Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Introductions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 01-29-2016, 05:17 PM
jdicky700 jdicky700 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Ohio
Posts: 38
Default

Quote:
I'm afraid if I express my concerns with him he will pull back from her and this would cause a rift with my wife. (<-- Between wife and who?)
I am referring to a rift between myself and my wife. All three of us want this to work. We both make her happy and I don't want to see her suffer at all. It's hard because before I knew there was an affair...I would express a lot to him about the disconnect between myself and my wife not knowing the whole story. He would begin to pull away from her...she would find out I was opening up to him and it would cause major issues. So...with everything being out in the open..I'm afraid to damage the progress we have made together (between my wife and I fixing our marriage). We are slowly progressing...I feel like I'm the one holding things back.

You guys are probably right...we probably do need poly friendly counseling. I'll talk to my wife about that and she what she thinks. Thank you guys for caring! I love her so much!! I'd do anything for her and I want nothing but for her to be happy.
__________________
~ Growing in Love in Ohio

"Maybe the journey isnít so much about becoming anything. Maybe itís about un-becoming everything that isnít really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place."
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 01-29-2016, 05:42 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,481
Default

Quote:
I am referring to a rift between myself and my wife. All three of us want this to work.
Then work that show how it needs to be worked so it is HEALTHY for ALL.

Quote:
We both make her happy and I don't want to see her suffer at all.
Why are you fearful to see wife struggle?

Emotional weather is just weather. Some are from the more fun collection (excited, happy, joyous) and some the not so fun collection (mad, sad, scared). Sunny days or stormy skies -- They all pass in time and new ones come along.

Quote:
before I knew there was an affair...I would express a lot to him about the disconnect between myself and my wife not knowing the whole story. He would begin to pull away from her...she would find out I was opening up to him and it would cause major issues.
Let me repeat that back to you so you hear how it sounds to me, a stranger looking in:
  • Your wife and your friend begin a cheating affair.
  • You notice a difference in wife's behavior. A disconnect. You don't know what is wrong.
  • You express your worries to your friend. Seeking comfort, reassurance, feedback or all 3.
  • He feels guilty about his cheating behavior. He's less willing to keep ON cheating behind your back. To assuage his guilt, he tries to pull back on the cheating behaviors.
  • Your wife gets mad he's becoming less willing to cheat behind your back. She wants him to continue.
  • Your wife blames you for "wrecking it" for her.

Instead of suggesting something she can do in her OWN behavior to alleviate his guilt (ex: I see you struggling with guilt. We could stop cheating. We could come clean and ask for forgiveness)... she goes off on YOU for your behavior?

Which was seeking comfort and feedback from a trusted friend when you have a problem? (you didn't know he was the affair guy at the time, at the time he was a friend you trusted.)

Where are you doing something wrong in that picture?

He did something wrong, and in pulling back he's trying to start to come correct or at least not dig the hole deeper. How is that bad?

I think your wife could examine her own behaviors there. Not cool.

Quote:
So...with everything being out in the open..I'm afraid to damage the progress we have made together (between my wife and I fixing our marriage). We are slowly progressing...I feel like I'm the one holding things back.
So she wants to have a healthy V? Repair breaking trust in her marriage? And her idea for HOW to do it is...
  • You do not express anything yucky, you are supposed to keep it hidden. Sweep it under the rug.
  • If you do that, she rewards you by not pitching a fit at you?
  • If you do express, she pitches a fit and makes you scared to express anything else next time?

That's weird, dude. And not effective in repairing all the layers of relationship. A Poly V is only going to be as healthy as all the mini relationships within it.

To me if she had an affair with a friend, and wants to continue with you in right relationship?

Wife job with you is
  • She apologizes
  • She asks for forgiveness
  • She promises not to cheat again
  • She asks what behaviors she can do to make amends and regain your trust.
    • If they are rational and reasonable, she agrees and knocks out the items on the list.
    • If irrational or unreasonable, she does not agree. She can counteroffers and if it won't fly, you guys end relationship. Forgive, no amends required, not continuing.
  • She resists and declines if the friend suggests new shenanigans behind your back. If she plays on the level now, she plays on the level!

Your job with her is to
  • forgive
  • decide if you want to continue with her or not
  • List what behavior she must do to make amends and regain your trust.

Dude would be on the similar track if he wants to repair his friendship with you after cheating with your wife.
  1. He apologizes
  2. He asks for forgiveness
  3. He promises not to cheat again
  4. He asks what behaviors he can do to make amends and regain your trust
    • If they are rational and reasonable, he agrees and knocks out the items on the list.
    • If irrational or unreasonable, he does not agree. He can counteroffers and if it won't fly, you guys end relationship.Forgive, no amends required, not continuing.
  5. He resists and declines if wife suggests new shenanigans being your back. If he plays on the level now, he plays on the level!

Let them work their part of the show. You do YOUR job. Your job is to take care of this stuff:
  • Forgive. (Always forgive, you don't need to carry grudges you whole life)
  • Decide if you even want to continue with these people.
  • Decide what it takes for wife to repair marriage relationship with you. You make her aware and if she agrees you wait for her to knock out the list.
    • If she does? You lay it to rest and don't bring it up any more
    • If she does not? You end it with her because she's not making good.
  • Decide what it takes for Dude to repair friendship relationship with you. You make him aware and wait for him to knock out the list.
    • If he does? You lay it to rest and don't bring it up any more
    • If he does not? You end it with him because he's not making good.
  • If you already know you do not want to continue with these people in a V, or don't want to rebuild trust here -- just break up now. Skip making amends. Don't drag it out. Forgive, no amends, move on.

You guys get ON with the show. It stinks you did nothing wrong and got a huge ding. And now in order to rebuild trust you have to make space for them to be able to ding you again... and show that they do not. Then you can give them some trust. Then you risk again, they do not ding, and you trust some more. Trust gets rebuilt one step at a time. It gets easier OVER time, but the first few steps are scary as hell.

You are raw, vulnerable and the last thing you want to be doing is risk being dinged again.

Maybe that's what you need? Some acknowledgement that your position sucks? Because you did nothing wrong and here you are... the one having to risk again first?

And you'd appreciate some empathy from both without either dumping their guilt load on your head. They could just hold their own emotional baggage instead?

Quote:
I love her so much!! I'd do anything for her and I want nothing but for her to be happy.
I am sad to hear that you don't place your happiness first. At least 51% first. She can have lots -- even 49%. But you have to look out for your well being first.

The goal is to change from (cheating behind your back) to a (healthy poly V) right? Not to change (cheating behind your back) to (cheating in front of your face while you agree to say nothing)?

Being selfless and being willing to subsume yourself to relationships is not attractive nor is it healthy.

Seek a counselor because YOU need one right now. You can invite wife and BF to come too, but YOU need to attend to YOUR well being.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-29-2016 at 06:28 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 01-29-2016, 05:50 PM
Spork's Avatar
Spork Spork is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Colorado Springs
Posts: 2,495
Default

I think that communication is key as it is in so many things, especially all things polyamory. But what exactly needs to be communicated, to whom, for what reasons and with what results?

Do not assume that you know how he or she will react to things. I'll tell you here and now that holding closed dialogues in your own mind where you cover down on what you just KNOW your partner(s) will say, is harmful to relationships. This isn't a petty grievance about a dish towel here, your feelings can make or break this entire thing for 3 people.

A counselor might help, as others have mentioned.

Another idea I'll toss out there comes from the BDSM community, and that is "contract"...it isn't a legally binding doc, but a lot of power exchange couples use a contract format to basically force them to sit down, talk, and negotiate needs and boundaries periodically, come to agreements, and feel that they have "rules" and structure going forward.

Clearly, the deception is a huge part of your fear and unease. Maybe it would help, if you all not only discussed, but set out in writing, a requirement for disclosure AND an undertaking that honest disclosure will not result in a fight or breakup, the party with a need to disclose is SAFE doing so.

Personally (and I often think that poly couples have to make up a lot of the rules as we go)...my own rule for myself, is that if I should develop a romantic or sexual interest in another party, I will inform every person that I'm presently in a relationship with, BEFORE any intimacy occurs, and I will hear their response and we will discuss it...and then if said intimacy does occur, then I will also inform them once it has. At minimum.

Do not assume that you know the rules if you're just "seeing how it goes." Set down your expectations and needs for disclosure and honesty. And other things! Like, what if any two of you have a rough patch, a disagreement, and one of you goes to the third and talks smack, is that third then in the middle, or will they be able to be Switzerland? Maybe discuss the expectation there. Is it possible that he will wind up living with you? Or is that a "no freaking way!" for you? Talk about it! Etc.

I think that another thing you probably struggle with, is the social and cultural thing where a man who "lets his wife get away with" cheating, or shares her with another man is somehow less of a man. I get the impression that this may be biting you because you mentioned discomfort with them "going out openly"...are you perhaps afraid that if/when others find out about this great setup you've got going on, that you will be judged for it? They will think, perhaps, that you're gay...or weak...?

Once you deconstruct and make sense of why you feel as you do, you can gain mastery of your mind and heart and proceed in a healthy way, I think.

Oh, and try journaling with pen and paper, if you haven't. It can really help make sense of jumbled thoughts & feels.
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 02-01-2016, 02:58 AM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 15,448
Default

Greetings jdicky700,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Some resources to help you find a poly-friendly counselor:
And if you find a counselor who's unfamiliar with poly, but open-minded, ask them to read, "What Psychology Professionals Should Know about Polyamory," a book by Geri Weitzman, Ph.D., Joy Davidson, Ph.D., and Robert A. Phillips, Jr., Ph.D.

I hear you when you say you're afraid that if you say the wrong thing, your friend will distance himself from your wife (and upset her). I think in a sense you are walking on eggshells right now. Perhaps Polyamory.com can help by being a venting board for you? I'll try to listen to whatever you need to say.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 02-03-2016, 03:05 AM
jdicky700 jdicky700 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Ohio
Posts: 38
Default

I did finally talk to him a little today. I mentioned that although my heart tells me this is OK...I'm still healing from the lies and deceit brought by him and my wife. It was a relief to say something. I didn't lay it out hard...but I got to say a little something and it was a huge relief. I mentioned it to my wife and she was a little scared...but she understands I can't hold it all in. My wife and I have amazing dialogue going right now and even though we don't always agree...we can still share it. I think it's the only reason we are still together quite honestly.
__________________
~ Growing in Love in Ohio

"Maybe the journey isnít so much about becoming anything. Maybe itís about un-becoming everything that isnít really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place."
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 02-03-2016, 08:30 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 15,448
Default

Glad you were able to share with them.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 02-03-2016, 08:57 PM
jdicky700 jdicky700 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Ohio
Posts: 38
Default

You know what's funny... it lifted this huge weight off of me. I wish I had been honest a bit sooner. Even some of the butterflies I had every time I think of them together has dissipated. It's funny to me and it literally just clicked in my brain. I have been talking in another thread how suddenly I am finding I might have more than just friend feelings for him... is it possible with my brain easing a bit...with the dust starting to slowly clear...something more than I ever imagined has been exposed? I've never had feelings for a man like this. Crazy the human brain is!
__________________
~ Growing in Love in Ohio

"Maybe the journey isnít so much about becoming anything. Maybe itís about un-becoming everything that isnít really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place."
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 02-03-2016, 09:03 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 15,448
Default

It will be many lifetimes before we understand how the brain works.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 02-04-2016, 04:14 AM
jdicky700 jdicky700 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Ohio
Posts: 38
Default

I just wanted to share something. Today at work my wife (yes...I work with my wife and Navy) was really stressed. She felt like Navy wasn't giving her much attention and I felt bad for her. I asked her if she wanted me to approach him about taking her to dinner and she was excited about that. They went to dinner and she was gone for a couple of hours and came home. That's it.

Why did I post this? I didn't stress about it! I didn't have anxiety about it! It felt natural and OK to me today. I'm just elated at the progress my mind has made in such a short period of time. The heart is beginning to win this battle. I'm sure there will be days ahead where there might be a little more stress...I'm just excited that I didn't have any of those issues today.
__________________
~ Growing in Love in Ohio

"Maybe the journey isnít so much about becoming anything. Maybe itís about un-becoming everything that isnít really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place."
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 02-04-2016, 09:10 PM
Aridan Aridan is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Chicago
Posts: 24
Default

I'm so happy that you are in a better place than when you started this thread. I know you are still in the beginnings of all this, and the fact that you can enjoy this part of the journey without the worry and stress weighing you down is really great. I think you're right in saying that there will be challenges ahead, that's par for the course, but the people we love make it worth navigating those challenges.

Blessed be.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
husband in need, jitters, new to polyamory, newbie

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:28 PM.