Understanding jealousy

I feel awkward refloating this, but upon review I see I forgot to add the very thought that made me respond in the first place. :(

Shaya, your analysis is a really good beginning, merely (IMO) incomplete. To think deeply about the ramifications of interpersonal relating is to reach for understanding of onself & of others, & how can that be a bad thing? ;)
 
Thanks again opalescent and tinwen for your additional titbits. I agree with everything you have written. I find the quality of advice on this forum in general to be highly insightful.

And Ravenscroft, you're right. My understanding of jealousy is just a beginning. I've only experienced it once and felt ashamed because it destroyed my first attempt at polyamory. I've always seen that as a bad thing or as a failure. I'm coming to realise that maybe my jealousy was rational or justified in this case and this realisation is helping me to heal.
 
Thanks for the kind words. I find myself deeply moved by the concept of polyamory and the forum has been useful for me to grow my thoughts and to make sense of the confusing time I went through.

My understanding of jealousy has changed significantly since I first wrote the opening posts thanks to others' feedback both here and elsewhere. If I could rewrite my opening posts, I'd rewrite them with less conviction and more caution - jealousy is sometimes like that for some people but does not always manifest or play out in that manner for everyone.
 
My understanding of jealousy is just a beginning. I've only experienced it once and felt ashamed because it destroyed my first attempt at polyamory. I've always seen that as a bad thing or as a failure.

There is no such thing as a failed relationship. :)
 
Hi Karen. In rereading my own quote, i think it is misleading. My quote was referring to my jealousy and not my relationship. The book morethantwo and other polynormative resources that I happened to be reading at the time cast jealousy in a negative light. Hence my statement, "I'd always seen (jealousy) as a bad thing or (seen jealousy) as a failure (in myself)."

My feelings about jealousy always seem to be evolving. I currently feel that jealousy in polyamory is often just a hangover from monogamy, to be "owned" by oneself, but sometimes jealousy signals real problems in a relationship dynamic that needs addressing. I also see a complex interplay between jealousy and NRE, but there's a thread for that elsewhere.

Sorry for the ambiguity in the first place. Hope the clarification gives newcomers to polyamory a perspective of jealousy different to that of most polynormative resources. I'm sure I (or someone else) will update this in future with an evolving view of jealousy.
 
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I currently feel that jealousy in polyamory is often just a hangover from monogamy, to be "owned" by oneself, but sometimes jealousy signals real problems in a relationship dynamic that needs addressing.

Jealousy is a feeling that's naturally occurring in nature and as such, needs to be respected much more than is generally the case in all of that "polynormative literature" you reference. Where many people run into trouble is in efforts to overcome jealousy instead of recognizing that it's an alarm signal and sounding off for very good reason. Whether that reason is the desire to own, (granted, a desire of debatable benefit) or insecurity, the alarm is nevertheless sounding off. Where I see a lot of people run into trouble is when they respond to that alarm with, "I shouldn't even have this alarm system set up in me, so I think I'll try to dismantle it, but geez, that blaring air raid signal is sooo loud!!!" Our emotions aren't experiences to be overcome and controlled, they are our guidance system and always steering us in the "right" direction. The problem is, many people do not respect what their feelings and intuition are telling them. Jealousy exists for a reason and no amount of effort to overcome jealousy is going to change someone who's not ready for multiple love relationships into someone who is. Jealousy indeed signals problems in a relationship and like fear and worry, is an emotion that comes from pain. What do we do when the body feels pain? STOP whatever it is we're doing! Stop, back off, slow down, respect the pain. It's there to protect the body from further injury. Same with our negative emotions.

Jealousy, in and of itself, is not a problem. Many people take jealousy as a sign of affection, devotion, love - and the absence of it as a sign of disinterest. Doesn't mean these people need to overcome anything or that they're neanderthals, it just means that they do not want to share their love mates. They respect jealousy and respond immediately with no internal discord - therefor, no big relationship problem. There's a reason that Mother Nature wants the majority of mates to protect what's "theirs" and there are often good reasons for jealous feelings. The poly community obviously questions this and says that not everyone experiences jealousy and in fact, celebrates shared loves ones, and of course this a beautiful concept that some of our world seems to be opening up to. But the fact remains that jealousy is not a failure, nor is it a shameful emotion to be overridden. It's a strong, clear, internal alarm that if not respected, will find other even more powerful ways to deliver its message.
 
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Glad to contribute to the discussion, RC. :)

I only figured this stuff out from having tried things the other way for so long. :eek:
 
Interesting.

I've always viewed jealousy as "bad". Perhaps that wasn't the right word, or too simplistic.

The feeling itself is not bad, it's what you do with it.

Thinking back to my last jealous partner...it was mono. It was bad. It consumed her. It was caused by low self esteem. She didn't deal with it, with herself. I did nothing to cause her to be jealous other than to exist on the same planet with other women. It totally wrecked that relationship.

My last bout with jealousy was with Cat when we opened up. That was something of an ownership thing, plus my own insecurities. But I dealt with the root cause and the jealousy went away.

So when I say it's bad, I really mean it is a symptom of something bad. It is definitely something to deal with.
 
Thinking back to my last jealous partner...it was mono. It was bad. It consumed her. It was caused by low self esteem. She didn't deal with it, with herself. I did nothing to cause her to be jealous other than to exist on the same planet with other women. It totally wrecked that relationship.
That's exactly what I was describing above. She is a monogamous person who did not respect her jealousy (and say no thank you to poly) and instead tried to barrel through a situation that was never going to bring her joy, as I recall. Hence, the misery and the wrecking of the relationship. She went ballistic over other women on your planet because our negative feelings always get louder and louder when we don't listen to what they are telling us. You, on the other hand, respected what jealousy was trying to communicate when you started with Cat. You slowed down, probably did quite a bit of self-reflection, maybe with some support, and you listened to your internal guidance and it eventually gave you the all-clear to proceed ahead with poly. Jealousy, in and of itself, is not good or bad - it is guidance. Each person will feel it for his/her own reasons. People who respect what it's communicating to them will have a much smoother experience than people who try to ignore it.
 
That's exactly what I was describing above. She is a monogamous person who did not respect her jealousy (and say no thank you to poly) and instead tried to barrel through a situation that was never going to bring her joy, as I recall. Hence, the misery and the wrecking of the relationship. She went ballistic over other women on your planet because our negative feelings always get louder and louder when we don't listen to what they are telling us. You, on the other hand, respected what jealousy was trying to communicate when you started with Cat. You slowed down, probably did quite a bit of self-reflection, maybe with some support, and you listened to your internal guidance and it eventually gave you the all-clear to proceed ahead with poly. Jealousy, in and of itself, is not good or bad - it is guidance. Each person will feel it for his/her own reasons. People who respect what it's communicating to them will have a much smoother experience than people who try to ignore it.

Well the jealousy was always an ongoing thing even before any of that. For instance, we would go out to a club and she would get angry with me if she saw another woman looking in my direction. I wouldn't even be aware of the other woman.

The funny thing is it was her that initiated things in the poly direction. Can you imagine the fallout if things had been reversed and she walked in on me and a friend?

She didn't ignore her jealousy. She reacted to it, or with it. So that's a third thing, becoming reactionary.

So there are three ways to deal with jealousy:

1. Ignore it or suppress it.
2. Become reactionary.
3. Recognize it, deal with the root cause.

Put like that it kind of reminds me of anger, which I don't consider a healthy emotion either.
 
You forgot:


4. Respect it
Becoming reactionary isn't respecting one's jealous feelings.


To say that negative emotions are unhealthy is like saying the physical pain receptors in the body are unhealthy. In and of themselves, they are not unhealthy. They are vital to a working organism and exist precisely to keep the body healthy and warn the body where damage is happening so that the body's owner can withdraw, rest, heal and proceed. When we don't respect pain, it gets worse until somehow, someway, we do start listening. Same with negative emotions. They exist to guide us and and to keep us moving in a healthy direction. Negative emotion actually doesn't stick around very long if you stop, allow yourself to feel it and let it deliver its message. It's the resisting (disrespecting) of a negative emotion that starts to wreak havoc and gives us what we colloquially call an unhealthy experience. But in actuality, the negative emotion is present in order to keep our mental health intact - and it will, if we respect the message of the pain.
 
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