Having new words is the first small but critical step towards changing the culture. We have had the term compersion, for quite some years now, but most polyamorous folx are still taking baby steps when it comes to appreciating their lovers other lovers, much less being excited about them or feeling really good about them. - Paxus Calta http://paxus.wordpress.com/
I actually thought about this when I woke up this morning. Since it is the dishonesty that you felt was her biggest offense, how is it that she should've learned not to honestly express her feelings about another guy? Obviously she wasn't saying that she and Bob had the exact same love she shares with you, but that there was the same "kind of" thrill, spark, and excitement, which she recognized. Feeling that taught her something about how to know if there is something more substantial to pursue. But that is now an offense to you, too? Do you want her to discover these things about herself or not? You remarked that his overt declarations about what he wanted to do with her sexually is even more of a reason to think that the weekend would have been a disaster all around with him, too. This is a big "tell" on your part, about what's really bothering you.She spends a good bit of time romanticizing another potential fuck buddy, Bob. Has she learned nothing from all of this?
What you really said is that you felt "the exact same thing" you have with me. Really? You thought I would be amazed by that? Excited even? You talked to some random dude for a couple of hours and found exactly what we have built over six years? How cheap is what we have?
I wonder if you would rather have had VC come home from that weekend without any sexual experiences or romantic feelings toward anyone at all. She would still have been this shy, insecure woman you get to "nurture" into becoming enlightened how you see fit, somehow. I think it would behoove you to explore at a deeper level how you really feel about opening up the relationship both sexually and emotionally. It sounds like that's an idea that appeals to you but the reality does not.
The sun is shining today and there is too much to be grateful for; I can't sit around and mentally masturbate all day long! I just can't, for my own sanity. I'm trying to let go of the resentments, because they are eating me alive.
Cindie, you're beating a dead horse on this. Your take on our relationship is so far off base, neither of us responds to it, but still you persist. Sorry, but repeating these ideas over and over and over is really not helping anyone.
I'm not beating a dead horse, nor persisting about anything. There are two threads, you know. One is addressed to you, the other VC. It was simply a suggestion on something to look at. No need to get all defensive. If you don't think some more inner exploration about what you want or expect from poly is necessary, then don't do it.
I don't prefer swinging. You could count our swinging dates on one hand. It's not the deeper connection that hit me, it's the LIES AND BROKEN TRUST!!!
There would have been a lot to process here, that much is obvious. It was our first real poly experience, our first solo experience, it was 400 miles away and for 8 days! Add to that our personal histories. Outside of our few swinging experiences, each of us could count our romantic and sexual partners on one hand as well! How many people have come on here all broken up over a simple first date? This was a lot bigger than that!
And anyone looking at the situation would have known that, right? Who would have expected it not be an emotionally complex situation? Only person I know who saw it that way was veganchick. She was WRONG! Even more than me, SHE wasn't ready to handle this situation!
That is what led us to where we are today. I never had a chance to accept her week with Paul for what it was, never had a chance to process it in any reasonable or rational way. All I got was a huge shitpile of lies, deceit and broken trust and was left to figure it all out in the midst of that.