Flirting with Monos

Wow. I am totally impressed with the responses here.

I was not expecting such a vocal community.

I am not flirting with just anyone in the small town. A couple people caught my attention unexpectedly. As far as the future goes I'll be keeping quiet in the smaller town.

It seems like contradiction, but I am happy just being good friends if someone is not interested in poly. However, I'd prefer they be open to it and we be able to not have that limit. I plan to just live my life and do my part as if they are just a person and ignore the stigma or their professed religon. If they turn down my invitation at some point we will have found the limit on their involvement and I will be happy wherever that line gets drawn.

I think that not persuing monos would reduce my pool of possible friends and lovers. I just really thought it'd be a fun topic to discuss.

What is the conversion rate on mono to poly for those of you that have tried to approach of just plain fell for mono people?

Sorry for spelling errors. I sent this from my phone.
 
Sorry to double post.

I dont use a dating service now. I may in the future but we (me and my fiancee) are kinda ramping up slowly. So for now I was just happy with the non relationship specific benefits of poly: not living a lie, being happy, no guilt, freedom, honesty, communication, and the occasional flirty friend. Then I bumped into an awesome chick that happens to fall under the devoulty mono umbrella.
 
What is the conversion rate on mono to poly for those of you that have tried to approach of just plain fell for mono people?

Well, I'm mono and my partner fell for me (and he's poly), but I don't think of myself as converted. Unless my slow descent into agnosticism has anything to do with it. :p

Are you just looking for a rate of success in finding a mono person to date/be in a relationship with a poly person? I'm not sure if that data exists.
 
The "data" may exist on the forum, for someone interested enough to start searching threads and collecting it.
But it is definitely not compiled into a data set and thus not usable or quotable until such time as somone ops to do the dirt work of compiling it.

My bf is mono. But he hasnt "converted. He's simply accepted me for who i am. Dh was hard core mono and anti-open relationships. He's converted but not dating others at this time for his own personal reasons.
 
Sorry to be away so long. I am in Florence with Sydney so I haven't been sitting at the computer much.

I've pretty much decided that I am going to just treat people right and let them limit our relationships instead of assuming a limit based on their preconceived lifestyle. I think that a mono partner might be a little wonkey for me though. If my fiancée and other people I love are all happy to share my time and attention and get some fulfillment from other partners then it seems easy to juggle. Someone that expects to just be with me and have all their needs solely met by me, if at all, might find themselves wanting someone that is not also making time for two or three other women on top of work, hobbies, and college. I don't see that as my concern though.

I also have decided that as of right now I agree with the theory that it is ok to keep news about poly quiet until a first date. Most people I know understand that people are not mono on a first date by the very nature of dating. So, that seems like a great way to avoid creeping people out and allows me to explain my lifestyle choice in person.
 
Honestly, I shy away from dating people that are not 1) Poly or 2) Openly poly friendly. Nothing wrong with that. But often people don't even KNOW what poly is, so perhaps it would be a good idea to look into dating people who are non-monogamous/respond positively if you tell them you're poly/etc? Something that would indicate they would be open to poly. I've gone to the kink community, simply to find others who were non-judgmental, and I found many who loved the idea of having multiple emotional, and not purely sexual, relationships; but didn't know it was even possible.
 
Once I get settled down I think a more straight forward approach may be an option in some cases. As of right now me and Sydney are still car shopping and I'm looking for a job in my new location. I think that the approach might depend on the meeting circumstances.

Thanks for all your opinions and advice. I really appreciate it.
 
I m new to poly/open marriage. I seem to enjoy flirting more now than before. Most know that I am married. Some women flirt back as well. All in fun. Some of the women in my circle know I have an open marriage now... It did seem to change the friendships... Not necessarily for the better...being married, i think they saw me as "safe" It just may be my imagination.

So, I enjoy having female friends. I am taking things slow. I am not after a ONS... I want to wait for the right person, the right chemistry, and have that certain connection...One that may be around a while...That may not happen the way I would like...I can enjoy their company even though nothing develops...


What I am discovering is that I don't have enough time for another relationship...especially one who wants to spend alot of time with me...being a family man, mono or poly, I think a woman would have a hard time with that...
 
I also have decided that as of right now I agree with the theory that it is ok to keep news about poly quiet until a first date.

There are two issues that come to mind.

First would be honesty. I personally see no honesty conflicts with waiting to disclose something until you meet someone. Your life is your business and no one has a "right" to know things about you. But some people disagree with that, and it can raise potential conflicts. People can feel misled. My personal response to that is "tough poop" but just letting you know what to expect...

Second would be using your time and energy efficiently. I would anticipate that upon learning you're not single, a lot of people would lose interest immediately. Myself, I'd prefer to get that out of the way and save the time and energy of going out for coffee with someone who's not really available to me.
 
I would be pretty pissed to get out on a date to discover someone intentionally hid the fact they were in a relationship. I think if it gets to the point you ask someone out, that is the point it should be disclosed, not while out on a date. That right there would be the end of the date for mw, even if I was cool with it. The dishonestly would be a major deal breaker
 
I would be rather pissed to find out someone hid their relationship status from me at a first date. I think it should be apart of the pre first date conversation. Why waste the other persons time if your relationship status would be a deal breaker for them.

How would you feel if you went on a date and were really into someone. Things get flirty and hot and heavy and they then pop the news that they have herpes. While many view it as just a skin condition others it is a HUGE deal breaker.

While they do not need to know all your information up front you should disclose important common deal breakers. For many those are relationship status, disease status, children...
 
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I would be pretty pissed to get out on a date to discover someone intentionally hid the fact they were in a relationship. I think if it gets to the point you ask someone out, that is the point it should be disclosed, not while out on a date. That right there would be the end of the date for mw, even if I was cool with it. The dishonestly would be a major deal breaker

Second that. I tell someone as soon as I have interest, and they show interest back.
 
It might not be a deal breaker for me, but it would definitely put a damper on the whole thing, even though I tent to prefer people who have partners, because I wouldn't trust them to be honest with me during the relationship if they were hiding something like that.
 
I think it's important to differentiate between "what I would like to know" and "what I am entitled to know."

In my opinion, nobody is entitled to know anything much at all about a particular person. Especially if they don't ask. Frankly, anyone who goes on a date assuming the other person is single, just because they didn't say "hey by the way, I'm married and I have two girlfriends," is guilty of making assumptions and not checking them out. Don't blame other people for your assumptions. If it's that important to you to know that someone has other relationships, then it's your responsibility to ask. I can't possibly be expected to know each and ever trigger or deal breaker that a person might have.

If you try to play it out as "some things are just common sense" then remember where you're posting. This is a poly forum. For a lot of people, it's "just common sense" that you can't even have two girlfriends. You're either monogamous or cheating. So as soon as you stop dating in "the mono world," a lot of those "common sense" assumptions you've made all your life fly right out the window.

Personally, I don't see any first date as a "waste of time" just because it doesn't result in a long term relationship, or even a second date. I enjoy every encounter for what it is. If it goes further, then I enjoy that too. If it doesn't, I get on with my life.
 
Well, in my case, I would mention being polyamorous before the first date. So if the other person is polyamorous as well, here is their chance. I would definitely think it was untentional if they didn't let me know at that point "oh, me too" and then during the first date were all "okay, there is something you need to know..."

That, or they didn't pay attention when I said it or something.

Mind you, it's different if they thought I knew and end up mentioning their wife/girlfriend/partner casually in discussion, and are surprised that I didn't know about them. That isn't deceit.

So in short, if I felt like they intentionally tried to hide it I would probably not be happy about that. Whether I'm entitled to know it or not is beside the point. Whether I want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't disclose at the time I prefer is what it's about. As weird as people's criteria might seem to other people, they're still allowed to have those criteria.
 
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So in short, if I felt like they intentionally tried to hide it I would probably not be happy about that. Whether I'm entitled to know it or not is beside the point. Whether I want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't disclose at the time I prefer is what it's about. As weird as people's criteria might seem to other people, they're still allowed to have those criteria.

Yep. This I can agree with. I totally support refusing to continue dating someone whom you believe is deliberately misleading you. I was just meaning that I wouldn't necessarily take "not volunteering everything" as deliberately misleading. There are way too many deal breakers out there to predict all of them, so you have to ask. The spirit of "asking" doesn't have to be a direct question, either. Like you said, if you tell someone and then they don't reciprocate, that would be weird.
 
I prefer to have deal breakers out in the open as soon as is feasible. But that does not automatically mean first date. And I do a lot of 'pre-sorting' by openly noting on dating sites that I am poly and kiny. Being in a relationship already is also something I think important to note upfront.

From reading this board for a few years, it seem that mostly men try the 'don't mention poly at first' tactic. And I think it is done out of fear of scarcity. I totally understand that stating one's polyness drastically reduces the potential pool of dates. But that is true regardless of if one is initially upfront about poly or brings it up later on. I don't see the point of waiting. Monogamy or non-monogamy, in a relationship already or not in in a relationship already, are major deal breakers for many, maybe most people. If I was a monogamous woman, seeking a monogamous relationship, I would be really annoyed if my exciting date was already married, even if he or she was honest about it in person. I wonder if choosing to wait until first date, or later, to disclose contributes to the stereotype of poly men as only hound dogs out for sex. (I'm not saying the stereotype is fair. But it definitely exists and shapes how some people think about poly.)

I also run into this from the 'other' side as in monos flirting with me. I get some messages from men on dating sites where once I go to their profile I wonder why in the heck they messaged me. Their profiles go on and on about finding that special woman, looking for the one, how treasured they will treat that person. The language they use to describe what they want is so heavily saturated with mono ideals that I can't see where I could possibly fit. I'm cool with some folks wanting monogamy. That makes sense to me. But why bother messaging me? It's clear from my profile - which some have read because they tailored their message - that I'm not into anonymous or one night stands. I state my interest in FWBs - but emphasize the 'friends' part of that. I guess that could still be taken to mean down to fuck by some. I suppose it is as simple as some men playing the odds and messaging the poly, kinky chick on off chance to get some sex. But given that many of my messages fall into this category, I find it disheartening at times. I was wondering if there are any ideas for cutting down on this.
 
Honestly... I think there definitely are guys who write down "looking for the one" in their profiles but are (also) looking for casual sex. They just think it looks bad if they say so. And then they see you're open and they're like "score! She'll have sex with me!" because they assume, somehow, that it means you'll have sex with anyone.
 
I prefer to have deal breakers out in the open as soon as is feasible. But that does not automatically mean first date. And I do a lot of 'pre-sorting' by openly noting on dating sites that I am poly and kiny. Being in a relationship already is also something I think important to note upfront.

From reading this board for a few years, it seem that mostly men try the 'don't mention poly at first' tactic. And I think it is done out of fear of scarcity. I totally understand that stating one's polyness drastically reduces the potential pool of dates. But that is true regardless of if one is initially upfront about poly or brings it up later on. I don't see the point of waiting. Monogamy or non-monogamy, in a relationship already or not in in a relationship already, are major deal breakers for many, maybe most people. If I was a monogamous woman, seeking a monogamous relationship, I would be really annoyed if my exciting date was already married, even if he or she was honest about it in person. I wonder if choosing to wait until first date, or later, to disclose contributes to the stereotype of poly men as only hound dogs out for sex. (I'm not saying the stereotype is fair. But it definitely exists and shapes how some people think about poly.)

There's a huge difference between the limited space on a dating profile, where the word poly can trigger so much ignorance and misunderstanding and sitting across from someone, explaining how it works, answering questions, and putting a successful human face on a social taboo.

My partner Audrey (f) doesn't put it on her dating profiles, but has a great success rate at getting people (she's pansexual) to give things a chance that they might not have otherwise. She doesn't have a hard and fast rule. Often she chats with people for months or weeks, either in the app or through texts, and when it comes up...it comes up. We've had a talk about my feelings, vis-a-vis not wanting to feel hidden and therefore unimportant...and we're on the same page. She loves me, values our relationship and brings it up if and when there's a need to...i.e. not casual dating. And it so happens that I've been able to do the same myself.

I think men have the reputation for being aggressively horny no matter what their orientation because they have been socialized to be such, in part by the misogynistic culture we live in.

In the younger segment of today's dating culture, it's all non-committal anyway. A great deal of people are dating more than one person casually, with at least one person in their rotation as their main "friend". With that as the landscape, finding out someone is poly isn't that great a shock. The idea that someone could expect you to be committed only to them on the first date is a little far afield anyway. Having a committed partner doesn't mean the new person is precluded from becoming just as important as the original partner. In fact, I struggled with that fear for months as I was adjusting to being poly. In practice, as well all read daily on these boards, it's often the new person who gets an extraordinary attention (NRE), sometimes to the neglect of the original partner.

A lot of what is "acceptable" and "not acceptable" comes from the community you're in, your age range, your education level, etc. - a ton of factors. And just when you're ready to assume someone can't handle polyamory, they can surprise you.
 
I think there definitely are guys who write down "looking for the one" in their profiles but are (also) looking for casual sex.

I wonder how many of them write that solely because they believe it's what women want, and it makes them appear more desirable?
 
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