Touch

That being said, I would never hold her back from anything, but will also not put myself into an unhealthy situation. I can change the communication of my love for her so that anything she wants is possible from my perspective.

As time goes on I find myself more inclined towards, out of sight out of mind for things that although, not real big issues, do cause me to withdrawl from her. They enjoy their together time and I enjoy being cool with that.

I don't want to cope with everything because some things aren't worth it for me, they aren't big deals and only serve to ruin the time I have with her.


I will now find my fire retardent blanket and wait for the heat:)

You sound like my husband on this one! No heat...that is your perogative.;)
 
Mixed orientations mean negotiation

My relationships are with people of different romantic and sexual orientations and also very different levels of touchiness (if that's even a word).

My fiance H is asexual. I'm not. So one of the first boundaries we set up was that sex between the two of us was never going to happen. It doesn't happen and i'm fortunate enough not to want to have sex with them anyway. I know from other people that things would be a lot more awkward if I did want to have sex with them.

My other partners are sexual. One, C, has expressed interest in sharing sex with me but not yet. I'm waiting patiently as choosing to have sex with someone is not a decision to be undertaken lightly. E and I share sex and have negotiated what we are and aren't comfortable doing with each other.

Where our boundaries differ most is kissing. H will only do closed mouthed kissing. C will only kiss me if I ask for each individual kiss and she prefers closed mouth kissing but will do other kinds of kissing if she feels okay with it at the time. E has a preference for closed mouthed kissing but is willing to do more opened mouthed kissing and kissing with tongues with me since I explained how much I enjoy it. Her preference was just a preference, not a boundary but because I got with H and C first I had slipped into assuming that it was a boundary and that all kissing had to be carefully asked for.
E enjoys kissing me and doesn't need to be asked. Both E and H now will initiate kissing :)


Cuddles. We're all pretty cuddly except C but she's getting more receptive to me holding her as I get more aware of her need for me to tell her what I'm doing.

I'm fortunate that all my partners are okay seeing me being intimate with another partner :) Though E (who thinks she may actually be mono) still sometimes feels awkward being too intimate around H. Because H is my first partner, and my fiance, all the other partners I've had since (C, E and a lovely boy I'm no longer with) have needed time to get used to the idea that H is fine seeing me with other people.

H has just informed me that they feel a bit embarassed and like they are "in the way" when I'm being romantic with someone else. I guess this stems from them seeming to have been brought up with the belief that they are always in the way. We'll have to see what we can do to work on that.
 
Reaction from third parties

I'm more interested in hearing how it works with different partners rather than your particular preferences. How do your partners and you deal with various levels of touching and acceptance of touching between others?

If I find myself not being as affectionate with someone as I would be if someone I'm involved with wasn't in the room, I think of that as a warning sign that there is an issue that needs working out.

Oddly, the most challenging thing about affection when I have multiple affectionate relationships in the same room that has come up for me (at least for the last while) has been reactions about it from third parties who aren't at all involved with anyone concerned. Some people are really bothered by seeing me be affectionate with someone other than my partner. I'm not really sure what the best way to handle that is; I don't like anything that feels like closeting my relationships, but on the other hand I would normally tone down how affectionate I was being with someone if I realised that it was making other people uncomfortable. Why should that be different if a different partner of mine is also in the room? I haven't quite figured out what I think is reasonable here.
 
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If I find myself not being as affectionate with someone as I would be if someone I'm involved with wasn't in the room, I think of that as a warning sign that there is an issue that needs working out.

Oddly, the most challenging thing about affection when I have multiple affectionate relationships in the same room that has come up for me (at least for the last while) has been reactions about it from third parties who aren't at all involved with anyone concerned. Some people are really bothered by seeing me be affactionate with someone other than my partner. I'm not really sure what the best way to handle that is; I don't like anything that feels like closeting my relationships, but on the other hand I would normally tone down how affectionate I was being with someone if I realised that it was making other people uncomfortable. Why should that be different if a different partner of mine is also in the room? I haven't quite figured out what I think is reasonable here.

See, I approach these concerns in a fairly opposite manner. I have some friends who I know aren't really comfortable yet seeing me be affectionate with my boyfriend, but I totally refuse to modify my behavior on their account. They know the situation, and they're just going to have to get used to it. If I was making someone uncomfortable with the *level* of physical affection I was displaying--with anyone--I would try to tone that down (or go somewhere more private :p). But when I'm behaving in totally normal, socially acceptable ways, and the only reason anyone would be bothered is because it's not my husband, I don't feel like their discomfort is my problem.

On the other hand, I do find it perfectly reasonable to tone things down when another partner is present. I don't think that not wanting to actually *see* your partner behave that way with someone else automatically means that you secretly have a discomfort with the whole situation. My husband is well aware of how affectionate my boyfriend and I are when he's not around, but it would make him uncomfortable if we were like that when the three of us are hanging out, and I completely respect that. Maybe someday we'll be in a place where physical affection comes more naturally when we're all together. But right now, I'm thrilled that my husband is totally happy with me having a boyfriend, and that we can all spend time together and get along. I'm not going to lose any sleep over not being able to cuddle up on the couch while we're all in the same room.
 
Yeah, my gf has met 3 of my lovers, once or twice each... I did touch them around her, but not super sexually.

Except for the time she and I had a 3way w one of them... :p and that went fine. She enjoyed seeing me be sexual with him, and she got some action as well. I'd kinda like to do that again. With him, or another of my boys.
 
As a result of discussions related to Redpepper's Touch thread, I found out that she was experiencing awkwardness in showing affection to Derbylicious. Although a little surprised I was glad to find this out. We were heading out for a night of Burlesque and dancing with Derby and she came over to Redpepper's house before we left. I got to talk to both of them about this. They are in a relationship that not only makes them happy but makes me happy as well. As I prefer to get right to the point at times, I simply told them they need to let go of this. While I don't want to see them having sex LOL, I do expect them to be able and comfortable to show affection whenever they want (most guys would love to see them have sex I'm sure....they're damn sexy!) We then went out to the show and sat on a couch with Redpepper in the middle. Me and Derby held her hands and cuddled her up and then all enjoyed some dancing. It was fun, natural and healthy. Yet again communication has enriched all of our lives :)

thought I would add this from the "sharing success and happiness" thread (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=197&page=57) as it is relevant here also.
 
Personally, I've always been like a puppy with my (past, mono) lovers. Touch is very meaningful and reassuring to me, either just a hand touching her or me, or a leg pressed together, or leaning together. In my Vee, we cuddle up on the couch when things are going well, to talk or just watch a movie. Even though i'm not the center of attention, it still satisfies this desire well.

Sadly I am very awkward, overly self-conscious of crossing this boundary with non-lovers. Occasionally I see friends who do it casually and easily and I always value it and wish I could do it. I wish I could just reach out and touch a shoulder or an arm more easily, or pile onto the couch next to a friend.

I don't enjoy it when the other two in my Vee have long lingering goodbye kisses, while I just wait around on the corner for her to come with me. Not that I'm jealous so much, just awkward and don't know what to do with myself. They've learned to keep it shorter, and I'm thankful.

It's not a problem for any of us though, when sitting around in the kitchen, to show affection, get a hug and a kiss, rub shoulders or feet, etc.

Oddly, the most challenging thing about affection when I have multiple affectionate relationships in the same room that has come up for me (at least for the last while) has been reactions about it from third parties who aren't at all involved with anyone concerned. Some people are really bothered by seeing me be affectionate with someone other than my partner.

We have noticed this problem as well, and have mostly learned to turn off the affection around some friends. We've also turned off the three-way cuddle/affection, such as kissing with her in the middle at a party or walking arm-in-arm-in-arm on the street, unless we're in a pretty comfortable safe place. Which is too bad, because it really makes S glow.
 
Two opposing responses

I have some friends who I know aren't really comfortable yet seeing me be affectionate with my boyfriend, but I totally refuse to modify my behavior on their account. They know the situation, and they're just going to have to get used to it.

...when I'm behaving in totally normal, socially acceptable ways, and the only reason anyone would be bothered is because it's not my husband, I don't feel like their discomfort is my problem.

I agree that the problem is with the people who act weird about something that isn't hurting them in any way, but I guess I think of it as a problem for us, since we then have people acting weird, which isn't fun.

We have noticed this problem as well, and have mostly learned to turn off the affection around some friends. We've also turned off the three-way cuddle/affection, such as kissing with her in the middle at a party or walking arm-in-arm-in-arm on the street, unless we're in a pretty comfortable safe place. Which is too bad, because it really makes S glow.

Propast, how bad was the disapproval you were getting? Do you think it's always best to just be as... non-demonstrative as the most easily bothered person in the room would like you to be? I'm curious how other people deal with this.
 
Touchy-feely

I am all about touch. I love the connection.

Having said that - I don't like rejection and I don't like to put someone ELSE in an uncomfortable situation - so rather than reach out and touch someone I"m not 100% familiar with or aware of their touch boundaries - I will hold back rather than reaching forward. Once I know THEIR boundaries - I'm all over it. Its finding those boundaries that can be awkward.

And then there was last night. 6 people in a hot tub - touch happened - and happened frequently. I had my feet up on one person while I was snuggled up to another. It was great.

I will hug just about anyone, anytime. I love hugs.

Jane
 
Propast, how bad was the disapproval you were getting? Do you think it's always best to just be as... non-demonstrative as the most easily bothered person in the room would like you to be? I'm curious how other people deal with this.

Hi JKelly,
I think HappiestManAlive captures most of it pretty well in another thread:

... When we all go out together, there is this THING. The Hugh Heffner effect. Even my close freinds say "Dude - you're THE MAN. I wish I could be you" kinda stuff. I hate it, because that's not at all what it's about. Frankly, the ego boosting side of the image makes me uncomfortable. I just want to spend time with my girls and enjoy our amazing interconnections.
...
And then there's the odd perceptions and comments and missives directed their way. Moving past the sometimes funny 'working girls' image, once people are aware that we're all together and in a real relationship, they just can't help themselves. People will pull one of us aside and say things that nobody in their right mind would say to a complete stranger or barely aquainted person about their relationship! The nerve of some of these people! The girls hear about how they're being taken advantage of, how wrong this is, how they're being used, and much worse. And the way these people react when the girls argue their side - astounding! Anger more often than you'd think, almost always some form of indignation at the least. Judgement almost without exception.

In other words, it's just not fun to deal with some side effects. One example, D's friends were a bit pleasantly shocked in our early days at a party where it became clear what was happening, to them he's always been a "mild mannered guy". And hey, Dutch people are down with weird stuff, right? So that was fun. But when they later realized it's a long term relationship instead of just a drunken fling they didn't really know what to do with it, and that's when we started to tone it down.

Similarly in public places, it's a bit like the Dutch attitude towards gays, or BDSM, or anything that doesn't fit their mold: they officially are okay with it, but they just don't actually want to KNOW about it. Hence in a very glbt friendly country, I see fewer gays holding hands than I'm used to in America.
 
There seems to be three kinds of touch: no touch, cuddles and sex

- how are these three negotiated within relationships, if there are at all... either all of them in one relationship or different levels with different relationships? What are the expectations and assumptions that come up around touch? What do you like in terms of touch and how much are you willing to accept the differences that other partners have in your poly lives or that of your partners partners?
There isn't any universality about human sex. One relationship can't be compared to another. People adhere to rules or conventions only as they choose to. Seems like people most often want two things: reassurance that the other loves them, and to prove to the other that they are loved in return. You should always expect that the other will have differences, sometimes huge ones, because they are a different person. Maybe I'm missing the question here? :)
 
There isn't any universality about human sex. One relationship can't be compared to another. People adhere to rules or conventions only as they choose to. Seems like people most often want two things: reassurance that the other loves them, and to prove to the other that they are loved in return. You should always expect that the other will have differences, sometimes huge ones, because they are a different person. Maybe I'm missing the question here? :)

well, you kind of are, but you made me think about the book "the five love languages" and how touch is one of the five ways people need to feel loved or express love. Gift giving, acts of service, words of affirmation and time are the other four... according to the book.

some need touch above others and also need to give touch. What does one do in a relationship if ones partner is uncomfortable about touch when you are in need of it or seeing anther partner be touched who feels love through touch more?

This is a tricky one for Mono and I as he has a hard time with how much I like to touch people and flirt. He chooses to close himself off and not look sometimes... or not hear about it. He thinks I don't touch others around me on purpose so as to not upset him and there are time I have done that, but lately I like the balance that has been created by his just not looking. Not that I touch more, but feel better about not hurting him when I do. It's kind of a don't ask don't tell (DADT) policy around touch actually :confused: :eek: Is that healthy I wonder?
 
Is that healthy I wonder?

If I think about this in relation to when I used to box as a teen, my mother knew I was routinely getting punched in the head and only came to see one match. It disturbed her but she knew it didn't cross any safety "boundaries" so she was just happy not to see it. I didn't force her to see it either or pressure her to come to matches. I didn't have a problem not boxing when she was around LOL!
 
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