Questions - new to poly

Eponine31

New member
My partner and I began seeing eachother almost 2 years ago. We went into the relationship agreeing that we would explore poly together. We've built some great communication and a solid foundation for a primary relationship. Well, now it's getting real. He met someone recently and it's moving fast(well, fast to me). We've gone on dates, but nothing serious has really ever happened. We've been talking about it and I realized that he's comfortable having sex after 2 or 3 dates with someone and I'm not. I don't know why I thought he was on the same page with me on that, but we are different people and that's ok. He knows I'd need to meet her first, because that's one of our stipulations. I was more anxious than ever before when he went on their first date. It went well and they're really hitting it off. Now the idea of him having sex with someone else is making me nervous. Not her, she seems awesome, just in general. I've been with partners briefly that were poly and had other relationships and it didn't bother me at all. So, I don't know why it is now. I am so confused why the idea of him having sex with someone else is upsetting me so much, but it really is. Yet, I have felt more compersion and anxiety the past week and a half than I ever have before and I just don't get it. Have others had any of these feelings the first time their partner was ready to be sexual with someone for the first time? Should I be questioning whether I'm actually poly after all? I expressed these concerns to him and we're talking. He asked me to email her and he said sharing concerns and being open with her was fine. So, I did. And now she's chosen to stop seeing him temporarily so we can figure this out which makes me feel horrible. Does anyone have any good articles or posts that would be good for me to read or for him?
 
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I've been reading different articles on here and one quote stands out the most to me. Make decisions out of love and not fear. I see my fears have taken over. Fears of losing him, fears of upsetting him, fears that if he has sex with someone else I won't be able to be physical with him again, fears of what if I'm not poly after all, etc. I'm letting these fears control every decision and emotion. If I take fear out of the equation and I focus on love it's quite a different story. I love him. I love spending time with him and being with him. I love the idea of having a long term relationship and future with him. Hell, I love having sex with him too. I love the idea of poly. I believe that my life and our relationship would be happier being poly than mono. I want him to feel as much love and happiness as possible in this life whether it's through sex or relationships. I want the same for myself.

Now what to do with those fears?
 
This might not be exactly on-point, but there's a TED talk you should watch/listen to ... Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability. I think we tend to feel scared when things seem to be out of control and we think we're very vulnerable to being hurt. Brené Brown advises us not to flee and cower at such times, but to embrace the vulnerability. She explains why.

You might also consider this TED talk ... Stephanie Snyder: Learning to Live. In it, she counsels us to not to hide or flee from the broken parts of ourselves, but to embrace those parts. When you mentioned your concern that you might not be poly, I thought of Stephanie Snyder's talk.

You do not know why you are struggling so much with poly now when it used to come so easily for you. Perhaps you feel like your poly-ness has become broken. You must understand that it's okay if it's broken. You are you, and that is okay. Embrace all of you, not just the parts that seem presentable.

You could share these talks with your partner and maybe it would help.
 
For two years, you and your partner have built a strong foundation for your relationship - and that's great! However, it sounds like the two of you have been de facto monogamous during this time, except for a date here and there which never went anywhere. Seems to me that your trepidation right now is simply a reaction to facing the unknown. You've gotten closer to him, gotten to know yourself better, and developed certain expectations about your relationship that likely have been met, for the most part. Right now, being pretty much monogamous is familiar - but if/when either one of you starts developing another relationship and has sex with someone else, that is unfamiliar. The unknown is always scary. All your insecurities (and we all have them) can rise to the surface, bringing up questions you don't want to face.

You don't have to do anything. Just be. Be the strong, loving partner you are, and be as insecure as are. Be real. You don't have to fix you, and you don't need to ask your bf to change his behavior. Just take a look at your emotional reactions in the way that an anthropologist would look at the cultural practices of a unknown tribe. You acknowledge it with a curiosity: "Hmm, that's interesting - whenever I think about my bf having sex with someone else, my heart starts racing and I feel anxious." And then just sit with it. Be. Your emotions don't have power over you, so don't ascribe heavy-duty meaning to them, and don't base important decisions on them. You may find that the best way to manage those emotional reactions is to shift your focus on the present moment rather than some imaginary, disquieting scenarios in your head. What needs your attention right now, in this present moment ?
 
The more I can talk things out the more helpful it is. Thanks for the clips. I love Brene Brown's work so I actually knew that one.

So, one thing I'm realizing through all my analyzing and theorizing is that monogamy still doesn't make sense to me in any shape or form. That was oen of many guesses at why I was getting anxious which apparently that single guess has shaken things up more than I ever expected. I know I couldn't be happy in a monogamous relationship again. I feel constricted, limited, and not able to fully be myself. I'd feel I was limiting my partner to experience things too.

The broken parts though, I think could relate to. Something still feels broken within our relationship. I've mentioned to him my concerns about how actively he's exploring other relationships, because we just got out of a nasty patch. I hoped he would slow down, but he sped up and I feel our relationship got left behind. Things had been getting better for the past month or so, but I don't think we are fully recovered. It still feels like a shadow of our past relationship. He presents us to others as solid and awesome, but we're really not. Our relationship is different. I keep holding onto this image of how things used to be, but it's not the same and it can't be the same now that I'm a full time mom. I wonder if his pursuit for a relationship right now is to make up for the parts in our relationship that aren't going well. He never pursued it like this before, but suddenly finding a secondary partner takes up a lot of his time(until he finally found one).

I want us to be in a good place, but maybe that place is different. I was hoping that when we moved closer we'd spend more time together but it's less. I've asked for more time and we were working on it. Again, things were getting better. I don't know, it feels like he wants more of a secondary role now. And I've debated that idea a lot and mentioned it to him as well. I think I'd be much more ok with him sleeping with others, less contact, and everything if I think of my daughter as my primary(which she is in a way) and him as a secondary. A friend suggested that I try that in my own mind and see how it feels to change perspectives. We may not have to change anything about our relationship other than the way I think about us.

I appreciate the mindfulness tips. I lead a meditation group and really need to work on those issues through meditation. Thank you both for your support.
 
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Well having a young child to take care of certainly changes your life. I'm sorry your partner couldn't be more understanding about that fact, but maybe transitioning him into a secondary role is the method you need right now to make things work.

Good luck and I hope you'll keep us posted. I think meditation will help too.
 
I feel like he does try to understand, but he has no children so I think that makes it harder. I have a 4 year old and it's not like having a teenager for a single mom. Dating is hard enough without adding that. We started off seeing eachother frequently every other week, because I had joint custody. He was my escape from life and stress. When it's the two of us that's when we are at our best. She'll be with me every day until 2 months in the summer when her dad has her. The little alone time we have seems we are tired, not communicating as well, focused on problems or poly or distractions like tv instead of enjoying each other like we once did. We have glimmers and sparks here and there which is why I hold onto hope. We don't have opportunities to have what we once did. I think we're still figuring out what our new relationship looks like and how to make it work the best. Like I said, maybe it's as secondaries.
 
Seems to make sense.
 
You don't need to create a hierarchy to have multiple relationships. You can see and accept the reality of what each of your partners is capable of giving, love them simply for who they are, and take good care of yourself. No assignment of rank is necessary to do that.
 
Update: We had a good talk tonight. We talked about some of the broken places and we're working on refocusing on the things we enjoy about our relationship. We're both definitely wanting to be poly. I'm working on some of my expectations and working to not hold him to mine and remembering I want him to be happy. I was really glad he met someone that made him giddy. I hope they will explore things again in the near future. All in all good times. I do think that him going on dates, especially when I know they'll be having sex will be hard. But, I will use mindfulness to get through it and remember that he's happy and that I'll see him on our next date. I am still very open to any more tips on dealing with early butterflies when your partner starts dating someone new or first time poly.
 
Just look for things to get your mind off it. A hobby, a night out with friends, a date of your own. Be creative.

Glad to hear you had a good talk.
 
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