I'm in over my head.

A joyful time

I'm having the time of my life with T right now in NYC. I've smiled so much my teeth have a tan! Laughed loved, held hands walked and talked. Horse and buggy tour of central park, had awesome midday sex and are now getting ready for the Met opera tonight.

A surprise passionate kiss and embrace on our way back to the hotel has made this a perfect day.

This is what I want remember. This!
 
Oh, I ddn't know she was there with you. So great you 2 took a trip together and are reconnecting! :)
 
Yay you!

I'm so glad you're having an amazing time. No matter what else happens (and in marriage, a lot happens), you two are the core. And that core needs the kind of nurturing and pampering you're doing. So, yay you!
 
And as we bring our evening to a close.....

....I can only wonder at the oddness of it all. The American ballet theater company performing Don Quixote at the Metropolitan. Dinner at an excellent Italian restaurant and now, off to bed.

Night folks. Its been a stellar day. Talk to you all tomorrow.

Freetime.

P.S. Welcome to the fun FHC. There are some very good people here. You'll fit right in.
 
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Amongst all the craziness....

....is a great deal of love, light and laughter. This week has been one of the best times of my life and one of the most touching for me of my marriage.

I've had a few unexpected sorrow filled moments, but most of this trip was spent in love and laughter. As we get ready to go out tonight after a fantastic time in NYC. I've noticed T making every effort to love, touch and compliment me on everything from my looks to my touch. Anyone struggling with a mono partner should pay attention to this as it carries great power in overcoming fear and worry.

Yes I know T isn't leaving me, yes I know M2 isn't trying to take her away from me, but when the angry little monkey gets scared what he knows and what he feels are two entirely different things. So that's where Ts efforts make a huge difference.

I don't always need reassurances, most days I'm good to go, but it sure feels amazing and powerful when your partner of 20 years notices and acknowledges you. I'm working on improving and focusing on what I see T doing for me/us in this journey, the things she's saying and doing to make this transition easier for me. NRE sometimes gets her focused on M2 but that's to be expected, he's a good guy who's really into T, and what man or woman doesn't appreciate and enjoy that?

I,m off to my first poly event tonight and will let you know how it goes.

Roller coaster ride:
Saturday: aaaaaaarg! Ack! Pain! More pain!
Sunday: sniffle sniffle sad sad
Monday: sad happy joyfull in love
Tuesday: happy joyful in love sad more love
Wednesday: love light and laughter all day long.

Poly, why doesn't it come with a map?
 
Really?

Old tired and replaceable. I'll be married 20 yrs tomorrow and I'm wondering what was the fucking point? No idea.

I have glimpses of this working out, I'm meeting some very cool people I otherwise wouldn't have and have had some truly awesome experiences in these past 3 months. I'm forming some close friendships/relationships and for that I am very grateful. No way I'd be where I am without them. You know who you are :) Thank you.

But I have a life to rebuild, and I'm on my own there, so I have some decisions to make. To much. Just far far to much.
 
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What happened in the last six days that took you from "love light and laughter" back to a dark place?

Reality. There's not one area of my life not in flux, changing or in danger of tipping over. I'm not in a dark place, Just one that needs a lot of attention and I'm feeling pretty much on my own to deal with it. wa wa snivel snivel.

I know what I need to do, I just don't know how right now, and I'm pissed off at well....just about everybody, but mostly me. It'll pass. My days are easy days compared to 90 days ago, but that doesn't mean I'm Happy Joyous and free, 24/7 well at least not yet.

What I'm really pissed off at right now is the feeling I got played.

Story: "if it's to much or isn't working we can stop, take a break, walk away".
What was inferred here is "without regret or remorse".

Reality: if we do stop, take a break or walk away it'll be a sad, sorrow filled experience that will only lead to an unhappy marriage or divorce.

The story gave me a sense of say in all of this that didn't leave me feeling like a selfish self centered asshole. Oh well.

The reality plays out entirely differently, as we've seen. Grrrrrrrrrr.

My wife T is happy. A new friend explained it like this: Your wife T gets to experience all of her life now and not hide or withhold that part of herself from you. Asking her to stop would be asking her to live a smaller life then she wants/needs. Good for all involved, or so I'm told. T and I have had some truly sublime moments of late in our lives. Touching and significant.

But it's painful at times to watch my wife having the time of her life, emotionally, sexually and intellectually while I struggle with my stuff, ya know?

But that's not the issue, not really.

Me? I want to be completely self supporting in all areas of my life again and that's not happening fast enough for me. I'm impatient.

Creating a company or getting a Job gives me options I don't have right now, getting a degree creates opportunities also not available to me at present. So, for now I'm along for the ride regardless of what happens, and that my friend isn't just annoying, it's very embarrassing.

I'm not a stupid man, but I've been careless with my life and I am now facing up to just how much work I have in front of me to correct that. Painful.

I'm not even certain I should be posting this here as the real issue(s) isn't poly, it's my lack of self esteem.

I'm forming friendships/relationships with members of the opposite sex. Intimate but non sexual...at this time. I've gone for long walks, great talks and have been asked out on a date. Awesome fun and flattering to say the least. I'm very grateful to have this in my life right now, and stunned anyones interested. Sure feels good though.

Old tired and replaceable. I'll be married 20 yrs tomorrow and I'm wondering what was the fucking point? No idea. this will pass.....I hope. But today it is what it is.

Thanks for asking MT, gave me reason to look.
 
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I find it very interesting how parallel what we have been going through is. I think we both have a lot of the same issues (even if we write them differently). Good luck. I really think you just need to stop poly all together, and give the concept time to sink in. If you are like me, it's going to be a hard change to accept. If T is as supportive as she seems, I'm sure she can take a break, and at least get back to what was comfortable for you, while you adjust to the change in ideals.
 
I'm not even certain I should be posting this here as the real issue(s) isn't poly, it's my lack of self esteem.

Create a post in the blog sections (post a hyperlink back to this post) - then you can post whatever you want :p

Me? I want to be completely self supporting in all areas of my life again and that's not happening fast enough for me. I'm impatient.

Your not alone on this one. I've been working on this myself.

I'm forming friendships/relationships with members of the opposite sex. Intimate but non sexual...at this time. I've gone for long walks, great talks and have been asked out on a date. Awesome fun and flattering to say the least. I'm very grateful to have this in my life right now, and stunned anyones interested. Sure feels good though.

YEAH! This is a very good thing. I think we can get so caught up with home life, that we let these things slide and then finally we look around and say WTF I used to have lots of friends.

It has taken me nearly 9 months of knowing I needed to do SOMETHING to actually making the step to be in a position to have new people around me. First I had to get my head on straight and fight some depression (still working on that one), then I had to decide what I wanted to do. I have been working up to going a group, researching them, etc for 3-4 months, then after 2 visits I just jumped right in. It felt like everything was moving in slow motion for months, then all of a sudden it was full spead ahead. It's so cool to know others that have many of the same interests as I do (stuff my husband has no interest in).
 
Thanks SNeacail, Beodude123,

I appreciate the advice and feedback.

Here's the thing though for anyone new to Poly, What's the real issue here? Time after time I'm finding out that what I thought was the problem......really isn't.

gotta run, be back later.
 
My wife T is happy. A new friend explained it like this: Your wife T gets to experience all of her life now and not hide or withhold that part of herself from you. Asking her to stop would be asking her to live a smaller life then she wants/needs. Good for all involved, or so I'm told. T and I have had some truly sublime moments of late in our lives. Touching and significant.

But it's painful at times to watch my wife having the time of her life, emotionally, sexually and intellectually while I struggle with my stuff, ya know?

But that's not the issue, not really.

Me? I want to be completely self supporting in all areas of my life again and that's not happening fast enough for me. I'm impatient.

Creating a company or getting a Job gives me options I don't have right now, getting a degree creates opportunities also not available to me at present. So, for now I'm along for the ride regardless of what happens, and that my friend isn't just annoying, it's very embarrassing.

I'm not a stupid man, but I've been careless with my life and I am now facing up to just how much work I have in front of me to correct that. Painful.

Ahh, Freetime, we are all works in progress. The other day I was thinking about how old I am(51) and all the many things I've not accomplished nor experienced yet. I made myself really sad, depressed, and started to criticize everything about who I am and how I have lived my life. Now, what is the purpose in that? Sure, have goals and make a five-year plan, break it down to :"what do I need to do today" to get there, but beating yourself up isn't the way.

It's like we have a lovely little flower, sitting in a pretty flowerpot, and then we take a hammer and smash its blossoms, yelling "Grow! Damn it, grow!" Growth needs nurturing, the right nutritious ingredients, and patience.

As far as your wife having the "time of her life," while you struggle -- that's the thing about marriage. Sometimes partners take turns, like playing leap frog. You'll feel like you're stuck on the ground while she leaps carefree ahead of you, but remember that she needed your support to do that. There will be the day when she turns around and supports you, while you leap ahead, and she seems to stand still. In marriage, you may be equal partners, but not always equal in experience.

Be kind to your self. You are doing fine and I think you're a gem. Really, I do.
 
Ahh, Freetime, we are all works in progress. The other day I was thinking about how old I am(51) and all the many things I've not accomplished nor experienced yet. I made myself really sad, depressed, and started to criticize everything about who I am and how I have lived my life. Now, what is the purpose in that? Sure, have goals and make a five-year plan, break it down to :"what do I need to do today" to get there, but beating yourself up isn't the way.

It's like we have a lovely little flower, sitting in a pretty flowerpot, and then we take a hammer and smash its blossoms, yelling "Grow! Damn it, grow!" Growth needs nurturing, the right nutritious ingredients, and patience.

As far as your wife having the "time of her life," while you struggle -- that's the thing about marriage. Sometimes partners take turns, like playing leap frog. You'll feel like you're stuck on the ground while she leaps carefree ahead of you, but remember that she needed your support to do that. There will be the day when she turns around and supports you, while you leap ahead, and she seems to stand still. In marriage, you may be equal partners, but not always equal in experience.

Be kind to your self. You are doing fine and I think you're a gem. Really, I do.

nycindie, You made my day. Thank you.
 
Seriously, Freetime, you're doing amazingly. I've pointed people to your thread a couple of times and I always say, "But don't expect (your partner) to move as quickly as Freetime. I've never seen anyone work through their shit that quickly!"

Focus on how far you've come, not how much is left in the journey. Only one is within your control.
 
I tell lies

It's true. I do. I reread this entire thread making sure I was paying attention to what advice was being offered up when I noticed I seemed to obsess on one particular idea/comment made more than once throughout this thread.

I've done this by hiding a lie inside a truth. (it's a gift, what can I say?)

I'm going to parse the 1 comment into 3 and offer up comment on exactly how and where I place the lie. Sound like fun? OK! let's begin!!

"If I ask T to stop/slow down, she would."

In my posts where I say this, I infer without regret, remorse or consequence, which is just not the case at all. T has made it very clear that to do this will in fact cause all sorts of emotional upheaval. You don't offer someone a puppy and then tell them they can't play with it anymore a week later without creating anger sadness and confusion. I tell/ believe this lie because it creates the illusion I can turn this off anytime I want too.
It's true T would stop, it's not true without regret,remorse or consequence.

I tell this lie because it gives me a sense or feeling of control in this journey.

"But I cannot-will not ask that of her because it would only delay the inevitable and stop her from living the life she was meant to."

This is my John Wayne feel good moment, where I ignore how badly I hurt and how frightened I am, and decide to take one for the team.
Where I say Cannot-will not is a lie. I can, have and will do so again. because of my fear of the consequences I always reverse my stance and soldier forward, eating a big bowl of fear with my cheerios in the morning. I am much more comfortable now about all of this then when we started, but I am by no means fear free or convinced this is going to be good for me. But i am trying.

And as for stopping T from doing anything? Good luck with that. I tell this particular lie because I sound, at least to me more like a loving caring husband and less of a selfish bastard.

"And I'm not that guy"

yes I am. It's pretty clear by my actions I am exactly that guy. I'm just trying really hard not to be. But I am getting better at it.

So what was-is the purpose for this wee reality check? I'm not sure, but it helped to do it.

"if I ask T to stop/slowdown, she would. But I cannot-will not ask that of her because it would only delay the inevitable and stop her from living the life she was meant to, and I'm not that guy."



I love you T. I truly do. I hope when you read this thread that you see that,(the love) and how hard I'm trying baby, but I need a break. I'm tired sweety, real tired. You have to let me go for a bit, I know that scares you, but I will come back. Promise.

Happy 20th Anniversary baby.

Freetime.
 
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Slowing down is very different from stopping. You've done a lot of processing and work; I don't think it's unreasonable for you to need her to slow down while you mentally catch, so that you're in better shape to tackle the next bunch of work that inevitably needs to be done.

What sorts of boundaries have you got now? And how can you expand on those to allow you a little breathing space?

I mean, when you're feeling good, you probably don't hesitate to give her more freedom, relax your existing boundaries. So why do you deserve any different? :)
 
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This is going to sound kind of selfish, but at the same time, I don't think it is all that unreasonable. But at what point do you stop sacrificing, so she can be happy? If you aren't happy, I'm sure it brings T down as well. She has decided to come forth with the change, I don't think it's unfair to wait for you to be okay with things before moving on.

When Jen and I went in, we pretty much got right into things, and it was waaaay too fast. I know it's been hard on Jen, but I think the most important part is for you two to be okay, right? There is obviously a lot of internal struggle with things for you.
 
I don't even know what "slow down" means TP.

Less lust? Less texting? less talking?, less truth? Which one should I ask T to slow down?

There have been only a very few days in the past 80+ that were fear free. I treasure those days and I am grateful to see myself getting more in tune with reality, but asking T to slow down just doesn't work here, it's dishonest in my opinion. T is acting out right now, fully exploring and expressing her emotions and desires for maybe the first time in her life. Much less pretense, much more truth. It's pretty raw at times, but NRE and self discovery are in there own right, very powerful. She's growing into the woman the universe always meant her to be, and when I look at her as my best friend, I am joyful and excited for what she's experiencing and for who she is swiftly becoming.

How do I slow that down? Why would I want to?

Fear tells me to slowdown, stop, run away or go back to what was.
Love tells me to encourage, support and embrace my wife completely in this.

Poly pervades my thoughts feelings and activities. But even so I have a much bigger pie to eat than Poly. I'm not just trying to save my marriage, I'm trying to save my life.

However I do need to slowdown or stop the mental, emotional spiritual Rollercoaster I'm currently on and go get right with myself and the universe .All of this internal work/ struggle/ growth has left me weary.

I want to take a roadtrip TP, go to the west coast for a few weeks and hang out with people who, like you, cared enough for one scared Human being to reach out and offer hope.

This scares T. and in a way me too. We've never not once in the 20 yrs of marriage spent more then 10 days a part. Ts afraid I won't come back, I'm afraid she wont want me back.

So there we go my friend. Thank you for encouraging and supporting me through this TP. You're a truly awesome human being.
 
I want to take a roadtrip TP, go to the west coast for a few weeks and hang out with people who, like you, cared enough for one scared Human being to reach out and offer hope.

This scares T. and in a way me too. We've never not once in the 20 yrs of marriage spent more then 10 days a part. Ts afraid I won't come back, I'm afraid she wont want me back.

So there we go my friend. Thank you for encouraging and supporting me through this TP. You're a truly awesome human being.

You know it might be good for you to take that road trip and for her to experience some of the same fear that you've been dealing with. Not as a punishment but as a tool to bring you closer together. By facing the fear and having you come back to her after your trip she might have a better understanding about how you fear that you might lose her and your marriage in this poly journey. (Plus people on the west coast are awesome :D)
 
PS your location description is awesome (being that I'm from that town and and it's far too accurate...yeehaw time is just round the corner!)
 
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