Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 09-24-2015, 02:19 AM
gabanah3 gabanah3 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 8
Default poly mentor needed

We feel run down. Haven't had much luck, but still want to give it a shot. Would love someone to bounce our experiences off of and need guidance.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 09-24-2015, 02:41 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by gabanah3 View Post
Haven't had much luck . . .
Perhaps you need to adjust your expectations.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 09-24-2015, 02:54 AM
gabanah3 gabanah3 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 8
Default

that's the sad part.
we don't have any. we go in open minded to every person we encounter. they show an interest in the both of us, then they shift their attention to just one of us.


Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Perhaps you need to adjust your expectations.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 09-24-2015, 03:10 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by gabanah3 View Post
that's the sad part.
we don't have any. we go in open minded to every person we encounter. they show an interest in the both of us, then they shift their attention to just one of us.
Ahh, but yes you do have a BIG expectation! That's it right there, what I bolded above - that you have to find someone to be with both of you. And that expectation is huge, and usually impossible and unreasonable in every situation.

Why is that what you want and expect? Is that what you think polyamory is supposed to be?
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 09-24-2015 at 03:13 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 09-24-2015, 03:34 AM
gabanah3 gabanah3 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 8
Default

No we know of different ways to have/establish poly relationships. Dating individually is an option as well, just haven't dug into it. We knew that it would be a huge road to go down with adding someone to our relationship. Poly is having the capability to love multiples and that's definitely something she & i are capable of.

Our expectations aren't crazy, nor can they not be reached/met. There are people who have had success with finding their person or people. We just so happen to be a couple who's looking for an even more rare individual in the hay stack. We want this because we like sharing experiences, we want this because we know/feel that someone out there is able and willing to be as awesome as we are and would want to share that. We know that there's someone out there who wants the same thing we want plus some.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 09-24-2015, 03:35 AM
MrsBrightside MrsBrightside is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 73
Default

It's very tricky for one person to be interested in two new people at the same time, the same amount, even trickier still for them to maintain the same level of chemistry and attraction for both. If you ONLY come as a package deal, it's gonna be a lot of searching to find that person, and probably a lot of heart ache. That is a reality you may have to accept; it is going to be more difficult for you than if you both dated separately.

We found someone interested in both of us, though only my partner was looking. Sadly for her I didn't feel an attraction, so it can happen, but it's typically better for everyone if it happens organically and isn't expected or forced. I felt a LOT of pressure to like this other person because she wanted it and my partner wanted it (though I learned he was fine if I didn't). But it was her choice, not ours.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 09-24-2015, 03:41 AM
gabanah3 gabanah3 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 8
Default

thanks for shedding light on that. definitely opened our eyes a little more.


Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsBrightside View Post
It's very tricky for one person to be interested in two new people at the same time, the same amount, even trickier still for them to maintain the same level of chemistry and attraction for both. If you ONLY come as a package deal, it's gonna be a lot of searching to find that person, and probably a lot of heart ache. That is a reality you may have to accept; it is going to be more difficult for you than if you both dated separately.

We found someone interested in both of us, though only my partner was looking. Sadly for her I didn't feel an attraction, so it can happen, but it's typically better for everyone if it happens organically and isn't expected or forced. I felt a LOT of pressure to like this other person because she wanted it and my partner wanted it (though I learned he was fine if I didn't). But it was her choice, not ours.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 09-24-2015, 03:52 AM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,856
Default

Your issue is you're Unicorn Hunting.
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 09-24-2015, 03:59 AM
gabanah3 gabanah3 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 8
Default

i don't see an issue with that.
even though we want someone for the both of us, individually dating isn't off the table either.
our unicorn will come when she's ready.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Your issue is you're Unicorn Hunting.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 09-24-2015, 07:28 AM
tenK tenK is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Scotland
Posts: 478
Default

Hi there. I think if you guys are at least a bit open to individual dating then that's really the place you should start. Think of it this way: gaining experiences now, dealing with the insecurities you don't even know you have yet because your relationship hadn't been tested yet, learning to feel relaxed and comfortable with the changes in yourself and your partner that will inevitably come as you explore new people and connections, these are all the things that will stand you in good stead for not only finding this elusive woman you both connect with, but for being ready for her too.

It seems that the best kind of triad are the ones that happen organically. The triad I was involved in stemmed from a relationship my girlfriend started with someone. They dated for a few months before it became apparent that there was a mutual attraction between he and I. Ultimately that experience happened to us right at the start if our poly journey, and I think there were still many issues we hadn't worked through together as a couple and as individuals, which ultimately negatively impacted on that new relationship. Maybe things would have gone more smoothly, or lasted longer with him if we had have been in the place we are now? I don't know. But dating one-on-one is really not a bad thing. It feels scarier initially because you feel like you have less control - but that's the lie of the triad right there: you have no control over the feelings your partners develop anyway. Better to develop the trust required (not just trust that they will always be there for you and present when in the throes of nre, but also trust in their judgement of other partners) when there are fewer variables at play (ie not extra requirements of three way attraction, and extra complications of the metamour you're involved with being a partner who you occasionally are annoyed with for metamour reasons). Besides, in the time it takes for you to find someone who likes you both enough to give it a shot with an inexperienced couple new to open relationships, you both could have had half a dozen good relationships of your own.

Hope that helps!
__________________
People tenK (bi, f, early 30's) is likely to blabber on about, and why:

Nina (bi, f, late 20's) <- life-partners with tenK; Scandi (hetero, m, early 30's) <- dating/fwb with tenK (on hiatus at the moment); Zymurgist (hetero, m, early 30's) <- dating with tenK; Aries (heteroflex, m, late 40's) <- fwb with tenK and Nina;

Adam (bi, m, early 30's) <- dating/fwb with Nina
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
disappointment, guidance, lesbian, new to polyamory, poly mentor, triad vs. vee, unicorn hunting

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:55 AM.