Co-Dependency vs. Polyamory - feeling hopeless

I'm glad to hear things have improved.
 
That's ridiculous. Yes, you can. Just because he doesn't like it and gets all moody and whiny doesn't mean he's the boss of you. Fuck that. You're not his prisoner. You want to call a friend, call your friend.

This 110%...
 
It was really great to read all the things you did in the last few days, to be present with Writer, and do a variety of activities in a number of ways, as well as not ask permission to see Wolf, but do it yourself, because you have every right to do so.


In that time, what things did Writer do, to show that he was working on things, improving, making progress, moving forward?

Actually, I just check the time stamp, and it looks like nearly a week more has gone by. So how is Writer doing in this span of time to own his own shit and work on it? How did your time with Wolf go, both in terms of for yourself, and when you got home to Writer?
 
Your plan sounds reasonable to start. Be prepared to seek a couples counselor at some point if needed.

Basically he either plays ball or not.

We’ve actually talked about seeing a couple’s counselor several times, but we’ve been having trouble finding one that’s poly-educated in NYC. Maybe we’re just looking in the wrong places? Writer has also expressed anxiety about seeing a therapist, because he’s afraid that a therapist will “try to convince us to break up.” I’ve been trying to assure them that it isn’t how therapy works, but he is a bit of a skeptic.

I think he wants to at least warm up to playing ball. =)

In that time, what things did Writer do, to show that he was working on things, improving, making progress, moving forward?

Actually, I just check the time stamp, and it looks like nearly a week more has gone by. So how is Writer doing in this span of time to own his own shit and work on it? How did your time with Wolf go, both in terms of for yourself, and when you got home to Writer?

When it actually came time for me to hang out with Wolf, Writer balked and gave me a bit of a hard time. I tried to talk to him about his feelings, but he doesn’t want to talk about them. Eventually, we both calmed down and just held each other for a while.

But I ended up not being able to see Wolf when I’d made plans, because of the blizzard. It was much too crazy to go out. Wolf and I rescheduled for the next day, and when I brought it up to Writer, he handled it very well, and maturely.

I met up with Wolf for about twelve hours. We watched two football games, and had some really great talks, and interacted with a bunch of people at his favorite bar. I was out until about 3:30 AM. I made sure to check in with Writer periodically via text, which seemed to help. While I was gone, he mostly watched movies.

But, I will say that he has been playing the guitar I got him lately. He’s even bought a few guitar related accessories, and has been learning new songs and singing more. It’s great, especially because when I first met him, he had expressed a love of music to me… but never did anything with it while we were dating. It makes me really happy that he’s putting effort into a hobby.

Unfortunately, we haven’t had time to have our first weekly talk, because I ended up going out of town for work. Should be happening soon. Thanks for checking in. =)
 
Good to hear that he's taking some steps on his own too. That is really wonderful news and a great update!

I hope this upward trend continues! :)
 
Going back over this thread, I'm a little leery of the "codependency" thing too. It quickly becomes a filter for (mis)interpreting the situation.

Back in 2000, I moved halfway across the country to spend time with a friend & occasional sexual partner, who had two small businesses at which I fit right in. I'd work long days, then spend the evenings writing & editing book manuscripts.

And I desired her sexually. It seemed for a while to be more than mutual, as she hadn't had a lover for a year previous. But... ever seen Annie Hall? There's a moment where Woody & Annie are asked by their respective shrinks (in split-screen) "How often do you have sex?" She says, "All the time -- two or three times a week." He says, "Hardly ever -- two or three times a week."

Well, that's kinda how we were. My partner started complaining to her friends about these burdensome demands, & not-so-subtly suggested to me that I should be looking for a secondary relationship. She used the "co-dependent" gambit, which I thought was ludicrous, but at least I didn't laugh in her face.:D

Circumstances were such that I took this to heart, though not sexually. A book I'd been wanting for years to write was somehow taking shape. A brewpub down the road started putting on more live music mid-week, so I'd go out a few nights with my laptop, sip on great beer, enjoy the tunes, & maybe have their excellent fish tacos. Then I'd go home, slide happily into bed, & be out like a light, without the least interest in "bothering" her. I still adored her, greatly enjoyed working with her, & found her company endlessly rewarding... but stopped even hinting at sex, figuring she's a grown-ass liberated woman & could darned well initiate it too, without the melodrama.

Problem solved, right?

Soon enough, she started complaining to her friends that I was "withholding sex"!! (And to my knowledge none of her friends had the spine to express curiosity about the situational about-face. They just kept scowling at me when we'd meet.)
 
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