Is NRE "a girl thing"?

leelee22

New member
I've been reading (sympathetically!!) some of AnnabelMore's posts about her lover Clay and how much she misses him and had to look up the term NRE -- what a smart term, and what a good way to acknowledge the relative value of the kinds of feelings we have in new AND established relationships-- but it led me to wonder, do men really feel the more challenging side of NRE, or is it a "girl thing"?

Thinking about all my relationships all the way back to high school, I can't remember a lover of mine ever admitting to me that he felt that kind of painful obsession/distraction/desperation at the beginning of a relationship.

I DO remember, of course, some boyfriends whining about having to wait to get together, but it was always from a perspective of "I'm so horny, I might actually DIE". Whereas what annabel describes (and what I know I've experienced, too) is not strictly a sexual thing... more like... "If I could just have ONE hug, and smell his smell, I think I could get through my day".

And I've had boyfriends suddenly get sort of obsessed at a point months or years into the relationship... as though the powerful attachment feelings that seem to come to us women right away (when we find the right guy) take, instead, months or years to develop in a man.

What do you think, guys? Is NRE a girl thing?
 
Hi Leelee,
I can't say in absolute terms that all guys get feelings of NRE, but I can very much attest to the fact that at least some or maybe even many do.

I will however admit that I ( a guy ) am quite prone to be affected by the ever wonderful and tricky NRE bug. :)
 
I think everyone GETS NRE to some extent, but different people express/handle it differently. I don't think it's a man vs. woman issue.
 
Definitely Not Gender Related.

I have watched men fall catastrophically in love with me, with other women, and with other men. Same goes for the ladies. In some ways I feel like it has to do with the strength of both psychological and biochemistry, and others wil how prime/ripe people are for having a romantic experience. Also, having NRE for the first time in years/decades can totally catch a human being by surprise.
 
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I don't think its a gender thing. Its a chemical thing. My husband doesn't feel the giddy intense feelings for anyone ever, only the long term attachment stuff. He can get emotional about sappy stuff; he is sentimental, but not overwhelmed in thought at the beginning of a relationship. It took some getting use to because most guys I've been involved with do feel the giddy newness can't think straight situation.
 
I agree with the above, my SO is just not the get excited kinda guy. He knows that when I'm gone he thinks he misses me, he feels better when I'm home, but he's never gotten the giddy, butterflies feeling. He described it to me once.

When we were first getting together I was excited to see you cause when you put out it was the best sex I ever had so my penis got the butterflies but my head said, this is doable, we can stand her, this is good, lets do it.

Now, knowing this man the way I do, if you we're offended by anything there, you shouldn't be. Literal thinker that he is has developed more of an attachment over the 6 years we've been together the more time went on. The normal ness of our attachment being comfortable and beneficial to us both. We actually cuddle more, talk seriously, plan, and even share ourselves MUCH more than we did at first.
 
I dunno, I DO think there are some things that are gender-specific. But maybe it's not exactly a gender thing,because come to think of it, some of the GAY men I've known have been more likely to report feeling the sort of miserable/tormented side of NRE than the straight men have.

And actually, my last BF was bisexual, and he sometimes talked about a former male lover of his in those sort of longing terms. But I never heard him describe feeling that way about any female lovers. With women, he said all his relationships were those friends-first kind of slow burn relationships that morph from a friendship into something more.

Maybe (some, not all) men are just better at compartmentalizing things... (lol, penis butterflies? That's funny that someone actually said that! But i like it) men seem better than women at putting aside strong feelings instead of wallowing in them.

I am single at the moment, and so I'm taking some time to think about what kind of man would actually make me happy. Men who are really chilly and detached don't appeal to me. I prefer a little emotional recklessness... people who wear their hearts on their sleeve. Emotional courage, maybe.
 
I'm female. I don't get deep into NRE. My gf's husband and his boyfriend both got majorly NRE when they started dating. So no, it's not a chick thing.

I don't really think anything is a biological man vs. woman issue.

She didn't say anything about "biological;" that was your own interpretation.

Acting like a "guy" is a "guy thing" whether you're a cis guy or a trans guy. Acting like a "chick" is a "chick thing" whether you're a cis chick or a trans chick.

Obviously some things are "biological woman" issues, e.g. menstruation is a big one. Awkward erections in the middle of gym class are "biological man" issues. Sure, both of those can be manipulated with chemical and/or hormonal treatments, but those treatments are still part of "the issue."

Anyone who thinks men and women are "the same" and that there aren't "guy issues" and "girl issues" is putting their head in the sandbox. Men and women are different, not just biologically. Sure, much of it is culturally and socially conditioned. But pinpointing the source doesn't fail to make them exist.
 
I would have to say no, it isn't just a girl thing. My boyfriend had some serious NRE with me as well. He would touch me every chance he got (when no one was looking ofcourse since we were in the closet at the time) and actually asked if he was still allowed to hug me after we started dating. He would comment on how he was in "withdrawl" from me and needed Neecy methadone. We are LARPers and he would make reference to tearing up blue tickets in his head (spending Willpower) or locking his desire in a cage to get through the time when he was with me and we had to pretend to be just friends.
 
I'm a guy and I can't speak for others, but I tend to go head over heels at the beginning of a relationship. It's quite a departure from my normal emotional state.
 
I think it's person by person. I typically don't get NRE but then again I haven't met anyone in nearly 5 years that I really liked.
 
What exactly is NRE, actually?

There seems to be two interpretations of NRE going on here.

The one I ususally associate with poly is "I just met someone new and I'm head over heels, and I'm neglecting my existing partner(s) because this new person is so new and exciting!"

But some people seem to be interpreting it as "I just met someone new and I can't stop thinking about them and I'm really excited," which doesn't necessarily mean you're neglecting your existing partners.

I think I always assumed people meant the "neglect" version of it when they talk about "controlling NRE" etc. Because if you're not letting the rest of your life go to crap, what's wrong with getting really excited about someone new? Why should that need to be controlled?
 
The one I ususally associate with poly is "I just met someone new and I'm head over heels, and I'm neglecting my existing partner(s) because this new person is so new and exciting!"

I call that the New Shiny Syndrome :D To me, it's the shadow side of NRE.


In my relationships, NRE has been experienced in equal measure by both sexes.We admit we are addicted to each other, laugh about it, try not to let it rule the roost, and bitch to each other when we are frustrated.For me, It isn't just something that occurs once at the beginning of a new relationship, either. It can re-occur with changes in relationship dynamics.I see my lover with different eyes and I'm smitten all over again.
 
"Because if you're not letting the rest of your life go to crap, what's wrong with getting really excited about someone new? Why should that need to be controlled?"

Because of this, agh: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=44916

Woe is meeeeeeee.

I couldn't finish posting yesterday because I had to go to work. I can commiserate with you.I am in a v with a man who has a heterosexual monogamous wife. We keep our relationship discreet, out of respect for his wife, and because in our community being open about it could very well cost us our employment, so our intimate time together is limited to one day a week and an occasional overnight on weekends at this point, as I currently have roommates.To make matters worse, at this point he is my only partner (I am searching for a woman, but haven't found the right one yet), and I am a person who is used to and enjoys frequent sex, touch, and other acts of affection.

We recently went on a trip together with his wife. It was the best and worst time for us-being able to spend so much time together, but not being able to make intimate contact.Due to circumstances, we ended up not having sex for three weeks, and we were both pretty miserable.

On the trip,he really went out of his way to check in with me and his wife to make sure we were both doing okay.He seemed to be able to sense when I was having a very tough time at times (it's hard work to act like you are a casual friend in the presence of someone you love very much), and would find a moment and a private place to give me a hug and kiss and a few intimate words to reconnect.He did the same with his wife, which was awesome, as we both want her to know that I am not a threat to their relationship.

When we got back and life got crazy to the point we couldn't meet for our day, he texted me a lot and invited me to have lunch with him.He keeps assuring me he is in it for the long run, and that this situation is only temporary until I finish school and can get a place of my own.

Sometimes I miss him so much it physically hurts. It's not just the sex I miss-it's the emotional connection, the conversation,the feel of him, his smell,sleeping next to his warm body and waking up with him in the morning...I'm sure you understand.There have been times when I can't sleep for missing him.

Sometimes I wonder what ever posses me to be poly, lol, but I know that despite the difficulties, it's how I'm wired. My marriage ended because I finally realized I was the only one denying my bi poly nature. My ex had recognized it and demonized it (while hypocritically being a non monogamous cheater himself, and using my admission of my bi nature that I had never acted on as his excuse to cheat).My lover recognized it and encouraged me to embrace it,even though he admits sometimes the idea of me finding my other partner scares him, because he is afraid I will go away.

As if I could, lol. I didn't go looking for this guy, the Universe brought him to me.We have so many things in common it's scary. Yet we have enough differences to make life interesting.It's hard and frustrating at times loving him (I clean when I am frustrated, and my house is VERY CLEAN, lol), but I just can't NOT have him in my life, so I live for and cherish the moments.

Lol-and I have had phone sex for the first time in my life;)
 
I definitely get NRE, but then I'm also accused of being the girl in the relationships :)
 
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