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nostorinogt

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Hello everyone My name is Mike and My wife is Amanda. We are new to the idea of polyamory and trying to find a good way to get started. I am heterosexual and I just found out about a month ago my wife is bisexual.
 
Hey Mike (Amanda too),
Welcome to our forum.

Looks like you're very fresh on the scene and a clean slate (which I got to write on first, woo-hoo!). The best way to get started (IMO) is to read, read, read (and post your thoughts, questions, and concerns as they arise). We have a Golden Nuggets board that's very good for introducing you to the basics. Also there's a Dating & Friendships subforum, should you feel inclined to start looking around for friends and/or dates right away. But as I said, I'd recommend learning a lot about polyamory first, before diving too deep into the deep end of the pool.

A couple of additional (offsite) resources that might be good to take a look at:

"Opening Up," a book by Tristan Taormino;
Franklin Veaux's poly pages.

Have a look around on our site; tap into our search and tag search engines; lots of collective wisdom here from many points of view, so it's a good place to accumulate a broad view of the landscape ahead. I wish you guys the very best and am glad you could join us.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Yea, We are still in the research phase of this. We join a local poly group so we can meet like minded people. I Mike was happy going through life in a monogamous marriage then my wife being bisexual came up about a month and a half ago.
 
Doesn't necessarily mean poly

Mike, I just wanted to point out that poly isn't a necessary outcome of one partner in a relationship being bisexual. If you both want to be poly, that is great; but, many bisexual people are not poly and are perfectly happy. Being bisexual doesn't mean you have to love or be intimate with people of both sexes simultaneously, just that you can be loving or intimate with either sex.

I am not trying to discourage poly, btw. I am, and believe it can be a great lifestyle. But, it's not a foregone conclusion of being bisexual, which is a bit like how your posts read to me.
 
Re (from nostorinogt):
"We joined a local poly group so we can meet like minded people."

Yes; that is an outstanding call in my opinion.

Whatever you decide as far as whether or not to practice polyamory, it can't hurt to gain knowledge (from a variety of perspectives) about it. I also think it is good to have poly friends. :)
 
She want to have experience with women again and the only way I feel comfortable with this is for both of us to be able to have freedom to have an outside partner. You have to understand that I though I married a straight person. This was something that was just brought to my attention just a little over a month ago.
 
I am more of a traditionalist when it comes to marriage. I don't care if your gay or straight but marriage in my eyes used to be between 2 people. I am the one opening up to this Idea. I would not let my wife step outside this marriage with out me being able to play along too. If she stepped out with out my blessing I would consider it cheating.
 
Nost-
I don't think that's quite what they meant.
More that there are a variety of non-monogamous styles (like swinging) that aren't poly.
Not that it's necessarily that one person is or isn't allowed.

&

That someone whose bi (which I am) may not actually act on it within the bounds of a mono relationship. Heck-I'm in a poly relationship-but there just isn't anyone who meets my criteria for dating to fill that interest of mine.

Anyway-it's totally ok to be seeking info. Just realize-some of the info you get, won't be pertinent, and some you didn't think was pertinent, might be.
 
No doubt there must be consent from all involved parties; otherwise it's not honest polyamory. I agree that it's fair and appropriate for both of you to be able to see new people.
 
Going into poly as a tit for tat situation usually does not end well. Meaning it is not fair to play with another persons emotions meaning getting involved with them when the only reason is because your wife is doing it you are going to do it too.
 
Well, the key here is, when you date someone, is that someone just an "object" to you, or a person? If you're only dating them to "even the playing field" with your wife, then said date has been objectified. Do be careful not to fall into that pitfall. Date someone only if you are truly interested in them as a person, without any "ulterior motives." It's only fair to the person you're dating.
 
It sounds like you're upset that your wife only recently revealed she's bi, she's had sex with women, and now that she's married to a guy who believed she was straight and mono, she's come out as actually bi and poly... Are you kind of reeling from all this new info?

Are you poly? Do you feel you are willing, able and eager to fall in love with another woman and still love your wife? If you're actually mono, chances are if you set your sights on another woman, you could fall out of love with your wife.

Just a warning from one who's been there, do not imagine that both of you falling in love and lust with the same woman, and her with you both, has much chance of happening. (Not saying you're thinking of hot 3somes, but so many people do, including me... and I got burnt. We all did.)
 
I was not hurt when she came out as bisexual. I was only hurt when she said she needed to be with a woman also to make her happy. She has had a very screwed up past that has caused a big disconnect in her head. She does not connect sex with feelings. I don't know how far I trust that. She was suggesting a completely open marriage. I am the one suggesting basically a triad. My parents were swingers and I have dated bisexual women before but, this is the first time I have been this deep into something before things started to change.
 
The thing I see as the problem with this is I have seen it ruin 2 long term marriages. She has only been involved with one woman in her life and that was someone she was friends with before the sex began. That relationship only lasted 2 years and it was done. I was friends with the same woman but knew nothing of their sexual relationship. I thought they were just friends. This other woman encouraged me to date my wife by telling me how good of a person she was. I would still consider her a friend.
I am wanting someone that can be there for both of us. I don't want this to be a one sided thing. There is enough love In this house to go around. We have our problems but we use them to make us stronger. This is a problem that can make us better people and make us love better.
 
I take it the kind of relationship you're looking for is yourself (a hetero) male, Amanda, and one other bisexual female with whom you and Amanda both have a romantic relationship. To wit, a triad, as any three-person unit with all three persons romantically involved with each other is called a triad.

The "problem" is that you're looking for a "unicorn triad." By that I mean, two bisexual females, and one heterosexual male, with one of the females being a "third," and the other being the man's primary partner. The man and woman who were together in the first place are the original couple and as such, get what we sometimes call "couple privelage." That means the woman who is a "newcomer" to the scene kind of gets second-class status compared to the original couple. She doesn't get to make the rules; she doesn't get a say in discussions about the rules. She just has to accept whatever the "primary couple" tells her.

From there, other problems crop up. The "third" -- the "unicorn" -- is often expected to be equally in love with both members of the original couple, and is "forbidden" to fall in love with anyone else outside the triad. Sometimes this "unicorn woman" is expected to do the chores, take care of the kids, etc. ... She is archtypically financially dependent on the original couple, which cements her obligations to them. Also, she might be treated like a "dirty little secret" who is not to be revealed to any of the original couple's family members, nor invited to any of their family functions. Stuff like that.

Obviously, such a set-up is doomed for disaster; it's just a matter of when. Definitely not saying this is how you and Amanda would treat your "third," but you'd be surprised how many couples do treat their third that way. What I am saying is, take precautions so that you don't inadvertently become "unicorn hunters." Have a good deal of flexibility toward whatever woman you meet. Maybe she'll only fall in love with one of you. Maybe she'll already have a (polyamorous) partner. Maybe she'll already have kids (with all the responsibility they entail). And so on. Just don't saddle her with expectations that she'll be the "perfect woman for you." The perfect woman doesn't exist; that's why we call her a unicorn.

Having said that: MFF triads do occur, and can certainly be successful and fair to all three persons (especially if all three get a fair and equal say in the family discussions and any rules that may result). So sure, be optimistic that a nicely-balanced MFF triad may be in your future. But be open-minded about the other possibilities as well. Just as Amanda's need for another woman was unexpected, so the solution to the problem may also take an entirely unexpected form. Which is okay, because it might actually be better than you had imagined.
 
We are really in the discussion phase of this. The best solution might be a completely open marriage were we don't have any physical contact with the others secondary partner. We are just exploring this as a viable option. We would not expect this other person to bear any responsibility when it comes to our home life if they do not wish.
My wife has not been with a woman in almost 10 years and this could be something that turns out a disappointment for her. We are just trying to prepare ourselves for the future. I want my wife to eventually open up to her family but I know that will be a big battle for her. My family is more accepting of things like this. My parents were swingers for several years before they got divorced. Her family is heavily involved in church and are very judgmental of everything we do.
 
I have to agree with the above poster. Prior to learning that your wife was bisexual did you have a desire to have an outside relationship? I am close friends with a couple (they are admittedly swingers) where this situation occurred. She wanted to open things up (with men and women), but he was content to be mono. They did the whole swingers scene for a couple years and when we saw them a couple if months ago she told me they were getting out of it because he had trouble meeting women. All I could think was how that was the result of him not actively desiring that life style. He went along with it, but more to please her.

Would you be comfortable letting her experiment with these feelings without you getting an outside lover? Are you interested in a possible triad with a woman that connects well with both of you? I think those are things to consider first rather than feeling that because she is doing it then you must also find someone.
 
I cant stomach the thought of letting her go out on her own without at least having the option. She has told me what she wants and I think she is going to have a hard time finding it. We have talked about this and she does not want me to be at home with the kids by myself while she is out playing with someone else. I don't want this to happen either because I would resent her for that. It should be a level playing field. Part of this is her need for female companionship not just sex.
I have already decided that if we do this and she cannot find that right person then I would not do anything. I know that it would be a lot easier for me because I do not require friendship. She cannot just go out and find the first lesbian that she sees and hop into bed with her. She wants to find another woman in her same situation (married with kids).
 
I can understand where you are coming from as far as not wanting to sit at home alone. My current situation leaves me with no room to judge anyone. I just wanted to throw a few things out there for you.

If I were you I would see how things go in her search before looking for someone outside the relationship. It sounds like she is looking for something fairly particular and even then finding someone meeting those criteria doesn't mean she will have a connection with her. Plus, if you search you may find someone that you might be surprised about having deep feelings for, and if that were to happen how would she feel if she is not finding what she is looking for? I have found that wanting one thing and actually achieving it are not nearly as simple as it seems in theory.

I wish you the best no matter what!
 
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