Ok, so I've reached a conclusion on what I want to do. I generally take longer to reach conclusions in moral dilemmas of general interest (abortion, smoking, censorship, etc.), but I really needed a quick brainstorm of ideas for this and to get going, because I'm currently in the situation I described and I need to make a choice and test it out (I'm being goal oriented).
So summing up, main reasons why I would date an adulterer so far is because:
1- I want to, and I think it's the choice of the adulterer to decline or accept, not the choice of their partner.
2- I hold monogamous relationships in low esteem. I think they're disrespectful and fake, so naturally I don't respect them myself if it's against my own self-interest.
I'm reconsidering my approach because it's affecting me in a negative way due to backlash.
First thing I've learned is that monogamous relationships are not as fake as I thought. Some people do like to stay monogamous, even knowing polyamory and open relationships exist. AlwaysGrowing says "Just because 15-25% of people (according to surveys done by institutions I know nothing about) cheat in closed relationships doesn't mean that those who don't cheat should be lumped in with them." I'm not dismissing the surveys because I've checked several from different institutions that give similar results, and they're properly done and analyzed (as far as I've seen just from searching around on the net for an hour or two). "The National Opinion Research Center (NORC) is one of the largest independent social research organizations in the United States, established in 1941. Its corporate headquarters is located on the University of Chicago campus." If the results were akin to 50% (taking into account other survey factors), they would deserve very little to no respect from me. If the truthfulness of a relationship can be estimated by the flip of a coin, then you know we're dealing with a mass delusion here. But 1 out of 5 cheating is not altogether large enough to systematically disrespected monogamous relationships: 4 out of 5 deserve, at least, credibility (most of them).
Next thing I've observed in this topic is that most people here are against adultery, and yet some agree with it to some extent. This is NOT at all relevant data because it's a very small and selected sample of population, but I didn't expect it. I wasn't expecting any response in particular, just listening. But I've gotten a not large but present minority here who agree to some extent with infidelity, which curiously coincides with the previous survey, and points me one more step towards the view that some non-negligible amounts of people in society consider adultery / infidelity a proper viable option. We are partially the product of our current culture, and views on adultery are not set on stone, they can be different in different periods or societies. Again, I'm not assuming what is happening here is any kind of proof, but it's something curious to observe.
I work in the healh sector. You can assume then that I have a clear policy against sexually transmitted infections, if anyone is wondering. I asked a psychologist friend what does psychology say about adultery / infidelity. He said not much, but he's personally against it, and of course there's therapy to overcome it if needed. I asked why is it so prevalent though, and he said I should ask an anthropologist about it. I agree. I know no anthropologist, I have no anthropology books, maybe I can find something at the library or, if any of you work or study at a campus, you can get a straight answer from some professor; or maybe it's also effective to just search for this info on the internet. I'm just not too interested in researching much further into the subject for now. I checked the DSM-5 / DSM-IV-TR, nothing comes up regarding adultery / infidelity of course, I just checked because I have it handy as I've had to check stuff on it before, having had my fair share of fetishist practices.
So adultery from an anthropological point of view. I don't know why it particularly happens, but I know why deceit happens. Deceit is an adaptive trait gained through evolution to increase chances of success. It is however one of those "parasitic" traits that can't be practiced in all situations, or frequently, or by everyone, because then it's seriously destructive to oneself. I'm reminded of the ethical deontological view that "what you do, should only be done if, were it to be done by everyone in any case, it would be both possible and something you will". I don't agree with this maxim, but it exists.
Deceit is a useful tool, and sometimes it works great, as long as you're not caught. Deceit is like credit you spend from your pool of trust, and something they say about trust is, "It is much harder to gain trust, than it is to lose it." When you get caught, it's a pain in the ass you gotta deal with. It gives me a headache just to think about it. So there's a risk in deceit, and you gotta consider if it's worth the risk. (I'm just glad I don't have to think about this in my main relationship.) And sometimes it is worth the risk for adulterers, and sometimes it isn't but they overestimate their chances of keeping extramarital relationships a secret. That's something that's happened to me before, people think they're more competent than they really are in withholding or masking information (on the internet, it happens en masse). I can't really trust an adulterer will keep our relationship a secret. I haven't so far, as I said earlier, "I just don't give a shit", but, it would be nice if they not only wanted to, but could, keep it secret.
So then there's this hurt husband / wife / partner who hates me, and spreads bad words about me, and I don't really care that much what people think about me, but, you know, being social is a necessity and there is the need to get along with people or else life sucks.
If there's one thing human beings aren't good at, so far, is long term planning. We're not that smart or technologically advanced yet. I don't have a clue what I will be doing in 10 years, or 20 years. I can make a guess, wish something, but I don't really know. We've evolved far enough though to be good at short term planning and reasonably good at middle term planning. We're certainly a lot better at that than the rest of animals. It's a shame, because, "long term", is a whole lot more years than "short term", and if any decision is to be taken considering short, middle and long term effects, the long term effects would weight in a lot more. It's just a lot harder to predict far away in time. Herein lies Garriguette's reasoning of "enlightened long-term self-interest". Maybe I don't particularly care if being a liar the adulterer lies to me, depending on the relationship we have (to give a clear example, if it's John Lee's ludus, i.e. a recreational relationship, I certainly don't care), but it's a thing to consider. But what I'm thinking, is the long term effects of having angry spouses against me, or being a good model for open relationships, or something in between.
kdt26417 says: "Cheating helps undermine the faulty meme of closed relationships ... perhaps. It's just that it also helps establish a precedent of dishonesty, or at least of breaking promises to a partner without negotiating with that partner. If we're going to try to establish (the idea/meme of) non-monogamy in our world, shouldn't we try to establish honest/honorable non-monogamy?" And I agree, we should. This is a decision I believe any polyamorous or open couple should consider, simply because there aren't enough couples like this yet. If we're attempting to make open / polyamorous couples a norm (just like homosexual couples are a norm where I live now), people will look at existing open / polyamorous couples and judge whether it's a good thing or bad thing depending on how those behave. I am not saying open couples must choose to not get involved with closed couples. I'm saying they should consider the implications of doing it in regards to the meme of open relationships, the cultural understanding of open relationships that's being propagated.
I'm seeing now the available market of interpersonal love / sex relationships using concepts of economics. I want to be able to love / have sex with whoever I want and reciprocates, and that means sometimes I step into the monogamous market. I'm offering myself as a product to the consumer of a different product, and if you want your customer to remain faithful to you, you better be good baby. Because I don't believe you are; I am better, and I'm willing to compete. But, I wouldn't like to be forever bound to having to irrupt into a different market. I'd like to have a large enough market to myself where I can comfortably stay in without fiercely fighting for customers. That's what I'd like the future to be like.
It's easy for some to say, "Just forget about monogamous couples and look for singles / polyamorous people". But it happens to be that there are so many fucking monogamous couples out there it's not even funny. And I've lost several lovers or fuckfriends because they got into a closed relationship... It's a constant slight fear I have that makes me uneasy. I'd like this to change.
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