Redpepper's journey

Was the sex on the couch a boundary break or did it just unnerve him? My fiance heard my deep breaths (supposedly) over a loud movie I was playing while Budkep and I slept together one night when we all came to visit him. It was not a boundary break, but it did freak him out. It came down to dealing with the emotions of it, but also accepting that this is going to happen seeing as he wanted us to all move in together too.

Also, have you thought about if there is any connection to not wanting to live with mono and his break up with Roly?
 
Not to hijack but...

Polynerdist has been pretty vulnerable lately, due to things in his life. As a result, we feel it as a collective and it impacts everyone from Redpepper to Derbylicious. That's the way we work.

Moving in is not a need for me. Ensuring Redpepper and Polynerdist have a solid foundation is. Full stop. I am happy no matter where I am, especially if I get to have Redpepper in my life, knowing she has a good relationship with her husband, first and foremost.

The living room sex is a straw on the camel's back, but hardly one that will break it. We're way too strong and mature to bend that easy. People are raw right now, which makes everything seem a lot more severe.

Back to your regularly scheduled blog, my love. :)

See you in a few minutes. Coffee is on!
 
I hate to have to say it, but it was a boundary break. An old one that we had at the beginning when he didn't want to know those details about our sex life. I assumed things had changed for him. Never assume, RP, never. Always ask. *slaps forehead*! Since back then we all three have had sex on that couch and he has agreed and has been privy to all kinds of details about what Mono and I do in our D/s life and otherwise, that I can't repeat here. Now all of a sudden, it's an issue because they will be happening at OUR house and not at the OH. Well, in our basement apartment.

Yes, I do think it has to do with what has been going on with roly. Most definitely. He has a need for love and companionship from others, just as I do. She was the second of two women he has fallen for that have ended it. He hasn't recovered and has chosen to revert back to the past emotionally to make it easier for himself. I get that and understand it's hurting him and he needs time.

For me though, having waited and asked for what I needed for so long, to have it all go backwards is very difficult. I have compromised for a long time. Compromising only works for a short period of time before it just doesn't, and something has to give. To be told that I need to stay home more, and not be able to do what I feel comfortable with in my own home is stifling. I was already feeling that way after asking for my own space in the form of my own room. I'm asking to merge my two lives. It is not happening, and now I am more stifled with these requests to wait.

I'm waiting, I'm waiting... What else can I do? I can't promise to be all connected and lovey with him. But I can wait. The thing is he needs me to be connected. Yet the waiting is making me uninterested and resentful. I would love to be able to just put it on and fake it until I make it, but today, I can't. Today I am lashing out, and I think I have a right to some of that.
 
I feel your pain, RP. It's a tough spot to be in when you need to care for someone else and your own needs conflict with what they they feel you should be doing to comfort them. I've been in situations before where it felt like I was getting sucked into the black hole of their despair, instead of me pulling them out into the sunshine. I'm not saying that this is what you should do, but sometimes you have to put a foot down and say, "It's time you take a shower, get some fresh air, see some people, stop being a zombie. I love you very much and I feel your pain, but you've got to stop taking it out on me. I need to be happy too, so that I don't resent you when you find your happiness again."

As for the boundary break, it happens when it's an old one. People are imperfect and forgetful. Time will heal that. It seems to be the lesser of the issues at the moment. (((hugs)))
 
To me, it appears that you may be spreading yourself a bit thin. Just what you mentioned here makes my head spin, but I don't like to be super busy.

I know as a homebody, just trying to live with and keep track of someone "I think" is too busy makes me irritable. I have also been know to lash out because I am jealous about how dh can juggle so much and remain sane. I know it's unreasonable and not healthy for our relationship.
 
Last edited:
Cataloging

I think it is important to catalog all the positive things we have achieved. When I look at the list of things I see us having, it greatly diminishes the list of things I don't.

1) Your son is happy and healthy and embraces all of us as family.
2) All people care for each other in our constellation. There is no faking.
3) We are completely open with all our families. A hard-fought struggle. But one that your parents have come to embrace wholeheartedly. This is a huge achievement. It that pitted us up against allegations of poor parenting, and child abuse on my part. And yet we remain.
4) Each of us is self confident/self sustaining and medication free.
5) We are physically healthy and capable.
6) We help each other make time for ourselves and as couples willingly.
7) We share common values of communication and the willingness to be vulnerable to each other.
8) We trust each other to the point of sharing care of the one person who is most important and the greatest responsibility, your son.

As far as poly families go, I am proud of what we have already achieved. Frankly, I am amazed at times. We've formed bonds for life, no matter what happens.
 
RP, you've had some great things to say on my blog and wish I had something comforting to tell you.

From what Mono posted, it looks like you guys have all made great strides in your time together. It's a rough patch in an otherwise happy and healthy road. Do you take time for you? Reading, a bath, meditation? I can't begin to tell you how that had helped me in these last few months. Clearing my head and taking a break for me time has brought a whole new awareness to how to solve the issues Karma and I have faced.

I'm glad you're using the forum to express things and work things out. You've been a great help so many of us. I hope we can return the favor.
 
As far as poly families go, I am proud of what we have already achieved. Frankly I am amazed at times. We've formed bonds for life, no matter what happens.

Bravo, Mono. Very well put. You guys have a great thing going. No need to focus on the negative, even though it is sometimes easy to do. :)
 
In the mean time Derby's husband is home. I'm so glad she is taken care of and I am not in the way of her needs being met also.

*tear* :(

NEVER EVER think that you are in the way of my needs being met. Hubby and I are in a good stable place and although I don't see him much I have lots to give to both of you.
 
Just like to add my thoughts and best wishes to you all through what must be a very hard time. You guys give so much to everyone else, it is not at all surprising there has been so much concern for you in return.

There is obviously no magic bullet that will sort the pain. It has just made me remember that one of my biggest fears about poly was always "Where will this end up?" I guess maybe that's what Polynerdist is facing now.

Although at present Z's OSO isn't interested, his dream is to have the three of us living together. He sees that as his ultimate. Oddly, it doesn't worry me too much. Other things would worry me more. Although he has made promises, when you're dealing with intimacy and love, you never really know where or how things could end up.

When I accepted Z's polyamory, I also accepted the old adage, "When you love something, set it free. If it comes back it is yours. If it doesn't it never was." And just as importantly, if we hold on too tightly we can crush and kill that which we love.

You're the one being held onto and it's a crushing experience. I have learnt, however unpalatable, that when something is really causing me grief the best way through it is to engage with it more fully, more completely, more positively. I know, the last thing you probably want to hear, but it works in quite surprising ways.

Here endeth the ramble. :)
 
You guys give so much to everyone else.

Agreed.

I'm glad that journalling is helping you feel better. It's important that you take measures to care for yourself during the time that Polynerdist needs to feel better.

I'm glad that your boy has Mono in his life. It sounds like such a positive influence. Like he means so much to your boy. When I heard that you were considering cutting Mono out of his life, I just felt like it would be such a travesty to remove this man that he loves so much. I'm happy that Polynerdist was against it.
 
Thanks, everyone, for all your support, questions and concerns. Writing on here is really helping me figure stuff out. I appreciate that.

We had a rough night. We had to lock ourself in various rooms from our boy, as he was following us around telling us to stop talking. He gets so upset and it makes us upset that he is upset, which adds nothing to the conversation at hand. We eventually had a good chunk of time when we settled him in his room with his DS and new video game.

In a nutshell, Nerdist wanted his wife back. He said that he didn't want to do poly anymore and feels he has lost me forever. He wanted to be with me all the time, me only. And he wanted me to want the same. He thought that if I didn't, then I didn't really love him. That was it in a nutshell, from what I could gather.

We went through a long process of figuring out and negotiating what that would look like. What I could and could not do. What was really at the root of all of it for him and me. We talked about everything, from my email yesterday and what feels like a good fit for him in regards to Mono, to my showing him our calendar and how it is really filled with family, play dates for our boy, dates with him and Mono and events that we go to together. Apart from poly events that he isn't interested in anymore, there was really nothing to remove.

Way back when, I asked, after it was evident that roly was no longer, if he wanted me to be present for the next while and hold space and witness his mourning for roly, holding him, listening to him, consoling him. But he said no, I should carry on as usual. I did for a time, until I could see that I needed to make my own decision about that and make myself available. I cleared my slate as much as I could by putting poor Derby on hold until further notice, and did not go to events and hang with friends. This act fell on deaf ears, it seems, as he thought I wasn't available at all and got angry and jealous that I had other partners and a life going on that didn't include him. He thought I didn't love him any more as a result.

I told him that while I felt like he had put our relationship on hold for some time, while in NRE with roly, I had not gone anywhere or changed anything from before that. I was waiting for his NRE to end and settle so that we could work on a balance. Because a relationship with her was taken from him by her suddenly moving and not telling him, there was a elasticated twang back to me, in the form of wanting to be mono, it seemed.

We are finding the balance again.

I was also angry and resentful that talks of Mono moving in with us had stopped and had been put on hold, yet again, because of his NRE and subsequent lack of interest. It's hard to feel connected and bonded with someone you resent and are angry with. It's even harder to want to support them when you are pissed off and feel neglected.

So, where are we now? What it boiled down to was that he needs to be connected with me, as I do with him. How do we achieve that? In the past, we have fed our boy early and had dinners together. We have set aside a half hour a day to talk and be present. We have had date nights that had some thought to them, even if we didn't have a need to connect, because we were feeling connected already.

It wasn't fair of him to say that he has been miserable the whole time, as he first indicate. That just isn't true. We have had moments before that have led us to feeling a lack of connection and we've gotten back to what we needed to do. It's not good when we are not spending the time it takes on what makes us feel connected. That is the bottom line. When we spend that time, we are good. Full stop.

Now it's business as usual, paying attention to the things we need to do to feel connected.

On the housing issue, I have told him that I no longer want to talk about it. As far as I am concerned, it won't happen. I need to adjust and find ways to get my need met for space and being at home with my family all together. That is the base need I have in the moving thing. I will work on that.

In the meantime, I don't want to hear about it any more from him. If he wants to talk about it, he can talk to Mono. If they make a plan and have an idea, they can inform me about their idea. I have given all I can give to the topic, all my ideas and thoughts. I have nothing more to say on it. It's quite a relief to be done with it. I'm actually quite excited that I can make a plan now on my own. I wonder what that will bring. More to come, I'm sure :)

My concern now is that roly will read this and tell him that I have talked about him on here. I haven't told him, but at the same time I haven't said anything that he and I haven't talked about. I suspect that he won't like it, because after all, who likes others to know that they are vulnerable and not doing well? I am ready to take that on with him, if need be, because this is where I largely get my support. It has been helpful talking here and is hopefully helpful to others.

I really don't know what's going on with roly. It seems like she is having a good time sitting on beaches and enjoying her new life. She doesn't talk to me and hasn't for a long time. I am happy for her, though. I really am. I don't think she realized, as I didn't, just how much Nerdist invested in her loving him. I don't think she realized the implications for all of us when she entered his life.

It makes me angry that she has caused this wake in our pond. But really, how does anyone really know all this stuff ahead of time? It's a note to myself to never think that my involvement in other people's lives makes no difference. It's huge. The waves on that pond could be huge when I make decisions that affect others. Perhaps if she reads this, she will realize that, too.

My hope is that she leaves this alone. It's my business with Nerdist now. I request that she talk to me first before talking to him about this thread. I hope she is just his friend. That would make him so happy.
 
You still sound all over the place emotionally. I'm glad to see that some of it seems more positive, kind of like a patch of blue sky in the clouds. The date nights and just that little bit of time every day go a long way towards reconnecting. I'm glad PN is talking to you about what he needs, sounds to me that what he needs is to feel special. Some of that can come from you but some of it has to come from within him as well. (I'm speaking as the one that was having those feelings not too long ago). I think that sometimes we all want it to be all about us for a while and right now I think that's what he wants. Of course this is coming through the lens of Derby and might be totally out to lunch!

What I know of you though is that it would crush you to lose either PN or Mono as part of your day to day life. They are both so much a part of you that you would be a little bit less of you without either of them. When you are all together and just living there is a light inside you. It's part of what I love about you. You're not pretending to be something that you're not. Keep on talking and listining to each other and you'll get there.

-Derby
 
In all fairness

So has he decided he is no longer poly?

I just started to think about a few things. There was the mention of Polynerdist not seeing any benefit of me in his life. So I put myself in his shoes from the perspective of what is different between when I met them and now.

When I met them, they were much more open to other relationships and experiences. Redpepper had a lot of dating on the go and things moving towards becoming intimate relationships. She and Polynerdist were exploring swinging as a couple, exploring other couples as a couple and went to BDSM events together. Since I have come into their lives, Polynerdist and RP have, in fact, missed out on shared experiences because of my criteria or boundaries. He no longer participates in BDSM events. They no longer explore forming shared relationships as a couple. No doubt I have taken away from their relationship as a couple. A lot of the things they once did to bond are gone from his life. I can see why that's an issue.

I have always maintained that I need to be a positive in their lives and help their relationship flourish to remain in this relationship as an intimate partner. My boundaries/criteria have not changed, nor do I expect them to. So from my perspective, the one benefit I seem to bring to their intimate relationship is confinement. Hmm. Not sure if that is such a positive.

More thinking to do. Work work work. But it's for the sake of family and love, so it's worth it. :)
 
Dear Mono -

Not trying to be Debbie Downer, but perhaps it's time to think about "reshaping your love".

Disclaimer: it makes no difference to ME; but you have said that was what you would feel compelled to do if necessary.

Sincerely,

- M
 
Mono, it is not your responsibility to bring anything to their intimate relationship. I can see where you are coming from about your boundaries taking something away. He obviously agreed to these at some point for them to be in effect. You should bring this up with him, see if he sees it the same way as you do, and if not, then it's another thing to rule out.

I haven't been there, so I don't know a thing, but honestly, it seems that this is a version of swearing off women/men when one gets their heart broken. He is looking at everything through jaded eyes, seeing turmoil where he once found peace, because the world is an ugly place that has broken his heart.

I really feel that no life changes should be made when one is grieving or in a high emotional state of mind. I've learned that lesson the hard way and now I stick to it, right down to when I am PMSing (TMI). If it's truly important during an emotional time, it will still be important in a few days/weeks/months.

Getting rid of poly will not heal his heart from what roly has done. You leaving will not renew his faith and happiness. Nothing will bring her back. Swearing off anything will only bring more heartache and loneliness, which is exactly what someone who is swearing off something is trying to protect themselves from.
 
Not trying to be Debbie Downer, but perhaps it's time to think about "reshaping your love".

No Debbie Downer felt. This would be as much a family decision as it would be mine now. We're all in deep. I have to trust in the words of those I love.
 
Mono, it is not really your responsibility to bring anything to their intimate relationship. .

We're all just raw right now. This happens, and we eventually express ourselves fully to reach a new level, normally. I think we as a family are just experiencing something relatively new and foreign to us, mourning.
 
Exactly, Mono! No one should be turning anyone else's world upside down until the dust settles. Someone, you, Redpepper, or even both, need to step outside of it, to a certain extent, and be his calm within the storm. His voice of reason. His guiding light.
 
Back
Top