How do I continue on as a secondary without a primary?

PaperGrace

New member
Hello all. I am new to forum posting, but not to forum reading. I've been reading voraciously since starting this journey. I also attend the local poly group meetings. I appreciate the care and compassion that I see in this group, in addition to the thoughtful debates. I’m still a little nervous.

As background - I am newish to poly. I dated once in the poly scene before meeting my current boyfriend. My SO and I have been together for a little over a year since the first “I love you.” He has a live-in partner (by description, primary), and two girlfriends in addition to me. I am his only partner without her own primary relationship. I will note that we don’t use hierarchical terms like primary/secondary, I’m simply using them for short-hand descriptors.

I see my SO on a scheduled day once a week starting in the evening through the following morning. He usually needs to leave before I technically have to get up. I usually end up sacrificing a good bit of sleep when I see him since we have such concentrated time together and we try to make the most of it. We also see each other in group settings 2-4 times during the month for events, like poly group meetings.

Here is my current struggle. I love him and we are awfully good together, however, this relationship can’t meet some significant needs for me. Now that the NRE has worn off, the excitement of him walking in the door no longer makes up for the fact that I don’t have a partner to share my day to day life with, someone who I can take to my office Christmas party (my workplace is conservative), or someone with whom I have a foreseeable future. This is not his fault, or my fault, or his OSO's faults (they are bright and kind women whom I trust and admire), or polyamory’s fault. It’s simply the way things are. I am in a loving and supportive, if limited, relationship, but I am lonely.

Here is my question: how do I stay in a relationship that on a fundamental level doesn’t work and leaves me wanting? If this were a monogamous relationship where we would never set up our own household and I couldn’t include him in my social activities, I would move on and date someone who was more available. If I couldn’t plan a future with a man I had been dating for over a year (regardless if that future came to pass or not), I would admit to myself that we weren’t compatible enough for a long term relationship and begin the search for a lifetime companion anew.

I imagine if I found a primary, this equation would change. I am looking and have looked for a long time. Since I cannot make my decisions based on a hypothetical primary who may or may not suddenly appear at an unknown time, I have to strive to be happy now, which sadly I am not.

If you found yourself in this situation: how would you justify staying? How would you justify leaving? Both scenarios have me hurting.
 
I spent several years in your exact situation, albeit with more than one partner to whom I was "secondary". My advice to you (and what I in fact did) to cope with needs unmet is this: evaluate each relationship on its own merit, not on what you hope it might become under future circumstances. Decide if you are happy with it NOW under its current limitations and benefits. This is really what poly is all about.

If it works for you now, then great! It's a relationship that's working.. no need to fix or leave it. If it's not working, then figure out why not and maybe you can address changes with your partner. If the reason it's not working is because you only want a primary relationship, then poly (or at least being poly as a secondary partner) is very likely not for you.

One final word: become your own best friend, your own primary partner, and love yourself as much as you would a partner. This can help a lot with figuring out and fulfilling needs. Many needs we have are actually best fulfilled by ourselves and not a partner (surprise!) so the gift of time alone is actually very precious.

Good luck, and remember that not even a primary relationship can protect you from feeling lonely if you're not already secure about sometimes being alone. :)
 
I have a few friends who are not poly but single and often not dating. They rely on friends and a solid group of chosen family to go with them to staff parties, family events etc. I admire that they are in it together and regardless of their relationship status. Perhaps creating community out of friends and chosen family would help. Being creative about who is close to you might mean that your unfulfilled need is met more regularly and your relationship with your boyfriend can stay intact at the same time.
 
One final word: become your own best friend, your own primary partner, and love yourself as much as you would a partner. This can help a lot with figuring out and fulfilling needs. Many needs we have are actually best fulfilled by ourselves and not a partner (surprise!) so the gift of time alone is actually very precious.

This.

Being unsatisfied as a secondary seems not so different from being unsatisfied with singledom. You need your life to be fulfilling and satisfying in and of yourself, not tied to being partnered to someone. When you have that, then your relationship status will only enhance your life, instead of trying to give it meaning.
 
Why or how did you become poly?

Once you started dating the current guy did you stop looking for other relationships.

How did the time split get worked out? 4 girls 7days

How old are you?
 
Why do you have to leave the relationship in order to seek a primary? Is your SO requesting that limitation? Or do you fear that having the relationship as a secondary will make it difficult to find a primary? I don't see why they are mutually exclusive.
 
Is this relationship preventing you from finding what you want?
 
Geminigirl basically said most of what I was going to.

1- If you see this person once a week, there's no reason that on those other 6 days a week why you can't be going out dating (just like most single people do, poly or mono) and eventually meet that ideal primary partner.

2- Until that happens, make yourself your own primary. (This is where I currently am myself.)

3- Get some hobbies and friends that share those hobbies to fill up any alone time.

I've been single for six months now about and while I haven't met anyone that I can see as a primary, there are two that I can visualize being a secondary partner to. And that's great---that's better than completely single, ya know? I say while you work to find your ultimate goal, there's no reason not to enjoy what you DO have! ;)
 
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Justification for staying: If you're sad because you're lonely, how will removing an intimate relationship from your life help that in any way?? Seems totally counter productive. In what way would it make you happier? It would be like if you had a close friend who you couldn't see very often, and you wanted a best friend who could hang with you every day, so you stopped being friends with the close friend. Just sort of a sad non sequitor.

Justification for leaving: If you think that having a secondary partner is making it harder for you to find a primary, then it would make sense to go.
 
If you think that having a secondary partner is making it harder for you to find a primary, then it would make sense to go.

This is the ONLY reason I can think of (based on the info given) that would be a reason for you to end the relationship. It seems to me that you are happy with him, you just aren't necessarily satisfied with other aspects of your life. You say you are looking and have been for a while... What avenues have you been using? Would you ending the relationship with your bf open up other possibilities? Would you consider moving to another area where you might find someone(s) with whom you're more compatible?

I'm agreeing with most people who've responded. Find close friends/family who can help you with the day-to-day until a primary relationship develops. Pick up a new hobby or find a group who shares a hobby/interest that you already have. Focus on figuring out what exactly WILL make you happy before making an drastic changes.
 
I'm going to give some different advice here:

It sounds like this guy is no longer meeting your needs or making you happy. You should break up with him.

If you eventually find a primary of your own and feel like your life would be more enriched by having the first guy as a secondary again, you could try getting back together with him then.

But right now, it sounds like seeing this guy once a week is making you feel MORE lonely and unfulfilled than you would if you were fully single.

Other suggestions:

Change what you two do on your once-a-week night together. Go out places and talk more rather than just having him come over for a sleepless night of hot sex (if that's largely what's happening).

Change your attitude so that you identify as single-and-seeking-a-primary-partner (like tons of people, both mono and poly). Put effort into dating and meeting new people. Then, if you feel like being a secondary to this guy once a week will still be fun and enriching, you can keep doing it while you are also dating other people.

My own attitude is the opposite of yours--I don't want a primary partner and I would be happy to be someone's secondary. I need a lot of alone time. The energy, time, and passion that other people put into a primary relationship, I put into my writing. I consider myself my own primary--and I think that's awesome and it makes me really happy.

I find it irritating having a boyfriend involved with my daily life. And I would never inflict my dull office Christmas party on anyone I was dating!

But it sounds like the dynamic works best for your boyfriend if his secondary girlfriends have primaries of their own.
 
What's all this "until" business? Make yourself a primary "until" you find someone else...

No!

Make yourself your own primary PERMANENTLY. Always be at the top of the list of people you love. Anything else is codependency. This comes back to the notion that you have to truly "be" happy single... not just faking it so you can trick potential partners into thinking you've got your life together.
 
Thanks to everyone for their time and input. So many questions! I’ll do my best to answer them all. If I have overlooked your question, prod me and I’ll go back and answer it. **I see there have been more responses while I was composing this one. Yay. I'll post this now then see if I need to do some catching up.**

@Geminigirl, I hear you that a primary partner is not the solution in and of itself. Heaven knows, I’ve had my share of bad primary partners (and a few good ones along the way, too). Even now, I’m not done looking for someone to share much more of my life with.

My partner and I have been discussing where I’m stuck and he’s helping me to work it out. He wants me - - to be happy, whether that means I am staying or going. It’s one of the reasons I love him. I’d be crazy to leave, right?

@redpepper, I do have a busy life and surround myself with lots of friends. Outside of work, I play team sports 2-3 times a week, I sit on a Board, I’ve got what I would consider 3 circles of friends outside of the poly community and they keep me up to date on the latest food, art, movies, you name it. They’re great. I do rely on them at times, as they rely on me.

@ShrodingersCat, you’re right, it is not that different from being unfulfilled and single and that’s certainly a reason to stay in the relationship. Since I am in a relationship, it does take work to not wrap up this relationship with my additional needs. I don’t want to drag down a good relationship because I’m lonely. It’s not his fault and it’s not his responsibility to fix me, it’s mine. On the flip side, pretending to be energetic when I’m feeling down and want more seems false and not fair to either of us.

I will say that I’ve been single before, and I’m pretty good at it. However, I can’t get used to being single again when I’m not.  I would love to be able to just get used to the new normal of a “partial” relationship. I am familiar with all or nothing. Maybe these are poly growing pains. It’s a new normal I’ve never seen in a tv show or read about in a book. I do wish the adjustment was going more smoothly.

@dingedheart, about 2 years ago, I joined a community in which there is a sizably poly population. Because of this, I gained poly friends and learned about poly. It was a lifestyle that made a lot of sense to me. I do believe that love it plentiful, I’m not possessive about my love or my partners, I don’t believe in “The One,” just in varying levels of compatibility, and I can see each relationship in it’s own context. That said, I didn’t specifically seek out a poly relationship. I don’t feel I am hardwired for either monogamy or polyamory. I just want to be happy. Anyway, I met my SO as a play partner and we clicked on a deeper level. I have no illusions of trying to make my partner into my primary, he’s got a great life and it’s in nobody’s best interest to mess it up. 

As above, I have not stopped looking for other partners. Where are the guys who are my perfect match?!? (Tongue stuffed firmly in cheek.)

As for time, each of the 3 girlfriends gets an evening/overnight during the week. I keep to a more regular schedule. His other girlfriends have tougher schedules to work around, but the ideal is a night for each of us. The rest of the time defaults (for lack of a better word) to his live-in primary. There are weekend days and evenings that his primary prefers to reserve with him and we respect that. Sometimes we’re all together, as we were at Thanksgiving. He certainly values his overlap time with us, and I can see why!

I am 38 years old and I don’t have kids. Because of this, my freedom is something I am valuing less and less, and regular companionship and a foreseeable future have moved up in the relationship needs column. Some of my loneliness may very well be what I jokingly call my Pre-menopausal Mid-life Crisis.

@bookbug and BigGuy, my SO is not stopping me from dating others. The only way this relationship would prevent me from starting another is if the new guy isn’t poly. How to explain that one? But that’s another thread and I’m pretty sure I’ve read it. 

A number of you have talked about being a better primary to myself. That is fantastic advice and I will work on it. It’s been rough going lately. Where’s my happiness, dang it?

@AnnabelMore, In the realm of intimate relationships, I am getting love and affection from a partner, but am left wanting more. I wonder if what’s lacking is more salient, in part because of the other pieces I am getting. (I can have a slice of pie, but not more, even if I’m still hungry – sort of) I ask myself if it would be easier to just go back to being single. Seems crazy, but at least that I have some experience in. I get that these are emotional, not logical arguments. (At least, right now I get a slice of pie.) I thought most of the poly work would be done by the persons with multiple relationships. I only have one and it’s work right now! (I don’t know how my SO manages!)

It’s not fair to my SO to treat him like he’s a stop gap along the way to getting all of my wishes fulfilled. That’s certainly not how I feel about him. I love him and want to respect his feelings as best I can. I want to appreciate this relationship for what it is and not resent it for what it’s not. It’s not easy compartmentalize like that – which has led me to wonder as Geminigirl said, if poly is right for me. Or maybe I just need to work harder at feeling good about this new normal.

If only The Facts Of Life had had an episode about this…

Thanks guys. Again, if I missed your question, point me back to it.
 
But right now, it sounds like seeing this guy once a week is making you feel MORE lonely and unfulfilled than you would if you were fully single.

Boy, does that hit home. It doesn't seem logical to me, but that's the wrestling match right there.

Is this a case of the grass being greener on the single side of the fence? Is this just me not being poly? Or not appreciating what I have? Is it more important to find someone to fulfill my needs instead of struggling to stay in an sometimes unfulfilling relationship? In which direction lies happiness?

I expect the answer is, "it depends." But I appreciate everyone's experiences.

@Meera, I'm happy that you're happy!
 
PaperGrace, I do hear where you're coming from.. One of the biggest concerns I had when I was a "professional secondary" (for lack of a better term -- I wasn't, however, getting paid for it :rolleyes: ) was that my loneliness would affect my perfectly good relationships with my partners. My solution (one that they in fact helped me figure out) was to talk to them a LOT about my feelings and ask them for suggestions and support while I worked through my issues. They were fantastic about it, too -- so fantastic that when I did find a partner who is now more of a primary to me in terms of time and energy, they welcomed him warmly and gave me the extra time I needed to nurture that relationship.

It's true that time is limited, but partners are partners for a reason, and one of the biggest is their commitment to supporting and reassuring us when we're dealing with tough emotions and decisions, no matter how much facetime we actually have with them. I can't urge you strongly enough to be open with your sweetie (and maybe even his other partners, if you feel close to them). Intimacy is born of openness, and so long as you're not expecting your partner to solve your problem but rather expecting him to listen, love and support you while you find your way, this should not affect a good poly relationship in a harmful way at all.

Good luck! It sounds like you're really working on things in the best way possible. :)
 
Have tried to date others in the past year?

Would you like a full time partner? Do you want wake up next to someone every morning?

How often do you talk or communicate now.
 
Poly might not be right for you. I'm glad to hear you are thinking of that. If you find yourself in need of much more than you are getting and you want someone in your life that spends more time with you, doing things you both love together, reaching some life goals and is also there for you for the long haul, then perhaps monogamous bf's are a better bet for now or maybe always.

I don't think that one has to stay poly all their lives, for some it isn't an option and they always will have many loving partners that they are devoted to and have sex with, but for some its a passing part of the journey of their life and changes in time and circumstance. Sometimes it changes back again. I can totally see poly as an option until such time as a monogamous relationship is needed and sought after. Both options are valid. Deciding what is right for you is what is important.

I think you could still love and spend time with your bf and your metamours and still be in his life but end the partnership aspect. He sounds very busy with several people, I can imagine that the time factor would be a big one and maybe its better to be loving friends instead.
 
I don't know how close you are to your bf's other secondary gfs, but it certainly sounds that in regard to your bf, they are in the same situation time-wise. Given that you all had Thanksgiving together, it sounds like you might be close enough to discuss your situation with them. Get their input. Perhaps given they could offer some insight as well.
 
'Partial' relationships

PG,

In an earlier post, you mentioned partial relationships - this really resonates with me. A lover, SW, ended our sexual relationship because he did not want partial relationships. He is looking for a primary partner too. I would have preferred keeping our sexual relationship but he could not reconcile seeing me and looking for a main partner. It was hurtful and disorientating for him. You may have similar feelings. It may be necessary for you to be truly single to feel comfortable looking for a primary partner. It was for SW. Some people do great being secondaries while having no primary partner. Some people don't want primaries. Others do fine being a secondary if they have a primary of their own. (I suspect I may fall into this category.) Still others have multiple primaries or don't acknowledge hierachial relationships at all. If it proves necessary for you to end the sexual and/or emotional parts of your relationship with your SO, I'm sure he won't be happy about it but he will support you and understand why you need to take this step. I did and SW and I remain very good friends.
 
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