Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 12-27-2015, 01:10 AM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 15,514
Default

Re (from 2muchlove):
Quote:
"No one's got any tips on the perfect icebreaker for a husband then?"
Not really! I wonder if "the perfect" icebreaker even exists. Truth be told, I want to say just discuss poly in general first, before mentioning your brother-in-law, but then I think it's too weighty of a matter to cushion like that and it would only anger your husband if you tried. So maybe the first thing to say to him is, "Honey, I think I have feelings for your brother."

I think what's messy for some people isn't messy for others. I have standing permission to date either of my partner's sisters, if only they were interested. [shrug] And I knew a lady at one time that was happily partnered with twin brothers. There's even a movie about "poly with two brothers," and it's one of my favorite movies ever: "December Bride" (1990).

All you can do is figure out what's right for you. One would think that one couldn't go wrong in telling one's spouse the simple truth. But, some spouses would react poorly to that truth, and you have to decide if your husband is one of those spouses. Alas that I can't make that decision for you, I know it would make things easier.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 12-27-2015, 02:19 AM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,856
Default

Is possibly destroying your husband's relationship with his brother worth it?
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 12-27-2015, 04:05 AM
vinsanity0's Avatar
vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
Spaminator
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: South Florida
Posts: 1,831
Default

I would say do NOT just blurt out that you have feelings for your bil.

You say hubby defends poly. That's good. The next step would be to see if he would favor opening up your marriage. Even if he does it is still a delicate situation.
__________________
Vince 55/het/m
Bella 52/f mono seriously dating
Mary 55/het/f/married platonic LDR
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 12-27-2015, 04:39 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083
Default

You wondered if anyone else here had experienced something similar to your situation...

There is a member here, JadeDoor (not actively posting of late), who was dating her husband's brother. If I recall, all sorts of shit hit the fan and she and her husband divorced - but she rebuilt her life afterwards and was doing well. Her blog:
Thoughts from a 2013 newbie


In this thread, a woman whose marriage was recently "opened" wants to know how to tell her husband that she wants to date his brother. I believe things turned out well:
At the Cross-Roads


One member posted about how he was struggling with feelings for his wife's sister. His thread:
Limerence toward my wife's sister


Another member here was, with his wife's consent, dating her daughter (technically his stepdaughter; he maintained that he was never in a parenting role with her). He has an intro thread, a blog thread, and this one, where you can find links to the other two:
Forced to hide our 'Poly' lifestyle.


Here is the blog thread of a bi woman who married the girlfriend of her brother and his wife:
Tangled Up, So in Love, and Sweet Tea Kissin' Off of Her Lips


In this thread, a woman asks our opinions about wanting to boink her daughter's FWB:
Strange, strange situation: Need advice


And here, one of our members brings up the topic of dating siblings for general discussion:
Siblings

HTH!
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 12-27-2015, 08:32 AM
2muchlove 2muchlove is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 70
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by KC43 View Post
Sorry... any time someone says "like normal people", it kinda raises my hackles.
That's OK, I used it as a lazy kind of shorthand and apologise, I'm all for people doing whatever they want if they are consenting adults and I will cheerlead for them all the way!

Re: my bil, he makes no secret of fancying women and has openly said in front of me that he does not have no family through choice. I realise you're all only reading words in black and white here but it's obvious to me who spends a lot of time with him etc. However, I'm open to the possibility he could be gay, and compensating by making a thing out of 'chasing' women (but never actually going and getting one) but if he is, he has kept it deadly secret so long he obviously has his reasons for that. Sadly I think one of those reasons could be his religious family and the community we live in, which makes me sick tbh. I really hope this is not the case, but I'm worried he'd be *very* offended if I asked him about it, or not tell me the truth anyway.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 12-27-2015, 08:38 AM
2muchlove 2muchlove is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 70
Default

Thanks for the links to the threads and the examples in RL, it's good to know I'm not some kind of evil deviant for dreaming this up, even if it doesnt go anywhere

I think, without knowing obvs, that telling my husband that I definitely WANT an open relationship with any old bod pulled off the street would be hurtful to him, I think he would understand more that I had developed feelings for BIL, but to just say 'i have feelings for BIL' without any qualifications of 'but that doesnt change how i feel about you' would be a bit of a death knell for the marriage for sure.

I will ask husband about the poly thing again, we have talked about it a few times in general terms and he knows I am very pro and he's very accepting of the way others live, like I am. He would passionately defend gay rights, but he would never want to touch another man. Could easily be like that! ETA: I just remembered the time he told me that if he died he'd leave me to his brother in his will! Was a joke no doubt, but at least his mind is open enough for that joke, most people would never ever go there I'm thinking?

Last edited by 2muchlove; 12-27-2015 at 09:02 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 12-27-2015, 05:37 PM
Pleiades's Avatar
Pleiades Pleiades is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 27
Default

In my teen years I had few "why on earth I put myself in this situation" thought. Since then I'd established some rules.
  • Don't date friends. (one night stands are ok)
  • Don't date friends of EXs.
  • Don't date friends of family members.
  • Don't date EXs.

. . . and few more.

He is your friend, family and coworker. CAREFUL. Sounds like you have a nice things going on now. If your poly relationship goes bad . . . it'll be a very difficult situation for all of you.

Before you do anything I suggest you to talk to your husband. Have a clear conversation.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 12-27-2015, 10:23 PM
River's Avatar
River River is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 3,083
Default

Those in glass houses should not throw stones.

Those who live in hay barns should avoid barbecuing or lighting off fireworks in them.

Tiny little skinny men should not pick bar fights with giant, angry drunken men.

Nuf said.
__________________
male, bisexual & biamorous
one male partner, poly, open...
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 12-28-2015, 02:00 AM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 15,514
Default

You're a wise man, River.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
crushes, dating siblings, new to polyamory

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:17 PM.