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  #1  
Old 01-29-2016, 01:22 AM
jdicky700 jdicky700 is offline
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Unhappy Wife and I begin a life of polyamory.

Hello! I hope to get some advice here. I am not huge into forums but I've been looking for somewhere to talk about this openly. Months ago my wife met another man. We've been married almost 15 years and he stole a piece of her heart. She wanted to explore polyamory but I couldn't stomach the idea at the time. Needless to say... they ended up having an affair and it almost ruined our marriage. My wife maintains that she has never stopped loving me but says that there is just a special connection between them that she has only felt with me. She wants to be with both of us. We have begun to reconcile our marriage and I have recently agreed to try this arrangement.

The thing is I adore this guy as well. Not in a sexual way... but I feel like I've known him forever and he has become in a short time the best friend I've ever had in my life. It's as if he was put in our lives to complete our triangle. My wife and I both "fell" for him quickly. She fell in love with him...and I did in a non-sexual way. Hopefully that makes sense. It's as if we have known each other in previous lives. We've been inseparable. It's hard to explain.

The problem is my head. Like I said...my heart says yes but my mind is terrified. They have already been intimate...so it's not like that would be something new. They have an emotional connection...so that isn't new. The problem is just the thought of my wife with another man turns my stomach. The thought of sharing her with another is upsetting. Like I said... I believe he was meant to be in our lives...so how do I let go of these feelings I have?

I just am struggling with the fact that she wants another man. We have always had a fulfilling relationship mentally and physically...even she doesn't know how it happened. We love each other...I believe she genuinely loves me... I just can't seem to shake the nerves. To be honest...tonight is the first night they are going out as an open couple between the 3 of us. We are not sharing it with friends and family at this time.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Hopefully this all makes sense and honestly it's a little bit overwhelming. Like I said...I believe he was meant to be in our lives but I can't shake the images in my head.

I've even thought about approaching him to have a three way... I know it's one of my wife's fantasies and I know he hinted at it early on in their relationship as a way to get close with my wife. There are a ton more details...it's the strangest set up we have with how close we all are.

I love the guy like a brother. I just need to shake the jitters. It's driving me crazy and I don't want to upset my wife (she knows I'm terrified) and I don't want to let him know how scared I am because I know he will back off and that would upset my wife and him tremendously.

Help!!
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  #2  
Old 01-29-2016, 01:50 AM
Torahson Torahson is offline
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Default Hi Brother

Hi Brother,

I'm new here too n just noticed your posting...wishing you Heavenly Love, Joy, and Peace as you work through this situation...also heavenly fire and anointing.

Are you familiar much with the Bible? There's a thought like this..."there is no fear in love but perfect love casts out fear, because fear has torment..."

It sounds like you're really being stretched right now...growing pains, not easy but necessary for the forming of a beautiful/handsome Oak Tree

That's great that you're working through the repentance/rebuilding/healing process from adultery...hopefully getting good counsel from somewhere.

Going forward, I would encourage you as the senior leader to jump in n take the lead...good leaders can acknowledge to those around when they're knees are shaking...not real easy but can be done...again, something from Bible comes to mind ( a good king, named Jehoshophat)...got the people together n prayed...basically scared stiff...this big army coming and we don't know what to do! God showed up n showed off for him...think they won that war!

Most important thing going forward...please, all 3 of you make a marriage commitment covenant with each other...probably would be good to do a little certificate n sign your names. And then, please give some thought to it n plan a romantic threesome! Now here I might get some disagreement from others, so I'll simply say, you'll be blessed if you skip the anal stuff...it ain't "kosher"....

You want the heavenly angels to have a good reason to stop by and enjoy your celebration together...the demons of fear, mistrust, theft, adultry, fornication...aren't allowed.

Blessings in the Holy Spirit brother!
Steve
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  #3  
Old 01-29-2016, 01:58 AM
GreenAcres GreenAcres is offline
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Torahson View Post


Most important thing going forward...please, all 3 of you make a marriage commitment covenant with each other...probably would be good to do a little certificate n sign your names. And then, please give some thought to it n plan a romantic threesome! Now here I might get some disagreement from others, so I'll simply say, you'll be blessed if you skip the anal stuff...it ain't "kosher"....

Um...Why in the world would they get "married?" This has, according to the OP, been going on a couple of months. I'm going to say that is a horrible idea (also, in many states, illegal even if not submitted to the state, and occasionally enforced--so, research first!. No one should get married that fast.

And as for "skip the anal stuff," if that is what everyone wants, it would be unfortunate if the poster felt judged here. Kink-shaming, slut-shaming, love shaming..ick.
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  #4  
Old 01-29-2016, 02:03 AM
jdicky700 jdicky700 is offline
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Default Thank you

Thank you for the encouraging words. I am very familiar with the Bible (I once was a Sunday school teacher) but now practice a more left handed path. It's nice to know that there are people out there who care for our situation without judgement. I am feeling very stretched...I'm hoping time is the answer! I just need to stay firm for my wife who I love more than anything. She really wants this and I believe if there was a man on this planet for this we have met him. Thank you again. Blessed be.
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  #5  
Old 01-29-2016, 02:08 AM
jdicky700 jdicky700 is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Ohio
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Default No worries!

Quote:
And as for “skip the anal stuff,” if that is what everyone wants, it would be unfortunate if the poster felt judged here. Kink-shaming, slut-shaming, love shaming..ick.
Being judged isn't an issue for me. My spiritual path has rid me of that worry. I come from a very conservative family and my pagan path is quite the put-off for a lot of people.

As for sexuality...my wife and I have explored many many ways to have fun and enjoy the human body. I'm just trying to find a way mentally to let her enjoy what we have shared with another. It's been very tough but I am committed to the happiness of the three of us. Blessed be.
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  #6  
Old 01-29-2016, 02:12 AM
GreenAcres GreenAcres is offline
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Location: Virginia
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by jdicky700 View Post
Hello! I hope to get some advice here. I am not huge into forums but I've been looking for somewhere to talk about this openly. Months ago my wife met another man. We've been married almost 15 years and he stole a piece of her heart. She wanted to explore polyamory but I couldn't stomach the idea at the time. Needless to say... they ended up having an affair and it almost ruined our marriage. My wife maintains that she has never stopped loving me but says that there is just a special connection between them that she has only felt with me. She wants to be with both of us. We have begun to reconcile our marriage and I have recently agreed to try this arrangement.

The thing is I adore this guy as well. Not in a sexual way... but I feel like I've known him forever and he has become in a short time the best friend I've ever had in my life. It's as if he was put in our lives to complete our triangle. My wife and I both "fell" for him quickly. She fell in love with him...and I did in a non-sexual way. Hopefully that makes sense. It's as if we have known each other in previous lives. We've been inseparable. It's hard to explain.

The problem is my head. Like I said...my heart says yes but my mind is terrified. They have already been intimate...so it's not like that would be something new. They have an emotional connection...so that isn't new. The problem is just the thought of my wife with another man turns my stomach. The thought of sharing her with another is upsetting. Like I said... I believe he was meant to be in our lives...so how do I let go of these feelings I have?

I just am struggling with the fact that she wants another man. We have always had a fulfilling relationship mentally and physically...even she doesn't know how it happened. We love each other...I believe she genuinely loves me... I just can't seem to shake the nerves. To be honest...tonight is the first night they are going out as an open couple between the 3 of us. We are not sharing it with friends and family at this time.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Hopefully this all makes sense and honestly it's a little bit overwhelming. Like I said...I believe he was meant to be in our lives but I can't shake the images in my head.

I've even thought about approaching him to have a three way... I know it's one of my wife's fantasies and I know he hinted at it early on in their relationship as a way to get close with my wife. There are a ton more details...it's the strangest set up we have with how close we all are.

I love the guy like a brother. I just need to shake the jitters. It's driving me crazy and I don't want to upset my wife (she knows I'm terrified) and I don't want to let him know how scared I am because I know he will back off and that would upset my wife and him tremendously.

Help!!
JD, welcome! Kevin will, hopefully, be along shortly with a great list of resources for you. In the meantime:

-Can you articulate what you are scared of, exactly? The first step in addressing the issue is getting specific about it. Are you worried she'll leave you? That it will make her love you less? That your love for one another is somehow sullied/lessened because she shares love with another? Are you worried about family, jobs, resource and time management? Once you can be specific, it'll be a lot easier to figure out what your next step is.

-I'd hold off on the threesome thing, at least for now. It's a great fantasy, and if it becomes a reality that you all enjoy, that would be wonderful. But, get a handle on your feelings first, and get all the relationships on solid ground. Sex can up a lot of emotions, so work first no getting the ones your having sorted out before you add more to the mix.

-Talk. A lot. Honestly. It is okay to tell your wife you're scared, and be specific about what you need to feel better (X amount of time with her, more words of encouragement, etc.)

-You say "sharing her" makes you feel sick to your stomach. Another way to think about it is that you are not sharing her. You cannot share another person, because they are not property. She is sharing herself with you, and you are sharing yourself with her. There is a difference there and it can be helpful to look at it from another perspective. Just like sharing yourself with a friend doesn't make you any less of a friend to anyone else, her sharing herself with another partner doesn't diminish what she shares with you.

You're undertaking quite a lot to move into poly with your wife, and that is wonderful. It's clear you love her, and are willing to be open-minded for her happiness, and that means you're already well into a good space for poly!
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Relationship saturated, and not looking for additional partners.
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  #7  
Old 01-29-2016, 02:19 AM
jdicky700 jdicky700 is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Ohio
Posts: 38
Default Yes!

Quote:
Originally Posted by GreenAcres View Post
JD, welcome! Kevin will, hopefully, be along shortly with a great list of resources for you. In the meantime:

-Can you articulate what you are scared of, exactly? The first step in addressing the issue is getting specific about it. Are you worried she'll leave you? That it will make her love you less? That your love for one another is somehow sullied/lessened because she shares love with another?
YES!!!! lol

Because of the affair and how it almost ended our marriage..l am worried. I think it is in my head because since my wife and I have had open dialogue about how deep her love is for him I can tell our relationship has gotten better and dare I say our love is even deeper!? I know I contradict myself in the same paragraph but it's how my heart and mind is battling it out right now.

She constantly quotes "love does not divide it multiplies" and uses our kids as an example. Again...I think the affair is messing with my head on this one.

I worry a bit if she is crazy about this arrangement she will find she loves him more and I don't know if I could deal with that. I love her so damn much I'd do anything for her!
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  #8  
Old 01-29-2016, 02:24 AM
jdicky700 jdicky700 is offline
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Default Great insight!

Quote:
Originally Posted by GreenAcres View Post

-You say "sharing her" makes you feel sick to your stomach. Another way to think about it is that you are not sharing her. You cannot share another person, because they are not property. She is sharing herself with you, and you are sharing yourself with her. There is a difference there and it can be helpful to look at it from another perspective. Just like sharing yourself with a friend doesn't make you any less of a friend to anyone else, her sharing herself with another partner doesn't diminish what she shares with you.
You are absolutely right in the way you wrote this!!! This is a fantastic way of looking at it!!! Thank you so much! I really want this to work and feel good for all parties. I love her and I love him as well. My heart says this is right. Just need to get the brain to catch up!!!
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  #9  
Old 01-29-2016, 02:32 AM
GreenAcres GreenAcres is offline
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Have you and she taken the time to heal from the affair? Jumping straight into poly is a lot, and often doesn't happen easily because of the breach in trust (which starts everything off in less-than-ideal circumstances). That's not saying it can't happen, and we have members here in very long-term relationships that formed out of affairs; but, it can be more difficult. What has been done to rebuild the trust and bond between the two of you?

Have you talked about what relationship style you both are comfortable with, and has she talked with him about it? Perhaps, if you had an idea what the road map might look like, you'd be more comfortable with the journey? For example, does everyone prefer a hierarchical or non-hierarchical relationship? Are you all going to be a "closed" V, or can each of you seek other partners, as well? This talk could help clear up some of the nervousness by clarifying things for everyone.

Love is different in each relationship, so there needn't ever be a "more," but it will be "differently." Love isn't like a pie--giving a slice to someone else doesn't mean there's less pie for those who previously had a whole pie. But, resources are limited: time, money, etc. It's reasonable to talk about expectations for those things: vacation time, for example, or who pays for dates. This can happen along with the relationship structure talk, and may help quiet some of the nervousness you have, as you're reassured you and she can still have the time you need to nurture your own relationship.

There is uncertainty in all relationships, of course, but right now you're still healing from the affair and it sounds like relationship models may not have yet been discussed, which can cause even more uncertainty.
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Relationship saturated, and not looking for additional partners.
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  #10  
Old 01-29-2016, 02:33 AM
GreenAcres GreenAcres is offline
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by jdicky700 View Post
You are absolutely right in the way you wrote this!!! This is a fantastic way of looking at it!!! Thank you so much! I really want this to work and feel good for all parties. I love her and I love him as well. My heart says this is right. Just need to get the brain to catch up!!!
I am glad something spoke to you. For me, it often helps when someone else gives me a new way of looking at things (because, let's face it, we're all a bit myopic about some things)!
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Relationship saturated, and not looking for additional partners.
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