Thanks for the warm welcome and kind words.
I meant no offense. Sorry if I did.
No offense taken. It just seemed strange you mentioned "of course he wanted another woman," as if that is the norm for opening a relationship. It is odd tho that he does want another woman but instead they approached another male. Ie: you.
In fact, it is worlds easier for poly women to get a new male partner than it is for a poly male to get a new female partner. Is he going to try to get himself a gf or FWB soon? There's a chance that might set you mind at ease around an issue you seem to have about "moving in on another man's territory."
To answer some of your questions Magdlyn,
All three of us are straight and it started as purely group sex. I felt extremely awkward that first night since the whole thing was new to me. Them too.
In MFM threeway sex, where both males are straight, the lure would seem to be voyeurism. Maybe a bit of pleasurable cuckoldry. I can see why it would feel very awkward to you to "share" a woman with her husband if you're not much into voyeurism.
Things have since evolved in a different way. All three of us spend time together. We often watch movies with her laid in the middle and enjoying being spread out over both of us. We all eat dinner together and spend time by the fire. I spend a lot of time over at their place and some nights she spends with just me.
That sounds nice and cozy!
I haven't actually taken her out yet, but I do spend time with just her while he is at work sometimes. And he knows. I really enjoy my time with her and he enjoys us being happy.
I think most of my concern stems from my own insecurities and history as far as I tend to get attached.
Well, that's only natural! Having sex with someone and spending pleasant non-sexual time is going to make most people start to feel fond of the other! You're not merely a "sex machine," you're a human, a social being. If you want to get biological about it you could google the hormones released during sex, cuddling and sharing meals that lead to bonding and relaxation and stress relief and a desire to repeat the experience.
IMO, people who do NOT get attached from sex and hanging out are the weird aberrant ones. Plus, the guy is your best friend. You're already attached to him as friends. If he loves his wife, and you love him, it's not weird to feel fond of his wife as well, since you and she probably share qualities your friend finds attractive in both of you. And vice versa.
I've never been a jealous person and there is none involved in this situation.
Lucky! That's one big hurdle most people need to get over.
It's also been a while since I've been in a relationship personally.
The only thing I'm a little uncomfortable with, yet I fully understand is that she tends to tell him everything. From what happens during our sexual encounters to things I tell her about my childhood, or just what books I like. Not that I want to keep any secrets, it just makes me feel a bit awkward hearing some of those things brought up by him during breakfast for instance.
This is actually a quite common problem in polyamory. How much intimate detail, either sexual or otherwise, does the hinge of a V share with the arms of the V? This needs to be discussed clearly and negotiated. You have every right to ask her to not share certain things, either about your sex life with her or with others prior, or intimate details of your past, or tastes, or whatever it is you'd rather keep between you and her! You just need to ask. Does she share things about her husband that you'd rather not hear, as well?
Doing poly well requires clarity of communication... On the other hand, as you get used to this new dynamic, you might feel more relaxed about sharing of information by way of your hinge. That is totally up to you and where your comfort zone lies. I think most experienced polys do draw a line somewhere about what to share and what not to share. Newbies might go so far as to read emails from other loves, our of jealousy and distrust, which I find icky. There are things about my male partners I don't tell my gf. One wore dentures, and I never told her lol.
You might read this article online on the More Than Two website called the Secondary's Bill of Rights for more on that whole area. Great article.
https://www.morethantwo.com/polyforsecondaries.html
I also just worry about what is acceptable on my part. I'm the type of cheesy guy who enjoys giving gifts or small things like bringing ice cream or flowers, yet, it just doesn't seem right to me here.
It's perfectly all right!!! As a guest it's even polite to bring a bottle of wine or some other beverage, or some food when you come to visit. I love to get gifts and so does my (female) anchor partner. We gift each other, and we exult to each other when our respective bfs give us gifts. Her bf once bought her a fit bit. Recently he got her an ankle bracelet. Other bfs have taken her to rather expensive kink fests. My various partners have made me things in their wood shops, or given me flowers, or treated me to a social event, such as a dance event, a concert, out on a boat, a nice meal, etc. If your bff guy got slightly upset over you giving your gf a gift now and then, that's his problem to overcome, I believe.
...Or even if it's ok to simply call her and let her know when I miss her. I guess I'm afraid of falling in love with my best friends girlfriend.
Perfectly understandable, coming from mono culture. I'm glad you came here to get help figuring it all out! It's a strange new world for most of us, and we've all been there.
Communication is very open and everything is out in the open other than some of my own insecurities.
And here's where you need to make changes. I understand you don't want to hurt your friend or lose his friendship. That is a real fear, starting a sexual relationship with a friend, or even a colleague. What if things go wrong and we break up?
But you have rights too, as you'll see if you read that article I linked above.
He and I talk constantly and also hang out still without her. I'm also concerned sometimes about taking away any of his time with her.
Well, of course you are taking away some time, and attention. And if he gets a gf, she will take time away from his wife. This is just what happens in poly. The thing to consider is, maybe taking some time away from each other is actually healthy for the anchor relationship. Personally, I enjoy my me-time when my live in partner goes to her bf's place for an overnight on the weekend, or more recently, for a few hours in the evening mid week as well. I get things done for myself, grooming, shopping for personal items. I watch a movie she may not be interested in. I read, I see other friends. Clean house without her underfoot. Go to the gym. Etc. Sometimes if I'm lucky, I have a romantic partner who is free to hang out while she's away.
We both connect with her but on different levels in different ways. We each give her things that the other can't.
That's the beauty of poly. Even if both partners are the same gender, they offer different things to the hinge of the V.
But the idea of things not working out is definitely scary since I would lose the two best people I currently have in my life.
This is a concern and you should bring it up with them asap!! You could tell them of your fear, and that you hope even if the romantic sexual connection fades, you'll still retain platonic friendship.
As far as my health, I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis a couple years ago. Luckily, so far, it has not created any major damage. But it looms over me constantly about what could happen eventually. And now how any such future issues may affect our current relationship. Or with anyone for that matter.
I'm sorry to hear that! I hope you maintain good health for a long time to come. But frankly? As we get older, we ALL have health issues. I have had a bad back for 20 years. I had a bout with cancer in 2016-17 (I'm cancer free but still in recovery from the damn chemo). My anchor partner has handicaps in her arms, as well as anxiety disorder and ADHD. She's even on disability SS. Does that make her less lovable? No.
We can all fear being "less fun" with our partners than we'd like to be, and more of a burden. But having dated many people, and being married prior to going poly for 30 years, I can assert no one is Superman or a Wonder Woman. We all have health issues, physical or mental, that can impact our romantic relationships. If your partner(s) are decent people, they will make allowances. It's just part of being human, and no reason to avoid relationships altogether! It can actually be enjoyable in a way to care for those we love. It's what humans are drawn to do.
Sorry about the somewhat disjointed ramble and thanks again.
Not disjointed at all. I hope it feels good to share and vent! Keep hanging around!