BeccaDuine
New member
I wanted to give more background into myself and add to this, as a continuing blog at least once a month as things go on with me. I want to understand myself, because as illogical as humans are, there is a pattern of behavior that stems from the past. I want to dissect my life, mostly my dating history, so I can find mine. Why does x scare me? Why do I feel like this about y? I'm also realizing poly isn't a new thing for me, just newly acted on.
I don't mind if someone feels the need to ask on something and I do encourage talking here. I know I'm rambly and I'm sharing a lot of myself right now, so questions will happen.
2005, 9 years ago:
I've never been good at communicating with people. I was the pudgy girl, the tall one (Though I've capped off at 5'7 3/4), smart, stupid. Any insult, someone had it for me. I started to grow facial hair due to a condition I still don't understand. I was failing and facing many anxieties when going to school due to bullies, acute brain damage I suffer from, undiagnosed dyslexia and autism, and depression.
This is all important because it should give clarity to the next part. I ended up on forums, which were forbidden by my mother due to "sexual predators are everywhere! Especially where RP is!" but I didn't listen like every teen. I found a way of communicating where I could show my inner workings without everything else getting in the way. It wasn't looked down upon to know a lot, most people found it fascinating. Spell check made sure none of my words were tripped over and misspoken. No one wanted me to translate what they said into something I could understand instantly. If I didn't show up and had a few new scratches and cuts when I returned, no one could see and question it and was just happy I was back.
This lead into my first boyfriend (Eric for convenience) and my first learning of what codependency is, my sexuality, and abuse. It's only looking back I can see the codependency and the abuse.
I was like any teenager and clingy as hell. This boyfriend shouldn't have been anything special. Eric was older than me, unemployed, had only a passing interest in coding. He wasn't as into books as I was or games. He thought it was weird that I would get excited over any new bit of history I learned and was annoyed when I was able to correct his math and break his games without trying. Still, I was in love and knew full well we would spend forever together.
Except, that guy there was cute. And did that girl smile at me? Wow, me and this person really connect in a lot of ways. How could I love him if I'm falling for others?!
Then there was the topic of sex. All forever couples had sex. It's what every woman is to give to her husband and every husband is to want it, so they say. I hope everyone knows how wrong it is to think that way and dangerous, but I was young (Still am, not point). That's how I saw the world, even when I was thinking of females. I didn't want sex, though. I really had no interest in it and Eric still pushed. It was all text, but it was still the same to me.
Mentioning any of this to him became a horrible mistake. I was supposed to want sex, he'd make sure the real first time made me want it all the time since he was that good (Not exaggerated ego...). I was also not allowed to alone with any guy or girl. Since I was feeling any kind of crush, I was going to cheat and couldn't be trusted. Also, that friend I was trying to save from being homeless? Nope, not allowed. He couldn't stay with me because Eric didn't trust me and put all of that mistrust as my fault and my attempted suicides were proof I didn't really love him, just like my disinterest in sex must be.
He said he'd never hit me, and the relationship ended 2 years before I learned physical wasn't the only kind of abuse. I dealt with all this for 4 years, and it was so on and off I think we broke a fuse. During that time, I did chase a friend. I was so sure we would be a better match... I'm not proud of that time friend and did enter crazy mode often.
2009, 5 years ago:
I got out of the relationship with Eric by doing something I never had before and sadly would do again: Cheating. I had fallen for my friend Paolo, who was the one I tried to save from being homeless. There was around 2 years between the events, so Eric was still not justified in not trusting me with him.
The relationship was brief as Paolo was using me as a rebound, and then used me again the following summer... Which lead into a break down when I was tossed aside and his girlfriend causing hell... That's a long story, not sure I'll get into it yet. It did lead into my friendship with Sonya and Rinae falling through, which hit me very hard.
2011, 3 years ago
Effectively cut off from my friends and my normal circle of support, I went on to try to make new friends. Two people stood out: Kiara and Danny.
Kiara was a sweetie and still is, though I rarely talk to her now. I don't remember if she was married at the time or just engaged, but she toted me around with her husband and called me her wife or his other wife. I never got involved with them, she was obviously hoping for it. It was my first instance of a possible poly relationship and I was terrified. the prospect of loving two people wasn't impossible to me (Thank Mercedes Lackey for that), but it was so out of the blue that I wasn't the one wanting more than one person, but more than one person wanted me.
Nothing went on there, but it did start to open me up.
Then there was Danny... I knew Danny was a liar from the start. He was a strictly online relationship and he made so many mistakes I was able to track him to accounts he had made 7 years prior. I stayed... I don't know why fully. I could find everything this guy did wrong, even going so far and on the same site claim to be 3 unattached people, I saw him ignore me for Kiara, and I had him fake some mental illnesses for pity and threaten my life in the same breath. I thought if I gave him enough chances, he'd change. Left that card on the table so much, "If you've been lying, I'll forgive you and we can start over." He did get found out after he faked his death and I fed information through a friend to people. It was cruel to out him, but what he did was also cruel and twisted.
He's included for teaching me something. Throughout the first section of my dating, I let myself be pushed around. I even let him. It's been a hard thing to take back that control for my life, and I have lost it for a bit, but it's been one of the most empowering things to say I left him, that I got away from that. I also learned I have a love for tying people up and biting and clawing... Heh, rawr?
2012, 2 years ago:
This technically started back in 2011, but separating because tooooo many people there.
Josh and I had never really talked much. We had the same friends and saw each other for moments, had a few long conversations, but other than that, nada. That was already over a 5 year span. We ended making an effort to spend more time together and things went from there. He was single when this started, but ended up getting a girlfriend despite showing interest in me.
He explained that she was poly before and wanted to be again since there was another guy she liked and Josh was okay with it since he wanted to be with me. I shot it down at first. I had still not been in a poly relationship and the thought scared me. I questioned him on things and did my own research. When I was approached and told that the girlfriend would be okay with the relationship, I agreed but expressed not wanting to see her.
It was an eventually. I was still testing the pool and reading what I could on the different kinds of relationships, terms, how things worked for people, how they didn't. I felt comfortable sharing him and being a mono end, but I hated when he called me his secondary (Because "You came second")and being treated like I needed no attention and was just there for when his girlfriend wasn't available. Things went from there. I grew irritated the more on that he didn't listen, that I wasn't being treated right because I could not be barely in a relationship. I contemplated leaving so many times and did give up, went through things out of habit. Nothing felt like a good time.
Ooh, but I got one. She was there, in something that was mine and his, at his request. He wanted to push me to getting to know her, ignoring that not knowing her wasn't the problem. She left him after that, too, because she knew of me, but not that Josh had me as a girlfriend. That had never been disclosed. I argued with him that what he did was cheating, that he had used me for something like that. (Got him to realize it like 5 months ago too. Win.)
Josh, for the jerkiness that was our relationship, did have some bonuses. He treated me as something other than a girl. I was still figuring myself out, and still am, and he was fine with treating me as a man, woman in between, and neither, and did that. It was really affirming I wasn't a freak.
I don't mind if someone feels the need to ask on something and I do encourage talking here. I know I'm rambly and I'm sharing a lot of myself right now, so questions will happen.
2005, 9 years ago:
I've never been good at communicating with people. I was the pudgy girl, the tall one (Though I've capped off at 5'7 3/4), smart, stupid. Any insult, someone had it for me. I started to grow facial hair due to a condition I still don't understand. I was failing and facing many anxieties when going to school due to bullies, acute brain damage I suffer from, undiagnosed dyslexia and autism, and depression.
This is all important because it should give clarity to the next part. I ended up on forums, which were forbidden by my mother due to "sexual predators are everywhere! Especially where RP is!" but I didn't listen like every teen. I found a way of communicating where I could show my inner workings without everything else getting in the way. It wasn't looked down upon to know a lot, most people found it fascinating. Spell check made sure none of my words were tripped over and misspoken. No one wanted me to translate what they said into something I could understand instantly. If I didn't show up and had a few new scratches and cuts when I returned, no one could see and question it and was just happy I was back.
This lead into my first boyfriend (Eric for convenience) and my first learning of what codependency is, my sexuality, and abuse. It's only looking back I can see the codependency and the abuse.
I was like any teenager and clingy as hell. This boyfriend shouldn't have been anything special. Eric was older than me, unemployed, had only a passing interest in coding. He wasn't as into books as I was or games. He thought it was weird that I would get excited over any new bit of history I learned and was annoyed when I was able to correct his math and break his games without trying. Still, I was in love and knew full well we would spend forever together.
Except, that guy there was cute. And did that girl smile at me? Wow, me and this person really connect in a lot of ways. How could I love him if I'm falling for others?!
Then there was the topic of sex. All forever couples had sex. It's what every woman is to give to her husband and every husband is to want it, so they say. I hope everyone knows how wrong it is to think that way and dangerous, but I was young (Still am, not point). That's how I saw the world, even when I was thinking of females. I didn't want sex, though. I really had no interest in it and Eric still pushed. It was all text, but it was still the same to me.
Mentioning any of this to him became a horrible mistake. I was supposed to want sex, he'd make sure the real first time made me want it all the time since he was that good (Not exaggerated ego...). I was also not allowed to alone with any guy or girl. Since I was feeling any kind of crush, I was going to cheat and couldn't be trusted. Also, that friend I was trying to save from being homeless? Nope, not allowed. He couldn't stay with me because Eric didn't trust me and put all of that mistrust as my fault and my attempted suicides were proof I didn't really love him, just like my disinterest in sex must be.
He said he'd never hit me, and the relationship ended 2 years before I learned physical wasn't the only kind of abuse. I dealt with all this for 4 years, and it was so on and off I think we broke a fuse. During that time, I did chase a friend. I was so sure we would be a better match... I'm not proud of that time friend and did enter crazy mode often.
2009, 5 years ago:
I got out of the relationship with Eric by doing something I never had before and sadly would do again: Cheating. I had fallen for my friend Paolo, who was the one I tried to save from being homeless. There was around 2 years between the events, so Eric was still not justified in not trusting me with him.
The relationship was brief as Paolo was using me as a rebound, and then used me again the following summer... Which lead into a break down when I was tossed aside and his girlfriend causing hell... That's a long story, not sure I'll get into it yet. It did lead into my friendship with Sonya and Rinae falling through, which hit me very hard.
2011, 3 years ago
Effectively cut off from my friends and my normal circle of support, I went on to try to make new friends. Two people stood out: Kiara and Danny.
Kiara was a sweetie and still is, though I rarely talk to her now. I don't remember if she was married at the time or just engaged, but she toted me around with her husband and called me her wife or his other wife. I never got involved with them, she was obviously hoping for it. It was my first instance of a possible poly relationship and I was terrified. the prospect of loving two people wasn't impossible to me (Thank Mercedes Lackey for that), but it was so out of the blue that I wasn't the one wanting more than one person, but more than one person wanted me.
Nothing went on there, but it did start to open me up.
Then there was Danny... I knew Danny was a liar from the start. He was a strictly online relationship and he made so many mistakes I was able to track him to accounts he had made 7 years prior. I stayed... I don't know why fully. I could find everything this guy did wrong, even going so far and on the same site claim to be 3 unattached people, I saw him ignore me for Kiara, and I had him fake some mental illnesses for pity and threaten my life in the same breath. I thought if I gave him enough chances, he'd change. Left that card on the table so much, "If you've been lying, I'll forgive you and we can start over." He did get found out after he faked his death and I fed information through a friend to people. It was cruel to out him, but what he did was also cruel and twisted.
He's included for teaching me something. Throughout the first section of my dating, I let myself be pushed around. I even let him. It's been a hard thing to take back that control for my life, and I have lost it for a bit, but it's been one of the most empowering things to say I left him, that I got away from that. I also learned I have a love for tying people up and biting and clawing... Heh, rawr?
2012, 2 years ago:
This technically started back in 2011, but separating because tooooo many people there.
Josh and I had never really talked much. We had the same friends and saw each other for moments, had a few long conversations, but other than that, nada. That was already over a 5 year span. We ended making an effort to spend more time together and things went from there. He was single when this started, but ended up getting a girlfriend despite showing interest in me.
He explained that she was poly before and wanted to be again since there was another guy she liked and Josh was okay with it since he wanted to be with me. I shot it down at first. I had still not been in a poly relationship and the thought scared me. I questioned him on things and did my own research. When I was approached and told that the girlfriend would be okay with the relationship, I agreed but expressed not wanting to see her.
It was an eventually. I was still testing the pool and reading what I could on the different kinds of relationships, terms, how things worked for people, how they didn't. I felt comfortable sharing him and being a mono end, but I hated when he called me his secondary (Because "You came second")and being treated like I needed no attention and was just there for when his girlfriend wasn't available. Things went from there. I grew irritated the more on that he didn't listen, that I wasn't being treated right because I could not be barely in a relationship. I contemplated leaving so many times and did give up, went through things out of habit. Nothing felt like a good time.
Ooh, but I got one. She was there, in something that was mine and his, at his request. He wanted to push me to getting to know her, ignoring that not knowing her wasn't the problem. She left him after that, too, because she knew of me, but not that Josh had me as a girlfriend. That had never been disclosed. I argued with him that what he did was cheating, that he had used me for something like that. (Got him to realize it like 5 months ago too. Win.)
Josh, for the jerkiness that was our relationship, did have some bonuses. He treated me as something other than a girl. I was still figuring myself out, and still am, and he was fine with treating me as a man, woman in between, and neither, and did that. It was really affirming I wasn't a freak.
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