What happened in the last six days that took you from "love light and laughter" back to a dark place?
Reality. There's not one area of my life not in flux, changing or in danger of tipping over. I'm not in a dark place, Just one that needs a lot of attention and I'm feeling pretty much on my own to deal with it. wa wa snivel snivel.
I know what I need to do, I just don't know how right now, and I'm pissed off at well....just about everybody, but mostly me. It'll pass. My days are easy days compared to 90 days ago, but that doesn't mean I'm Happy Joyous and free, 24/7 well at least not yet.
What I'm really pissed off at right now is the feeling
I got played.
Story: "if it's to much or isn't working we can stop, take a break, walk away".
What was inferred here is "without regret or remorse".
Reality: if we do stop, take a break or walk away it'll be a sad, sorrow filled experience that will only lead to an unhappy marriage or divorce.
The story gave me a sense of say in all of this that didn't leave me feeling like a selfish self centered asshole. Oh well.
The reality plays out entirely differently, as we've seen. Grrrrrrrrrr.
My wife T is happy. A new friend explained it like this: Your wife T gets to experience all of her life now and not hide or withhold that part of herself from you. Asking her to stop would be asking her to live a smaller life then she wants/needs. Good for all involved, or so I'm told. T and I have had some truly sublime moments of late in our lives. Touching and significant.
But it's painful at times to watch my wife having the time of her life, emotionally, sexually and intellectually while I struggle with my stuff, ya know?
But that's not the issue, not really.
Me? I want to be completely self supporting in all areas of my life again and that's not happening fast enough for me. I'm impatient.
Creating a company or getting a Job gives me options I don't have right now, getting a degree creates opportunities also not available to me at present. So, for now I'm along for the ride regardless of what happens, and that my friend isn't just annoying, it's very embarrassing.
I'm not a stupid man, but I've been careless with my life and I am now facing up to just how much work I have in front of me to correct that. Painful.
I'm not even certain I should be posting this here as the real issue(s) isn't poly, it's my lack of self esteem.
I'm forming friendships/relationships with members of the opposite sex. Intimate but non sexual...at this time. I've gone for long walks, great talks and have been asked out on a date. Awesome fun and flattering to say the least. I'm very grateful to have this in my life right now, and stunned anyones interested. Sure feels good though.
Old tired and replaceable. I'll be married 20 yrs tomorrow and I'm wondering what was the fucking point? No idea. this will pass.....I hope. But today it is what it is.
Thanks for asking MT, gave me reason to look.