Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 09-24-2015, 09:01 AM
starlight1 starlight1 is offline
Spaminator
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Arizona
Posts: 813
Default

The other thing to keep in mind when finding someone is that feelings I find are like the ocean, they ebb and flow, dictating how that person needs to feel right off the bat is another expectation.

*we want partner to want and care about us both equally is expectation I am referring to.

For me personally as the bi female whom is often asked to be part of threesome or unicorn situation, I know that feelings will come at their own time and pace. And that for me taking in two new relationships at once isn't an accurate way to measure how I feel for people. One connection in the couple may be intense and friendly and sexual, and one may be calming, loving and gentle. They will grow and take their course at their own pace.

Also I have an emotional cap on a new person I can invest in while in throes of nre, there is science behind why the brain and body even creates nre. (Dopamine) so you're not only going looking for a needle in a hay stack you're going against biology. Which would definitely limit that finite pool even more, and stop the potentional right person from just feeling what they feel when they feel it and a That Being Ok.

The expectations of
A) I need to be ready for you
And B) I need to be immediately into both of you equally. (How would I even quantify that ?)
Is would what would put me off.

A could be let go of completely to widen your limited pool search,
And B could be altered to, take the journey at everyone's comfortable pace, with the woman expected to be human and have differing feelings but realise that is only true in this moment, not nessecaricarily true for ever.

If I were a couple looking for me, I would search more for a mutual friend that is open minded and without agenda, and if it happens it happens. I would be more into a couple who want to know me long term, want to know me individually and collectively outside what I look like, earn, can do for them, etc. etc.....what can you bring to her she can't already bring to herself?

Go read more than two.
__________________
Starlight1- 32f/bi/poly-ish
shooting star and rosebud - children of Starlight1
Rocky- 4+ years on again off lover / BF.
Ariel- 1.5 years- BFF and FWB hinge in her polycule
Landon- Ariels husband (8 yr relationship)
Snow- Ariels BF (1 year)
Irishcoffee- 4 year comet/ FWB
Benson- Recent polynetwork friend/ occasional FWB 4 months
June- Benson's GF
M.K. - Recent poly fling, now poly friend. 4 months.


Last edited by starlight1; 09-24-2015 at 09:04 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 09-24-2015, 01:15 PM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,884
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by gabanah3 View Post
i don't see an issue with that.
And this mindset right here is why you're having no luck.
__________________
40 something straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 09-24-2015, 02:23 PM
MightyMax MightyMax is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 373
Default

I know three people who have been in a vee for 8 years, so 2 people date the same person. The "hinge" lives with Andy but sees Craig regularly. Craig was straight when they met and Andy was bi. Mary is their partner. Just recently, "straight" Andy and bi Craig have decided to make their vee a triad because they have romantic and sexual feelings for each other.

Now none of these people were ever seeking a triad. Their structure has always been open. They all date separately. Their triad formed because the people involved naturally developed feelings for one another, at very different rates. Mary sees herself as having two husbands, one of just over a decade, one just under a decade. Craig and Andy both have a wife of a decade (give or take) and a new boyfriend. What with maintaining the marriages, developing the new relationship between the guys, work, family, friends, I doubt that there will be anyone else significant on any of their horizons, so they will be essentially a closed triad.

I just think it's funny that they have fallen into the very arrangement that unicorn hunters' seek simply by letting things happen at their own pace.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 09-24-2015, 02:50 PM
breathemusic breathemusic is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 581
Default

I agree that the most likely way to form a triad is when it happens naturally from a V. My meta is in a triad with a couple, but she started out dating just the husband and didn't even identify as bi. But she got along really well with the wife and in time it just grew into a triad.

Of course, if you're open to that, you also have to be careful that you aren't pressuring the other side of the V by saying you hope it becomes a triad, because that isn't going to help the situation. You're better off just hoping to yourself and being comfortable with whatever actually happens.

Sure, you can choose to unicorn hunt if you want, but be prepared for the very likely outcome that you'll never find what you're looking for.
__________________
Me: 32, female, nesting partner and Domme of Sudo, dating Echo
Sudo: 36, male, lives w/ me, no other current partners
Echo: 34, male, dating me, married w/ 2 kids

RCT (or Ty): 32, male, mono, current roommate/friend, dad to Lizzy
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 09-24-2015, 11:37 PM
gabanah3 gabanah3 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 8
Default

thank you to everyone for your responses. we've talked about it and have decided that dating individually would be something to give a shot.

unicorn hunting shouldn't be your main focus dagferi. you shouldn't be putting us down for it either. we know the person that we're looking for is rare and would be extremely hard to find. but from what i've been reading, a lesbian couple wanting to open their relationship up to another person is just as rare.

we're not opposed to dating a bisexual woman, however one hasn't crossed our paths.

we're wising up day by day, learning new things about the poly world that we hadn't known before. all we can do is tell/share our experience and learn from the mistakes that we've made from past failed attempts.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 09-27-2015, 09:28 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 16,063
Default

Hi gabanah3,

I think you will do fine, just keep studying and learning and keep an open mind about what the future might look like and what might be satisfying to you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 09-28-2015, 01:30 AM
GreenAcres GreenAcres is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Virginia
Posts: 571
Default

You could also stop saying things like you're "adding" someone to your relationship. People aren't, as NYCindie says, condiments. That kind of language is, at least for almost all the "unicorns" I know (including myself, when I was one) incredibly off-putting, and says huge amounts about the balance of the relationships, couple privilege, etc. It is the exact mindset that usually burns "unicorns" who agree to try a triad in the first place, and keeps them from doing so ever again (just do a search here on Unicorn, unicorn hunter, triads, etc.--the stories are endless).

If you want any kind of success, you need to throw that notion out the window. Relationships are things developed between individuals. If you haven't already, you really need to read "So someone called you a unicorn hunter."
__________________
Bi Female in VA with a passion for outdoor adventure, cooking, reading, health and fitness, and adventure!

Relationship saturated, and not looking for additional partners.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
disappointment, guidance, lesbian, new to polyamory, poly mentor, triad vs. vee, unicorn hunting

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:20 AM.