Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 01-17-2011, 10:54 PM
Rachelina Rachelina is offline
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 37

Hi Mahogany, I just want to give you a little encouragement. I'm in the same situation, only it has been 6 months since my husband told me about his girlfriend. In the beginning I felt just as you do now and the pain was unbearable. But so much has changed: she has become my dear friend and I no longer feel threatened by her relationship with my husband, because I can see that it has actually improved our marriage (strange as that sounds).

My advice: first of all let yourself experience all the pain you are feeling; it is normal and you just have to go through it. It took several months for me. Keep communicating with both of them. Spend some time reading on here and learning more about poly and how people deal with jealousy. Don't expect to overcome jealousy and accept poly overnight; it is a huge change for you and will take time to get used to. But it can definitely be done
Reply With Quote
Old 01-18-2011, 04:02 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231

Hi again Mahogany,

Originally Posted by Mahogany View Post
I KNOW it is going hurt because of my fears...

He has re-assured me, over-and-over again.....but he is only human...

3. I am afraid of losing him, plan and simple...if I can trust that that will never happen (because of his relationship with her) than I could change my view.
Ok - fantastic hun ! You're being honest with yourself which is huge !
Perfectly natural (if not justifiable) fear. Now you've brought it out in the light. So analyze it.

Ask this..........

Does love mean "possession/ownership" to you ? Do YOU want to be possessed/owned ? Hmmmmmmmm
What kind of a future does a relationship like that offer ? Happiness ? Fulfillment ?

How can you 'lose' something you don't posses ?

But we can 'lose' people's respect and to follow, sometimes, their love, depending on our actions.
But we get to CHOOSE our actions/reactions - right ?

Originally Posted by Mahogany View Post
4. I am afraid of his love growing for her....and as a result his love for me waning That if they are physical this will lead to their love growing, which in turn will destroy my bond with him.
Ok. If you haven't read this or heard it somewhere you will now - and a lot in the future.

Real 'love' does not have limitations ! The more you give it the more grows within you.

This is not cliche - although I'm sure it sounds it. Its fact, verified by millions of humans over countless ages.
Whatever 'bond' you two have, whatever brought you together, the admiration, respect, the components of 'love' cannot change unless you do something to change them.
Many people seem to confuse love with passion, intensity, (we speak here of NRE which rolls a lot of similar elements up in one label). Those things are all transient. They change over time. They aren't 'lost' only evolving.

So you must ask............

What is WRONG with love - someone loving someone ?

A big part of 'love' is what's often called 'compersion' in poly circles. The ability to bask in someone else that you care about's happiness. Because when we truly love someone we want them to be happy ! If something makes US 'unhappy', we have to step back and analyze it before we start pointing fingers.

Will there be struggles over mundane things like time management etc. Sure. But those are all things that can be talked out and worked out by people heading in the same direction. Greed is your biggest enemy here. That belief in ownership again.

I think if you can somehow separate from the emotions and look at things realistically and logically, you'll discover most of your fears are unfounded.
That what you are truly afraid of is YOURSELF !

Most of that discover that a LOT

Keep talking..............

Reply With Quote
Old 01-21-2011, 04:45 AM
Mahogany's Avatar
Mahogany Mahogany is offline
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Atlantic, GA
Posts: 80

Thank you all so very much for your support and wisdom....I plan to pay-it-forward in the near future

My husband is so loving and accepting and re-assuring that I sincerely believe I will be ok
Reply With Quote
Old 01-21-2011, 06:26 AM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 104

My husband was the first one in our relationship to fall in love with someone. Even though he knows in his head that I am not going any where and will always love him, he still has a hard time with me being open to a relationship with someone else. He knows it isn't rational but he can't help what he is feeling. He doesn't want to know anything except the important things. He also doesn't like to talk about much. I have been bringing it up more so that he talks about it. The more he opens up the more he will become comfortable and secure in this life.

The way I feel is the opposite of the way he feels. When i see them together I have this wonderful feeling of happiness and love wash over me. I want to know what goes on with them. What I had to work on was realizing that while I am his wife it is their relationship. She is a private person but they are very good at making sure I know what is going on with them. I talk to both of them and have an awesome time hanging out with her.

At this point in our relationship I don't know if I would actually follow my heart if I were to find someone. I don't think at this point he could handle it. We have agreed on me starting to date. I have yet to even do that even though I would love to. I know I need to take that first step but I don't want to rush him. He has to figure out how to understand his emotions and learn to deal with them.
Reply With Quote
Old 01-21-2011, 06:20 PM
Del5158 Del5158 is offline
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 12

My wife and I have been married for six years. It is the second for both. I am 58 and she is 43. We had been together for 12 years before we got married and many of the years we were together, even while still married to others, we cheated on one another. This may sound strange but I actually always enjoyed the sexual parts of her affairs but hated the lying and BS that went with it. I also cheated on her but can't say I really enjoyed it too much for the same reasons. Cheating sucks because of the dishonesty, not the sex.

Last year, with my support and encouragement, we decided she could do anything she wanted. At first it was just going to be sex, we even did swinging together but found it to be soul-less. She now has three lovers. I know them all and even play golf with one of them. She is not ready for me to have other loves too but I don't mind. I can't begin to tell you how free I feel now that I have shed the green-eyed monster. We are more deeply in love than ever, so much so that I am not threatened by her increasing closeness and familiarity with her other men.

I love seeing her this happy and I really love being this free. We have incredible sex and she is always solicitous of my feelings and especially affectionate. She says she hopes to get to the place I am, too, but I told her no rush. I don't really know if I want another relationship. I definitely don't need one.
Reply With Quote
Old 01-21-2011, 06:23 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 1,444

While spending time with her might mean spending less time with you (although he could spend time with both of you at once, or the time he spends with her could come out of time he used to spend alone), love doesn't work in the same way.

If you think about friends, for instance, having a new friends doesn't mean you like the existing ones any less. Actually, if they get along it strengthens your bond even more! Poly is similar, being in love with her doesn't make him love you less. Knowing you like her and are willing to let him be free and happy will make him love you more, and love for one person tend to make you love others more.
Think about it, if you watch a romantic movie, doesn't it make you love everyone you love more? If you see something you find cute (a child, a kitten, a puppy) doesn't it make you want to hug the people you love more? Affection creates more affection, the more loved you feel, the more love you have to give. It's not like a piece of cake. Giving her part of the cake doesn't mean you get less, you know what I mean?

I don't usually like talking about children, because people are quick to say "I don't have sex with my children" but since we're not talking about sex at all here... A mother who has a new child isn't going to then spread her love between her two children. Often she'll find that she loves the first one more as a result of loving the second one. Do you see what I mean?

Relationships evolve on their own, and there is no way to know if your relationship will end someday, but I'm fairly confident it's not going to be because she's "replacing" you. That's more of a mono kind of thing: if you can only love one person at a time, then to love a new person you have to leave the previous one. When you are poly, no such rule apply. If he left you, he wouldn't gain anything from it, he would lose you. Why leave you when he doesn't have to choose and can have you both? That would mean his choice isn't between being with you or being with her, but being with you or not being with you.
Do you see what I mean here? Since he can be with her either way, being with you is something completely independent here.

It's normal for you to want to feel included, I believe. It's definitely what really matters to me, at least. And knowing they went behind your back, that's probably the worst of it, because that means they didn't trust you, they didn't include you in it. But if you're included in it, then you're also part of that relationship, You can be friends with her, and then leaving you would mean that they would both lose you. It doesn't have to be you against her, especially since you seem to be getting along.

You might want to dry going to dates with both of you with him. Of course it depends of your personal comfort, but it might help you to see them together and see that he's not pushing you aside to be with her.

I'm a bit rambling I guess, but I hope this way helpful to you. Good luck!
Me: 32F, straight
Seamus: My husband, 33M, straight
Fox: My boyfriend, 30M, homoflexible
Dragon: Fox's husband (and my ex), 30M, pansexual
Reply With Quote
Old 01-25-2011, 09:23 PM
Del5158 Del5158 is offline
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 12

Originally Posted by Carma View Post
My husband wants DETAILS. He hates being excluded! And I am terrible at keeping secrets! I love sharing things with him, epecially when I'm all aglow -- he actually loves seeing me that happy. Yes, I do look lovely in NRE

I felt the same way about details at first when my wife went out with her lovers but the longer it goes on, the less I want about the actual sex. I mean how many ways are there really to do it? The details she likes to volunteer now are more about her "dates" themselves as we like to call them. Where they went, how his life is going, what his significant others are up to. After less than a year, this has become almost as comfortable as cotton pajamas. BTW, I feel the same way about the glow of NRE, I love to see my wife so happy. And, of course, there are benefits therein for me too, LOL!
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 10:31 AM.