Long distance love

I'm used to long distance relationships. I used to go away for up to 8 months of the year. I could see how it would work for mono/mono and poly/poly, but I don't think it would work for a mono/poly relationship.
 
I'm used to long distance relationships. I used to go away for up to 8 months of the year. I could see how it would work for mono/mono and poly/poly, but I don't think it would work for a mono/poly relationship.

You make a good point. It would seem unbalanced. I guess it would depend on the mono though. I can imagine someone who has something else taking up most of their time could be fine with a relationship where they don't need to feel like they're neglecting their partner, because someone else is there for them too.
 
I can imagine someone who has something else taking up most of their time could be fine with a relationship where they don't need to feel like they're neglecting their partner, because someone else is there for them too.

Very good point! I guess I get caught up in my own belief that no mono could ever be truly comfortable with thier partner bringing new lovers into thier life and the distance would make the unknown unbearable.
 
Very good point! I guess I get caught up in my own belief that no mono could ever be truly comfortable with thier partner bringing new lovers into thier life and the distance would make the unknown unbearable.

It's not terribly comfortable to both be poly and be bringing in new partners while you are apart. Too much unknown.
 
I would like to point out I do believe long distance has its strengths. It does force you to rethink how relationships grow and how communication works.

You need to communicate well. Lets say someone is having a bad day, if you are local you can cuddle, hug and help them better, or back away if need be. With a long distance your level of emotional awareness is almost more acute. You HAVE to understand the person more deeply than a regular relationship and pick up on nuances you can normally ignore when in person. If you lack this raw (and oh boy do I mean raw) honesty than I think LD becomes even more difficult. I will say aggressive honesty is required too. If one side is turtling the other side has to come out looking for answers. It takes a little more work in some ways, but is really rewarding.

Changing your understanding of core growth for a long distance relationship. The usual methods of building a relationship are thrown up in the air and left to fall in odd places. NRE for example is put on hold, or quelled until there are times when you can release it. Dating is retooled to become something different (not more or less, but different), intimacy becomes retooled. It really requires every aspect of your standard relationship to be fluid. If there is any rigidity in how a relationship is thought of, then you are building boundaries that won't bend, they will simply break.

Regardless of distance, true love can thrive in an LDR. I truly believe that. I am in love with SuperJast and right in the middle of a fantastic loving LD relationship now. However it does require both sides to be on board. If one side can't work with the "new" relationship structure, then the relationship can never work. Poly is an "alternative" romantic style, well long distance relationships are simply an alternative relationship style.

Sorry MBG I knwo this doesn't apply directly to your question and is off topic, but it came to me and the thread title does apply. Anyone searching for long distance relationship advice may find this useful...:)

Ari
 
I would like to point out I do believe long distance has its strengths. It does force you to rethink how relationships grow and how communication works.

You need to communicate well. Lets say someone is having a bad day, if you are local you can cuddle, hug and help them better, or back away if need be. With a long distance your level of emotional awareness is almost more acute. You HAVE to understand the person more deeply than a regular relationship and pick up on nuances you can normally ignore when in person. If you lack this raw (and oh boy do I mean raw) honesty than I think LD becomes even more difficult. I will say aggressive honesty is required too. If one side is turtling the other side has to come out looking for answers. It takes a little more work in some ways, but is really rewarding.


Ari

So very true.... LDR's really need complete honesty and openness, especially when discovering that "hello! I just might be a little different inside than I thought I was...." (this coming from one who has been in an LDR for two years LDR = Australia/Canada :p)
 
I would like to point out I do believe long distance has its strengths. It does force you to rethink how relationships grow and how communication works.

You need to communicate well. Lets say someone is having a bad day, if you are local you can cuddle, hug and help them better, or back away if need be. With a long distance your level of emotional awareness is almost more acute. You HAVE to understand the person more deeply than a regular relationship and pick up on nuances you can normally ignore when in person. If you lack this raw (and oh boy do I mean raw) honesty than I think LD becomes even more difficult. I will say aggressive honesty is required too. If one side is turtling the other side has to come out looking for answers. It takes a little more work in some ways, but is really rewarding.

Changing your understanding of core growth for a long distance relationship. The usual methods of building a relationship are thrown up in the air and left to fall in odd places. NRE for example is put on hold, or quelled until there are times when you can release it. Dating is retooled to become something different (not more or less, but different), intimacy becomes retooled. It really requires every aspect of your standard relationship to be fluid. If there is any rigidity in how a relationship is thought of, then you are building boundaries that won't bend, they will simply break.

Regardless of distance, true love can thrive in an LDR. I truly believe that. I am in love with SuperJast and right in the middle of a fantastic loving LD relationship now. However it does require both sides to be on board. If one side can't work with the "new" relationship structure, then the relationship can never work. Poly is an "alternative" romantic style, well long distance relationships are simply an alternative relationship style.

Sorry MBG I knwo this doesn't apply directly to your question and is off topic, but it came to me and the thread title does apply. Anyone searching for long distance relationship advice may find this useful...:)

Ari

This is great, thank you.

While my question originally was how far is long distance - there is so much more to long distance than just *distance*

I am currently talking to a woman in Langley - 2 hours away. Definately NOT long distance, but longer distance than I'd like. However she's really nice, and we get along really well :) So I'm willing to see where it goes :)
 
I am currently talking to a woman in Langley - 2 hours away. Definately NOT long distance, but longer distance than I'd like. However she's really nice, and we get along really well :) So I'm willing to see where it goes :)

Meet in the middle.

I think it is very funny how we judge distance by hours. My cousin used to make fun of me for it, but then he lives out in the sticks of WA.
 
I guess what it really comes down to is that one has to ask how much of a distance is worth the effort. how much money and time can I spend depends on how much one invests.

When we were looking at PN having a LDR with roly it was not going to work out for me. I was not willing to let it slide that his vacation time and our money be spent on him traveling after years of hearing we don't have any money to go on a holiday and I don't have time.

Really there are so many factors and I agree that everyone being on board is the biggest one. As is the honesty in communication. For me, when I had an LDR it taught me how to gauge how much investment I had and how to be very honest. When I began having closer to home relationships it felt like a breeze in comparison for awhile. ;)
 
I'm in a LDR with my man,he is 1 hours plane flight away and fortunately if I book far enough in advance I can get cheap deals. At some point I will move closer to him,not 'with' him as he has 4 children who take up a considerable amount of time.
Communication is absolutely the key,we have had so many ups and downs whe one of us doesn't communicate our needs and desires,but now even if we can't talk by phone,he encourages me to email as often as I like,then he responds.
 
To answer MBG`s question :

Long distance is anytime you cannot just hop in a car, and be where your loved one is. It`s when it takes genuine planning to see them.

Couple of hours or so, isn`t really long distance to me. Just a pain in the ass.

As for all the big 'hooplah' over LDR`s,..

*shrug*,..with all the problems I see around me, it seems but a luxury problem to me. I am a lucky girl, to pay such a small price, to have such a fantastic relationship with someone. So when others bemoan, I just smile and nod. :cool:
 
Sometimes I feel like derby and I have a ldr and then I remember that even if we don't see each other much, if we need to we go out of our way to have a quick cuddle and kiss :)
 
I think it is very funny how we judge distance by hours. My cousin used to make fun of me for it, but then he lives out in the sticks of WA.

I think it makes sense though. The same distance might be different if there is direct access or not, and depending on the method of transportation. If all you have is buses and you need to change buses 3 times and wait an hour at each transfer, it's going to be more impractical than if there is just one going straight there. If you need to take a plane, you'll count the distance in plane hours, but you'll need to get to the airport (hours early) and then from the destination airport to the city or town you're going to. And so on.

I feel a lot of what makes a relationship feel long distance is the available ways to get there. Distance is one problem, but if there is a big mountain you might end up taking a plane rather than go all the way around it. If it's an island you'll need to take a ferry. And so on.
These aren't pure distance but they still make a relationship feel "long distance) because you can't just hop in a vehicle and stay there until you arrive, you need to transfer and it gets impractical, frustrating, and you have more chances of encountering problems and delays.

Also, meeting in the middle can be nice, but then you end up in a place neither of you is familiar with (so you don't know the good places to go to) and need to book a hotel and stuff instead of staying over at each other's places. It's not always the best, I think I'd rather have one person go all the way and alternating.
 
For me I think the LDR designation comes at around 2 hours of driving, or a flight. That makes it impossible to do just an evening "date" and it has to be weekends. The other problem is that with the amount of snow we get, in winter, a 2 hour drive can easily turn into a 4-6 hour drive without much warning. My current OSO is just over an hour away (this is tolerable), my previous one was in NYC and 4 hours away (that was too far for my tastes).

I have pretty much blocked off having LDRs, although it's possible that I may make an exception for someone that was really worth it. In general, though, I want relationships where we can be physically present in each other's lives on something more than a "vacation" basis.

I have met only a few poly folks who live a fair distance from me who, given other circumstances, I would maybe be interested in thinking about an LDR relationship with, but since I didn't get an overwhelming interest from their side, didn't pursue. LDRs miss so much of what I desire in a relationship.
 
I just realized as I sit here craving being near Mono and looking forward to a night at the OH that I am an incredibly tactile and visual person. I don't do well keeping on line friends because I find it hard to not be able to touch them, smell them and see them. With time my contact fades and I don't know how to keep it going. Maybe this is why LDR's don't work for me.

Note: to all my on line friends, I love you, I just don't know how to "be" on here.
 
Maybe this is why LDR's don't work for me.
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I think I explained this in my blog. But you have to use your other love styles more. I am primarily a tactile lover. But I find if I get my second and/or third love style fully active than it is easier. I am not saying LD is without its challenges, but if the person is worth it, adjustments come easily.

I am also not saying LDR's are for everyone. However if you had asked me 7 months ago what I thought of them - I wasn't interested. But its hard to control who you fall in love with, and when its a good thing, its always worth it. :)
 
The main reason the LDR works for me right now is very much related to both of us liking and needing our own space and independence. My SO has 4 children and they take up ALOT of his time,and much as I love children,I don't want to be in their space 24/7 or have them in mine. We(the kids and I) don't know each other well enough for that dynamic to work at this point.
 
Well, my gf is only 22 miles away, a 40 min trip in some city traffic. It doesnt seem LD but now that I am temporarily without a vehicle, it seems too far away!
 
I just realized [...] that I am an incredibly tactile and visual person. I don't do well keeping on line friends because I find it hard to not be able to touch them, smell them and see them. With time my contact fades and I don't know how to keep it going.
RP, that pretty much sums up my take as well - it feels like such an important dimension is (or several dimensions are) missing when I can't physically be with someone.

I really struggle with the "online only"-type thing. Heck, even the "online mostly" thing.... so I have pretty much given up trying.
 
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