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Old 06-18-2018, 02:46 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 7,307


I might be totally off base but FWIW in case it helps you, this is my initial impression...

You seem to know how you want to approach poly and that you aren't getting to do that. Things like...
  • I only want to do poly from solid foundations. We don't have that. Ours is shaky.
  • I don't want to try seeing another person until we have our own problems resolved.
  • I don't want anybody to feel like they are only involved with either or both of us to fix us. I want any potential partner to feel loved and cared about for who they are, not what they are for us.

Yet you don't seem to have those things in THIS relationship.

The foundations are not solid and while he's making some efforts to fix some things, you are concerned that you've been holding things in a lot, that this effort might be too little to late -- like your "still waiting/hanging on/hoping" is gonna run out before he finally finishes those efforts.

You think about breaking up might be inevitable which makes you concerned because actually breaking up will be a drag because you don't have friends or the money to have options other than a women's shelter. (What are your possibilities for better employment and building up some savings?)

The problems are not solved and may not be. It's like you are realizing love alone is not enough. There has to be other things for deep compatibility.

I know it's not in his plans because he has abandonment issues and a fear of being single. He kind of seems to rely heavily on the stability that being in a relationship brings him. Whenever in the past it has even*seemed*like I*might*be upset with him, he starts to ask if I'm going to break up with him and he gets very emotional about it.
It sounds like you remain involved to fix HIM -- is that true?

It's not a healthy cycle of things, but I keep wanting to put in an effort to get out of this rhythm and back to something sustainable and satisfying.
You seem to recognize this dynamic is not healthy.

Long and short of it... despite a few good patches here and there... the bulk of it sounds like you aren't doing well together. You seem to "carry" a lot of the relationship. You don't feel loved and cared about for who you are. Maybe only feeling cared about just for what you are to him -- his "life raft" or "life preserver" person? And maybe you don't want that job any more?

I have been through a lot with him and I feel very tired.
This tiredness... have you been "enduring" or "surviving" but not really "thriving" in the relationship?


Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-18-2018 at 05:07 PM.
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Old 06-18-2018, 03:28 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 7,045


You could start a thread in the Poly Relationships section. Members check there more often than on Intros.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 63)
Pixi (poly, F, 41) my nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 37), Pixi's bf since April 2013
BigGuy (poly, M, married, 43, dating me since June 2018)
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Old 06-18-2018, 10:49 PM
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Al99 Al99 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 2,299

Hi Starheart - and welcome to the Forum! It seems that you are already receiving plenty of advice - and since I have nothing new to offer, I will just say welcome and best of luck on your journey! Al
Dramatis Personae:
Me: Al99, poly, heterosexual male, 50's
Becky: married to Al99, poly, heterosexual female, late 30's
Bouncingbetty: ldr girlfriend to Al99, poly, pansexual female, early 30's
Jill: local fwb to Al99, heterosexual female, early 50's.
Ben: Becky's medium-ldr bf, heterosexual male, 40's

My Introductory Post - An Unexpected Introduction to Poly.
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feeling lost, introduction, lgbt, new to polyamory, relationship issues

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