Introduction and Seeking Advice (Emotional, But Not Sexual, Relatiomship)

How should we tell the Newbie? (please read post before answering)

  • The Secondary should tell the Newbie right away.

    Votes: 9 81.8%
  • The Secondary should tell the Newbie after their relationship progresses.

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • You should tell the Newbie ASAP.

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • You should tell the Newbie after her relationship with the Secondary progresses.

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Everyone should talk about this together ASAP.

    Votes: 2 18.2%
  • Everyone should talk about this after the relationship between the Newbie and Secondary progresses.

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • You and the Primary should break up with the Secondary.

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • Total voters
    11
It sounds to me like trying and desperately wanting to hear back from Secondary is causing a lot of grief. I wish it were easier to choose something, but when Secondary and Newbie are trying to sort things out and you're going through a hysteria trying to get an answer, it can be offputting. I know for me, with people I've been attracted to, once they get clingy and "want" more of me, it tends to turn me off.

My strategy for handling that lack of forwardness is saying to myself, if they don't have the courage to be outright and straightforward and there for and with me, I don't deserve to keep hurting in waiting. I'm still trying to keep an inner calm when it comes to these things, not worry or desiring so much of others, being less needy and more calm and giving, but it is still difficult to ration love like that. I'm sure there could very well be a better answer than the one I'm trying.

As of late, I've taken my "not deserving to hurt" a bit far by telling off people who hurt me with that sudden absence. I don't like the idea of inciting anger or responding with anger, as I feel it frustrates more than really accomplishing anything. It's difficult to be patient when people abandon so quickly when things get uncomfortable. It sounds like Secondary feels like telling Newbie would upset their relationship, and it's understandable. Wanting to please someone, placate them, and allay their worry is a nurturing, caring love. Not wanting to see hurt in those you care about makes sense. It is torturous not being responded to with honesty and openness when you give the same. It could be a lot of reasons why Newbie isn't getting back to you, but I imagine many of them boil down to fear and desire to keep things comfortable as they are. It is frustrating as hell when people do that. But you can't make them want what you want, only what they want. It takes a very noble kind of love to let go and be happy when others choose their own path separate from yours. Being put in that situation where your lovers of one sort or another are out of your grasp and hiding away, I presume, walking on eggshells out of anxiety or fear, for you is certainly difficult, but it is forcing you to be more selfless to be okay. By clinging to them, it's causing you tons of stress, transferring to your Primary and Secondary. Not having closure given to you is very hard, but when the ball is in their court and they drop it, sometimes you just don't get that courtesy. You just gotta find a way to brush it off and enjoy what is there, and not what flies away from you.
 
Edit: Never mind. The Newbie just dumped the Secondary.

I feel like I ruined everything.
 
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Wow ... :eek: ... that doesn't sound like good news. :(
 
Edit: Never mind. The Newbie just dumped the Secondary.

I feel like I ruined everything.

Repeat after me 'This is not about me.'

Don't take on what is not your problem.

Frankly, I suspect this is karma. Secondary was not forthcoming, didn't handle his business of being forthright about what he wanted and needed with either of you, and so disappointed everyone and likely cost him relationships.

That said, it is too bad. On the other hand, maybe he will learn from this. Or not.
 
Newbie dumped secondary because she doesn't want to be poly. In truth, you probably did overwhelm her and give her an impression that poly always means highly involved relationships with your metamours but she might not have gone for it anyway.
 
This is not about me.

I spent the day on Skype with the Secondary, getting the full story.

This is not about me.

The following content may be triggering to anyone who has dealt with a loved one's suicide.

This is not about me.

The Newbie's ex killed himself. She found the corpse.

This is not about me.

I wish I could believe this was a sick prank. Multiple friends have confirmed the event.

This is not about me.

I still feel guilty. So does everyone else involved.

This is not about me. This is not about me. This is not about me.

Anyone have advice for finding a poly-friendly mental health professional?
 
Oh Azzy, that's horrible.

I assume Newbie is gone?

I am so sorry.

(((hugs)))



If you are in the US, try the Kink Aware Professionals (KAP): https://ncsfreedom.org/resources/kink-aware-professionals-directory/kap-directory-homepage.html

I'm afraid I don't know of resources outside of the US.

Also, even if you can't find someone who advertises as kink/poly friendly, talk to someone anyway. A therapist who deals with LBGT issues is often a good bet to be willing to listen about kink and poly. This is tough stuff. Don't sort it out on your own.

Finally, another (((hug))) and a 'This was not your fault.'

I know you won't believe that last bit right now. But it is true.

Feel what you are feeling. Everyone feels guilt around a suicide. Everyone. Try not to get stuck there. This was not your fault.

Again, I am so sorry.
 
I assume Newbie is gone?

Well, she is alive, but has broken up with and apparently cut off contact with the Secondary.

If you are in the US, try the Kink Aware Professionals (KAP): https://ncsfreedom.org/resources/kink-aware-professionals-directory/kap-directory-homepage.html

I'm afraid I don't know of resources outside of the US.

Also, even if you can't find someone who advertises as kink/poly friendly, talk to someone anyway. A therapist who deals with LBGT issues is often a good bet to be willing to listen about kink and poly.

I am checking out your link and will keep looking for mental health assistance.

I feel terrible for bothering her and adding extra stress to her life, even though everyone says I couldn't really have done anything to help.

Thank you to everyone who has participated in this thread.

P.S. Thanks, youkdt26417. I will check out the links you posted as well.
 
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Keep us posted sometimes, okay? I know you have a lot on your mind and plate at the moment.

Care and concern,
Kevin T.
 
...

This is not about me.

The Newbie's ex killed himself. She found the corpse.

This is not about me.
...


(Changed to color from white to purple because this is the part that I was missing, and I think others may have missed it as well...)

Jeez - that's rough...and totally NOT about you...
I'll echo the others...seek counselling...
 
(Changed to color from white to purple because this is the part that I was missing, and I think others may have missed it as well...)

Jeez - that's rough...and totally NOT about you...
I'll echo the others...seek counselling...

Ah, sorry, I wasn't sure what the rules were in this forum about potentially upsetting content and I didn't see a way to add "spoiler tags," so I tried to make that part highlight-only :eek: I got a talking-to from a mod about that on another forum once, so now I'm really cautious :eek:

But yeah, thank you, and thank you to kdt26417 as well.

I am in the process of seeking a mental health professional in my area who is accepting new patients.

The Secondary is back in therapy and back on antidepressants.

The Newbie seems to have retreated into her inner circle of friends. She hasn't contacted any of us or been active on Facebook.

I don't really know what else to say right now except that it helps to know that this forum is available to post on.
 
Ah, sorry, I wasn't sure what the rules were in this forum about potentially upsetting content and I didn't see a way to add "spoiler tags," so I tried to make that part highlight-only :eek: I got a talking-to from a mod about that on another forum once, so now I'm really cautious :eek:


Ah, I see. Yeah, I don't think that there is a rule against potentially upsetting content (you are allowed to swear and talk about sexual stuff/ including details) - and you did give a warning:

"The following content may be triggering to anyone who has dealt with a loved one's suicide."

All I knew was that I was confused and had to go back and figure out what I missed :rolleyes:

I'm glad that all of you are seeking out the support and treatment that you each need. Some people need to withdraw when they are hurting and "lick their wounds" (me, for example) Others need people to reach out and draw them in...unless you really know a person it can be hard to discern what is healthiest for them.

Tend to yourself first. Then tend to your loved one's. Then you may be in a place that you can offer to tend for others....
 
Hidden message

I use my phone to access the forum most of the time. That part just looked like white space to me - hence the assumption about Newbie. It never occurred to me there was a sentence in that blank space. Thanks JQS for highlighting it - I had no idea otherwise.

Still a dreadful situation. I feel for Newbie, what a horrible thing. And for Secondary and for you. Do make sure to find someone to talk to. I am so glad you are taking steps to make that happen.
 
I feel terrible for bothering her and adding extra stress to her life, even though everyone says I couldn't really have done anything to help.

Live and learn :) feel better soon <3
 
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