our relationship, I'd have to end it because having that restriction on my interactions would mean that I'd have to sacrifice a key attraction of polyamory which is the freedom to act on my feelings as I have them. It would be too big of a sacrifice and although I'd be happy that our relationship was smooth and that my partner was happy and secure, it wouldn't fulfill my personal desires and needs.

I understand that people have been burned with people who say they want to be poly and then can not do it. But isn't bringing that fear into a new relationship an insecurity as well?

Well, yes, it is. But it's an insecurity that you'll be restricted from being who you really are and seeking what you really need. Remember, you're effectively asking her (and she agreed, I haven't forgotten that she stupidly agreed) to be someone else for a period of time. Perhaps it would have or even still be more of a compromise if you had a deadline for this rather than a vague "when I feel we are settled" type thing. What she is asking of you isn't actually stopping you from having the relationship she described with her. You could still be primaries/spouses and she could still date other people right now. Plenty of people don't have an enforced monogamy period or "no new partner" period when they start dating and still end up in a marriage like relationship. What you're asking of her is for her to for her to be someone else for a vague and unspecified period of time until you achieve some subjective social status as a couple.

Now this all changes if you are monogamous. It means she is doing the same thing to you as you are doing to her. She is expecting you to be someone you can't be which is someone who is in a non monogamous relationship. Then it becomes both of you equally pressuring the other to make a sacrifice that will quash a sizable amount of your happiness. Would monogamy be appealing to you? If you could wave a magic wand and have a monogamous relationship with this woman, would you?

I handle my son meeting new partners similarly to you. However, many people actively involve their children in their dating. They see no reason to limit how many partners they meet. I strongly disagree but perhaps she is in that camp.
 
Others have made excellent points. I just have a few comments.

Yes, it seems to me that you have different "paces" when developing relationships. Her style would not suit ME at all - a hectic, frenetic, whirlwind - it would exhaust me just to witness it. But I am really, really slow to let emotions into the equation.

In regard to her agreement to "close" as you are developing your relationship...I have mixed feelings. On one hand, I think it is a good idea "let the dust settle" and see what you have with someone before you add another person into the mix. On the other hand there is something to be said for "starting as you mean to go on" - rather than developing a relationship with one structure and then expecting it to stand up when the structure dramatically changes.

I think both of you were unrealistic in trying to "plan" what your relationship should/would look like ahead of time rather than letting it develop naturally as you learn how to be with each other. Again, my style of organic relationship building doesn't work for everyone...

And I'll echo the others - you are still adjusting to your new life after your breakup and heartache. Sounds like she may have been rebounding as well. Adding chaos to turmoil? sounds like it was bound to get messy
 
You know, I can't comment as applies specifically to polyamory, but from a practical, basic level, I can say a few things:

On the speed of relationships:

they do take as long as they take. Sometimes (shockingly) that time is only a few months. Sometimes it takes years. Assuming that something isn't going to last because it fell into a serious vein within a month or three is faulty -- my husband and I both knew what we wanted, and we were compatible, and it worked. That can happen. The problem arises when the compatibility isn't really there but the problems are buried under NRE.

On children and other adults in the home:

Some kids really are looking for new parents. Some aren't. But on the whole, kids go with the flow of other adults around them. I haven't had lots of lovers, but I've had friends and friends of family members staying for weeks/months/years in and around my house, and when they leave, they leave, and my daughter misses them, but adapts. The biggest adaptation came when her father died when she was five, because that was, of course, traumatic. But when other household members leave, she says, "I miss him/her" but so long as I am a constant, she's okay.

She's nine, now. She's had a new step-father come in, a teenage half-sister come and go after a year and a half, a grandmother's ex come-go-come-stay-go-again so often you're never sure where he's going to be, an adult friend who stayed for over a year and helped care for her when I had my second baby, and several people come and stay for weeks, then go again. She handles them all the same as she handles my brother and sister (her aunt and uncle) who come, stay for a few days visit, and go. She's obsequious and friendly and misses them when they're gone, and goes on with her life regardless of their comings and goings.



Whether your relationship with this woman will last or not, that will depend on whether you are ultimately compatible. Stay a constant for your child, and your child will likely adapt, whatever happens.
 
Thank you all for the replies once again!

Things sorted themselves out more quickly than I anticipated and we broke up yesterday. Right now my heart aches like hell, but I know life will go on, in time. There's nothing to do but to breath through the moments until it does.

I hope to return here some day when I'm ready to take another go at amorous relationships. But for now, for my sake (and for everyones sake I could say) I pray myself wisdom and patience to just focus on myself and to think long and hard about what it is what I want, what I have to offer and how can I make sure my future relationships are built on more solid foundation.

I've gotten a lot to think about from here, thank you all for that.

Sincerely,
Liara
 
I am sorry you now deal in processing break up feelings. :(

You sound like you have a good plan for future though.

Hang in there!

Galagirl
 
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