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  #11  
Old 10-24-2017, 06:37 PM
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FallenAngelina FallenAngelina is offline
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Originally Posted by tmw0602 View Post
...married women may have a harder time finding men who want to be involved in a deeper way with someone who is poly. Outside sex is fine and easily found, but long-term relationships with deep connections seem harder. For men, however, it looks like there are any number of women who are willing to "go deep" with someone who is already attached, so males in poly relationships don't struggle as much to find girlfriends (as opposed to just sex partners).
I don't see this as a theme in poly at all. We have threads here regularly started by married men whose wives are enjoying long term relationships while they struggle to find one other attachment. We have one going now, but married or partnered women rarely start discussions in which their husbands are having an easier time of it. I'm not sure how you came to this conclusion that married men can easily find women for a poly relationship while married women struggle. Long time love is lighting in a bottle for everyone and I disagree that it's easier for one or the other to find.


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Originally Posted by MsEmotional View Post
In my limited experience, I have not observed women having a harder time finding long-term partners. Of the poly people I know in real life, married women have easily found long-term partners and married men have had difficulty finding lasting relationships -- despite this being what they are seeking.
This is also what I observe in the in-person poly couples that I know. The men are fabulous, but struggle to discover women who are willing to take them seriously. There's kind of a poly stereotype of a man with a stable of devoted "females," but my in-person experience is that the men end up watching from the side lines far more often than their mates.
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Last edited by FallenAngelina; 10-24-2017 at 06:45 PM.
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  #12  
Old 10-24-2017, 06:51 PM
tmw0602 tmw0602 is offline
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In addition to a few things I've read here, I think the biggest thing that gave me that initial impression is the ever-present stereotype of the married man who has a girlfriend or many girlfriends throughout his marriage, all of whom hang on for years and years in a separate relationship with him, hoping to one day get "promoted" to wife. You don't hear that so much from women. Married women may have outside sex partners, but not outside love partners. But again, this is just an impression, and an early one at that. I'm glad to read so many accounts here that counter that idea. Maybe there's hope for me after all! :-)
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  #13  
Old 10-24-2017, 07:01 PM
tmw0602 tmw0602 is offline
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Default Where do poly people find their mates?

Thank you all so much! I love how fully people invest in responses here. It's such a caring community, you can tell!

As I read all of your very helpful responses, I wonder:

How do poly folks find their partners? Did it happen organically for most of you? Or did you seek him/her/them out on dating sites, poly meet-up groups etc?

I am sorta old-fashioned in that I'd like to find a long-term boyfriend organically, and go through those lovely initial feelings of "Is he flirting with me? Do I like it? Will I flirt back?" and have playful banter and tentative conversations and butterflies and all the lead-up to love that is so intoxicating. But when I did online dating before getting married, I never got that, even if I did meet a few very nice guys and had lots of fun dates. I ended up ditching all my online sites and then met my husband a few years later.

Organically would be my preference, but after my first roadblock (with the guy who told me he doesn't want to have feelings for me because this would never "go anywhere") I'm gun shy and I wonder if it isn't more *practical* to start with a self-selected group of people who already know they want this kind of life.

Long way of asking: How'd you do it?
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  #14  
Old 10-24-2017, 07:07 PM
tmw0602 tmw0602 is offline
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Originally Posted by vinsanity0 View Post
My conclusion is that it's just hard to find people who are truly poly on a basic level. As I move forward with my life I will be acting as solo poly. My main concern is that telling the first woman I date that I am poly but currently single may send the wrong message. Like I might be in the market for a mono relationship and she just might be the woman to do it.
I can totally see that. I have been guilty of that myself throughout my single life. A man tells me exactly what he wants and doesn't want, and I think somehow he will feel differently once he gets to know me and loves me. It was a dangerous way to think -- and led to a lot of pain. But now that I really do understand how you can love one person and still desire/love others, I'm hopeful I won't be that way with the new men I (eventually) meet. I honestly didn't get that before it happened for me.
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  #15  
Old 10-24-2017, 07:32 PM
tmw0602 tmw0602 is offline
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Originally Posted by Ravenscroft View Post
Awhile back, I had a conversation with family members about recurring tropes in film & TV. I brought one up that had recently shown itself multiple times: a couple is dating, things are going really well, then one floats the potential for marriage, the other declines or just waves it off, & the relationship ends. Even (rarely) when it's "we're not really there yet," it's A Crushing Rejection. No discussion, no compromise. This strikes me as totally absurd, yet there it is, "the way things are."
The recurring tropes are total landmines, too. As I mentioned, this is very new for my husband and me, and we haven't even acted on anything yet! But when a song comes on on the car radio that says something to the effect of, "You're my one and only! I met you and now I never want anyone else. You're the only one I see; the only one for me..." there's this tension a foot thick between us and I feel guilty and sad, like I've done something wrong by having these feelings. He and I used to watch the show "This is Us" together and we loved it. Have you guys seen that show? Tearjerker TV, for sure. And full of those tropes! We won't be watching that show together anymore, that's for sure!
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  #16  
Old 10-24-2017, 08:55 PM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tmw0602 View Post
Thank you all so much! I love how fully people invest in responses here. It's such a caring community, you can tell!

As I read all of your very helpful responses, I wonder:

How do poly folks find their partners? Did it happen organically for most of you? Or did you seek him/her/them out on dating sites, poly meet-up groups etc?

I am sorta old-fashioned in that I'd like to find a long-term boyfriend organically, and go through those lovely initial feelings of "Is he flirting with me? Do I like it? Will I flirt back?" and have playful banter and tentative conversations and butterflies and all the lead-up to love that is so intoxicating. But when I did online dating before getting married, I never got that, even if I did meet a few very nice guys and had lots of fun dates. I ended up ditching all my online sites and then met my husband a few years later.

Organically would be my preference, but after my first roadblock (with the guy who told me he doesn't want to have feelings for me because this would never "go anywhere") I'm gun shy and I wonder if it isn't more *practical* to start with a self-selected group of people who already know they want this kind of life.

Long way of asking: How'd you do it?
I met my wife organically. She was in an open relationship at the time. Ironically, she wanted to be mono with me after she broke up with her primary.

After we opened our relationship, I met my first GF organically. However, she couldn't handle the poly aspect so that didn't work out. I met my second GF through OKC and that worked out fine, though she was a little too saturated to give me enough time.

I still get those initial feelings regardless of which method I meet somebody. There are no guarantees either way. I do think dating sites and meetups increase one's chances of finding someone compatible with poly though.
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  #17  
Old 10-25-2017, 06:19 AM
Ravenscroft Ravenscroft is offline
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Thinking back to the triad I was in, my partners tended to get "cowboyed" a lot more than me, but part of that was probably that living with TWO beautiful women made it pretty clear that I had little motivation to move along.

Meanwhile, each of them had me & her, & I wouldn't be surprised if some of their dates either discounted their girlfriend as "not serious" (or at least "not competition") or harbored hopes to squeeze me out & fulfill their FMF fantasies.
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In this discussion, I can't overlook the recurring "terminology creep" problem: what is meant by a relationship that is "long-term" or "serious"? I don't get much past "anything but an intentional one-night stand with a stranger."

Even then, anyone in Monogamist society can claim that an endless series of one-nighters is "looking for The One" & therefore reasonable as "serious" (&, for that matter, "Romantic").

Or, heck, what exactly is meant by "a relationship"? As I've said, we each have "relationships" with dozens if not hundreds of people: family, friends, co-workers, the bus drivers I usually ride with, the staff at my favorite shops & restaurants, the head librarian....

To get out of that one, we paste on one word or another -- intimate, sexual, Romantic, committed -- all the while pretending we all agree on what THOSE words mean when in fact few of us have ever attempted to define them for ourselves. If I were to apply my personal standards, I can argue that there's a LOT of ongoing sexual relationships in the world that are questionably "intimate."

Unless we can all be certain that all of us are using the words in the same way, we're probably talking past each other.
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  #18  
Old 10-25-2017, 11:11 AM
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Amarna Amarna is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tmw0602 View Post
Thank you all so much! I love how fully people invest in responses here. It's such a caring community, you can tell!

As I read all of your very helpful responses, I wonder:

How do poly folks find their partners? Did it happen organically for most of you? Or did you seek him/her/them out on dating sites, poly meet-up groups etc?

I am sorta old-fashioned in that I'd like to find a long-term boyfriend organically, and go through those lovely initial feelings of "Is he flirting with me? Do I like it? Will I flirt back?" and have playful banter and tentative conversations and butterflies and all the lead-up to love that is so intoxicating. But when I did online dating before getting married, I never got that, even if I did meet a few very nice guys and had lots of fun dates. I ended up ditching all my online sites and then met my husband a few years later.

Organically would be my preference, but after my first roadblock (with the guy who told me he doesn't want to have feelings for me because this would never "go anywhere") I'm gun shy and I wonder if it isn't more *practical* to start with a self-selected group of people who already know they want this kind of life.

Long way of asking: How'd you do it?
For me, every person I've ever dated I've met online through dating sites and the like. It's just easier for me. It helps to filter out people who aren't good fits and makes it easy to let others know exactly what I'm looking for.

I'm also endlessly awkward in real life around new people so online interactions help cut that awkwardness down and allow me to be much more confident.
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  #19  
Old 10-25-2017, 01:41 PM
icesong icesong is offline
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Originally Posted by tmw0602 View Post
The recurring tropes are total landmines, too. As I mentioned, this is very new for my husband and me, and we haven't even acted on anything yet! But when a song comes on on the car radio that says something to the effect of, "You're my one and only! I met you and now I never want anyone else. You're the only one I see; the only one for me..." there's this tension a foot thick between us and I feel guilty and sad, like I've done something wrong by having these feelings. He and I used to watch the show "This is Us" together and we loved it. Have you guys seen that show? Tearjerker TV, for sure. And full of those tropes! We won't be watching that show together anymore, that's for sure!
Did I miss a bit where your husband is mono / unhappy with the idea of poly? The "omg you're my one and only" songs used to make me twitch a bit too, just because I couldn't rationalize being in love with two people even while I was. But now they make me (and my partners) roll our eyes at this point, even occasionally while singing along. ;-)

Getting over the "Disney Monogamy™ " hangover takes time but it is TOTALLY worth it once you come out the other side...
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  #20  
Old 10-25-2017, 01:50 PM
tmw0602 tmw0602 is offline
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Originally Posted by icesong View Post
Did I miss a bit where your husband is mono / unhappy with the idea of poly? The "omg you're my one and only" songs used to make me twitch a bit too, just because I couldn't rationalize being in love with two people even while I was. But now they make me (and my partners) roll our eyes at this point, even occasionally while singing along. ;-)

Getting over the "Disney Monogamy™ " hangover takes time but it is TOTALLY worth it once you come out the other side...
He's slowly coming over to the idea and seems fine about it now. But neither of us has actually acted on anything yet -- aside from me having someone I was interested in, which he knows about, but that's not going to go anywhere, so it's "safe", if you know what I mean.
I don't know how he's really going to feel when we actually bite the bullet!
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