Hey. (Sock Puppet Trolling Thread - Closed)

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Daffodil

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Hey everyone.

I have been reading these threads for a long time and have gotten some valuable advice from others on here in similar situations such as I am in with my husband. I have gotten a lot of great advice as to the strength of a love through many obstacles over many years together and it has given me hope and strength.

We have been open for several years. He has been much more active than I have been due to unfortunate circumstances but I have always been supportive of him and the choices he has made with other women. I am friendly with several of his previous girlfriends.

However, I am struggling with this latest one. They have been together for quite a while and are in love with each other. At first, I tolerated her, tried to like her. But now I really just want her out of the picture. She hasn't really done anything to warrant my distaste but I do feel slightly threatened by her and her connection with my husband. I should thank her first; she inspired a competitive streak in me that never existed before and now I want my husband more than ever; not so much because I want him, but because I don't want her to have him.

I know I sound selfish with that statement but I am sure there are others that feel that way about their Metamour too. I do have a LDR with another man, so it's not that I am mono. I just don't want her around. How do I make my husband see the light here without issuing a veto?

Advice is welcome.

*Smiles*
Daffodil

MOD NOTE FOLLOWS:
On further examination of this thread, it's become apparent that this entire thread is a troll by newtoday, using Daffodil as a sock puppet.

This thread will remain closed, and can be safely ignored by readers who might have otherwise been concerned for the OP's well being...since they don't exist.

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hi and welcome,

How long have they been in a relationship? what quite a while ...

Have you discussed this vibe or feeling you get about her with your husband ?

Pretty hard to get someone to see a light that's not really there..."she hasn't really done anything to warrant my distaste "
 
She hasn't really done anything to warrant my distaste but I do feel slightly threatened by her and her connection with my husband. I should thank her first; she inspired a competitive streak in me that never existed before and now I want my husband more than ever; not so much because I want him, but because I don't want her to have him.

...

I just don't want her around. How do I make my husband see the light here without issuing a veto?
A couple questions for you:
What light is it that you want your husband to see? You seem somewhat neutral about her actual character, but apparently there's some flaw or something that you wish your husband to notice.

Second, if you manage a veto, or even to get rid of her without one, what purpose would it serve? What advantage would you gain from their breakup?

Is the spite you express for her worth the misery that your husband will experience when they break up?
 
How long have they been in a relationship? what quite a while ...

Have you discussed this vibe or feeling you get about her with your husband ?

Pretty hard to get someone to see a light that's not really there..."she hasn't really done anything to warrant my distaste "

Hey there,

Thank you for your reply!

I'm unsure exactly how long they have been together. I didn't pay attention in the beginning as he has been seeing many women casually over the years since we opened our relationship. I believe it's been about 18 months.

I have spoken to my husband, yes, but not in an inflammatory way. He is quite taken with her so I don't want to upset the boat too much. He is intent on continuing his relationship with her

A couple questions for you:
What light is it that you want your husband to see? You seem somewhat neutral about her actual character, but apparently there's some flaw or something that you wish your husband to notice.

Second, if you manage a veto, or even to get rid of her without one, what purpose would it serve? What advantage would you gain from their breakup?

Is the spite you express for her worth the misery that your husband will experience when they break up?

My husband will get over it. He always does. Although he cares about her, she is his secondary. He will still have me.

The problem is, there is nothing wrong with her character. She is everything he enjoys and appreciates in a woman, attributes that I can't offer, and I guess the fear is that he would prefer being with her than being with me.

The only advantage is that I won't have to see this woman and the effect that she has on my husband and I can sleep better at night knowing that he's home with me rather than enjoying her.

I realize that I sound selfish and perhaps I am, but it's MY marriage. Not hers. I need to protect that in whichever way I can.

*smiles*
 
My husband will get over it. He always does. Although he cares about her, she is his secondary. He will still have me.

The problem is, there is nothing wrong with her character. She is everything he enjoys and appreciates in a woman, attributes that I can't offer, and I guess the fear is that he would prefer being with her than being with me.

The only advantage is that I won't have to see this woman and the effect that she has on my husband and I can sleep better at night knowing that he's home with me rather than enjoying her.

I realize that I sound selfish and perhaps I am, but it's MY marriage. Not hers. I need to protect that in whichever way I can.

*smiles*

Wow. Aren't you just a treasure? :confused:

Please explain WHY you are in a poly relationship when clearly you are too insecure to handle this new love in a mature way?

You're right. She does offer him more ; less selfishness and more sincerity for starters.

You should find a forum for Managing Open Relationships/Swinging. This forum is not the place for you.

Good luck.
 
My husband will get over it. He always does. Although he cares about her, she is his secondary. He will still have me.

The problem is, there is nothing wrong with her character. She is everything he enjoys and appreciates in a woman, attributes that I can't offer, and I guess the fear is that he would prefer being with her than being with me.

The only advantage is that I won't have to see this woman and the effect that she has on my husband and I can sleep better at night knowing that he's home with me rather than enjoying her.

I realize that I sound selfish and perhaps I am, but it's MY marriage. Not hers. I need to protect that in whichever way I can.

Tell him that you are that threatened by her very existence in his life. He needs to know that you are this upset, even if it is rooted in selfishness and profound insecurity.

However, don't expect him to DO anything about it. Why? Because you are the problem in the marriage. Not him. Not her. You.

It's up to you to figure out why you feel this terribly insecure with this particular woman's relationship with your husband. Lots of people have insecurity and jealousy when they compare themselves to their partner's other partners. It's really common. However, it is the problem of the person having the insecurity to deal with it, with the assistance and loving support of one's partner(s).

Getting rid of this other woman won't solve anything. She's not the problem. I guarantee it that there will be other women who will feel just as threatening to you as she does today. You will still be just as insecure and jealous and threatened as you are now. You have the opportunity to grow denied to a monogamous person. Take advantage of it.

You don't need to be best buds with your husband's girlfriend. But for your own sake as a human being and for the sake of your marriage, figure out why you are so terribly threatened and how to manage and grow beyond those emotions.
 
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So is the first person that he has fallen in love with? Is that the issue here? The rest were all super-casual, and obviously transitory. This one, if he is truly in love with her, may not be. Maybe that is why you feel threatened by her.

Polyamory is about falling in love with many people in an open and honest way. It seems to me like the only reason you have a problem with this is that it's working rather too well for him...
 
My husband will get over it. He always does. Although he cares about her, she is his secondary. He will still have me.

Will he want you if you give him an ultimatum? My partner would kick me to the curb, and rightly so, because if my metamour's only sin is being loved by him, guess what? That's poly! And it's exactly what I signed on for!

Guess what else? If he's poly, that means he can love both of you at once. That's kind of the appeal of the setup for me. The nature of polyamory is such that if he falls in love with someone else, he wouldn't have to leave either of his current partners. Likewise, if I fall in love with someone else, I get to have both of them!

Just what did you and your husband agree to in the first place?

I realize that I sound selfish and perhaps I am, but it's MY marriage. Not hers. I need to protect that in whichever way I can.

*smiles*

She may not be married to him, but after eighteen months together, they're definitely in long-term commitment territory, which means you should've voiced your objections when it started.

Except, of course, that you couldn't be arsed to pay attention to him then. *smiles*
 
How have you been married ? How you into the marriage did you decide to open it up ? ....and why ?

How many bf's have you had during your marriage .....and how long with rthe current one ?
 
However, don't expect him to DO anything about it. Why? Because you are the problem in the marriage. Not him. Not her. You.

Getting rid of this other woman won't solve anything. She's not the problem. I guarantee it that there will be other women who will feel just as threatening to you as she does today.

Why am I the problem? He is MY husband, not hers? Getting rid of her solves today's problem. Tomorrow is another day.

So is the first person that he has fallen in love with? Is that the issue here? The rest were all super-casual, and obviously transitory. This one, if he is truly in love with her, may not be. Maybe that is why you feel threatened by her..

No, he loved someone else before but for many reasons, I was never worried that he would leave me for her. :p Then she left him.

Will he want you if you give him an ultimatum? My partner would kick me to the curb, and rightly so, because if my metamour's only sin is being loved by him, guess what? That's poly! And it's exactly what I signed on for!

She may not be married to him, but after eighteen months together, they're definitely in long-term commitment territory, which means you should've voiced your objections when it started.

Except, of course, that you couldn't be arsed to pay attention to him then. *smiles*

I haven't given him an ultimatum but he knows I would prefer that he didn't see her. He won't stop seeing her though. This is part of my issue. It's obvious that I want this to cease, and he will not comply. It's a "how dare he deny me for this woman? ".

I have tried to appear "accepting" but will admit to being a little difficult when it comes to her. I don't want to see her in OUR home, have made him feel bad sometimes about his timing of dates with her. He still goes, though. :confused:

18 months! It's nothing compared to the 12+ years that he and I have been together. She thinks it's a long time but she's clearly an idiot.

And yes, I admit, maybe I wasn't as "attentive" to him when this started, hence why it started, but that doesn't give her the right to step in and take away what was mine to start!

Bottom line, she is his mistress. I am his wife. The faster she learns to accept that, the better off she will be.


Oh, and *smiles*. :D

How have you been married ? How you into the marriage did you decide to open it up ? ....and why ?

How many bf's have you had during your marriage .....and how long with rthe current one ?

Dingedheart, see above. 12+ years. About 7 years into our relationship, we had some issues and we decided to open our relationship. I won't go to specifics but things got extremely complicated. I was grateful for the other women, relieved me of some duties. I had a couple of encounters and a boyfriend of my own for a brief time.

Then , for him, it was purely sex. And who cares, he loved me, returned home to me nightly, but now he enjoys being with her too much. I have tried to be happy for him, enjoy that he is happy, but honestly, he would be happy with her, but I want him to stay with me. I fear being alone.
 
Why am I the problem? He is MY husband, not hers? Getting rid of her solves today's problem. Tomorrow is another day.

That's narcissistic at best. You want what YOU want with no consideration for the other two people in the equation. Getting rid of her (like an unwanted stray? The hell?) solves YOUR problem today. It does not solve YOUR HUSBAND'S apparent desire to love more than one woman. Can you honestly say, aside from loving this other woman, that he does not love you any longer?

What about her is such a threat, anyway?

No, he loved someone else before but for many reasons, I was never worried that he would leave me for her. :p Then she left him.

One wonders why.

I haven't given him an ultimatum but he knows I would prefer that he didn't see her. He won't stop seeing her though. This is part of my issue. It's obvious that I want this to cease, and he will not comply. It's a "how dare he deny me for this woman? ".

You're his wife, not the sodding KGB. Comply! He's got free will, and so have you, come to think of it, so if you hate it so much, there's the door.

I repeat: what exactly was your agreement with him?

I have tried to appear "accepting" but will admit to being a little difficult when it comes to her. I don't want to see her in OUR home, have made him feel bad sometimes about his timing of dates with her. He still goes, though. :confused:

First, quit pretending it's okay with you that he's on dates with her. Maybe he really and truly doesn't get how strongly you feel, since you're putting on an "accepting" face. Consistency in word and deed: kind of awesome.

18 months! It's nothing compared to the 12+ years that he and I have been together. She thinks it's a long time but she's clearly an idiot.

The only way she's been an idiot is coming anywhere near your toxic idea of what polyamory's supposed to be. Jesus, the hate rolling off you stinks worse than farts after refried beans.

And yes, I admit, maybe I wasn't as "attentive" to him when this started, hence why it started, but that doesn't give her the right to step in and take away what was mine to start!

You never should have opened the marriage in the first place if that was your attitude. Should your husband feel the same way about you, if you happen to fall in love with another man?

Bottom line, she is his mistress. I am his wife. The faster she learns to accept that, the better off she will be.

No. She's not his mistress. She is an acknowledged part of his life, one you agreed to let in. Now that you regret your decision, you have to accept that you made it in the first place and go forward from there. Otherwise, you're going to get exactly what you fear: you will be alone.

And next time you're feeling put-upon by your husband, hire him a goddamn hooker.
 
It sounds like this was born out some marital issues....who's idea was this as the solution ? Was this the best idea ? What were the ideas that got rejected ?

Is Wifely duty code for sex? How much was expected....how much different was your desire for sex.?


Also it does have that swinger mentality ....recretional sex ...but feelings and commitments are out of bounds.

I agree with the hooker idea..... Was that ever discussed?
 
You should find a forum for Managing Open Relationships/Swinging. This forum is not the place for you.

Good luck.

I hate to say it, but I have to agree. You're not looking for ways to accept or deal with poly. Poly isn't what you wanted in the first place, you wanted Open, so I understand this isn't what you signed up for. But it's happened, so now what are you going to do about it? You can only control YOUR actions, not his. I wouldn't issue the ultimatum unless you're absolutely ready to have him pick her and would truly prefer that result to staying and trying to find a solution that works for all parties.

Basically, your choice is: do you stay and do a LOT of work, both on yourself and your marriage? Or do you leave? Because you can't "make" him do anything, and even if he agrees to stop seeing her you'll be left with a broken relationship and a LOT of anger and resentment, probably on both sides but at the very least from him, to you.
 
You hate what? To agree with me? ;). Kidding :D

*ttthhhbbbttt* Hate to tell someone this isn't a fitting place for them to come to for help, thankyouverymuch! :p
 
Why am I the problem? He is MY husband, not hers?
You don't own him, nor does he own you.

Getting rid of her solves today's problem. Tomorrow is another day.
But it doesn't fix a damned thing, and your attempts to get rid of her will probably make your husband even more resentful of you.

I haven't given him an ultimatum but he knows I would prefer that he didn't see her. He won't stop seeing her though.
Based on what you have written so far in this thread, you have given him no reason to, other than your exercise of what you perceive to be your wifely powers. That is obviously not working. If he is truly poly, then he is going to resent you for even making what seems to him to be an utterly arbitrary demand. If he is not poly (and you most definitely aren't by the terms you use in your posts), then you are really asking in the wrong forum.

This is part of my issue. It's obvious that I want this to cease, and he will not comply. It's a "how dare he deny me for this woman? ".
Which, to a poly person, translates as "how dare he not completely switch off all his feelings for this other person because I want him to".

I have tried to appear "accepting" but will admit to being a little difficult when it comes to her.
The key to poly is truly accepting our partner's right to love another, not to pretend to.

18 months! It's nothing compared to the 12+ years that he and I have been together. She thinks it's a long time but she's clearly an idiot.
Interesting that you measure the value of a relationship by the length of time it has endured. He may not feel the same way, especially if his wife is now making arbitrary demands of him with no justification.

And yes, I admit, maybe I wasn't as "attentive" to him when this started, hence why it started, but that doesn't give her the right to step in and take away what was mine to start!
More mono language. This ownership thing pervades most of your statements. You do NOT own this human being, and you have no right to dictate what he does and doesn't feel.

Bottom line, she is his mistress. I am his wife. The faster she learns to accept that, the better off she will be.
"Sir, if you were my husband I would put poison in your tea!"
"Madam, if you were my wife, I would probably drink it."

I suggest you either do some research on poly, or take this discussion to another forum where they will be more able to relate to your paradigms.
 
Opalescent....You voiced what I was thinking exactly. This has classic troll written all over it. No way would someone who actually wanted to learn anything come here and maintain such a stance with no attempt to learn anything.
 
I do want to learn.

I have read on here many times, instances where either the man or the woman essentially wanted their spouse back to themselves. I hoped that I would gather support for that. I envy this other woman and I am jealous of the effect that she has on my husband. Often I think that I should just let him go and be with her, she makes him happy, but then I think, no way, he was mine to start, he will be mine to stay.

You all act as if you have never asked your partner to stop seeing someone.

Thank you for your "input".

I am not a troll. But many of you are quite hypocritical. So long.
 
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