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Old 10-17-2015, 11:46 PM
Hunterawsome Hunterawsome is offline
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Default New to Polyamory and Fearful of Future Partners

A quick synopsis of my situation is this: My first girlfriend I ever had and I broke up a while ago back at the end of highschool. We stayed friends through the years and have toed the line of dating again for a while and finally tried it recently. In that in between time I had other girlfriends and very meaningful relationships that ended at one point or another. Now, being her was very nice but there were just some points in our relationship that we each didn't fulfill for one another but we still deeply care about one another. What we've been thinking of is trying to have a polyamoros relationship. She is very ok with this and for the most part so am I. She is not a very sexual or intimate person and I crave a lot of attention and physical touch. The idea is that we love each other and want to be life partners while not holding each other back to find other relationships. We're both ok with branching out, spending time, or being sexual with others.

Now the problem is this: I'm worried that if I find a new partner who fulfills me emotionally and sexually that i would end up focusing on this new partner over her. I do not want to hurt her at all but I know that with a partner like I described I will focus a lot of my time on her.
With feelings like that would that just make my relationship with my current partner "good friends" and what advice do others in the community have for dealing with "new love" taking over and pushing out or masking over "old love"
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Old 10-17-2015, 11:52 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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If you say you want this girl to be your life partner, but then say you would prioritize another partner over her, that seems like a contradiction to me. If you can't honestly say to yourself that she would keep the same level and priority in your life regardless of whether you have other partners or how you feel about them, poly might not be the best choice for you.
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Old 10-18-2015, 12:15 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Op you sound monogamous person who is not getting their intimacy needs met who thinks that being poly could fix a broken relationship to me.

Poly doesn't fix what is broken it multiplies problems ten fold. It is like placing a flashlight in a case that has been fixed with glue. When the spotlight is off you may not notice the cracks but once it is on they are magnified.

My advice find someone whose love language compliments yours. And break up with your gf. Or stay with your girlfriend and work through your issues.
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Old 10-18-2015, 02:02 AM
Becca Becca is offline
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You've never tried poly before, but now you intend to do so while making a life commitment to your first love? You're begging for a trainwreck.

First loves involve a lot of mythology. You were kids when you met, with immature ideas about love and relationships. After you grew up, you wrapped that person up with nostalgia. It's going to be very difficult to get past all that to have an adult relationship, period.

On top of that, you're ready to make a life commitment to each other. That's huge. Why not date a few years and see if that really suits you?

I recommend non-hierarchical poly, where you don't actually promise to hold each other to a lifetime commitment. Date. Date others. Let relationships evolve organically. Maybe you will become more entwined with someone else-- that can happen (and maybe should, if you're not that compatible). Just hold a space for each other, where you honor who you've been to each other.
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Old 10-18-2015, 02:07 AM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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I think you need to find someone that you are compatibe with you might love your high school sweetheart but the fact is you guys aren't sexually compatible and that's a pretty big deal. I suggest you guys remain friends vut you find a different romantic relationship
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Old 10-18-2015, 05:59 AM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
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I think you are viewing this with the outlook of a monogamist. I think it's a mistake to look to poly as a way to fill in what you are not getting from another partner. Try to look at it more as each relationship is different.

I won't say it won't work, but what you are worried about could be a real problem for you. You will experience NRE (New Relationship Energy) with a new partner. You will need to recognize it and deal with it. The truth is you will focus on that new partner more in the beginning. That could cause you to make some decisions you will regret once the NRE wears off, or that particular relationship goes south.
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Old 10-18-2015, 06:20 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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I hear that you and your partner are on the same page and having a lot of discussions, which is good. I also think it's good that you're so concerned about things. To me, that says that you're going to really think before just jumping feet-first into something that might utterly screw up your relationship with your existing partner.

New relationship energy can be a really scary thing. The thing about NRE is that you do not have to just give in to it. If your existing partner says to you, I need more of your time, I need more reassurance, or I'm feeling left out, you have a decision to make: whether to pull back a little and focus more on your existing relationship, or whether to go 100% with your new partner. On the flip side of that coin, you can decide NOT to focus on a new partner over your existing partner. Nothing "just happens," and I think that phrase is a cop-out that people use when they don't want to own their choices. You can do your best to give both of your partners as much of what they need as you can within the constraints of your time and emotional energy.

Have you read More Than Two? I think at least one of the authors is in a relationship like the type you describe--a lot of emotional intimacy, but very limited physical intimacy. I think it can work if you're both up front, stay in touch with your feelings, and communicate a whole lot. But that's basically polyamory, in my experience.

Finally, life commitments are rarely actually for life. Just look at the divorce rate. I think if you focus more on trying to have a solid, loving, supportive relationship with your partner that gives you both what you need now, and focus less on whether it's going to be a 'good' relationship in the sense of lasting forever, you might be a lot less worried. Just keep putting good emotions and time into your 'old love' and listen if she's not getting what she needs, and I don't think any 'new love' is going to push out your old love. And if it does happen, then maybe you and your old love both need to look at moving on. But you don't need to cross that bridge yet.

Good luck!
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Old 10-21-2015, 09:26 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi Hunterawsome,

NRE can definitely pull you away from your pre-existing partner, especially if you aren't conscientious about that. But, since you are putting thought into it ahead of time, there is a good chance you can avoid that trap.

When you first start seeing someone new, make a point to give your first girlfriend extra time and attention, more than you normally would. Ask her what she needs from you, and what would help her to feel loved.

That should help.
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Old 10-23-2015, 03:07 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I think before you jump the gun and worry about NRE poly hell things when you aren't dating a new person yet... you could examine why you are thinking about dating THIS one again first.

Part of the success of a polyship is picking out solid compatible people to polyship with. Picking out an ex? If it didn't work the last time, what makes it work now?

The idea is that we love each other and want to be life partners while not holding each other back to find other relationships.
How does practicing an open model with your ex solve it better than practicing a friend model?
  • You are not able to love each other while being friends?
  • You are not able to be lifelong friends?
  • If you guys are friends, you are not able to find other relationships?

What are you basing the life partner decision on when you haven't gotten a chance for the "new you" to date the "new her" again?

Old memories? Those have a habit of getting distorted over time -- we remember the good stuff but not the bad stuff that led to being exes.

What has actually changed in each of you to make you two MORE compatible today than yesteryear?

there were just some points in our relationship that we each didn't fulfill for one another
She is not a very sexual or intimate person and I crave a lot of attention and physical touch.
How did those get resolved so you are super compatible and can make a good shot at poly and then at life partners?

Or are you seeking to resolve them by adding more people? Being with other people enables those to be solved so you can be with her? Other people are not going to like being the "bandaid" to this dyad.

I'm not saying you cannot work it out... I'm just saying slow down and assess compatibility realistically. Don't be making "life partner" promises too early and then regret having to break that promise. Date just you guys a while first to get reacquainted. If that doesn't go well, don't be adding poly. If it does go well, then see about adding poly. If poly goes well, THEN talk about life partner kind of promises.

A time and place for everything, and everything at its time and place. Not so rushy.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-23-2015 at 03:20 AM.
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confusion, new to polyamory

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