New to Poly need some advice

frosty

New member
Like the title says i am new to poly. It has been a long time since I have been in any relationship and I have started a relationship with a girl who is in a open relationship. I have known both of them (her and her husband) for a few years now. The first 2 weeks where great there was a lot of conversation and spending time together. These last 2 weeks have been stressful for both of us and the conversation has almost stopped now.

This week she told me that her last BF has started texting her and may want to start their relationship back up again. She already said that having 2 BFs most likely will not work. I will not see or talk with her in the next month or so since she will be with her family on vacation. So now i have to wait to see if I will still be her BF or just be friends. She has mentioned that she does not want to go any farther in our relationship until she knows what her last BF wants. She is giving her last BF a few weeks to make up his mind. I do not know what to do. i feel like i am going crazy. Do i wait? Do i just stop this relationship?

Also running through my head is what if the last BF comes back after a few months will she stop our relationship to be with him. I will have to talk with her about this if we continue our relationship.

Sorry if this post jumps around a lot. I have not had much sleep in the past few days.
 
I do not know what to do. i feel like i am going crazy. Do i wait? Do i just stop this relationship?

You could make a firm decision so you can step out of Limbo. Only you know your own mind and your own wants. Which want is greater?

  • If you want to try to be with her? You wait. You have been dating a month. She's off on a trip. She's got stuff to sort with the ex. You wait the next few weeks and then you see what's going on when she gets back. Price of admission: waiting, some stress/anxiety in the waiting time.

  • If you want to be free of anxiety and waiting? You break it off now with her as just not the best timing to be starting a new dating relationship with her. Price of admission: some disappointment to process before you move on.

Pick your greater want.

If you don't know which to pick? Pick "least work" for you then. Breaking up with her now is less work because it can be done and over with today. Waiting weeks is not done til weeks out.

I don't know what else to suggest. I'm sorry you struggle. :(

Galagirl
 
She has mentioned that she does not want to go any farther in our relationship until she knows what her last BF wants.

Damn, girl put you on the bench until she finds out if her other BF wants to be with her? That... doesn't sound great.

My relationships shouldn't hinge on the goings on of other relationships. Her BF can want what he wants, but as soon as that becomes the determining factor of how *my* relationship goes... no, that's over for me.
 
Also running through my head is what if the last BF comes back after a few months will she stop our relationship to be with him. I will have to talk with her about this if we continue our relationship.

You clearly see the problem with trusting her to treat your relationship with respect.

I probably couldn't stay interested in someone who shelved me for possible later use in that manner. But if I were friends with the person, I would probably go ahead and have that conversation now. "Would our relationship always be subject to summary dissolution because of the renewed interest of this old flame? Or a new interest?" I guess the main reason to ask is to see if she's ever even thought about how her process comes across. I'd be curious, but no longer interested, no matter what the answer.

While I certainly understand her feeling that she is at her polysaturation point with one husband and one boyfriend, treating potential lovers as ranked understudies for the role of secondary is a classic case of treating people as things. And it's probably never going to be comfortable dating someone who finds that acceptable.
 
Hi frosty,

Re (from OP):
"She already said that having two boyfriends most likely will not work ... She has mentioned that she does not want to go any farther in our relationship until she knows what her last boyfriend wants."

Zoinks. This makes me think that you are her "Plan B Boyfriend." "I'll let you be my boyfriend as long as there's nothing else." Or, at least, as long as her "Plan A Boyfriend" (her last boyfriend) doesn't pan out. Me personally, I wouldn't wanna be Plan B. I'd be like, "Ehh, nawww, this is not for me." However, if you don't mind being Plan B then I guess it's worth it to wait and see if you can continue as her boyfriend (til something "better" comes along).

I realize that breaking up with someone isn't something you can do flippantly. Well, I don't think you can, though it's starting to look like she can. But take into account the fact that you are her second choice -- at best.

Ick, is what I say. I'm sorry you're stuck in this position.
 
I agree with the others. If she has in fact said, I won't be able to handle two bfs and I may drop you in favor of the ex, I'd make the decision easy for her.
 
This puts you in a very difficult position for the next month.

As others have said, this could be viewed as Plan A vs. Plan B boyfriend situation.

However, I do think that sometimes things can be more complicated than that. What I would actually say is that it sounds like she isn't actually over her ex yet, and that perhaps it's too soon for you guys to date.

If it were me? It would drive me crazy, waiting for an answer for an entire month. If it were *me*, I'd be inclined to check out of the situation for the time being. I'd probably say that it sounds like she isn't over her ex yet and still has some things to work out. Therefore, I'd end the current bout of dating and tell her that my door is open for her in the future, if she feels in a better place to start dating.

This offers you some protection from being the rebound guy and also allows you to have control over your own situation. I've found in the past that the habits you begin relationships with show themselves in various scenarios throughout the course of the consequential relationship. It's better to start with a healthy dynamic (you are in control of your own life and she is over the ex) than with an unhealthy dynamic (you allow yourself to have no control and she is in a rough emotional place).
 
Thank you all for your advice.

Currently I do not know what I am going to do. I have to spend some more time thinking about this whole situation. She has already left on vacation so I have a month to decide what I am going to do. If i am going to change our relationship I will do it in person not over phone or text.

She has not said that she would drop me for her ex but the feeling i got when she told me about her ex was that it was a possibility. What also complicates things is that if i do break it off i will see her every week or so. This is due to the fact that i have game night with her husband and a few friends at their house every week or so.

What also has been bugging me a little was she mentioned she and her ex have been on a 2 year hiatus. Am i wrong in thinking that this sounds like i am a filler until she gets back together with her ex? This could also be just her saying something but meaning something else. I do not know and will probably bring it up if i decide to stay in a relationship with her.
 
What also has been bugging me a little was she mentioned she and her ex have been on a 2 year hiatus. Am i wrong in thinking that this sounds like i am a filler until she gets back together with her ex?

That's what it sounds like, but is that reality? The one person who can answer that question for you is her... just call her and talk to her about it?

You assuming and us guessing isn't going to get you anywhere.
 
Re: game night at their house ... does sound like Awkward City if you break up with her ... but on the other hand, it's also not a very good reason for continuing to be "an item" with her. The best you can do is try to break up an such an amicable manner that you and she can remain (platonic) friends.

Give yourself a month to think about it, but then have a heavy-duty discussion with her the next time you can speak to her in person and in private. You deserve better than "filler" or "Plan B" status.
 
Damn, girl put you on the bench until she finds out if her other BF wants to be with her? That... doesn't sound great.

My relationships shouldn't hinge on the goings on of other relationships. Her BF can want what he wants, but as soon as that becomes the determining factor of how *my* relationship goes... no, that's over for me.

Yep, id drop her
 
So it has been just over a month and a half. I still do not know what is going on with the GF.

I know she has kids who are in summer school right now and coming back from a long vacation will probably have a lot of unpacking/cleaning to do. But i was expecting at least some communication even if it was just a few texts. I do not count the single text reply i got back from her last week communication. Now i just feel like she does not want to talk to me.

This could also be just all the stress over the last month and a half getting to me. With a job shuffle(same place but a lot more responsibility), full kitchen reno (still not done), basement flooding 4 times, Dad needs surgery, and some other family issues.

My plan so far is to text her either tomorrow after work or on monday to see what is going on. My last resort to get some answers would be to ask her husband what is going on.
 
No news at all, eh? That is stressful.

It's good of you to try to reach out to her ... I don't know if I could be that patient!
 
So after a few texts between us last week and the beginning of this week about getting together to discuss us, I got a text today pretty much saying our relationship is not working :(. She still wants to be friends, so that is a good thing.

I have to take some time to process everything. I feel surprisingly calm now that i know what is going on between us. Tomorrow might be a different story.

Thank you everyone for the advise and being so welcoming to this poly n00b.
 
Though I am sorry about the break up, I am glad you know where you stand now and that it sounds amicable.

Hang in there!

Galagirl
 
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