I haven't had to deal with spouse (then bf) spending time with other women in DECADES. Back then we were not exclusive and the deal was simply "tell me if it is looking to go lover so I can make decisions about my sex health. Either continue in your network with other lovers of yours or not." We both thought that fair. He didn't get too much into who I also was seeing and I didn't get into his. We knew they existed, but we also gave each other space.
I think because we started that way, understanding each other? It's been different for us than for a couple who comes together, and then one or the other realizes they are poly AFTER they are married.
He knew all this about me well before. There's no surprises. It helps that he is mostly monoamorous (wants me as his one sweetie) but is relationship shape flexible. He doesn't care if it is monogamous or a V or whatever. So long as I'm understood and get to talk about my poly stuff when I want? I don't care if it is a V or just us or what. I'm also relationship shape flexible. It helps we both want the same things in life -- basic home and kids and jobs that are interesting enough and make enough money to pay the bills. We're not loaded, but we do ok. And to us? Average happy home is actually EXCELLENT.
I accepted that over a life time, things can change. It already has. I was single, I was dating one at a time, I was partnered, I was single, I was dating several at once, I was in a V thing, I was coupled, I got married, it was just kids, now it's kids and old people. It BEEN old people. If I'm honest? I'm sick of the old people and mostly wait for them to finish dying off so there's less on my plate. They do not call Alzheimer "the long goodbye" for nothing!
But eventually the old people will die off and no more kids. It will be ADULT kids. I will BECOME the "new old people." Just like the kids will become the "new adults." I'll be in yet ANOTHER stage of my life.
So is this that? Mourning the loss of the old married relationship? While the "new normal" is still not quite here in this new open/poly marriage relationship? Entering a different stage of your life?
We do need to make more time for dates. We have two kids so sometimes that's not easy in it's self. Mix in her partner and work and finances et. It becomes harder. That is something I do plan on working on though.
I SO much resonate with this! Right now we are SO swamped with kidcare an elders we barely have space for self care and couple care.
If he started making extra time and effort to court a
new person? I'd be annoyed because I've been wait listed for a long time. How about honoring commitments in order made first? Before making NEW ones with other people? Cuz I'm here waiting still. Why's this new person get to cut the line? I don't mind sharing his attention, but I do mind being taken for granted.
Fortunately we agree about not piling on more people when we are spread too thin as it is. We are OVER-saturated.
One way we manage monthly dates ALONE without babysitters is to both take the same day off and have a daytime date so kids are off in school.
Another way is to stay up late when they go to bed and have an in house date cooking interesting things from Plated or Chefd or similar. (We like cooking together.) Or watch movies, board games, simple have some wine and converstion, etc. Take an interest in the other one, reconnect.
I also call up friends and offer to trade. I'll take their kids so they can get out, and then they take mine. That helps with the cost.
Other times we simply put the money aside and gladly PAY someone to babysit. It means the date part has to be CHEAP -- like a walk in the park and ice cream. But it is what it is. It's an investment in our remaining close and not drifting apart over time because all this other "life busy" gets in the way.
Sometimes? You have to invest in what is actually important and say "screw it!" to the rest. You pay the price of admission -- in babysitter money, in a cheaper date, in the lawn looking a mess, in the laundry piles on the sofa never put away, etc.
You value (keeping up the connection to the person) more than (keeping up with the "stuff.")
She gravitates to him and then when he is gone if she isn't focused on US then there is no energy. It goes right back to being a commonplace marriage.
I do not resonate with this. You almost sound like you
expect that in a long term marriage that the people will start taking each other for granted and no longer take the time to attend to each other and maintain connection. That they stop courting. And like maybe if she wasn't dating this new dude opening your eyes to the fact that she still is capable of courting, you'd be ok just going along with the blah/meh no-more-courting marriage. Is that it?
I've been married for decades BECAUSE we keep attending to each other and we do keep courting. If it went stale? I'd stop being married. I'm not going to stay in a marriage that is spiritually dead just going through the motions.
If her NRE thing is holding up a mirror to show that neither of you has been attending to the marriage's health? Maybe you guys could talk about that.
- Is it that you got lost amid the life busy and need to reconnect and both want to try? (repair/replenish)
- Is the NRE fine, but she's all gushing la-las and you prefer her not to gush at you with that stuff? So you need new personal boundaries? (reorganize)
- Is it that one/both have just been phoning it in for a long time and not really vested in the marriage all that much any more? (acknowledge and finish parting)
- Is it something else? (???)
I encourage you to talk and find out.
One of the things poly does is shine a light on all the existing cracks. One seen?
I think it's either recommit and do the repairing, replenishing, and/or reorganizing of boundaries and work to strengthen the relationship. Or accept it's going meh, nobody has the energy to revive it, and finish breaking apart.
Galagirl