Redpepper's journey

Maybe if he had mentioned he had a friend he was really connecting with in mid-February there would have been a chance to develop something. I don't know. Right now I am more concerned about what I will do and if I can accept.
My friend,

May I have the privilege of giving you a quiet, loving word of warning? Many times over the last few years, when I've wondered and when Maca has wondered if there was any way we could deal with the "newest" nightmare in our poly experience, we've turned to words of wisdom written by you and Mono. The most distinctly clear message we received, over and over, was not to make decisions in the heat of the moment, because emotions come and go.

You're hurting, and that is totally ok! But, you love him. Every person makes mistakes, and I'm not saying it's not a big mistake to shut down and back away. But, from the perspective of someone who's been on the sidelines, making huge mistakes as frequently as most people change their panties, this seems to me to be a mistake that was almost destined. Mono has expressed often his lack of experience and understanding of poly. So, it's not surprising that he would fail to make the "poly-expected" move when he suddenly found himself experiencing what he didn't believe he could.

THAT DOESN'T IN ANY WAY mean you don't have a right to be hurt. PLEASE don't misread my words. But, maybe it does mean, looking back at history and seeing, did you make serious errors of similarity when you were starting out? I know I have. I know Maca has. I think many of us have.

Only you two can decide the future for yourselves. BUT, don't make decisions in the midst of your heartbreak flooding over you sweetie. YOU deserve the time to work through your heartbreak before deciding what the consequences of the circumstances will be.

Right now I need a good sleep. I haven't slept and neither has he. Talking and lying there quietly... awake all night... overcome with emotion.
Sleep is critical, and when your emotions are so high, it's hard to come by. I wonder if it's not time for a jog by the ocean. I haven't heard you mention doing that in a while. (Obviously you could have. I only keep up via FB. I just thought it might help.)
 
Things are not changed as much as I first thought, although my trust has been thrown to the wall.


Oh ya, and I am dealing with people telling me I'm hypocritical and that I have lots of loves, so I should just suck it up.

First, congrats on holding it together for a couple of days, to the point of realizing that things aren't as bad as it felt at first.
Second, congrats on realizing that it is still broken trust and that will need to be addressed.
Third, fuck other people RP. I'm serious. I could be wrong. God knows I am often enough. But I can't find it in myself to believe that Mono would say that you are being hypocritical.

You're hurt. You're working together to deal with the cause of that hurt.

It's not hypocritical to expect from someone what they say they are giving you, even if what they offer you is different from what you offer them!

A parent gives a child something COMPLETELY different than what a child gives a parent.

Likewise, what I give GG is TOTALLY different than what he offers me, and what I give Maca is different than what he gives me, and what I give each of them is different from what I offer the other one! We're INDIVIDUALS.

You and Mono are different people, offering each other what you as INDIVIDUALS can offer, and something changed for him, without you being told. That hurts. It's not hypocrisy to be hurt by it.

To me, based on what I've gleaned thus far, he failed to trust you, and in doing so, has given you cause to fear trusting him. THAT makes PERFECT sense to me.

I depend on the trust in my relationships. Using GG (since he's mono) as an example, if he suddenly quit confiding in me, regardless of whether or not there existed a new love in his life, it would be a HUGE problem, because my trust would falter. It would falter, because that would be such a significant change from who I understand him to be and who I understand US to be.

So, tell people to screw off if they can't comprehend it. They aren't part of your relationship.

As for you, Mono, PN and boy, hugs hugs hugs hugs.
 
Exactly, and yes, I have asked him to tell anyone who asks that this is my issue. Would I prefer she wasn't around at all? Well hell ya! I loved my mono bf being all mine. Stupid huh? I feel like an idiot for falling for that bullshit. A victim of our cultural programming. Embarrassing. I feel stupid and embarrassed.

No, not stupid, human. Welcome to humanity, sweetie.

And I agree with dinged: in the big picture, not the today picture, but the big picture, I think this learning curve very well may be cause to celebrate. Not that anyone is changing, necessarily, but that you have faced a hurdle, a big hurdle and found the weaknesses in your form so you can improve. :)
 
Thanks Arrowbound, its people who are not poly that think that way. They don't understand. The woman in question is confused by my reaction also. She doesn't relate to what I am feeling I don't think and carries on as if Mono is just one of many to me. I know she just doesn't understand but to me it makes me feel like people think he is dispensible to me. He is far from it. I intend to fight for what we have and make this a learning curve.

In the mono world it would be a matter or telling him to cut her out entirely or him leaving me for her. I am not suggesting either, but working through it so they can be together in whatever way they want. I can see, that in me doing that, it would be expected some how, but for different reasons. I have other partners after all so I should stop whining and let him do what he wants. Off course its completely not like that, but how does someone explain that to people. I hope this made sense, lol.

Makes perfect sense. People tell other people to suck it up in monogamous marriages and relationships all the time! Never mind that this is something you BOTH need to work through. Y'all live together and are a family for god sakes.



Well, as I understand, you had an agreement and he didn't hold to it, and if he had told you about it when it first happened you would have walked through it together. So the problem isn't the concept of him being with someone else but the idea that he went behind your back, and the breach of trust. Maybe if you explain it that way more people would understand.


Agreed.



I guess what meant with the idea of a clash in hard ideologies is no one wants to be a hypocrite and neither of you would want to admit those shifts ....although you just did:D And with each of these hard positions assumptions and possible projections got made.

Actually your response to Tonberry reflects that poly hardline :D falling for the bullshit ...victim to cultural programming.

I understand the trust issue but how much different is this from bending/breaking a boundary you had set with PN or mono in regards to Leo or someone else. With all the lectures, events, forum talk , etc, etc could you frame it as you finally got through....He might finally get it :D on with life. Couldn't this be a moment to celebrate once the sting is gone.


Have you 2 thought about counseling ? Its recommended here all the time but because of your position here people might not think of that.... and you might not have thought of it.

You know, that never occurred to me. Or maybe it did but I never referred to it as cultural programming polywise, lol.

I too see this as being a potentially awesome shift if everything goes well. I don't think I ever saw myself as mono even before I met my SO but I've still come a long way in terms of understanding myself and how I love others, and a sense of belonging as well. It'd be nice to know that Mono has joined the fray in that sense.
 
I just wanted to say good luck, and thank you.

It's interesting what people get from wanting to learn about themselves. Also, because of online communities such as this, there are entirely new ways to share information and support.

I've read your blog from start to finish, It's weird because I almost feel like I know you, and most of the extended family you mention. It's strange to be pulling for folks I've never met, but there it is.

A few posts back, you lamented about overwhelming the people around you. In another post, you wondered if your loves felt neglected occasionally. Not long before that, the posts were "Everything was right with your world," uber happy, etc.

Look, I'm not just a relative poly novice, I'm a complete novice. Relatively I'm subterranean novice! But on the surface, it is often said that people exploring this lifestyle often have to move at the pace of the slowest person.

As I read about the latest developments, and your raw feelings of late, I couldn't help but wonder how much your role, time and your aforementioned potentially overwhelming personality might have played into this. Sometimes our strengths are also our weaknesses.

You've described Mono as a loving caring man who is intensely private in some ways.

You had just come through some emotional turmoil, some of which, rightly or wrongly, he likely felt some guilt about, because he felt he might have been holding you back. In short order, you'd met and developed an interest in a couple other individuals (who sound great, btw). You certainly seemed very happy about this. That's a no-brainer, I mean, how were you supposed to feel ? But my point is that during this time, Mono was doing some soul searching, as well. Researching, thinking, peeling his own onion, so to speak, and during that time became closer to a friend and some feelings surfaced.

I think I totally get where you are coming from, in terms of withholding information. But I guess I'm unclear exactly when it would have been a good time to bring you into the loop. You were healing and branching out and seemingly quite happy with his newfound ability to move or remove a boundary. You negotiated a line in the sand that had been up until now a unique compromise that was one of the structural foundations of your relationship.

I might be simplifying it entirely too much, but your posts seemed to indicate (to me) that you weren't quite sure what was going on with Mono. But he seemed full of compersion. And that was good enough for you to change up some relationship dynamics (again, with full disclosure, totally aboveboard) rather quickly. This all seemed to make you very happy. If we saw this, I'm confident he did as well. But what I'm saying is that not knowing exactly why this was occurring did not stop you from taking advantage of the opportunities this new found boundary lifting/erasing created, during a time when you were also hurting.

It seems to me that an equally probable scenario that could have unfolded is that Mono could have come back and said, "I thought I could do things differently. I didn't want you to be hurt again. But I'm sorry. I can't." That would be a pickle too, wouldn't it? For at least 4 people directly, if my count is correct.

I mean, you have repeated so many times on this board how this compromise worked, certainly not with a self-pitying theme. But any way you cut it, you needed to forego additional relationships for you two to be together. It's interesting though, because I think one of the things you got out of this was to have mono's undivided romantic attention. You referenced this thought verbatim a few posts back, but I don't recall that revelation occurring before. (although there are thousands of posts, so I could have missed it.) I'm not saying this is a good or bad thing, just that it's interesting if this is the first time you've really thought about that.

All I know is that my understanding was that adding additional people, coupled with either you or Mono, was historically seen as a potential detrimental to your dynamic, as you knew it. Maybe your emotional relationship with Leo placed him outside his comfort zone, and while not always pleasant, caused some growth, leading him to some thought changes.

Regardless, you seemed to change gears rather quickly and embraced the situation with your usual energy. Your already busy schedule got busier. To the subject at hand, perhaps he did choose not to discuss it with you, but you guys are discussing it now. Not much has happened, as I understand it. But I can understand the bad feelings you have that perhaps border on betrayal.

I also understand mono's initial thoughts on the subject better.

I hope everything works out. For what it's worth, I sincerely wish you luck.
 
Thank you all for the responses, support and thoughts.

NYCindie, you made me smile. Thank you. I do feel a bit like that in moments, and then crumble.

LR, you are a dear. Thanks for letting me text your face off and thanks for all your knowledge. I will heed what you say and just feel the emotions before making decisions. You are so wise.

Arrowbound, thanks for your input and wisdom also.

Outsider, it was I who said it first, "Go at the pace of the one who is struggling the most." I am glad of the reminder and am thinking now of just who it is who is struggling most in all this. You hit the nail on the head several times about what Mono and I have talked about and what he has said about his experience. There are other factors that I can't share, but you understand the general idea. I guess the more I write about our process the more it will become evident how much.
 
Last night, I tried to respect Mono's wishes to have less talking and more just being together. That worked for some time, and eventually he opened up a bit. It's hard to know where to start with all the things that have been said. What I got, most of all, is that this woman was uncomplicated, and spending time with her was essentially a break from me and what was going on for me. He wants to keep that in his life and apparently not take it further than that. I've heard that many many times before, but the trust isn't there. It will come, I think.

He told me about some of what they talk about in more depth, which I appreciated, as I have been asking for him to tell me what is going on. But it was hard to hear. Hard to hear that they share anything at all, really, especially since I thought it was just I he shared with.

He thinks that she is really interested in poly and if there was a chance, she would want him as a bf, which was also hard to hear. Somehow, it became more evident last night that it's also about what she wants and what this has opened up for her. Sure, I knew that was a factor, but it hit home more than ever last night.

I lay awake for hours after that, PN rolling around beside me, asking if I was okay and me saying I could go and sleep on the couch. Sigh... I feel like this all comes out on him, as I am so distant. It's not his fault, yet it must feel terrible when I say I am going to sleep on the couch.

I laid awake and decided to just let it go. Just let my head go there, to that place of, this isn't going away, Mono has a need for this woman (or any other woman) to be his gf. I wondered what that would look like and what that would change for me in terms of boundaries. So, I made a mental list. I won't go into detail, but it started with my needing him to use condoms. Fluid bonding is a huge deal to us and always has been. That in itself was a shot of pain.

There are about 7-10 requests I would have that aren't meant to be ultimatums, but boy, they sure seem like they are, instead of boundaries. I told him about them today and expressed that they were fluid and changeable with time for me, but this is what I would ask for if he came to me with a decision that this woman was now going to be my metamour.

My concern now is to not allow myself to already think that it's a done deal. I am holding on in my heart to not assume the worst-case scenarios for me in this. I am hoping that, by making this list, I can come back from it into something that is what they want and I am comfortable with, because I pushed my mind to the edge on some of these issues.

Mono is asking me to get back to seeing the men I was entertaining. He wants me to be happy again, like I was a week ago. Happy and light and joyous. He was loving seeing me like that and wants me to be that again. I have put all of it on hold in my head. My priority is him and this situation. It might mean that I am a downer to him, but I have nothing in me to give anyone priority over him right now. I still talk to other people in my life. I met Derby for lunch today, but my presence is elsewhere. I enjoy being totally present with people when I'm with them. I hope that just being there physically for a bit will be enough, right now.
 
RP,

I am very sorry to hear that things are a little rocky right now with you and Mono. I so enjoyed meeting you two all those years. You are a great couple.

If I may offer a different perspective in your quest of screaming "WHHHHYYYYYY?" into the ether (and by the way, if I were in your situation, I would more than likely be doing the same):

Mono has always stated that he was monogamous. He has been very very open about it. Monogamy means that when you fall in love with one person, you automatically must fall out of love with the other, right? You know this, and have visualised your relationship with him on that basis.

So I think that it is only natural that, when he finds someone else he cares about, you see this as a threat to your relationship with him. It has to be. He's monogamous, right? Regardless of what YOU feel or how poly YOU are, you know that HE isn't. You are interpreting his actions based on that monogamous mind-set.

Mono is an intelligent and very self-aware guy. You and he have shared so much with each other, and I'm sure he can understand why what you see as going on is upsetting to you, no?

Often the gut feelings of folks being distant are your subconscious trying to tell you somethin. In this case, it was that he was hiding something. Trust your gut on stuff like this, for sure.

I hope that the two of you can continue to work in the stellar way that you normally do.

Virtual hugs from across the continent
 
This too shall pass.

Redpepper. I feel for what both you and Mono are going through.

To give you an alternate perspective and Mono some support as a fellow secondary.....

I identify as mono. I love only my bf. He is my world. He is poly, loving me and his live-in SO.

He has told me quite often that he would understand if I changed my mind and decided to pursue others to find my own primary. Recognizing that, if that happened, as I am mono, things would most probably end with him. Hearing him encourage me like that hurt me, as to me, it meant that he was OK with my leaving. He confessed that he would actually be devastated if I let another man into my heart and into my bed. Yet he would feel like a hypocrite for not accepting it if I chose that path. He's shamed that he doesn't want me to have another while he has his SO at home. It's not that he doesn't believe in poly, he just knows that it's not a choice that I would make for myself. So he fears losing me. And his fears are reasonable.

I accept that about him and love him more for sharing his true feelings. And although I briefly thought about finding another at one time, I remain committed to him. I love him with all of my heart.

When I read the prior threads about you adding more and more loves into your life, I couldn't help but wonder how Mono really felt about that. As a Secondary, our biggest wish is to have more time with the object of our affection. To have that parcelled out even more between additional loves, could be a huge challenge. I recently attended a work/life balance seminar and one thought sticks in my head "For every thing you say YES to, you are saying NO to another. Choose what you say YES to, make sure your priorities are in line."

In poly, love may be infinite but time and ability to provide attention are not. We must stay keenly aware of that.

Maybe for Mono, every time you said YES to another love, he was hearing NO to him. And for fear of losing you and you reacting as you actually did, he was scared to tell you his thoughts. Or he thought, who the heck really cares. At times, I have been guilty of such thoughts. Why would my bf care if I found another? He has his SO at home. But when I told him that, it hurt him alot. He would care. He would be devestated. Another love doesn't replace one who has taken such a huge piece of your heart. If anything, it makes things worse for all involved.

In reality, insecurities and doubt are only kept at bay when all partners feel their needs are being met. When they are not, you are bound for trouble. As I'm sure you already know.

I wish you both all the best. I know that this will only make you and your relationship stronger in the end.
 
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RP, I'm sorry you are hurting and losing sleep, but I have to say that I think you are jumping the gun a bit in imagining this woman as your metamour. Hasn't Mono always insisted that he can't be anything other than monogamous? He has always said that if he were to be interested in someone else, it means that he's losing his connection to you. And he has also always said that if you expressed interest in taking on another lover, he would start losing his connection to you. Even though he was happy to see you happy with your latest dates (because he loves you!) and you were marveling at his compersion, it would seem that he knows himself pretty well and it is indeed your connection that needs to heal.

If I were you, instead of trying to figure out how to incorporate this woman into your life, work on rebuilding your connection with Mono. Be there for him in the way he needs you to be. Respecting his request for less talk and more time together is one way to do that. Obviously, he has felt that there was something inhibiting his connection to you and it started to fall away enough to start developing this intimacy and love for his female friend. I suspect it has something to do with giving him consideration and attention. Even though he is a loner, perhaps underneath watching you go through your break-up with Leo and your excitement over your new friends, he may have been thinking, "Well, what about me?" I don't know, only guessing here. Whether it will be possible to have more relationships down the road is something you and he will have to negotiate, and it is totally possible that the dynamic between you and Mono will be completely different than it was and be satisfying. But I think your focus should be on reconnecting, rather than on her and what she's all about.

((((((HUGS)))))
 
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LR- you are a dear. Thanks for letting me text your face off and thanks for all your knowledge, I will heed what you say and just feel the emotions before making decisions.

am thinking now of just who it is who is struggling most in all this. ???

Sweetie-you are ALWAYS welcome to text or email my head off. :) As much time and support as you have put in on my behalf, it's a pleasure and privilege to be able to return a small amount to you!

In regards to that last sentence, in my humble opinion, it's ALWAYS the kids who struggling most in all of this. I know your little guy loves all three of you OH SO MUCH and I am sure, even without being privy to all that is going on, due to just how amazingly bright and observant he is, that he's sensing the tension and high emotions right now.

So, I would advise taking a little time for each of you (Mom, Dad, Mono) to plan "dates" one-on-one with him. and the 4 of you as a family, in the next week or two, not to discuss anything serious, just to BE together, so he can also sense that, regardless of what's going on in the grownup world of emotions, his little world is still secure. :)

I say this with all due respect. It wouldn't occur to me that you all WOULDN'T consider him. I just keep thinking of him. :) In fact, I've been thinking of him ever since dinner! He's so amazing! I hope we have more dinners so I can hear more of his theories on life! What a kid! He OBVIOUSLY has an AMAZING family, because he's just an amazing kid!
 
Sigh, I feel like this all comes out on him as I am so distant. Its not his fault, yet it must feel terrible when I say I am going to sleep on the couch.

Time to take a "just about you and me" hour. :)

Don't forget to take those "just about me" hours too. :)
Walk, jog, run, cry, yell, text, paint. ;)

Hugs!
 
ceil, thanks Ceil for the message. :)
He has told me quite often that he would understand if I changed my mind and decided to pursue others to find my own primary. Recognizing that, if that happened, as I am mono, things would most probably end with him. Hearing him encourage me like that hurt me, as to me, it meant that he was OK with my leaving. He confessed that he would actually be devastated if I let another man into my heart and into my bed. Yet he would feel like a hypocrite for not accepting it if I chose that path. He's shamed that he doesn't want me to have another while he has his SO at home. It's not that he doesn't believe in poly, he just knows that it's not a choice that I would make for myself. So he fears losing me. And his fears are reasonable.

I accept that about him and love him more for sharing his true feelings. And although I briefly thought about finding another at one time, I remain committed to him. I love him with all of my heart.
I would be devastated too, and I feel hypocritical. However, I would live on and get over it. Things for me would likely change, but I will never stop loving Mono. He will always be in my life, just like my ex-wife is, and others I love dearly still. I am not ready for that yet, though, and I don't feel as if our time as partners is over. Maybe if he were to have another love it wouldn't be over for us. There would be a change though.

When I read the prior threads about you adding more and more loves into your life, I couldn't help but wonder how Mono really felt about that. As a Secondary, our biggest wish is to have more time with the object of our affection. To have that parceled out even more between additional loves, could be a huge challenge. I recently attended a work/life balance seminar and one thought sticks in my head "For every thing you say YES to, you are saying NO to another. Choose what you say YES to, make sure your priorities are in line."

In poly, love may be infinite but time and ability to provide attention are not. We must stay keenly aware of that.

Maybe for Mono, every time you said YES to another love, he was hearing NO to him. And for fear of losing you and you reacting as you actually did, he was scared to tell you his thoughts. Or he thought, who the heck really cares. At times, I have been guilty of such thoughts. Why would my bf care if I found another? He has his SO at home. But when I told him that, it hurt him alot. He would care. He would be devestated. Another love doesn't replace one who has taken such a huge piece of your heart. If anything, it makes things worse for all involved.

In reality, insecurities and doubt are only kept at bay when all partners feel their needs are being met. When they are not, you are bound for trouble. As I'm sure you already know.

I wish you both all the best. I know that this will only make you and your relationship stronger in the end.
I asked Mono, after hearing from you, if he felt as if his time with me was not enough, if he felt that his needs weren't being met, if he would like to change something in order to make his life better with me in some way. He said that he in no way feels that he doesn't get enough time with me. We live together, all of us, under one roof, for one thing. We see each other often. For another, he is a loner and very independent. He has always preferred I asked if he would like to do something, rather than assume he would come and do it, like the rest of the household operates. He cuts the lawn on his own time, takes his garbage out on his own time, comes up and eats dinner with us on his own time and goes and does his own thing on his own time. If he wanted more time, he could have it. I would give it too him. Its often I that asks him if I can see him, these days. Well, until last week, when this all came up anyway. :eek:

I think it was a matter of spending time with this woman as a friend, and them finding that there was a mutual attraction and fondness beyond the friendship they began with. It just happened, just like my meeting the man I am seeing. I never expected to find anyone that interesting, and now I am finding that not only am I spending time with the friend I had and seeing if there is something more there, but spending time with the man I met to see if there is something worth working on there also. It just happened. As did Mono and the woman... so he says.
 
RP, I'm sorry you are hurting and losing sleep, but I have to say that I think you are jumping the gun a bit in imagining this woman as your metamour. Hasn't Mono always insisted that he can't be anything other than monogamous? He has always said that if he were to be interested in someone else, it means that he's losing his connection to you. And he has also always said that if you expressed interest in taking on another lover, he would start losing his connection to you. Even though he was happy to see you happy with your latest dates (because he loves you!) and you were marveling at his compersion, it would seem that he knows himself pretty well and it is indeed your connection that needs to heal.
It is our connection that needs healing. It is healing as a result of our working on this. I was jumping the gun on this woman being a metamour. I was hoping that if I put my head in the space of her being in his life that I could slowly scale back to feeling okay about his even going out for coffee with her! It seems to have worked a bit. I am definitely less anxious and hurt by the texting, as a result. We shall see what time does.

He has always insisted that he is monogamous. He got very confused when he found himself bonding with another woman and still being in love with me. I can see how this would keep him from saying something too. I was hoping, like when he needed to work through his family issues after his divorce, that he would come to me for that sort of thing also. I was hurt when he didn't.

He is insisting I see these other men now. I have told him I am not interested in seeing anyone, and want to scale back to just us again, but he wants me to see it through and decide for myself. I have lost interest in anything that is going to anyway rock the boat or add more stress and activity in my life at the moment, but as Mono seems to have really liked to see me so happy, I am seeing if there is a chance that I could be happy again, despite all that's going on. I am not sure if it's a good idea. I find it hard to trust that his pushing me out the door is for the reasons he says.

If I were you, instead of trying to figure out how to incorporate this woman into your life, work on rebuilding your connection with Mono. Be there for him in the way he needs you to be. Respecting his request for less talk and more time together is one way to do that. Obviously, he has felt that there was something inhibiting his connection to you and it started to fall away enough to start developing this intimacy and love for his female friend. I suspect it has something to do with giving him consideration and attention. Even though he is a loner, perhaps underneath watching you go through your break-up with Leo and your excitement over your new friends, he may have been thinking, "Well, what about me?" I don't know, only guessing here. Whether it will be possible to have more relationships down the road is something you and he will have to negotiate, and it is totally possible that the dynamic between you and Mono will be completely different than it was and be satisfying. But I think your focus should be on reconnecting, rather than on her and what she's all about.
Yes, I agree. It should be about us reconnecting, not about her. Onward to doing that.

There are other factors that are inhibiting his connection, all of which I don't know if I am at liberty to mention, so I best not. There is a lot of life change going on for him. I think part of it is that he has been in the habit of changing everything when he gets to points in his life like he is now. I think that perhaps this is part of that way he operates. He is trying hard to not just throw up his hands and leave. This was his past way of dealing with things. Things get tough, so end everything and start again. I admire how hard he is working on this. I really do. :)
 
Tonight Mono talked to PN about what has been going on for him. I noted that in hearing the story from both of them, the underlying theme at the moment is that everything has changed. I don't know if it has. I guess time will tell. I know one thing, for sure. I feel better that Mono talked to PN.

I comforted PN and spent time with him in what he calls "loving presence." This has taken its toll on all of us and I intend to work harder to "normalise" things so that my family can enjoy more happy times, like Mono and PN did tonight in the back yard playing hacky sack for an hour while I putzed around in the garden and LB did his own thing.

I wonder if this time next week I will be trusting more. I hope so. I don't know how people just decide these things. I have been trying to find that place in my head so that I can feel it, think on it and then practice it like crazy. I haven't found my "letting it all go" button. I hope it's not broken.
 
He has always insisted that he is monogamous. He got very confused when he found himself bonding with another woman and still being in love with me. I can see how this would keep him from saying something too. I was hoping that, like when he needed to work through his family issues after his divorce, that he would come to me for that sort of thing also. I was hurt when he didn't.

He is insisting I see these other men now. I have told him I am not interested in seeing anyone and want to scale back to just us again, but he wants me to see it through and decide for my self. I have lost interest in anything that is going to any way rock the boat or add more stress and activity in my life at the moment, but as Mono seems to of really liked to see me so happy I am seeing if there is a chance that I could be happy again with all that was and is going on around me. I am not sure if its a good idea. I find it hard to trust that his pushing me out the door is for the reasons he says.

Actually, along with healing your connection with him, I do agree with Mono that you also should go out and continue seeing these new guys, for a couple of reasons.

First, being social and developing relationships is very much a part of who you are. I don't think it will serve any practical use to put that part of you on hold.

Second, you need some lightness to balance out the tough stuff. Let these new guys be something of an escape and comfort, even if you are distracted when you're with them at first. And they will probably appreciate having the chance to be there for you. I'm sure, you will eventually get present and enjoy some moments, which will be soothing.

Third, I know from my own life that when an issue arises with someone I love, they can find it really irritating if I want to constantly work on it. This is something that Mono is dealing with. Yes, it affects you all, obviously. But I personally really liked it when I read that he had asked for some time to just spend together and not be analyzing and discussing.

So, he has reassured you that there wasn't anything you did to push him away; he simply spent a lot of time with someone else, was surprised by his own feelings, and feels like everything is different now. He knows now that you prefer that he come to you if the stuff he's going through is difficult, but it is still his process and up to him, and if you let him be, he will come to you, I'm sure.
 
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Okay, NYCindie. I agree with what you are saying and will do as you say. I think you are right. I have a date night tonight with him and we are doing nothing but spending time together, reconnecting and enjoying each other's company. Its just what we need, I think.

Last night I sat and rubbed his back and listened to him talk about her. I asked questions and was interested to know more. I struggled a little, but was pleased he was opening up and talking freely. We can do this. We will make it.
 
Okay, NYCindie. I agree with what you are saying and will do as you say. I think you are right.

:eek: Well, please only do what feels right for you. I am suddenly feeling a bit on the spot because I'm only offering my viewpoint, and while I'm glad what I said sits right with you, I'm not telling you what to do, hun! I shouldn't have said "You should..." Let me amend that sentence: I do agree with Mono that it would probably be very good for you to go out and continue seeing these new guys.

I think you've definitely gotten some good input from other people, too.

It does sound like you are both reconnecting in a good way. More hugs to you...
 
:eek: Well, please only do what feels right for you - I am suddenly feeling a bit on the spot because I'm only offering my viewpoint, and while I'm glad what I said sits right with you I'm not telling you what to do, hun! I shouldn't have said "you should..." Let me amend that sentence: I do agree with Mono that it would probably be very good for you to go out and continue seeing these new guys.
Hahaha! :D No no, I am only agreeing. I had thought of all you said already and was working towards exactly what you said. Please don't feel on the spot. It was very grounding and validating to hear you say what I had been thinking and trying to accomplish, is all. :)
 
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